Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Because I may get busy, I want to wish you...

...A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Welcome 2009!

See you next year!!:)

I made it back safely!:)

Sumatran Tiger Cub, Engangered Species, San Diego Wild Animal Park, California

I'm back from the inlaws, from a state far, far away - I traveled through snow and ice and below wind chill to get there and I must say I'm happy to be home, safe and sound, now surrounded by my animals (my wily cat and two Pugs).

The best Christmas gift I received, besides the company of nice people (and a couple of yummy feasts full of wonderful food) was the Wii from my inlaws! It has been a wonderful gift, as I have gotten my arse off the couch, away from the computer and working out to Wii Sports.

Who knew I would be so good at Boxing? That one really gets me sweating too. So far, I am not very good at Tennis, as I keep knocking it out of bounds. Golf and Baseball, so so. And I'm pretty good at Bowling, no surprise there.

I know they are hard to get a hold of, but I highly recommend the Wii to just about anybody. It comes with Wii Sport and there are slow games and sweatier ones (the Boxing).

I've played mine three days in a row now, for an average of at least an hour, hour and a half, and I am feeling really good because of the exercise.:)

An award from Mike Golch

Thank you Mike G..

I too, will give this award to anyone who has commented on my blog in the month of December.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Blog Love from Mike Golch!

Mike Golch was giving out this beautiful award (I love it!) on his site that he received, and I want to give it to Tracy, Stacy, and Denise and anyone else who wants some blog love.

The rules are:
Put the logo in your blog.
Add a link to the person who shared it with you.
Pass this award to your Blogger Friends.
Add your link to the list of participants below.
Leave a message for your nominee on their blog.

Christmas time, Bavaria, Germany

Hello my Beautiful Blogger Friends!!

I know I have been away from blogging for a week or so, but I will most likely be away this week as well, this time more planned though, as I will be away from home and my trusty computer for Christmas! Yes, I am leaving to go see the inlaws.

Instead of leaving Saturday as planned though, we are delaying ourselves because of the weather in the states we will be traveling through. I consider it a safety measure that any airline flying person would take, we instead are DRIVING, like fools.

My very anxiety ridden self has actually been saying some 'Hail Mary's' (learned from a Catholic computer program years ago), some 'Our Father's' (my grandmother originally taught it to me, she was Methodist) and I threw in the 'Serenity Prayer' along with my morning prayer or 'talking to straight' to Heavenly Father this morning.

When I was doing the fundraiser for my drop in center a few months ago, one of the sweet friends I have there asked me if I have anxiety disorder. You know, I've never been diagnosed with it - as in a doctor saying I had it, or giving it a name like it was a disorder - but they started giving me clonapin to take. I think it's a side effect of Abilify, much like the shaking and the clonapin, which helps with anxiety, was added on for this reason.

So, I am a tense lil person (although not much is lil on me!) and I admit that I am worried some about the weather. But my husband is a very capable person and I am most of all in the capable, loving hands of God. So come what may, we're going to try to get there. I guarantee I will have a white Christmas!

So I most likely will be gone this week, as Husband's 90-year-old grandmother only has dial up I think it will be like banging my head against the wall to get to do all the things I like to do at home on a much faster line.:)

I truly wish you all joys at Christmas time. I know some of my friends enjoy it greatly and others have a hard time this time of year more especially. I wish God's blessings on you all. May we be blessed by one another through Him - taking care of each other as we can.

We have our shopping done, we've got to wrap everything, pack everything, drop off the cat at the boarding place. We will be watching the weather and deciding the best time to pounce and go for it. "...Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death (Hail Mary, full of Grace, Blessed art thou amongst women, Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen - full text)." This has been giving me comfort lately. Hey, it keeps me from taking Clonapin!!:):)

I should be back by next week, before the New Year so I can wish everyone a fabulous 2009 then!! TTYS, Love Tart


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Because Christmas is stressful enough.

This is great!! Sent to me in an email, for Pug lovers and stressed people everywhere (safe for children too:)


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Aww I know I complained too much on the last one and I didn't mean it to sound as awful as it did.

My friends told me to live in the moment and not worry about or think too much about the future. Good advice.:)

I've got a little Pug on my lap sleeping away, at 10:33 a.m. That is so nice.

I wish everyone well.


Tuesday, December 9, 2008

zwani.com myspace graphic comments

Every two years is the big get together with my husband's family. I really like these people. We were so shocked when most of them showed up to our wedding, at a place where all of us had to travel to, and that day was made most special because so much family was there. I will be forever grateful for the love and acceptance of the good people that they are.

So even though there is much preparation to take care of, doing stuff and a little for me emotionally, I am excited and really looking forward to going.:)

Doing stuff-wise, I wish the immediate family would send out their frickin' Christmas lists so that I had some clue what to get them. We have a small budget and I want to know what to get them. I really don't like guessing.

Somehow, I am a little put-off by this, because they asked for lists and we complied, even though that was really hard for Husband (it took him hours between snoozes and thinking very hard to come up with one:).

One thing that is very interesting about Husband's family is that they are exchangers. They openly admit that they may take your gift back to the store of origin and get something they really want, so GET A GIFT RECEIPT and include it in the gift.

This is a very weird concept for me, because in my family you got a gift which you cherished or maybe not so much, but it would kinda hurt someone's feelings if you asked for the receipt and hit the sales day after Christmas.

I guess because his family is so big it's different? I didn't grow up with that many people, and families are different everywhere. Perhaps I am not getting lists because they figure they can take back whatever I get them. Hunh.

Perhaps that is what I am finding a little rude, because I like to *think* about what I am getting people, make thoughtful, literally, decisions. To know that my decision could be so easily discarded and that I better pick a store that they can return the item to, is, somehow upsetting.

It's as though the person plots hmmm...what can I spend for the money you spent at such and such store.

Did you not notice that I took the time to pick you something out? You want the thrill of opening Something, but are going to treat it like a gift card.

I'm just sayin.'

Gifts are not everything. That is not what Christmas is about. But, I say, but I mentioned that I like some of these people a LOT, and I like to give to them. It's fun, it's loving.

Crazy me, I want them to like getting something that they wanted, too. That's why I'd like a list to help me know that I'm hitting somewhere close to the mark. In this economy, in my world, that is only fair.:)

As far as emotionally prepping for holidays, I am starting to realize that there are certain triggers for me, for my illness having a better hold on me and bringing me down.

For instance, the whole what do you do for a living thing and comparisons to others. I must fight, Fight, FIGHT against thoughts of comparisons negatively to others, as the overwhelm of so many people is already difficult for me.

Others are not doing this to me. Low-self esteem or lack of acceptance of myself for myself over the years past - and I am in my head and no one else - has been the most contributing factor to down feelings and thoughts I think when I am around large groups of people.

I am never treated like a leper or anything unkind, quite the opposite, I am very accepted for my quiet ways into husband's family and I must take that to heart.

I must also take care not be the 'energizer bunny,' to be overly manic, cause I get so thrilled and overwrought being around sooo many people. I have been through it a couple times and I am preparing myself to come through with brainwaves (emotions) that are not all over the place.

I am home cleaning today. I almost wrote I am in 'hope' cleaning today. Freudian slip. Hee hee.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Takin' the dogs to Christmas

I think I am going to have some new pictures up on the 'Good Stuff' site, but I just have to find my camera from the Thanksgiving weekend!

Things are going fairly well. I'm getting ready for Christmas like many people. I have definitely decided to take the dogs with us to our relatives as it is just astronomical (the polar opposite to economical) to board them.

Even though Mia is rambunctious, hyper, manic - the whole nine yards around people and acts every bit the puppy even though she's 17 months old (I don't think it's normal) and Emma is security personnel and will probably bark at everything, we did get the okay from my husband's 90-year-old grandmother to bring them, bless her heart.

She is a wonderful lady lady, his grandmother. She is the last possible chance I have to having a grandmother that is all things wonderful, sweet and grandmotherly. My grandparents are all gone now, and my mom's mom was not the cookie baking or even happy type when when she came to live with us. So I soooo appreciate this woman and very much like being around her.

She does not understand bipolar and keeps wondering why I don't get a job, but she is still super kind to me anyway and seems very accepting of me. Now I can tell her I help clean up grants/proposals and am learning to write them for a non-profit and maybe that will stop the questions about it, and we can all be happy. She makes the best peanut butter balls in the world.:)

She was impressed when I was doing the baking thing, and just gets upset when I quit things.

I did get asked back to the baking thing and I am considering doing it, since it will be a little money and gas has gone down, maybe it won't burn all my gas money to go to it!

The Pug widget is down right now because the site is having technical difficulties. I am going to keep it up or reboot it or whatever is necessary, because I LOVE it!! So cute, I do nothing and have a Pug a day. What fun! (click on it to go to the site and there are still tons of Pug pics up to see:)

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Thanksgiving; getting off of Seroquel

I had a good Thanksgiving. Went to the inlaws and MIL cooked the turkey lunch with all the fixin's including mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, a beautiful spinach salad with bacon and strawberries, carrots - lots of good stuff. I brought peanut butter cup cupcakes, I know, I got off extremely easily, but I can't see my MIL letting me cook in her kitchen, even if I knew how to cook a big turkey. That will be for Husband and I to figure out, maybe put it on this rotisserie thing we've got, someday!

My MIL is a good cook and does a fair amount of it and we had lots of leftover turkey. She would mix it with gravy and we could put it on the leftover stuffing or make sandwiches with it out of bread. I also learned how to make lasagna (at least, Her way, which of course, is the way Husband likes it!:) with cottage cheese. I know my Mom used Ricotta, but my MIL says that was a little 'bitter' and everyone liked the cottage cheese just fine. Interesting.

I got to hang around my BIL, and play the drums and sing on 'Rock Band' for the first time. Playing drums is hard, at least it is for me. I am much better on guitar. I sounded terrible singing but received far more 'money' for the singing gigs than guitar. Go figure!

Then there was the shopping. We went to a shop called, 'Steinmart' (seriously, not Walmart) where they would have these incredible discounts on things, even 75% off short sleeve men's shirts and they were quality shirts. I enjoyed myself greatly, spending a little over the $25 allotted for my family 'Secret Santa' as I got two quality articles of clothing for that amount - a white short sleeve shirt that reminds me of bicycle tops (and my Secret Santa person likes to bicycle a lot so it seemed perfect to me) and a very thick, brand name pullover with a half-zipper. I also bought a $5 silk shirt for Husband! That's the kind of bargains I found, or I should say my MIL lead me to, she is so good at finding these things!:)

We did get locked out of the car, but my FIL bailed us out and it was really no big deal, and then had a nice lunch at Quizno's. I think Subway is healthier somehow, but Quizno's prime rib sub sandwich is Yummy!!

I started dancing to a dancing cd yesterday. Exercise is really helpful for mood, that is so obvious to me. I am learning to 'latin dance' and it is fun. I may look ridiculous learning, but nobody's looking!:)

I have also been getting a little more sleep, now that I'm coming off the Seroquel, but it is often a struggle in the middle of the night. I find that I am so tired that I often go to bed early but now wake up in the middle of the night, unable to go back to sleep. I woke up today at 4:30 a.m. and that was it, I've been up ever since.

I used to think I needed tons of sleep. Now I'm thinking why sleep so much. Except that being that being medicated before made sure that I wasn't going to go manic over lack of sleep. Now, I have to be careful and make sure I get enough rest, but at this point I am happy with being off one med!!:)

I hope you had a good Thanksgiving and I look forward to catching up on all 'my' blogs. Have a great day!:)


Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Will B Gone for the Holiday:)

Greece, The Cyclades Islands, Webshots. (Not going here, but isn't it beautiful? I'm thankful for scenes like this.:)
Collection of kitties, Webshots.

Made my cupcakes today, after getting up early and taking Husband to work since my car's battery/alternator has given up the ghost (a-nother expense!!) and the only way to have a car is to share.

I had to take my beautiful Siamese to the kennel today. I felt like I was signing away my only child (my Pugs are a different kind of children) to the nut house, where he was not going to understand that I was coming back for him, an' it made me sad.

We are going to see the inlaws. Everyone - have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I am thankful for many things, amongst them wonderful friends.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Monday, November 24, 2008

I'm up; not out:)

It is 3:04 a.m. and I am up, after falling so blissfully asleep around 9 p.m. after being sooo tired.

I think this is because I am re-conditioning my body. I slept for only two hours the past few nights, woke up and then took a nap later. My body is confused and without a certain medication (Seroquel) that it has been used to, and needs time to adjust.

So, I am not worried. :)

My Mom sent me this GREAT link! You have just got to see it, it can't help to put a smile on your face. Plus, I believe it's the music of Michael Buble, my favorite. (Oops! No, it's Harry Connick, Jr., who sounds good, too:) Enjoy!!

Friday, November 21, 2008

I'm not lazy; I'm just medicated!!:)

This phrase came to mind this morning when considering another night of bouncing back and forth between taking Seroquel, in an effort to get off of it. Last night was a no-take it night.

I ended up not going to bed until 4 a.m. (watching 'Citizen Kane' in the meantime - "ROSEBUD!!" - and cross-stitching till the wee hours) and then still getting up at 8 a.m. and here I am still up, and not wanting to go back to sleep. Yaay, me!!

I say 'Yaay, me!!' but what is clear is that I am a creature of chemicals, whether my own or the medication (and I admit that this contributed to some of my meltdowns yesterday - what an emotional, moody day that was for a while, as I became angry and sad all at once after these realizations. I took a break from blogging about surviving Seroquel for a day to see if I would in fact survive!:).

Meaning: I am so affected by a little 'ol pill. If not affected by a little 'ol pill I am left to a seemingly more natural state, which it looks like I AM CAPABLE of getting up in the morning, something that my body had completely forgotten for years at I have been medicated for years.

If not for the fact that I have had 2 hours of sleep and and am OH SO awake, I was considering getting off the Seroquel for good and not taking it anymore. It is just so awful to almost see the food cravings, to see myself unable to move in the morning or wanting to go back to bed so badly after taking it the night before that I want to be off it. At the same time, I don't want to risk mania (you heard it here, folks. As a bipolar I, mania takes me to Saturn, not a day of charging it at the mall or even within this stratosphere) by getting no sleep for days.

I help 'clean up' the big grant tonight at five, so I have something to do this evening and that usually revs me, and keeps me up late. Time will tell what will happen tomorrow - in the morning and if I get more sleep. If not, I will allow myself to have a wasted day on Sunday after taking it again. What's one wasted day, when you realize you have wasted years on this stuff?

See, I am my own pdoc half the time. I wanted so badly to call and ask what the hell to do yesterday when my mood was up, down, all around, and I was scared as to what was happening. But my Pdoc is only around on Mondays and nobody at the County answers these kind of calls. After years of dealing with Them, I knew I was on my own.

I did have moments, one moment I can remember, of feeling suicidal. But every moment was so fleeting, even that didn't last long, without much effort on my part. Thank God for the emotional ADD that occurs with this illness.

I think it's important to blog this stuff out, put it out there for other people who feel that their 'chemicals' (natural or not (the meds)) are messed up, because as bipolars, I think people relate and don't have people talking about it much.

My husband laughed when I said I was mad that a little pill could turn me upside down like this. I said, "I'm glad you can get a little chuckle out of this." He said, well don't you know, that's why you take the meds in the first place, because your chemicals are out of whack (I paraphrased it). Yes, I must be reminded that I am on Disability for a reason. I must be reminded that for all I accomplish, which seems minor, I do in fact have an illness. That is painful.

On a more positive note, I have shifted into overdrive in finishing the baby cross-stitch and in cross-stitching in general. It's something I can do, it has a neat outcome, because you can see your work and it's pretty. What more could you want from a hobby?:) And at the moment, I have the energy to work on it.

Thanks to all for listening. I hope you have a great day, a well day. I mean that.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Hot Water is Back!!

Husband was home today (an unusual occurance believe me, he works hard day in and day out and hardly ever takes a sick day!!) and we went together and bought a new water heater and then had our reputable air conditioning guy send his heating guy out to install it.

So we are all good!! Now the dishwasher is running, and soon SHOWERS!! I feel a touch under the weather myself, just headachy and lightheaded but I'll be fine.

Mike Golch at http://mjgolch.blogspot.com/ gave me this great award:

Isn't it beautiful?! I want to give it to Tracy, most of all (you are my 'Tart!), and Stacy and Raine.

I hope all have a good day. Hugs!!

We are without hot water!!

Yes, as seemingly inevitably (according to my husband's somewhat negative attitude about things falling apart) something fell apart at home, actually two days ago.

I noticed when I went to wash my face two evenings ago that there was no hot water but Husband didn't think too much of it. He noticed it Yesterday, when trying to wash something in the clothes washer. We realized too, that when we ran the dishwasher, that was probably lacking in (wonderful sanitizing) hot water as well.

Hot water comes in HAN-dy, especially when it's cold outside and you don't want to freeze your bejeevers off in the shower. Nothing worse than being cold, naked and nothing but a thin towel to warm you up before you get dressed!!

Husband was home yesterday, as luck would have it, literally for a sick day. He is still not feeling well, but I think figuring out what to do about the water heater is going to be something we will be talking about!!

Speaking of Husband, I finished his scarf!! It's shown on the 'Good Stuff' page, along with a recipe for Chicken Vegetable Soup. Go check it out! www.jungletartsgoodstuff.blogspot.com

Clarification about the fundraiser

Just to let you know, we only received 10% of the proceeds of our fundraiser. So, we brought in quite a bit of money that day (or at least had quite a bit recorded in our favor) in order to make a couple hundred dollars!!:)

I felt like I made it sound like we didn't do so well, when in fact that was quite a bit raised, we only see a small portion of it.

I KNOW that was weighing heavily on your mind and I just had to share!!!

Update on my coming off of Seroquel: the first night

After nearly two weeks of not blogging, I find myself chock full of ideas to blog about!! I will do three little entries this morning, which I would like to add is 7:12 a.m. in the morning. As many know, "I don't do mornings" so you know what a miracle this is.

First thing, I DID NOT MUNCH AFTER DINNER last night!!!!!!!!! What an absolute awesome thing that was, because if you don't eat the calories they can't come back to bite you!! Time will only tell, but I believe strongly that not taking my Seroquel is the key component to lack of munchies last night. I am sooo happy!!:)

But remember, I'm not off it yet. I get two weeks of ups and downs, because tonight I take the darn pill, tomorrow I don't and so on, until I'm more 'weaned' off.

Then, I did finally fall asleep around midnight or 1 a.m. this morning, which is not a surprise since I like to watch a little T.V. in bed and that revs me a little, which I admit keeps me from falling asleep as quickly. Well, if I am medicated, which I almost always am unless I had forgot it, I can fall asleep during my 'last show.' But I did fall asleep without sleeping pills. (Hey, I sometimes have to do what I gotta do, but I do it only when needed). So the P-doc would be happy about that.

THEN, I woke up for Good this a.m. at 6:30 a.m. This is amazing because just a year or two ago, before Abilify, I was capable of sleeping until the afternoon, and then with Abilify (after December 2007) I could easily get up at 10 a.m. take it or leave it, that's an improvement. 6:30 a.m. is amazing!! What am I going to do with all this time? Put some books up on Ebay? Write? Organize? Dance in the morning? Wow! This is a new world! (I hope it lasts, that is my fear with each new 'great' thing).

I was having a little bit of fitful sleep, thinking about how I didn't explain the fundraiser better, because we actually did much better than I explained, and I think I should say so. So I was planning to get on here and write that out.:)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

It's been a week (okay, 2)...

...of up and downs for me. I think I have experienced many of my symptoms from anxiety to lack of sleep (5 a.m. to bed finally this morning to be for me - ay yi yi!!), to being down and feeling worthless, for days lolling in bed wishing the day was over, to feeling good and sometimes, very rarely SomeTimes, on top of the world. All in the life of bipolar, eh!

I will be getting off of Seroquel in about two weeks, a pill that was meant to knock me out at night, be an anti-psychotic - and a real pill in the battle of the midnight munchies. I really think that it has a lot to do with the overwhelming cravings I get to EAT something 1/2 hour after I take my evening meds. Not to mention, I think I eat to stay awake, if that makes sense. It's like the body says NO! Don't sleep, eat for energy, Wake Up Girl! Which is so counter-productive to most of my goals. I'm working hard to quell the monster at night (the food cravings) and I'm willing to see what life is like without this drug. Wish me luck!:)

Well, we made some money last (2 Sat.'s ago) Saturday, just a couple hundred, which is amazing perhaps considering the economy. We must have 'waylaid' every customer that came into the one store that we were allowed to hand out flyers at and there was nice camaraderie amongst the 4-5 women from the center that showed up. I stayed for the whole time, 9 a.m. to 4 p.m., as my intrepid boss was so exhausted and tired from days of working on grants and handling some chaos at the Center, that she really wanted to go home, and that was okay.

The consensus was that we did well, even though our boss was a little down because the overhead for paying some people to be there considerably lessened profit. Oh well, live and learn. It takes an awful lot of effort to make a little money for 'free.'

We each bought some things from the store, which added to the fundraiser, as well as each had the opportunity to pick out some things for recreation, prizes for games, etc., that the Center paid for. We got lots of fun stuff for a small price!


I saw 10 little flakes of snow come down today. First snow of the season, but it didn't really happen. Still it was magical and pretty and made me start singing "Purty Little Snowflake" by Jim Reeves:

Hey, hey, hey Snowflake,

My purty Little Snowflake,

A change in the weather,

Has made it better for me....

Hey, hey, hey...

:) Tart

Friday, November 7, 2008

Tomorrow is the Big Day!

Okay, tomorrow is the Big Day - the day we fundraise in/and in front of a dollar store for my County Drop in Center.

We hope this will be just the beginning of fund-raisers for the Center in the future.

The Drop In Center's mission is to provide a stress-free, stigma-free atmosphere for people 18 and over who are mental health consumers.

The Center gives mentally ill people a place to meet, to make new friends, to forget about their illness, to get out of the house for a while. People, that alone is a huge deal, whether it sounds like it or not.

This center is one of the few places in our area that the mentally ill can come together and play games like pool and ping-pong, get on a computer, talk to others, and just be! There are activities scheduled for each day and it's also just a place for down time, and getting out of the house. It is proving very successful.

For this fund-raiser, we are setting up a table in front of a local dollar store, where we will be handing out little cards to folks entering it, to remind them that if they mention us, we receive 10% of the profits of their sale.

I made the original arrangements with this particular dollar store to confirm our date (as well as their store across the county, located in a mall that won't let us hand out our flyers/cards. We will just hope for the best there). I started the organizing of it, and am playing an active part in it.:)

This all happened because a flyer of the store came in my snail mail here at the house, and caught my eye because it mentioned they would fundraise for schools and any non-profit.

I told our Executive director about it, and she encouraged me to call and make the arrangements. I was scared to cold call, I'll be honest, but I have made it through, with lots of praying, and I have been encouraged by the Director (she's a wonderful person with a heart of gold), as well as friends and family.

Also, we will be selling arts & crafts (mostly beaded jewlery) at our table. There will be pamphlets about what the center is about there as well.

I will be there bright and early at 8:45 a.m.

At this time, I am CALM and doing Okay about it. I was not thrilled with the idea of contact with complete strangers, or being the face of mental illness for anybody, but at the moment all butterflies and fears have subsided. I am really thankful for the support that I have had on blog and off about this subject!

I went to the Center last night to have a meeting with the founder of the Center and it's Executive director and that actually helped considerably with my anxiety.

They don't want me to stress out about anything, and made sure to let me know that. Not about this fundraiser or the grants we are working on. What wonderful people. Really. They are up to their ears in stress and sometimes chaos, and they are so kind to me. And it worked because I feel better.:)

Oh! And I forgot to update!! - the local newspaper did say they would mention our fundraiser, or try to mention it on their FYI page. That was great because I think my 'old contacts' at the paper made a difference. That made me feel good.:)

I hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend. I wish you each well in your activities, and I'll let you know that I survived mine.:)

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Having a goood day, so far.

Berries Delight, Golden Mountain Ash, Webshots.

I set up a fundraiser for my nonprofit for this Saturday. Even though I am having stress dreams and anxiety about handing out flyers to total strangers, I am super proud of the work I have done. Today, it occurred to me that I could try and get it into the newspaper and used one of my old newspaper contacts to try to get it in. We'll see how that goes.

Sunday, November 2, 2008


Did you guys know that my husband's cousin had her baby? One day earlier than expected actually, on October 24th. I reveal Baby's name on my good stuff blog, www.jungletartsgoodstuff.blogspot.com .

Even though, or especially because, I don't have children, I get really excited for people having babies. I'm still working on the 'birth record' cross-stitch for the parents of the baby (that's who you really give it to) to be given to them at Christmas.

I hope you have a good rest of the weekend.

A serious note: Anonymous-es

I am thinking quite seriously of lifting my 'no anonymous' part of my comments.

It was something that I instituted after receiving a mean-spirited, kamikaze comment from an anonymous person on a well-Googled post of mine.

I felt not only was it meant to be personally cruel to me, with no flavor of helpful criticism, much like an MSN hate board, it really bothered me as to how I was going to respond to it and I ended up deleting it, just like any of us would do with spam.

Signing something 'anonymous' that is cruel, with the person who wrote it obviously afraid you will come back and say something on their blog, or find out anything about them, or to spread a feeling of mean-spiritedness or whatever cop-out reason these people do it is COWARDLY.

So I decided to stop anymore anon's for that time being until I felt a little stronger.

I ask sincerely, that commenter's understand what I have stated from the outset most importantly on this blog - that I have a mental illness and for all my strength with my illness, please be considerate. I don't think, no I know, that I have ever gone to another blog and tried to tear someone apart, and I ask the same consideration from the public.

You can blog with a pseudonym, like me, I am 'Tart, you can not be a blogger at all and simply want to leave a comment, you can be one of my Wordpress friends that I have always valued greatly and appreciate the efforts they have made during my 'anon' moratorium (thank you in particular, Mike Golch) - I'm going to be brave, give it a try and go to allowing all to comment on my blog again.

You may never know how much I value the visitors to my blog, first and foremost.

It has become increasingly important for me to REACH OUT in blog world and the reality world to continue my so-called Recovery from bipolar (I am not convinced I like the word recovery, but that can be a post in itself). It is trust I leave with you, an attempt to lift from myself some of my security paranoia, (which is great, and another post as well).

I wanted to give a heads up on this subject, I may even post something on my sideboard, I don't know. I wish you well, and happy commenting.

Lets101 Quizzes - Fun Quiz

I used to be Deathly Afraid of needles, but I have since gotten over having to have my blood taken. I hope this picture is not too graphic, and doesn't make anyone uncomfortable. It's just the pic that came with this quiz! Everyone have a great day!

A Gift Basket for all my blog friends!!

I found this neat site while out looking for something new and different. This is for All my blog readers. Enjoy!

Gift Basket for fun

Basically, this just looks pretty, because I don't see how you can access all the cute things I put in there for you and see them up close. Oh, well. Well, try to enjoy it:)

Lies! Lies! I tell you!!

I put my blog through 'the wringer' to see what it would be rated and it said this!:

This Page is Rated



Lets101 - Free Online Dating

Now you just KNOW, that isn't true!! But I'd believe it for the Good Stuff blog.:)

Just for fun!

Powered By - Online Phone Cards Company

Got bored & THis is what happened!!:)

I have taken this quiz on lets101.com:

My quiz result:

The truth about you

You are an animal activist. Now drop that KFC drum-stick. The chicken will love you too.

November 2nd 2008

Who knew?!

Monday, October 27, 2008

A meme: I say, you think:

This meme was off of Mike Golch's wordpress site.
I like it because no one said I had to use just one word!!

1. Contemplate :: How to do this meme!

2. In the house :: 2 Pugs (one very high-strung that barks a lot, it seems! Both cute as can be though!), a Siamese cat, me, and a computer that I love (I get a lot of fun out it!:)

3. Classical :: music. This kind of reminds me that I play my clarinet sometimes, which I still enjoy!

4. Quest :: for happiness. To provide better structure for my day. To reach out a little more in reality land.

5. Best friend :: My husband; a reality-land friend I have that I don't name on blog; and Tracy:) The last two may not be in that order!!

6. 1991 :: OOhhh!! This was such a good year!! I was in college, this was the year I met my husband (who was in the Navy at the time), and the year I fell in love with The Black Crowes.

7. Never will :: give up.

8. Fool :: try very hard not to be, which closes my world in.

9. Unhappy :: at various times. The nature of the illness is sometimes to be unhappy for no conceivable reason at all which makes me even more unhappy, when that happens!!

10. Best man :: My bro-in-law, who I just love to pieces! He forgot what he wanted to say at the wedding toast, but pulled out a piece of actual toast, and it was hilarious! I love him for being him!

1. Contemplate ::
2. In the house ::
3. Classical ::
4. Quest ::
5. Best friend ::
6. 1991 ::
7. Never will ::
8. Fool ::
9. Unhappy ::
10. Best man ::

If you do it, let me know!:)

Friday, October 24, 2008


Today I would like make a list of people I am praying for and for what.

It is very much because of blog world that I have become aware of needs in my small world of Other People, and if you want to think about these wonderful people sometime during your day, I invite you to do so.

My friend Tracy, who Needs very much to find a doctor to help her with her fibermyalgia specifically and one who will understand her bleeding disorder and lead poisoning issues as well. Please pray that she will find one soon that will stop her from having to ration her pain pills and be in terrible withdrawal. It makes me cry, because she is a wonderful, SWEET person who does not need to be put through this foolishness.

My friend Stacy, who is Tracy's twin, who is struggling with a son who is very beloved and bipolar and who tries her, and has had a hard week with her job. I am so blessed to know her in blog world and I find her to be an utter delight. I LOVE her comments here on my blog, and I am so glad to know that she is a real person and she deserves to know I pray for her.:)

Mike Golch, a fellow blogger, and a friend to many, as he often sends out prayer requests for deserving bloggers everywhere. Mike, you don't know it, but you give so much, and I'm sorry for the seizures that you suffer often and are a significant bother for you. I think about you often and pray for you.

I add a prayer here for a friend of a friend, in the real world, that I know that I don't talk to often anymore but hear about through a friend.

This person's girlfriend just had a heart attack. She was suffering seizures yesterday, but today is in stable condition, although she is on a respirator. She owns her own house, but if she survives this ordeal she will have to sell her house to pay for medical costs and live in a nursing home. I don't know how much of her life she will be able to regain after this ordeal. I still hope that she can regain strength and I am thinking of my friend who is sad about his girlfriend.

I know I haven't 'covered' everybody, but these are just some that I think of and thought could use a tiny shout-out from my corner of the world.

My world has been greatly made better by being on blog and finding out the needs of others. Blessings to all in blogger land.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


Whew! Within a day - thank God!

Things that cheered me up after having my brain chemicals wreak havoc on me:

1. My brain chemicals let up on me just a little allowing me to think. Thanks Brain Chemicals!!

2. I performed my face regimen: I had ordered Mary Kay from a friend, so I did my cleanser, toner, and moisturizers, pulled my hair back in a pony tail (because it’s greasy and I can’t handle the thought of a shower right now, soooo sorry), put my contacts in and considered makeup – maybe after exercising which should prove to be a big picker upper later on after I digest cheer-up # 3.

3. Ordered Chinese food. I am now full, and full of hot & sour soup, which is such comfort food for me I cannot express. I don’t know how to make it, therefore I order.

4. I had good telephone calls, that cheered me up immensely and made me know that I am loved. Thank you truly from my heart for those calls. Several were made by me out to the world, but it’s the one that calls in to check on me that is truly kind.

5. I am considering scrapbooking. Nothing serious like my wedding pictures that are an ongoing thing, but a bunch of cards that I have received, like for my birthday and for my Dad’s bereavement, so I can flip through and feel the warm fuzzies. I am trying figure out the best way to deal with those acidic (the paper, not the sentiment, hee hee!) little cards. What a problem.

6. Working on that cross stitch for a Mom that is due TOMORROW (what that must be like interests me greatly, and I feel for her, I really do). Can’t wait to find out Baby’s name.

7. Working on crochet projets (yes, that’s French for project, cause crochet was originally a French word. Yup.)

8. Love up a critter. Reese kitty is always trying to warm his lovely chocolate-colored feet on me. Sometimes I take advantage of it and let him love me.:)

9. Not to mention writing this all out. That helps me mucho greatly.:)

I am just sharing some things that cheered me up, because I printed such a downer below and I did find ways to work on shaking it. It’s a process of forcefully shaking it, not hoping to shake it. Something had to be done, and it's the little things that often help me.

I’m not working on the grant stuff right now, maybe mulling it around in my head. The thing now is the letter that will open doors, that’s a little bit of pressure, but I think I have most of the info needed to do that. Anyway, this is life for now. Ups downs and all arounds.

bipolar has it's week.

I have been trying to think of a way to express myself on blog about what I have been feeling lately, since last night. I started posts, but kept erasing them.

I googled 'pit of despair' this morning, there's stuff on there about the stock market 08, so I feel I can talk about my piddly problems.:) That is some kind of joke, I think, for anyone who cares.

I am at Such A Low, there are almost no words. I know that I don't have a huge support system, not on the web or in life and I am barely hanging by a thread. That is the truth. There are tears flowing down my face. I don't think I make sense anymore. This one is a doozy. I'm going down for the count. I am thinking of ways to off myself and they are scary. There are not a lot of options today.

This is making me simultaneously angry. I have stuff to work on. I have some goals I thought. Oh! And I didn't mention that I singlehandedly started a fundraiser for the Drop In Center (I wrote a few posts down what the heck that is).

Seriously. I got a flyer in the mail for a local dollar store that does fundraisers for non-profits made the calls after talking to the people at DIC and set the thing up. So I should be thrilled that I Accomplished something. Not so, so much. I'm dreading standing outside the building on the chosen day and handing out flyers. It's never enough.

Back to being angry and monstrously sad (nearly simultaneously), is this the crazy almost no-name illness that no one gives a d*n about?

I have tried so hard to accomplish things only to have the illness try so hard to take it away. That makes me bawl just writing it.

Huuuuuuuggggs & blessssings to everyone.

PS- My therapist who I saw on Monday, says last week was hard on a lot of people. She doesn't know if it's the full moon, the change in the weather, or her lack of skills (that was my input here, and no where else) but people are Feeling Bad. Just a note.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Bodacious Blog Buddies Award

Mike over at http://mjgolch.wordpress.com/ is giving this wonderful award out to his blog list. I don't have a blog list but I would like to give this award to a few people:






:) Considered yourself awarded, Bodacious Buddies!!

The ABC's of grant writing

Raine asked an interesting question: “so you like ask for grants ? is that it?”

Well, there’s a lot to it that I am finding out about. The long story is this:

1) You’ve got to Find the Grants (lots of research)
2) You’ve got to Apply for the Grants (lots of writing & proof-reading & having the info to put in them.)

We’re talking about grants for a non-profit, which is where the majority of grants are, as opposed to an individual or a for-profit business.

This means the organization has done the legwork and has received the Non-Profit 503 (c)(3) designation from the IRS.

My wonderful person that I am working with explained to me that the organization is like a stool, with the organization being the top flat part of the stool itself, and the consumer being the ‘butt’ that sits on it (and in this case rests its weary soul upon it!). The $money$ that supports the organization is the four legs of the stool:

1) Government grants
2) Fundraising
3) Corporate/Foundation Grants
4) Selling things and making a profit for the organization

These four things are the money sources that keep a non-profit going. And they need money all the time, for everything from administrative costs, to paying for the light bill, to food for the consumers (the folks that show up every day and are the reason the place exists!).

I am working on corporate grants for the food program at the Drop In Center. This wasn't too hard as I found the right phrase to put into Google and I was set! I was so excited when I found the pages on the internet where it directs you to apply for a grant from say, the local grocery store foundation!

Sometimes you apply with their form, sometimes you conjure up a letter to ask them for the privilege of being thought of at their next board meeting for a grant – to start the process.

So, now that I have found a few grocery store foundations that may possibly give money, I must start a) filling out the forms they have provided or b) send a letter to tell them of our need. So there is writing involved especially when thinking of what to say in that letter.

Also, there is a lot of grant writing to do, since apparently often only about 1 out of 2 or 3 grant requests actually gets filled. That means a lot of work just to receive the monies needed to run a program.

You don’t know if all or one of your requested grants are going to be filled. It could literally be feast or famine for the Drop In Center’s food program, unless we make a concerted effort to write out about six grant requests to make sure we are safe, in the effort to make sure we get two actually granted. Whew! That’s a lot of work!

There’s a lot of writing and thinking about writing involved in this. I can only do what I can do a little at a time, to wrap my head around all the little parts involved in a large grant package/proposal. But it’s a challenge I’ve accepted. I’ll keep you updated.:)

Friday, October 10, 2008

Delving into the world of Grants!

I spent much of my day researching places that could be potential 'givers of money' for a particular reason for the Drop In Center.

Wow! It was a lot of fun, especially when I found my first address that I could send a request to!

I was hopping up and down for joy and praising God for leading me on this path, and frankly for helping me, when I don't quite know what I am doing.

I know He's leading me and I'm happy about it. I have prayed to be led the way He wants me to, and although these things take time, both my being led & grant writing in general, I am feeling GOOOOD about it.

I am thinking of suggesting a crochet class at the Center, and maybe the products made by people could be sold, for fund-raising purposes.

I know they will say, 'Hunh, I wonder who could teach that class?:)' If they are thinking it's me that will be INTERESTING as I have been avoiding teaching anything most of my life, especially the technicalities of making something. They may not like the idea at all for all I know.:)

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Feeling better today.

As much as I love her, and I really like her a lot I thought, I have no desire to see any of Angelina Jolie's latest movies. She does a movie on Daniel Pearl, playing as his wife Marianne, admitting that it really was a downer playing that particular time period (we all know what happened to Mr. Pearl).

Now she does a movie, 'Changling,' where she admits when she first read it she wanted 'to stay as far away from it as possible.' So guess what? I am too. As a person who has spent more time in a mental hospital than her character does in this movie, I don't want to see it, hear it or speak it either. The brief synopsis that I just got from MSN was spoiler-alert good enough for me. Don't need to see it now, thanks.:)

My sore throat was significantly better when I got up today. Thank you to
Tracy for your home remedies, particularly the garlic, which I had a lot of at the house and took plenty of. I really think it helped a lot!:) I also had chicken soup for dinner tonight (how did they make that 'terrible' supposedly-MSG laden Progresso only 1 little point in Weight Watchers? AWESOME!).

Spent the day at Drop In Center, some of it discussing the grant I will be working on. I need to get off my duff and work on that!!:) I'm excited, it's for a good cause.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Under the weather (physically)

My throat's a' fire, people! I had to cancel a meeting with a wonderful person today, just for a social visit, and for reading the Bible with Tracy (who is even more wonderful!).

I went back to bed hoping I would feel better - hah! My throat's still on fire, especially when I swallow.

I called the person I will be working on a grant with, as we were supposed to meet tomorrow, and she told me about taking garlic when you think you have an infection, as a method to stave off having to get expensive antibiotics, if the garlic helps and you don't have to go to the doctor after all. Hunh! That is a new one, but I went and took a bunch of garlic pills that I have. I do feel sweaty and infectious. I'll be by your blogs as I can, and I wish everybody a much better day than I'm feeling!



Tuesday, October 7, 2008

About my new weight ticker.:)

My friend Tracy has put a special weight ticker up on her blog, which has inspired me to do the same.

I am putting my actual weight in because I think it will help me stay more accountable and I will remember better what my goals are if its in real numbers. (I'm starting with a smaller goal rather than the whole shebang).

This is Not Easy for me, to just put that number out for everyone and everyone to see, please be kind, because I must hold myself accountable and I think this is a great way to do it. I thought about blogging about weight before and now Tracy has opened a great way for me to do so here.

If you read Tracy's post where she first talks about her weight gain, it was because doctors wanted to focus on her health, and weren't so worried about weight gain.

My situation is similar, my doctors have many times focused on my mental health, which included putting me on medications that gain the weight and sometimes give you weird cravings for the wrong kinds of foods. Couple that with less than a real desire to get sweaty and workout, a thyroid that has been messed up by Lithium, oh the list of reasons goes on, I weigh more than I want to.

But there is hope. The thing that proved that to me was my six-month stay in a mental hospital fourteen years ago. They were trying mongo amounts of drugs on me, slowly, But they put me on a specific-calorie diet and we walked and exercised a lot. I came out thin. It is possible to be on a lot of meds and Work it off.

That's why it's so great that Tracy mentioned water aerobics, because I was really enjoying that when I was going with my Mom. I just have to get myself motivated to go back, after that time of the month, and get in the pool again. I guess I am honestly looking forward to it.

Friday, October 3, 2008

31 Things Meme.

I've been tagged by Tracy to do the 31 Things Meme.The Rules: Answer the questions using only one word. Then tag four others.
1. Where is your cell phone? here
2. Your significant other? hubby
3. Your hair? brown
4. Your mother? adventure
5. Your father? missed
6. Your favorite thing? lots
7. Your dream last night? interesting
8. Your favorite drink? water
9. Your dream/goal? book
10. The room you’re in? office
11. Your hobby? writing
12. Your fear? spiders
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? satisfied
14. What you’re not? skinny
15. Muffins? blueberries
16. One of your wish list items? book
17. Where you grew up? U.S.
18. The last thing you did? telephone
19. What are you wearing? clothes
20. Favorite gadget? computer
21. Your pets? three
22. Your computer? helpful
23. Your mood? okay
24. Missing someone? yes
25. Your car? enjoy
26. Something you’re not wearing? watch
27. Favorite store? yarn
28. Like someone? yes
29. Your favorite color? maroon
30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? yesterday

I tag Jena and anyone else who would like to do a cool meme! (Come back and let me know you did it!:)

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Keeping busy, feeling better.:)

Ahhh! Feeling better because I have gotten a lot done, and if nothing else, stayed quite busy these last few days.:)

Yesterday I did not leave the house, but I learned so much about grant writing off of the internet. I really studied this site at www.raise-funds.com from a Google search and printed 14 pages of good stuff, highlighting along the way and getting an idea of how the performance of a grant writer should be evaluated, all the way to actually writing a proposal. Neat stuff!

It turns out that it is recommended that a grant writer be paid hourly or by the project, Not by if the grant is received (or actually granted) or not. The work is in the work to get the grant, not if it is granted!

Also, you should not be padding a request for 'real money' (for the operation or whatever it is you're asking money for) into the request as that's not really right and granter's are not keen on that anyway.

I am learning so much!!

So, I have an actual appointment to meet with a very cool and supportive person at Drop In Center and she said she would not leave me out in the cold, she is really going to help me through this (proposal-writing process)!

I am very much looking forward to doing something that is:

  1. Writing
  2. Using my dang degree
  3. Doing a 'real' freelance job (one that has an actual Association and is in demand)
  4. Helping a very good cause that I believe in

The Drop In Center is for the mentally ill by the mentally ill. Some very stable mentally ill women started this non-profit organization with grants and will continue to need them to continue the center.

It really is doing a world of good for a lot of people. People can come from all over to talk to each other, to play games and relax, to get on the computer - and to realize they are not alone in mental illness, and that mental illness doesn't have to be the focus of their life, its just a part of it, and that other people understand.

What a gift these ladies have created! And I'm so honored and hopeful and want to work hard to help them.

Today, I have gone to the library to turn in sheets that I put into the database, return books on scrapbooking for the family (and re-check out two more, he he!) and got books on Grant Writing, to get a better handle on it and understand it more, all before my appointment with the Center next week.

Thank you for the support received on my blog about some of the topics I've been talking about on here. You guys are great! Hugs & blessings to you all!

As an update from Denise at her http://samaritanwomen.blogspot.com/ blog: she thanks the many people for their prayers, and has such good news - her dear niece will get to go home to see her baby and husband to recover from her C-section, and in weeks will go for the heart surgery. It also turns out that the hole in her heart is not quite as significant as previously thought.

I am so glad for Denise and her family, and I haven't quit praying for you, as I continue to pray for so many blog friends.

God bless you all, and I wish a good day for all in blog land. Thank you for your support!:)

Monday, September 29, 2008

New Beginnings.

Well, if you had followed all those comments in the post below, you would find out that I had enough of the baking thing and the annoying person in it, and let it go.

I talked to the supervisor's Mom, who comes to each baking thing, and she said it was not my illness to be so bothered - the annoying one Really Is loud, annoying and we agreed, a drama queen. To an excess that is just not usually seen anywhere.

It takes me days, literally, to get over being in her prescence, the loudness, trying to get my thoughts back, trying to find my footing in reality, that it really isn't worth it to me to be continually subjected to it. Not to mention the gas burned only to be subjected to it (a 40-minute drive for continual unpleasantness). I realize there will always be annoying people at work, but when I work at home I've got the best boss and coworkers in the world. 'nuff said.

The supervisor's Mom said that 'annoying one' was trying for everyone, including her (the sup's Mom) even though she had managerial experience and had learned over time to basically put up with a lot.

But, get this, annoying one is trying to get a full-time job and the soft hearts at the baking program are trying to help her, and I said if she were gone, I'd come back. The Mom's super said, "of course we would like to have you back."

So it does count to be a sweetie, a nice person like myself and I might just be back whenever annoying one is gone, or for the next go-around. I actually said a prayer for annoying one that she would find her fulltime job. Why not? It can't hurt.

But I may be involved in Something New. The Drop In Center in my county is going to let me help with grants. Now that would be a sweet job for me - a grant writer.

I could be freelance, work at home mostly and help people from afar, which is how I often like doing that. (Hey, I admit it, that the helping from afar wish is probably my illness, but at least I like to help).

I will just be learning how to write a grant now, but I figure once one is done and if it turns out well I can go on word of mouth to others. It's not going to be set up tomorrow or the next day, but I have something to look forward to.

Now that I'm not strapped to the baking thing on Tuesdays, I can sub for bowling, which is precisely what I'm doing tomorrow night at my husband's league.

Bowling is a fun thing to do, not that I'm super at it, but because I was on the league for years I have my own ball and shoes, which is nice.

***Please see Denise, at Samaritan Woman, for an important prayer request for her dear niece, who will be having heart surgery, and just had a baby. Thank you.***

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Doing a little better.

I returned my movies to the rental place. I had gotten 'Nim's Island' and 'Dream Girls.'
'Nim's Island' has absolutely no profanity, violence or sex, and is a wonderful family movie. In 'Dream Girls' I could see why Jennifer Hudson won her Oscar, she gives a powerful, singing performance.

So I picked up two more movies, 'The Devil Wears Prada' and 'Juno.' I'm looking forward to watching '..Prada' this afternoon, while I try to kill the twinges of cramps I'm getting (can you tell from the last post that It's approaching?? Ha ha!). Then, I will make dinner.

I have been trying to keep myself busy today. A movie is the perfect way to kill a couple of hours.

MY turn to complain.

I just hate myself for not being kinder. For not having empathy in some cases. I am sooooo not perfect, or even close.

I am going crazy thinking about this girl from my baking class. It’s not enough that she is loud and obnoxious, she has Problems too, oh my. Too much Drama. She’s got to tell all or many of her problems to my supervisor, who feels terribly bad for her, (she got the response she wanted) and I feel bad now because my problems are so piddly and little and unimportant, yet I want to kill myself. After all, I don’t have ANY problems being a mentally ill person that drives WAY out of my way to come to this thing, only to be subjected to a very selfish, loud person.

I feel like I must be some kind of bitch to be overwhelmed and concerned about not wanting to go to baking anymore. I can’t imagine getting a more irritating person to work with. I’m thinking about asking the supervisor if I can come back and work in the Spring.

I can’t take the fact that this person takes over ALL conversation. That she totally tries to roll over me, ignores the fact that I am there and then doesn’t allow me to speak.

And she Complains. Complains that everything is too sweet: I reminded her that we are making desserts, not dog biscuits (and not her dinner).

She actually rolls in 20-30 minutes late and then has the nerve to ask what’s done so she can eat it. That totally got on my nerves and I said, “Can you wait?” To which she replied no and then we get a litany of her day and how she hasn’t had Lunch or Dinner. Not my problem. Not something I have any control over. Should we bring snacks for the cow, instead of water for everybody (the supervisor brings water for us many times out of the kindness of her heart)?

We tell her that things aren’t cooled yet, and she say’s “I’m going to eat it, ANYway” and then complains about how sweet it is. Like I care. Except that it feels like a cut on all the hard work that WE did to make the thing, only to get her ‘learned opinion’ that we haven’t please her. Shut up.

I make what the supervisor has us make. I follow the recipe, which this person can’t get through her head, although we all make mistakes (I forgot to put milk into muffins yesterday, making them dry). But Annoying One has said she doesn’t need to measure, like the professionals, as if she was one. We, meaning the supers, have to remind her that she is not a professional. She absolutely does not get that this is a learning experience and that it’s okay to make mistakes (she gets so dithered if ‘her’ stuff is not perfect. Whatever.) So g*d-d*mn annoying.

I feel like my head is taken over by this person. And all the loving that I receive in my life is for nothing, even though my friends were kind to me at Drop in Center beforehand, even though my Husband is nice to me after, I have to recover from this experience. It’s so lame, and it hurts me. I just want to eat or do something to make it go away. After all, I have my problems too, I just don’t spread them around to the people I work with and every d*n person I can get a hold of. Will someone Please MAKE IT STOP!

PS - I know I've got to take over my own Destiny. I can't allow an annoying person to affect me so. But believe me, it's hard when they are so LOUD. And it boggles the mind that they cannot see that they must take responsibility for her own life, as I must mine. I try very hard to purge myself of this and listen to good stuff and try to feel better. And I actually feel better after typing it all out and GETTING it OUT of my system. Thank you, Dear Reader!:)

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Pretty picture.

Hummingbird, Equador, Webshots

Monday, September 22, 2008

Learning to be Happier. (discussion by 'Tart of "The How of Happiness" by Sonja Lyubomirsky)

I have been very busy over the weekend. One of the neat things I did was after a nice lunch at a restaurant chain that serves lots of out of town visitors, they were having a 75% off sale on lots of items.

Including audio books, some in CD form! What a boon! I got "Charlotte's Web" written by and read by E.B. White, "Cesar's Way" by Cesar Milan the 'Dog Whisperer,' and something called ""The How of Happiness," a Scientific Approach to Getting the Life you Want," by Sonja Lyubomirsky.

I started listening to "The How of Happiness" which is so good I started transcribing her words into my Microsoft Word, so that I could look at it and have to look at again, which is what the actual book would do for me easily, I realize, and I just might buy it.

I have been taking quite seriously what it has to say, and I notice that I have not had a serious low or even medium low since I started to listen to it, which is great for a bipolar!

There is a lot of good stuff in there. Right now, I'm learning about the 'Attitude of Gratitude.' The simple concept that we have heard over and over again of 'count your blessings.'

It really is a truth that you can't feel too sad when you really stop to count just a few of your blessings and take some time to ponder them.

I was going to reprint here what I heard, and what I typed for myself, as the eight reasons why it's so great to count your blessings, but the back specifically says 'This recording may not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without permission from Penguin Audio' so in difference to the author and her publisher, I won't do it.

BUT, I can discuss in my own words what I Thought about it. And I must say that it is already making a positivie impact on my life, if not to simply be reminded of 'the attitude of gratitude' and the other 12 common things that happy people DO to be happy.

For that is one of the (audio) book's exhortations as well, that being happy is a do-er sport, one in which we can enhance our happiness by "intentional activity."

Like remembering our blessings, practicing methods to stop negative thoughts, doing kindesses for others just 'cause, "nurturing relationships," avoiding "overthinking and social comparison," etc.

And she expresses that no one is usually good at all the techniques and that we don't have to be, and she has a great test for determining which would be good techniques to focus on.

Yes, I took the test, and I'm glad I did. I'm glad I am taking the time to learn to be happier.

There's probably going to more discussion of this in the future.:)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Finally doing better on Abilify.

One of the things I noticed with Abilify was a real sense of anxiety, when I first got on it, which takes about two weeks to kick in, as with most medications, and especially when I was on a higher dose of it.

After much convincing of my Pdoc, after him moving this around and that, I made him see that I was on a little too much of the Abilify.

I have been on a lowered dose of it for a month or two and I think I have found something I can live with.

Negatives: still have some anxiety that I don't think I would have if Abilify wasn't in my life.

I have mentioned before that I didn't think that anxiety was a big deal BEFORE. I now see that it can be quite debilitating depending on the level of it, and I personally can't stand feeling that way. So I am glad to have less anxiety, although it is still there, but is very much reduced.

The restless legs thing. I still get moments where I move a lot. I think Atenenol, a derivative of Propanolol (misspell? I'm sorry) the Anti-shake med is helping enormously. The jaw shake is much, much lessoned too. But both leg and jaw, and sometimes hand shake still exist. An Abilify thing, I believe.

The positives: I am not an angry little beyotch anymore. This is so exemplified in my driving. Driving separates the angry from the sane. Seriously. That's where you'll see it, that's a big place where calm at most all times it seriously necessary. And my Mom will get in the car with me now, and comments on how much a better driver I am. Rainmain: I'm a good driver. I'm a good driver. Really.

In general, my anger is down, and patience is up. How great is that? I do attribute it to the Abilify.

I don't know it's uses in Autism, although I have heard that it is being used now.

As with most medications in different illnesses - bipolar, Autism, schizophrenia, ADD, epilepsy, etc., just like with cardiac and diabetes medications to name just a FEW - it is often a trial and error thing to find the ones that work for that specific person.

Some meds work so well for some people, the same med for the same disorder, does not work well.

I believe it is worth the trial and error to find the right med(s), even if it sometimes means a stay in the hospital, for a better quality of life. It is a choice to live or to give up, in some situations. I applaud the decision to live.

What kind of things make you feel better?

I wanted to create a list of things that make me feel better and encourage you to think about things that make you feel better.

Now I am a bipolar who stays home mostly. No, I do not have children at this time, though I have a Pug on my lap right now, and am monitoring a very active puppy Pug, as she likes to chew on things, get into things, etc.

I have learned to reduce stress after having been in situations that caused me harm. Years ago, I spent a lonnng time in a mental hospital dealing with my illness. I have been in the mental hospital before that too, with my original diagnoses at age 16. I have worked since I was 15 1/2, that's 20 years of working experience. I have a degree in English from a very accredited university. I gave up my position at a newspaper several years ago because of my own mental stress. I feel like I am writing my bio, once again.

I say all this, because it doesn't matter if you are a working person, Mom (which is always a working person, I know), not working person, etc. - whoever you are - you are likely to experience a depression, at least, some time in your adult life. If you don't, someone close to you will experience something akin to it, or another Mental Illness. (These have been statistical facts that I read from NIMH or Somewhere).

This is not a bad word, or phrase, (Mental Illness) it is a medical condition, and nothing to be ashamed of, but I should talk because it's hard to live with, I don't care what anyone says. But, just like cardiac conditions, diabetes, and other chronic conditons, depression and it's icky 'friend' bipolar (having the lows of depression AND the highs and in betweens of mania) really can kill you, and need to be taken seriously.

Since I am at home, and it took me a long time to come close to accepting this arrangement, and I still get unhappy with it sometimes, I must create my own structure. And I am Still doing that. For people just getting out of the hospital (mental or otherwise), for people retiring or going on disability, maybe you relate to this more. Or, as a Mom that is changing from a working in the 'real world' schedule to the enormous duties and responsibilities of taking caring of Baby (see, I'm no dummy, and I have empathy) you may make a change in your life, a different schedule if you will, but You matter just as much as when you were a 'player' in the world's games.

So without further ado, the list of what makes me happy. If you're a blog friend feel free to write your own list. If you would like to comment with your own list feel free!

Stuff that makes me feel better:
The Pugs first thing in the morning, and at different times my cat: Mia, my little baby Pug loves to greet me as soon as I'm up. All of the animals like to converge in the office and be here together, especially before LUNCH time where they can bother me and give me those Beggin' eyes. After LUNCH, it's okay to go upstairs and sit on their favorite chair, well at least for 5-year-old Emma Pug. Mia still likes to be in Every room that Mommy is in.

Crafts, and thinkings about my crafts. I say that because while I have a ton of crafts that I could do, I honestly don't get a lot done. But things under this category are:
Wishing I could rove, or make my own yarn (as I have a whole box of roving to work with, and a hand spinner - but no real idea how to use it! And no teacher, Wanh!)
Craft painting - I have attempted Donna Dewberry craft painting, which was very fun, but labor intensive in terms of clean up and keeping every thing from getting painted on. But fun, did I mention Fun!:)
I know there are more crafts, Oh! like Scrapbooking! I really like scrapbooking! And uploading Pictures and working with them.
And so many more!

Exercise definitely makes me Feel better but I don't get much of it. When I do, it's obvious it affects my mood positively. Other times I just Think about exercising, and how to fit it into my day and get some more structure going. Just being honest.:)

I like to blog and comment.

I like to write cards to my friends. Yes, I have real life friends, people to thank, people to send the Love to. That is fun and makes me feel like I have Done something.

Sometimes I have very little energy and the slightest thing like taking a shower and cleaning up is wonderful. I know that makes me feel better, and I bet some people can relate to that one.

I mentioned reading the book on scrapbooking a couple of posts ago. Actually, that is a big deal because other than reading on the internet, I wasn't reading up until starting on the ol' Creative Memories book on scrapbooking! Well, I will be reading the Bible with Tracy soon, and that will give me some structure too, you better believe it, in more ways than one. Looking forward to that, my friend!

I love to read my 'People' magazine as well. I know its not the uplift and good Book kind of reading, but I read it cover to cover and enjoy it thoroughly, usually, depending on my mood. There have been times when the 'People' languished in a box somewhere and when I was in a 'People' reading mood I have gone through it quickly. But it is a love of mine.

One of my absolutely favorite shows on the Tele is 'Clean House.' Niecy Nash and her friends go to a different cluttered house in each episode, talk to the people and try to address 'issues,' sort and sell the clutter at a yard sale, and use that money to make the cluttered rooms Fabulous. It is sooooooo fun to watch! Utterly addictive, I can watch old episodes, I can't wait for the new, I love nearly everything about it, and I wish they had a channel of it, 24-7. Seriously.

That show comes on the Style network on cable. I like many of the shows on Style network, actually. But I am always checking it to see if my fav, 'Clean House,' is on.

I also love any episodes of 'Jon & Kate Plus Eight,' the TLC cable show about two parents, who had twins and then...a set of six babies all at once (sixtuplets?). It's fascinating to me.

They just had an episode where they went on a ski trip with all the kids, plus helpers in tow, and had a great time. Kate is like me, doesn't like snow so much and loves staying at home doing the laundry with the four kids who didn't like snow either (that was a light day for her, just four kids!), while Jon, the Dad, and Cara, one of the twins, had a great time on the slopes!

I love 'Will & Grace' reruns, I'll stop for a 'Friends' rerun, or a 'Seinfeld' rerun, too. As a matter of fact, I often love a show when its finally over for some weird reason. Maybe because they are classics, I don't know.

Well, the Pugs are bugging me for LUNCH. They have amped up their activities and the bugging and it IS time to feed them, so I'll leave my list at this. Feel free to write your own list. It's fun, it's positive, it has a certain 'Cheering Up' factor, may I say so myself.:)