I think of the plunge it takes and the bravery it takes to leave your family and willingly do and go where the U.S. government tells you. To those that serve, those that leave families at home - God bless you.
Friday, May 22, 2009
So I sobbed to a friend and saw my County therapist today and in general (which seems like my new phrase!) I feel a little better.
Bipolar is a really sucky disease. My counselor says it seems that only recently have I been coming more to terms with it, whereas before I had some senses of denial. During my times of denial, when I refused to see how bad it was, which still happens, I am able to soar more in the world, complete college, work, that kind of thing. Now that I've had time to be alone and think about it, it is like going through stages of grief to realize what we are dealing with.
I have been upset, I think, because I wish I knew what to do with my life, like it's ever that easy for anybody to figure out. But more and more I am realizing what the illness does, that it does take away, and Honey, it hurts.
Today I will try to focus on what it does not take away. Today I will try to think of the things, the blessings, that I have. I will wipe away the tears I cry as I type that, and go on.
I am thankful that my brother in law is okay. He was hit by a car on Saturday, May 16, as a pedestrian, and suffered a broken upper left arm (he is right-handed) and a crushed shoulder joint (broken in eight places).
He now has steel pins in his arm, a reconstructed shoulder and a foot-long scar. He is so lucky he was not hurt more. Thank you God, for protecting my sweet brother-in-law.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I thought about deleting the last post, because I thought people would take it wrong, but then I decided no, I felt it last night so leave it.
I realize there was not much triggering about it, I decided to hold back on what I was thinking about some things. Annnnd I still am. Because I never speak in real life because people always take it wrong and I don't want to over explain myself in print too.
First of all, I am pissed about American Idol. Adam Lambert can sing better than Kris Kringle. Period. Why didn't he win? I am wondering if it is because he is gay. What the?
I can't wait for him to make a CD. I haven't bought music in a loong time, but I will buy that. I am also considering boycotting Idol in the future. What a joke it is.
Additionally, on an entirely different topic, I am pissed and feeling very low in general. Certain things from the baking thing bother me. Long story not getting into right now.
As in I thought about (pOSSIBLE TRIGGER) offing myself. But instead I ate some chocolate, took a clonapin (not in that order) and am now typing.
I will regret all of it (the typing) except that I will breathe for another day tomarraw. For those of you not aware, I do know how to spell - I was speaking of the day after tonight known as to-mor-row.
I went to my baking thing and was all alone with the founder who I greatly admire in heneral (that's Spanish for in general). If this is creativity, shoot me.
We talked of many things. But I ended up feeling sad today as I thought of it. I felt very left out of her schizophrenic world, one in which she finds there are so many others having the same symptoms as she.
I don't feel like I know a kinship of bipolars, or get to talk with anyone hardly except my emotionally verklempt husband for 10 minutes while we snarf down dinner and then he goes comatose on the couch, never to be heard from again. Not to mention he's the only human being I see all day. It's very weird. I might as well live in a burkha.
I married someone who doesn't laugh, doesn't speak much, but is real sweet. He's not mean to me, he is kind and says that he loves me (I'm about being truthful, not skewering the guy) but except for the emergencies he's not getting involved, know what I'm sayin'? Even then I would have to be holding a weapon in my hand or worse, shake him from deep sleep telling him I believe it's Armageddon again (That's worse than having a weapon only because that would be waking him up). You get the picture.
Anyhoo, said founder of bakery thing, who is also quite sweet (and naive, really, but that is another thing) and is a go-getter, I've said so in the past, works really hard, has a husband and child, goes to school, and apparently to her chagrin, takes medicine.
Probably not realizing how much this medicine makes it possible for all of the above to occur. Just an observation.
Then founder says she would like to be off medicine someday.
What is with people being afraid to take medicine? I am getting too tired tonight to write the scathing pissed off feelings that I feel about it.
I've paid a price a large exhorbitant price to learn that I've got to be on the stuff in order to be in this reality. Period. Six months in a state hospital NOT being a criminal but merely a mortal with an illness gives me the right to state this. I've been in remission for 15 years and I am still brought to tears if I talk about what happened then. And when I say remission, I mean psychotic episodes not the rest of the illness which is blunted greatly by tons of medication but STILL raises its ugly head enough to not let me live a normal life.
The anger courses through me. I have no one to talk to about it. So I send it out on the internet winds.
Why am I angry? Because so many times I have pulled myself up by my bootstraps, come back stronger from a 'fall' or at least survived the unfathomable and have no one to talk to about it. So now I pathetically write it on my blog.
I had another dream about smoking last night. It was a choice between a long lovely menthol or a long regular cigarette. In the dream, I chose the regular because I was concerned about ripping my lungs with the menthol (I smoked mostly menthols for 10 years in real life). Amazing. Worried about my health in a dream like that.
Plenty of real nightmares lately too. Won't go into it. Doesn't make you much want to sleep does it? Well, the 'dream cigarettes' make it nicer.
I wake up at 4 a.m. after a particularly messed up dream and can't sleep. It doesn't help that the next door neighbor's dog bays, howls, barks at 5:30 a.m on. Then my Emma dog starts in and then you are no longer compatible with the nice person that everyone thinks (I) am. You just want to yell.
But husband is sleeping. And its not Armageddon yet.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Do you have anyone in your life that is bordering on being a critical individual? Someone in your inner circle that probably means well but feels like is causing you ill.
Yes, I'm saying I feel at the moment I feel like I have one of those. I think it may be a little jealousy over the fact that I refuse to take on the stress of a full-time job (hey, I can't) and their job is stressful.
Just a moment ago I ached for a cigarette. I haven't smoked in a couple of years. I feel a little better now, I guess I don't need it, but I have dreams about having one. That's kind of funny isn't it.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Ah, a fresh post. A beautiful Sunday. Again, Happy Mother's Day.
I went with a friend today to check out possible new digs for her. A very nice complex and enjoyed lunch with her and hanging out and talking.
I also spent a few hours with Auctiva figuring out profiles and how to list and problem-solving. That Auctiva is really neat, because its the free site that has a constant slideshow of everything you are listing on each listing on Ebay, plus free nice templates too.
I am proud of myself because I saw it on another site and then checked it out and downloaded it myself and figured it out. That really did make me feel good. I would not let it be a mystery.
My friend and I stopped at a flea market today, which gave me the idea - what if we were to sell some of the books at a flea market? She has so many and will be moving soon, it would be nice to reduce the inventory.
She thinks this is a great idea and somehow when things involve her, she gets me moving and I actually follow through and get stuff done. Like the fundraiser we did at a dollar store, or even getting my angel pins done so I could donate and sell them for the Center. It makes me feel good to be part of something larger and I give what I can.
The Jungle is doing well. They are all healthy and have passed their respective exams by the vet. Well, Emma Pug is next for a wellness exam, to keep up with her shots, but Reese the Siamese did just fine for the Doc.
He was so manic when I brought him in, he got into every door they had and I had to pry him out from under their sink (it had doors - oh goody, he says!) and once I blocked that off he went for the doors on the wall that hides all the vet equipment.
All this between the time the tech left (after taking his temperature, How Undignified) and the doctor walked in! He does not act like this at home because it's not a new place with neat smelling stuff everywhere. He's a very smart, vocal kitty, too.
I know some people don't understand, but the Jungle are easily like kids for me.
I hope Mom's everywhere had a good day.
Friday, May 8, 2009
The things that seem to come first in my life - my animals and my mental illness - have kept me busy.
This week Blossom, the new Pug puppy, got spayed, got her nose roto-rootered (as my husband puts it) and her soft palate shaved off, I guess to stop any potential snoring and it's supposed to elongate their life because they can breathe better.
That was two trips to the Vet in one week, for drop off (and waiting a day - wanh!) and pick up.
Today I took my cat for his yearly, that was another trip to the 'other' doctor.
Yesterday was Mental Health Day. I sold my angel pins for Trillium Center for a tidy sum, at least I thought so, and manned the selling of the beaded necklaces, which we sold a few of.
The best parts of our Mental Health Day were regular mental health consumers coming up and talking at a podium and just being themselves and the comraderie of the mental health consumers in general. We know each other from different programs and I got to see some people that I haven't seen in a loooonng time. Everyone's a hugger practically, because damnit - we're sweet. People don't think twice about hugging long lost friends.
They gave out silver ribbon pins for spreading Brain disorder awareness, as mental illnesses are brain disorders. I also liked the suicide prevention button in the shape of a heart "I Love Life."
The Ebay thing, which is taking a considerable amount of time, is a learning experience. I have discovered Auctiva, the free site that will put up pictures of everything you're selling in each listing, which I just Know is super! I am getting the courage up to sell my Dad's books and everything I learn will just help that much more.
There was New Age music, REAL chairs WITH PILLOWS, beautiful walls with positive messages everywhere, a waterfall - I was so relaxed filling out the new patient forms that I could have fallen asleep - now that's a new one!
I was offered a bottled water while waiting. The other therapist brings her DOG to work with her, an adorable Chow Chow pup (a large fuzzball) - you can imagine how I loved that!
The T. herself seemed perfectly competent, we seemed sympatico, and I liked her just fine.
But I had to LAUGH when she started apologizing to me that I would not always be able to reach her on weekends (as she has a mountain home) as she indicated that I could email her as well - I LAUGHED because I have been with the County for 15 years nearly and I have NEVER been able to get a therapist to return a call on a weekend or in 24 hours for that matter (which apparently this T. does!) and NEVER were any of us allowed to EMAIL a therapist (!) and I have learned to be very independent and not need them for much except the monthly b*tchfest that constitutes a session with my "beloved" County T.
What a difference private insurance makes. (And the perserverance to not settle for the Mickey Mouse operation at the local mental hospital.)
I thought I was in therapist heaven. I thought all was beyond 'well.'
I get a call this past Tuesday...
The wonderful new therapist with the New Age music and beautiful walls tells me that her billing person has just realized that they DON'T take my insurance.
But that she has applied to my particular insurance and expects and answer Soon, as in a few months.
Not a problem, I think. I haven't completely cut off ties with the County T., I can stay with her until the new FABulous therapist gets her act together.
So end of that wanh wanh story. I am in wait. For I have tasted the fruits of what real private insurance can do for you! And it's unbelievable.