Every two years is the big get together with my husband's family. I really like these people. We were so shocked when most of them showed up to our wedding, at a place where all of us had to travel to, and that day was made most special because so much family was there. I will be forever grateful for the love and acceptance of the good people that they are.

So even though there is much preparation to take care of, doing stuff and a little for me emotionally, I am excited and really looking forward to going.:)

Doing stuff-wise, I wish the immediate family would send out their frickin' Christmas lists so that I had some clue what to get them. We have a small budget and I want to know what to get them. I really don't like guessing.

Somehow, I am a little put-off by this, because they asked for lists and we complied, even though that was really hard for Husband (it took him hours between snoozes and thinking very hard to come up with one:).

One thing that is very interesting about Husband's family is that they are exchangers. They openly admit that they may take your gift back to the store of origin and get something they really want, so GET A GIFT RECEIPT and include it in the gift.

This is a very weird concept for me, because in my family you got a gift which you cherished or maybe not so much, but it would kinda hurt someone's feelings if you asked for the receipt and hit the sales day after Christmas.

I guess because his family is so big it's different? I didn't grow up with that many people, and families are different everywhere. Perhaps I am not getting lists because they figure they can take back whatever I get them. Hunh.

Perhaps that is what I am finding a little rude, because I like to *think* about what I am getting people, make thoughtful, literally, decisions. To know that my decision could be so easily discarded and that I better pick a store that they can return the item to, is, somehow upsetting.

It's as though the person plots hmmm...what can I spend for the money you spent at such and such store.

Did you not notice that I took the time to pick you something out? You want the thrill of opening Something, but are going to treat it like a gift card.

I'm just sayin.'

Gifts are not everything. That is not what Christmas is about. But, I say, but I mentioned that I like some of these people a LOT, and I like to give to them. It's fun, it's loving.

Crazy me, I want them to like getting something that they wanted, too. That's why I'd like a list to help me know that I'm hitting somewhere close to the mark. In this economy, in my world, that is only fair.:)

As far as emotionally prepping for holidays, I am starting to realize that there are certain triggers for me, for my illness having a better hold on me and bringing me down.

For instance, the whole what do you do for a living thing and comparisons to others. I must fight, Fight, FIGHT against thoughts of comparisons negatively to others, as the overwhelm of so many people is already difficult for me.

Others are not doing this to me. Low-self esteem or lack of acceptance of myself for myself over the years past - and I am in my head and no one else - has been the most contributing factor to down feelings and thoughts I think when I am around large groups of people.

I am never treated like a leper or anything unkind, quite the opposite, I am very accepted for my quiet ways into husband's family and I must take that to heart.

I must also take care not be the 'energizer bunny,' to be overly manic, cause I get so thrilled and overwrought being around sooo many people. I have been through it a couple times and I am preparing myself to come through with brainwaves (emotions) that are not all over the place.

I am home cleaning today. I almost wrote I am in 'hope' cleaning today. Freudian slip. Hee hee.