Friday, November 21, 2008

I'm not lazy; I'm just medicated!!:)

This phrase came to mind this morning when considering another night of bouncing back and forth between taking Seroquel, in an effort to get off of it. Last night was a no-take it night.

I ended up not going to bed until 4 a.m. (watching 'Citizen Kane' in the meantime - "ROSEBUD!!" - and cross-stitching till the wee hours) and then still getting up at 8 a.m. and here I am still up, and not wanting to go back to sleep. Yaay, me!!

I say 'Yaay, me!!' but what is clear is that I am a creature of chemicals, whether my own or the medication (and I admit that this contributed to some of my meltdowns yesterday - what an emotional, moody day that was for a while, as I became angry and sad all at once after these realizations. I took a break from blogging about surviving Seroquel for a day to see if I would in fact survive!:).

Meaning: I am so affected by a little 'ol pill. If not affected by a little 'ol pill I am left to a seemingly more natural state, which it looks like I AM CAPABLE of getting up in the morning, something that my body had completely forgotten for years at I have been medicated for years.

If not for the fact that I have had 2 hours of sleep and and am OH SO awake, I was considering getting off the Seroquel for good and not taking it anymore. It is just so awful to almost see the food cravings, to see myself unable to move in the morning or wanting to go back to bed so badly after taking it the night before that I want to be off it. At the same time, I don't want to risk mania (you heard it here, folks. As a bipolar I, mania takes me to Saturn, not a day of charging it at the mall or even within this stratosphere) by getting no sleep for days.

I help 'clean up' the big grant tonight at five, so I have something to do this evening and that usually revs me, and keeps me up late. Time will tell what will happen tomorrow - in the morning and if I get more sleep. If not, I will allow myself to have a wasted day on Sunday after taking it again. What's one wasted day, when you realize you have wasted years on this stuff?

See, I am my own pdoc half the time. I wanted so badly to call and ask what the hell to do yesterday when my mood was up, down, all around, and I was scared as to what was happening. But my Pdoc is only around on Mondays and nobody at the County answers these kind of calls. After years of dealing with Them, I knew I was on my own.

I did have moments, one moment I can remember, of feeling suicidal. But every moment was so fleeting, even that didn't last long, without much effort on my part. Thank God for the emotional ADD that occurs with this illness.

I think it's important to blog this stuff out, put it out there for other people who feel that their 'chemicals' (natural or not (the meds)) are messed up, because as bipolars, I think people relate and don't have people talking about it much.

My husband laughed when I said I was mad that a little pill could turn me upside down like this. I said, "I'm glad you can get a little chuckle out of this." He said, well don't you know, that's why you take the meds in the first place, because your chemicals are out of whack (I paraphrased it). Yes, I must be reminded that I am on Disability for a reason. I must be reminded that for all I accomplish, which seems minor, I do in fact have an illness. That is painful.

On a more positive note, I have shifted into overdrive in finishing the baby cross-stitch and in cross-stitching in general. It's something I can do, it has a neat outcome, because you can see your work and it's pretty. What more could you want from a hobby?:) And at the moment, I have the energy to work on it.

Thanks to all for listening. I hope you have a great day, a well day. I mean that.


Mike Golch said...

we all do what we can to get by each day! Hugs.

Tracy said...

I am so sorry Tart that this little ole pill has wrecked havoc on your sleep and eating. It would be great to not have to deal with those issues, if only the mania does not come back. I feel for you my friend, and am sending you big time hugsssss your way.

Love ya

Denise said...

Girl,, I speak peace to your body and mind and spirit.. I speak the peace of God that goes past anything man can do....... I speak healing to that body and I speak restful natural sleep ! Bless you girl.. You are a sweetie and I do not know much about what you go through from day to day but I know the Man that goes through it with you!

Happy Thanksgiving !

'Tart said...

I thank all my commenters - thank you so much! - and Denise thank you so much for your comment. I could feel you praying over me, and it was a beautiful and special feeling for me. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, all!!:)