Monday, June 30, 2008
I received one of the very nicest, most heart felt and loving emails today. It came from a wonderful blogger friend.:) It brought me such joy and tears that I printed it to keep it near me.:)
She reminded me of what I said from the beginning of this blog - that I hope that I can help even one person with this blog, reaching to who knows where.
I hope I can help people feel not so alone, as many of us travail in the dark half the time. I try to do this just by being me, I still tell you all my 'slob' stories, in other words express my humanity. Just be me. That's how I try to help. Sometimes, I probably give self-righteous sounding 'advice' that doesn't quite hit the mark. But I try to stay positive, which I believe in very much.:)
This friend made me remember that I do have something to say. You see, I suffer from a real chronic illness, and some people have very little sympathy for it. But I know I have it, and a lot of us have it or wonder if they have it, and would feel comforted to read the daily travails of a bipolar. As least, I think so.
I don't need sympathy exactly, but I too, like to know that I'm not alone. And I am supported by friends and family and when the sad times come, and they do (of course, and I hate sad times that I can't figure out a 'reason' for, and then I simply have to say, "Oh, that's the illness, Duh on me!"), I work through them. Sometimes, just continuing to breathe makes me a winner.
I keep to myself most of the time in the real-world, mostly because I'm just plain comfortable that way, and because sometimes when I doooo go out, like last night, it feels like I (hopefully only temporarily) lose faith in people. My computer is so much kinder. So is the telephone.
I want to give a shout out to all the Mom's out there who are dealing with this illness with their children. The mother bears who fight for their cubs, against a cruel world.
You see, I have a Mom like that, and I had a Dad like that too. Long story, and neither of my parents were perfect, but they turned out to be perfect for me, and were there (and still are) when I needed them most, like a beacon in a storm.
I don't have children and the best example I have known of a Mom handling bipolar in a child is what I've seen of my Mom. My Mom didn't want me to get involved with the 'system' she wanted to keep me safe at home, but eventually I was too sick for it to work out that way. She fought for me. When I was sick in my 20's my Dad was a huge comfort to me, like angel, and I won't forget it.
If you are searching for what to do for your child, you can talk to doctors, you can take or allow the system to take your child to facilities (and don't be afraid to do it, if its needed) you can read books at some point when its not all crisis and you have time, you can be lucky to talk to someone who's been through this, but I really believe most of all - That you must follow your heart, your insides, and do what you think is right. You must LISTEN to that voice within and try to throw away fears to not follow it, ask questions sure, but you make the decisions that you can live with. And I for one, encourage you to follow that voice within.
Inside, you KNOW what the right things might be, you need help to make the right decisions, but in the end it's the voice within that rules! Some people call it God. I do.
Trust your instincts. You should be given massive props for doing so, because it's an unimaginably difficult job. :)
I received 'props' from my Mom today for going to that 'party,' and I received it from you guys here on the blog too (thank you so much for that!:) It means so much to be supported by people, to feel love, when I somehow feel like a weird outcast around some people at that 'party', people who PRETEND to be loving, understanding people.
Or more truthfully, some people THINK they are loving or nice, but are so stunted in their growth as human beings, instead, that I can barely stand being judged by THAT!
It takes a lot of patience and boredom on my part to put up with it. And certain persons have called me names, like 'Oh, you are weird!" as though that were acceptable to say. Would "Oh, you ARE a prissy princess!" be acceptable? Why not?
In the end its just too much anger to hold onto. I've got to let it go. If the other person can't let it go, then it's their problem. But I am trying.
So, as usual, I digress, because you let me.:) I hope dear reader, that I Can be of some help to you, it's what I hope to do.:)
Alright, blogger land, let's have a good week! I wish it for all of you!
Sunday, June 29, 2008
You know when you go to one of those stuffy joints, with stuffy people and just feel uncomfortable the whole time? That's how I felt. I could barely eat, even though the food was good, but, whatever. I hated the fact that I shook while eating, but whatever. (I shake because of meds, but I notice it and feel embarrassed. So that's uncomfortable. My husband ignores it, but I don't know how much it freaks other people out.)
BUT, I went out. I went over there. I DID engage in some conversations, and listened and did not butt in on many of them! In other words, dear friends, I tried to act normal. If normal is being quiet (and acting shy) when you're not necessarily. It's like you don't want to speak because I'll be embarrassing myself, even though people talked about plenty of inappropriate-you'd-think-it-would- be- party-killers-things. It about killed me, but I was as normal as I could be. And it was brave for me. I knew I was afraid to go, I had been avoiding it all weekend and I went anyway.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
It's one of these places that have classes, lap lanes, etc. I feel quite pessimistic about just showing up and paying for a whole year for some place I haven't been to in quite a long time, so I'm pleased that they have day passes and its a nominal fee and that's what I'm prepared to pay for tomorrow.
To make it more fun, I have gone to a local sporting goods store and picked out inexpensive adjustable goggles and a spandex-type swimming cap. I don't think I can figure out how to get the latex kind on my noggin' and I've tried everything out now and they fit just fine! I look so retro 1920's, at least head wise, and I imagine I will when I put my suit on, because I think I'm going to wear the one with the skirt. (It's the first skirted suit we ever bought for me, and my family compliments me on it, which makes me think why didn't I think of hiding my thighs years ago!?:)
One of the few exercising 'regimines' that I enjoyed as a youth, or even did was Swim Team. I did it one summer, between freshman and sophomore year in high school, and never was a competitive genius (I won one heat ever in competition) and got to the point where I was so nervous to jump in during competition that I gave up competition near the end of the summer and just went to practice everyday, because I loved it. I knew something spectacular had happened after that because I could RUN in P.E. the following year.
So I'm no stranger to goggles or a lap lane, or swimming for that matter. I have my issues with breathing, believe it or not, so maybe I'll get over that. But before I let myself take a lane I'm going to do water aerobics with all the 'fat' ladies and try to have a ball and 'feel the burn.' Cause that's what it's all about.:)
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Yes, she does have a harness for the car, much like this one above. Doesn't always wear it though. And she never looks This Relaxed!:)
I am in between medications, coming down from a higher Abilify to a lower dose. I still feel a little shake in the left hand and the jaw and the legs are restless. I am able to tolerate people well, and am considering going into the community more and joining things. Considering. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.:)
Have a great weekend!
Monday, June 16, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Once again, we return to thoughts of how chemicals (pills) affect the chemicals in your brain. They, meaning the pdoc and those who see fit, find that the chemicals that they embrace for me do better for me than all these pesky side effects. After all, THEY are not experiencing them.
And that brings to mind, how utterly annoying it is to be in the throes, verily, the shackles of what those drugs do. You give me a pill, it does one thing to me. You give me a pill to counteract it, it does something else.
Only people that have to go through this only the daily f*n basis of this, as I do, do I see can understand this.
There are people told to take drugs and they won't do it. There are people, like me, that take the drugs exactly as told, at the exact times prescribed, the whole shebang, and continue to suffer.
And so we are supposed to suffer as my friend Tracy wrote in a post, but you know what? It sucks. No matter if the world would think your suffering nothing, by the way, and you consider it considerable, you DO have something in common with everyone else, but I find mine so polarizing, so unusual, so having of so few people who give a damn, have it, or have it and share it, that once again, I'm just going to put on my Wonder Woman face and say I've done a good job, pat myself on the back and probably not have anything to say on the blog for a while.
I had a nice Father's Day, getting to see my parents in law this weekend. Although I could not see my Dad (on earth again), it was nice to see my husband's dad, who is a very nice person. I think he understood it was nice for me to get to hug 'someone's' dad for the occasion.:)
I have been upped to more Atenenol, as I expected from the pdoc. This has not changed much, because I am still on Abilify and still have a left hand shake, jaw shake and anxiety.
Thanks to those of you who still check on the blog, even minus comments. I 'knows' you're there. Carry on.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I love yesterday's (I couldn't get it here in time to be yesterday's post). It's from the McCarthy era, where the jerk blacklisted tons of people in a 'witch hunt' over Communism. In a classy way, he was put in his place, as only a 1950's proper person could do:
"On June 9, 1954, Army counsel Joseph N. Welch confronted Sen.Only in the 50's could being reminded of your lack of decency put you in your place.
Joseph R. McCarthy during the Senate-Army Hearings over McCarthy's attack on a
member of Welch's law firm, Frederick G. Fisher. Said Welch: ``Have you no sense
of decency, sir? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?''"
Then today, I read about 'true divas,' the beautiful and mysterious, gorgeous Sophia Loren and Catherine Deneuve, who are having box sets of little known movies of theirs coming out soon. See here to go to the page in the NYT's talking all bits juicy about the two. I love the older, retro Hollywood, and the actresses that put it on the map.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Siamese cat pics, off the web
Have you ever wondered about my fascination with Lynda Carter, or the (I assume) Marvel character of Wonder Woman, that she played in the 70's show of that name? I was 5 when that was on TV and I LOVED her. I loved the show, I loved the character, I loved the first comic book that the tooth fairy left me (Thanks Mom!), and over the years I loved what a classy lady Ms. Carter turned out to be. She's got a lot to live up to and I think she almost supercedes her character!
This morning on Yahoo I was reminded of her fair-minded ways, doing the proper thing. And no Miss Wonder, Miss Wonder Woman, not everyone does the right things. I love you.
Again, see here.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Ticks are disgusting.
I have a photo of one that we caught about a month ago and were saving for the vet. We like to do that even though most of them are the same - with the white spot on the back. I've searched my hard drive, I can't find that very hard to see tick in a plastic bag photo. Sorry!
I've had them crawling on me, I had one trying to attach to my tummy - GROSS! We've found one on my little black pug, and I think another attached to her and now this crawling on me. So maybe that's Only five, but it feels like Waaaaaay toooo many!
I just put Frontline Plus on them both yesterday so this may be a sign that it's working! I don't want them to have ticks, but I hate them on me too. The little black pug, Mia, is ALLERGIC to flea bites (she does not Have fleas, she just is in distress when she gets one little bite) so the vet suggested deet on her tail and ears only (not face of course, precious beast). Oh the travails of summer!
(I may have to take a Clonapin, search myself again for ticks, and take a rest. This is revving me up waaay to much.)
Thursday, June 5, 2008
I am feeling even, but the left hand is shaky and I am SO RESTLESS. That's my physical update.
The restlessness makes sitting still and sleeping nearly impossible. It's not that I have all this extra energy I just have EXTRA MOVEMENT!! So sometimes I get on the 2 exercise equipment we have here at home and have at it. (a recumbent bike and an elliptical) Or I just sit/stand and move too much. We still think its the Abilify. I'm off Lithium.
I've been thinking of working again. Maybe that's a crazy thought, I don't know. I actually tried for a job for transcription but it all went down the drain when I wouldn't do 40 hours, 8 hours a day. But I thought maybe the County could do something for me again. So I think about it.
Every day I wake up, it's a chance for change. There's points in the day where I realize how lucky I am, to have (really good, as my friend puts it) food, or time to look at things, or listen to music.
And here's a good thing that's almost something to write on my Good Stuff blog (www.jungletartsgoodstuff.blogspot.com) (except that I haven't said anything about it yet)! I've started playing my clarinet again!
I don't know exactly why, except that I still can, that it's been chosen as my expressive instrument of choice but I got the chance to play with a CD on my computer with 'The Sound of Music' and for a friend and he said it sounded like I had my own personal band (and that some of the songs were made for clarinet and I did really well). So there's some positivity for my life and this blog.
Oh, and I forget about my movements and can play regardless of it! What a blessing! I praise the Lord for that! (He deserves it and you heard it here on Jungletart) I'm going to go at it, once I get off here. It's a joy for me.
Have a pleasant day in the sweet ways you can. That means 'Have a good day!' Tart