Friday, October 30, 2009

A little oasis.

I started seeing a new therapist this week.

I had actually seen my old therapist for 10 years and then one Friday three weeks ago I talked to her and she said the next week was her last week. Just like that. But for some reason I haven't grieved over that, although I think I might be mad (just trying to gauge what emotions I am having) at how lousy the County system is.

I'm getting out of the County system that I have been in for 15 years and going to use my private insurance that I now have after my marriage. It's taken their charging unbelievable amounts of money for services and being pushed out of the system to finally get me to do it. So maybe it was a good thing that she bailed on me.

So this new therapist experience is really amazing. I think I may have mentioned months ago how I was blown away by the waiting room alone (I saw her once then we had to get an insurance issue fixed, so seeing her this week was our second meeting). It's full of positive sayings, real chairs with pillows, a little waterfall, beautiful music playing and positivity oozing all over the place. So it's like walking into a little oasis off the street.

My new therapist seems very understanding of bipolar. She discussed that she feels that bipolar can be a difficult illness to treat and that for some mental disorders meds don't seem as important as they do for bipolar. That it's 60% importance of the meds, 40% talking/psychotherapy - which I agree with. As a person who has been doing this for twenty years (taking meds and do the talking therapy) I see that assessment and agree with it, for myself.

I seem to cry every time I see this woman. I think she is still trying to assess me, well I know she is, so she has to ask a lot of stirring up questions.

I cried this time having to do with why I relate to Patty Duke's 'A Brilliant Madness' so much when I was feeling my lowest (I couldn't do much more than breathe or surround myself with Pugs on the couch and then I picked up that book off my shelves and Could Not put it down. Read like 80 pages without thinking about it). I tried to tell the therapist that I cry thinking of the larger picture of bipolar, what a monster it is, then I stop crying as I tell her about the book, because someone understands so completely as they honestly recount their life going through it, leaving no detail unspared. I love Ms. Anna Michaels (Patty's real name) for it. Thank you, Anna.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Feeling down again. Since this is my blog about bipolar I thought I should say so.

Actually, it's more like feeling okay...Then feeling down again. Up. Down.

I know bipolars out there understand.:)

Monday, October 26, 2009

The Reunion and 80's Dancing was a Blast!!

I was brave and actually went to my 20th high school reunion and had a blast. The dancing was the best part, I never get to do that and have wanted to for a while, and had an utter blast. It's so funny because so many people need a drink or two to get out there and I did the whole the thing completely sober (as I do my whole life, hee hee).

Being medicated properly for my bipolar made me see things differently about high school. Who the heck cares about the old days? I know I'm okay for the future (especially compared to how I felt then - the future could sometimes seem scary, but noone knows how it will be) and I'm so thankful.

I got to see wonderful friends and yes some of those old clicks were there, and yes there were some people that wouldn't even talk to me (!) but some that I was shocked Did actually talk to me. None of that high school stuff matters now, for Real!

All that dancing made me actually exercise on Saturday. So today I actually wanted to continue it, and I actually got on my elliptical. For 11 minutes. Then I was getting worried about my little pug being outside (one of my anxieties) and the phone rang, both giving me good reason to get off. But I might do 10 minutes more today. Let's see if I can keep up with it.

Another thing that made me think exercise might work today is seeing one particular person who had changed the most from high school. She just looked so different, and yes she had lost weight and looked gorgeous, but she was still the sweet kind girl I remember, actually nicer really. I thought hunh, I've got at least 5 more years to shock the heck out of the next class reunion, AS IF I care, but it would be fun to work on it, just for me.

It wouldn't have really mattered if I had gone to the reunion, but I'm glad for my own personal self, because I didn't let something that I was a little afraid of turn me away. I had courage in face of the monster and showed up anyway. Love thyself.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Good day.

Had a good day. My friend is here. I made a batch of Hot & Sour soup for her. She liked it okay, except for the mushrooms. It made a nice lunch.

I did our nails and we got to talk a lot. It was a nice day.

Emma's eye is healing and she gets hopefully her last vet check for a while on Wednesday. It really was nasty for a while but is doing better because of the drops we've putting in.

I wish happiness for my blogger friends.:)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Welcome Autumn.

Berries Delight, Golden Yello Mountain Ash, Webshots.

Welcome autumn.

Autumn is not usually a good time for me. I'm definitely a Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) kind of gal, the deeper we get into Winter especially. But I am keeping very busy these days, and have some things to look forward to:
1: I am making a sweet potato pie and rich chocolate cheesecake for Thanksgiving.
2: I am thinking of have a 'Winter Blues' party at some point. I wish my house could handle lots of people, and do decorations and things like that. Maybe I'll convince the Drop-In to have one. Hmmmm....
3: I am working a cross-stitch for my MIL. I need to work on it more but I'd like to have it done for Christmas.

I mentioned my class reunion. I'm so looking forward to my friend coming up. I just baked a cake for her. I will cool it overnight and frost it tomorrow. It feels good to think of something and actually accomplish it.

Wishing everyone health and loving yourselves during this autumn time. It can be very beautiful.

My Life Lately.

I took Emma-dog for yet another vet visit, and thank the Lord, she is healing. We are giving her drops every 4 hours, including getting up at 2 a.m. and 6:30 a.m. every morning to continue the drops which is to say the least...tiring. But it's working.

I got my hair done today. I had not gotten it done in eight months. It feels nice to have it done. I was getting some salt and pepper gray, about 4 inches so I'm all colored up now.:)

I am going to my high school reunion!! 20 years. It does not bother me how long it is. I wouldn't have cared about it, and almost didn't go, except for Facebook. A very good friend of mine is coming up and we will all be coming to the reunion together.

I've been busy with a couple of shifts at the Drop-In Center a week and keeping up with appointments.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Emma's eye situation is very serious.

Emma, my oldest Pug (age 6), had eye surgery last Friday. Today she went into the vet to have a stitch taken out. She is back home. Emma-dog has a corneal ulcer and it is very serious. Someone very kind at the vet donated opthamalgic drops to us for use on Emma. It is really very kind of them because they are expensive drops. We have to give them to her every four hours, even getting up in the middle of the night to do so. It is an attempt to save her eye.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Antibiotics rock!

It has been a good day. I got several things done. It may be because I am on anti-biotics. Regardless, I got a lot done!:)

I woke up early and stayed up all day. I made my Hot & Sour soup, a comfort food for me and feels like accomplishing something by making a good batch of it.

I went grocery shopping and stayed almost completely on list and had a small bill. (I found yogurts for 45 cents, that helped). I had even gone on line at Peapod to find out how much stuff would be before I got there so I would know my general bill.

Then, on to the Drop-In Center to meet our Director and we went out to the Swedish furniture store, Ikea, and she shopped and I had fun being there. She got pictures and frames. I saw star lights that would look great here at the house. Then we went back to her place and put the pictures into the frames and put them on the wall. I didn't buy a thing. It was just fun to look.

After that, came home to make dinner. Tacos! I used my very small food processor for the first time (I've had the thing for four years!). I food processed lettuce into tiny slivers, and a few grape tomatos into cut up tomatos that looked like salsa. It was homemade. Husband said it was better than Taco Bell.

We were doing the bills last night, and money is tight. I went to the kitchen and looked in the fridge and pantry and came up possible dinners just with what we have, not having to buy stuff. That made me feel more in control. It is a lovely feeling (even if it is fleeting:). I am worrying less about the finances and putting it into God's hands. I feel that he gets us through somehow and He will lead us through this.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Please think good thoughts for Emma-Pug.

I have not mentioned our recent saga with Emma-Pug's eye. We are pretty sure that Blossom, our nine-month-old Pug accidentally scratched Emma's eye. It is a bad scratch. Emma is 6-years-old. I have been dutifully taking her to the vet to check on it for the last four weeks. I thought it was getting better.

This morning I took Emma for her eye check and my wonderful vet, who I know I can trust, said it was not getting better as a matter of fact, Emma needs eye surgery, NOW. Today. This was at 11 am today and I had to hand over my Baby and they are performing surgery today and we are to pick her up this afternoon/evening.

It is now 3:32 p.m. and I have not heard if Emma has woken up from anesthesia. I admit that I am worried.

I felt so bad that this happened in the first place because Emma is such a sweet girl and does not deserve this (well no dog does). It was an accident and we have been keeping Emma and Blossom apart, trying to feed them apart, let them outside apart.

Dear Blogland, please send good thoughts out that Sweet Emma will have a successful surgery, that she will heal up lickety split and that all will be well. Thank you.

***PS It is now 9pm and Emma is home with us with an Elizabethan collar (a little vinyl one, she looks like a morning glory:). She has one stitch that will be taken out on Wednesday. This is an important time for her healing. I keep praying for her recovery from this awful eye thing.***

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I'm a Polar Bear!!

Polar Bears, Webshots
I went away for the weekend to the beach! I went with the staff people at work, there were 15 of us at a beach house and we had a blast! It was fabulous! We were just two blocks away from the beach, and I did go and just get in a little. Then I decided if I could stick my feet in the water I could get in the pool. Ice cubes!!! But I did it. I swam in a pool that was freeeezing!!

The trip was entirely paid for by the Center, gas to get down there, food (of which there was lots, and what we didn't eat we gave to the Center when we got back), the house - everything. I thanked our Director and she said part of the it was so that mentally ill people could see that they were worth it - worth spending the money on.

Oh! And it was Team Building as well, which we did four hours total and had an incredible time doing it. Truth, truth, lie - where you had to tell two two truths and a lie and everybody guesses which is the lie - you learn so much about everyone!

Or one team building was breaking up into five groups of three and coming up with a Team Building exercise - someone brilliant came up with the idea of a human machine, where each person adds onto the next doing something nuts, until all 15 people are in a circle making massive amounts of noise. It should have been taped for YouTube. Well, we had a blast looking silly and that was Great!

My medicine is working well to bring me back to health, except for the massive eating that occurs at night with the Seroquel. So, I saw the p-doc today and I said (advocating for myself!:):) it should be lowered a little and we are doing that. Hope it works!

I started working another shift this week with the Drop-In Center, (for a total of two shifts which will Not P.O. S.S. (make Social Security mad:):) and the baking thing is over for me. But not the lessons learned.
We recently made sweet potato pie and I can't wait to make that for Thanksgiving or even Christmas and bring it to my in-laws. The one I made in class was from canned yams and it was dee-licious. Truth: I had not remembered trying sweet potato pie before - that stuff is good!!