Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Hello Blog Friends

I've been a bit buttery - slippery in person, criey sometimes.

I'm going to have to give up the phentermine. It really is terrible stuff, at least for me, and I'll tell you why. As a bipolar I am so glad to say that it didn't make me go psychotic, because I stopped it. Yes, from the worst aspect in mood problems, this stuff was taking me there.

But of course, being the person who never wishes to give up, after a couple days off the drug I thought I was wrong and thought that it wouldn't hurt to go back on it. I had never lost so much weight for no reason before and how would I ever do it on my own? So I decided to try it again.

I am crying because I still feel so weak physically and mentally. I took that amphetamine (I mean phentermine) this morning and it will be the last time I ever do. I'm looking forward to stop shaking all the time, and I'm looking forward to having back my mind. Not feeling sad all the time.

So, I have felt sad a lot. And guilty a lot. Which I recognize as depression (is that a big duh or what! That's all I am these days, its seems silly to actually pinpoint it). I'm still so sad about my Dad. I hope in a few more days I will 'clear' a little as I literally have to get a drug out of my system, one that worsened sad feelings, I'm sure of it. I don't think I'm going to be healed when it's out because there's the panic I feel inside so much now. This is new for me, I'm learning to deal with it. I don't know what that's all about. It's scary. What the heck is panic or a enormous feeling of unease? Maybe that will go away too. I hope so. :)

Isn't it rotten how easily it is for me to forget how 'I was' just a little while ago? It must be a bipolar thing to forget so easily, one side of insanity or the other. Perhaps it makes it hurt less, either way. Joy that seems so fleeting, and sadness that is either so powerful that won't let go, surely Spring did not occur at all. It's Pain. Wouldn't you rather forget it all? Oh, except Spring did happen (you kind of recall, but it didn't last long anyway), so you're hanging on for that again.

Wow! To hang on, is that a fool or courageous individual? Give up entirely: you're dead, Stay on: You're here, still. Waiting to take on the next round. That IS courageous and we need to help each other to hold on.

I took my evening meds and I'm super tired and out of it. I probably should edit this better or take out something goofy but I'm putting it out there for the people that have wondered about me. This one's for you.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007


A couple people expressed interest in my life (thank you guys for checking my 'pulse').

Basically, depressed. Your typical spend too much time in bed, dishes and clutter everywhere, if I go out it is a minor miracle, no friends, the computer and TV are now my best friends, not too sure the last date I took a shower and am not concerned. I don't make dinner and I don't feel guilty about it.

So, I do have a pulse and I am what they consider 'alive.' So worry not.

I 'think' this is because my Dad died and I think about it a lot. Also, the fact that I have no job and just can't decide if I really want one and if so WHAT I should do. It is utterly amazing that someone who has a college degree and has worked ALL their life, including a year and a half ago could just let themselves get this out of touch with everything. At this time, the depressive of this illness says 'Darling its just not going to get better this time.' If I were to have a surge of energy I would not know where to direct it. This not just a matter of no get up and go, but no gas and no direction.

In other words, I think this is a bad one and I really don't know what else to say.

I've read the stuff on Raine's blog. No matter what, Raine, I do believe you are bipolar and I do relate to feeling I can't work, even though I thought I could work, but now I know I can't work. I understand 'but I pull off normal so well' but 'no, no, I'm really not.' And yeah that USDA meat working sure sounded like a lot more money than 'Oo, got my gov't check today.' And you know what Raine? IT SUCKS!! It sucks, sucks, sucks. I will not lie to you, my Darling. I never do. I know people wish I would, but at least I've got my integrity. Nobody wants it, but I've got it!!

I'm hanging on. I have no plans to off myself. I am just hanging around and the only person I ever talk to is my Husband. He hates it and confuses me because I think he would prefer I did not speak to him but if you ask him, he denies it. I am waiting to see if it will get better, but I am not holding my breath. I don't recall depression being so depressive so if I get through this one it really will be one for the books.

Friday, July 20, 2007

I am sick. Told you so.

Turns out things like diarrhea and a temperature (I may have failed to mention this) is not normal and the Doc believes, nothing to do with my beloved diet pill either. They think I have a virus but I submitted myself to testing (blood work) to rule out something that antibiotics could help with. This has been coming for a bit, as I broke out in an all night sweat during 'vacation.' I also mentioned that I wasn't feeling well, after my return, but I just couldn't put a finger on it. I finally went to the doctor today after feeling kinda faint, hot, and the bizarre diarrhea.

My mother has told me countless times that for some inexplicable reason I would be beyond difficult to live with, and just about the time she was ready to wring my neck, I would clearly come down with some ailment, some sickness. Apparently I have not changed, as I would submit exhibit 'all those nasty posts below.' It's not that I feel better I just realize that besides my usual explosive anger, I just let rotten loose, with no care, frankly so unlike me. More than you wanted to know about me and my virus, I'm sure. I am expected to live and perhaps even evolve into a better person. But don't count on it.

Fantastic Pug site!!!!!!

http://arlissthepug.blogspot.com/ or Arliss the Pug! Tons of pictures of Arliss and his friends. There's nothing sweeter than a Pug. I believe many a soul has been saved by the love of a Pug. You must check this out!

Reading: Good for you? Perrrrhaps.

I’m more excited about the movie ‘Hairspray’ coming out than the last Harry Potter book. To be honest (am I ever anything other?) I haven’t read a book since graduating from college in 2003. I didn’t really think about it, but I guess I have had my fill. I found out last year that I had to get new glasses because my eyesight IMPROVED 3 entire notches. I had never heard of such a thing, but my optometrist assured me he’s seen it before. Anyway, I’ve done my fair share of reading of books in the past, I now read on the Internet all the time, but who knew it wasn’t the same.

I respect J.K. Rowling’s personal story, a lovely rags to riches story for her as a writer. But if it weren’t that they keep making her books into movies, I wouldn’t know what happens because I have not, and probably will never, crack the book open. It really doesn’t interest me, I don’t see getting attached, it’s just not my bag (baby).

I read voraciously as a child. Age 11 and up I could not get enough of books. Most favorite of all was the Laura Ingalls Wilder books for two distinct reasons: I loved the Victorian age, 1890’s era and she is so descriptive, I am sure her work was the fire for my passion for non-fiction. The books were better than the television show, and yes in real life she had a sister named Mary who had gone blind. Her passion for description, and ease in writing with lots of it are clearly from describing the world to her sister. And the thought that even though they were all dead and gone by the time I discovered her was an amazing feeling, as I thought to myself ‘That’s what a book can do.’ Provide immortality, plain and simple.

Failing mental checkup

It’s hard for me to admit that I am doing really sucky these days. It’s a real lowy-low. Having lost my father is something that is on my mind all the time, and Mom has decided to go cross-country. So that’s it – it really feels like the parental units are gone. I have no friends to speak of except one who is hours away and very busy. But I am coming to understand the worst part is having nothing to do, certainly no identity or job description to claim. Now I need naps, I try to hide myself indoors, and even Spark People is becoming ‘no joy’ as I got so twisted up in that one thread and now feel further upset because I wrote a ‘Spark Mail’ letter to someone, and am hurt that I have received no reply. I want to quit SP, and I swear it’s already happening, I am quitting life.

In my last posts I wrote the angriest, vilest things swirling around in my mind. I think it’s because I just don’t care, there is no one anymore to say anything about it or stop me. A complete test of boundaries, mine or or the reader’s I don’t know. These are days of hanging by a thread. The most ‘getting done’ of anything for me is writing and then sending it to the Internet winds. If nothing else, it proves to me that I can still type.

I have no idea of what ‘stage of grief’ I am in. I don’t want to take anymore ‘vacations,’ I don’t want to go anywhere else. Not because I love my home but because all the going of somewhere’s have been for hellish reasons. I can’t believe that I could hold it together to speak at my Dad’s service, I guess I felt it necessary since, as usual, things were done differently, with no Pastor. I just feel like I’ve put up with so much, and can’t take anymore. I have reached the ‘keep breathing’ stage where daily success is measured in the fact that I am still here on Earth, not in an insane asylum, not in jail, and uninjured. We’re just so proud.

Phentermine update

I know some of you are very interested in how my first time with a diet pill is going. I have lost 11 pounds in 30 days. So go beg your Doc for it, if you like. My side effects include dry mouth, nasty tasting mouth, cry jags and a general low in mood, panic about the state of my life, jitteriness, some occasional hand tremble, my eyes feel dry (never listed as a side effect, yet it showed up while taking the diet pill). I don’t feel the heart palpitations (but that is because I have no heart), dizziness, or high blood pressure nor have I gone into a coma, all possible ‘big time’ side effects I learned not from my Dr., but from the Internet.

My assessment: It’s all frickin’ worth it as in the last 11 years (mind you with a total of 20 years) taking meds I have never been able to lose weight like this and I haven’t even started a ‘diet’ or any working out. This is a ‘baby Hell’ as far as I am concerned. I asked for this and I’m pleased with the results, knowing anything you ever want is never easy, not even taking a pill for weight loss. That is all.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Today's Headlines 7-17-07

The lowdown on the hodown on today's hot topics. I used to work for a newspaper. Now I use it to do crafts on.

They’re talking about not stripping Miss New Jersey of her crown because of racy pics. Have they just given in? If any other Miss America has ever been stripped of crown for these reasons, why are they just saying ‘fuget about it’ now? Ms. Williams, the first black Miss America ought to be seething cause that’s how they got rid of her and Everyone acted like it was the End of the World. Just because today’s youts are a bunch of sluts is no reason to forget the standards.

Today: '90 more people killed in Iraq bombings.' Last week: Bush says 'War Worth It.' Really? Just how is it worth an ave.100 dead per day? You know, there’s people around today that won’t be tomorrow, that thought blows me away. What blows me away even more is over 3,500 American boys are already dead and nobody’s marching in the streets over this. The Harris Poll says only ¼ of Americans support Bush at this point. So does this mean that the other ¾ are sleeping, or is that all illegal immigrants?

'Intelligence says: Al Quaida will most likely attack.' Oh well, do you think? This revelation is to stop the after-attack bitching of ‘You didn’t tell us this would happen.’ It’s usefulness pretty much stops there, since we don’t what’s going to happen. Well, all you canners and emergency paraphernalia securers better get on it, that’s all I have to say. Personally, destroying the Internet would be enough to make me cry daily, but you didn’t hear it from me.

Well, this was fun. We should do it more often.
:) Tart

Art Therapy: A Photo Representation of Bipolar

A mood: Pisser anger. I get this one a lot.

Lush flow of Happy Brain electrons. Moving fast and on a roll.

Psychotic, a photo representation.

Happy-go-lucky cart of flowers. Sweet stability in bipolar land.

A dry spell (of creativity or happiness?) A landscape, polar opposite to the waterfall.

Photos courtesy of Webshots

Sunday, July 15, 2007

My Favorite Subject

Warning: This is angry, vile, and about as honest as can be. Delicate sensibilities: You've been warned.

Here we go again, somehow I got pricked again, having to listen to people whine about how hard their life is, and how unfair bipolar is, and unfair it is that they should have to take meds, ‘cause it makes them fat and makes them not be able to have babies.

That is IT! I am just so pissed that there are so many who endure NOTHING, and yet can withstand NOTHING. You are a discredit to our illness. I mean that I have been convinced over time that this hell was not given to the weak, you must have some frickin fortitude and a few other things to live with this illness. But now it turns out IT’s TOO HARD, Wanh, WANH, WANH!!!!!!

Look Bitches, you wanna go off your meds? And have the gazpatches to tell us your sad little stories, your mood swings, how it’s all unfair? I hope that you have fantastic insurance because the mental hospitals are full of dumb bitches like you who had to get back on some meds. I just want to know how many times of this does it take to make you realize you have an illness and got ta take something for it?

Or the other thought that occurs is you really don’t suffer from anything. Oh, I know, they gave you a diagnosis, Bipolar II or something wasn’t it? Clearly, this IS a bogus designation. I am starting to think that if its so damn fun to go up, and ride it and its such frickin FUN – Why the hell should anyone be treating you for anything? Why and WHAT are you whining about when its just your hormones a little askew?

You will not find any sympathy from me. I’m Bipolar I and I suffered for my diagnosis and to get on the right meds. I don’t understand these problems because I went PSYCHOTIC for my illness. Nope, not getting it. I think you Bitches are a waste of time, I don’t think you should be in the same team as me. You need the Baby Team, as in gotta be babied, need to find a wetnurse to whine on. I have never seen such stupidity, such utter inability to see where it goes when you don’t take care of yourself. Or as I said, just plain vapidity, you need a goddamn spanking and a nice piece of duct tape to stop sharing your non existent goddamn problems.

And that’s what I’d really like to say on SparkPeople to the dumbass bitch who’s going off her meds and wants us to support her. Support my middle finger, bitch.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

IED: Intermittant Explosive Disorder

Found an article on MSN on IED: Intermittant Explosive Disorder. Yes, it appears if you blow up or have tantrums more than a few times a week you may have this disorder. If you flip out and scream at people whilst just a few moments before acting mild manner you definitely got some 'splainin' to do. And if you find yourself losing relationships, working at lower rates of pay than others of your same education, and just feeling isolated while being said asshole, well you should just be shot. That's coming from a woman who could not possibly having anger issues herself, as IED is soooo rare amongst women, so say these disorder classifying researchers. HAHA! An extra dose of that wonderful anticonvulsant Depakote should fix your angry little ass! And I just take a buttload of it cause they said I was bipolar, silly me.

Yes, back from 'vacation.' I did mention 'vacation' was a week a half at the 'ol inlaws house? Hello people, I don't understand why its so much more fun for Husband to hang out with Grandma, while I get analyzed for my cooking skills and pleasing my Man by making him coffee. What the? It was only 3/4 of the way home I thought I should have said, 'Honey, I please my Man, alright, and it has NUTHin to do with coffee.' Instead, that was the straw that broke this camel's back and I was DONE playing house, savvy? This intermittantly explosive individual should be lauded as Grandma is still alive/inlaws none the wiser. :)

It was a 15 hour ride, a significant portion through Ohio and Pennsylvania. If you live in either state, maybe you can let me know why it is Ohio has huge open spaces with an average speed limit of 50, (sure people speed going 70 while I am biting my lip to be 'good' and slow, damn you Ohioers.) It's no surprise that it feels like the longest state on our trip - have you seen it on the map? It's one of skinniest looking states - UNbelievable! Pennsylvania has the most fckd up roads I have ever seen (and its a toll road, mind you, where they have the nerve to ask me for money after driving it!), crazy, winding roads with a speed limit of 65. Most people can go 5 legally over the speed limit, so we're talking 70 miles an hour on crazy roads. What's wrong with you people? So I know you're just so glad to see me back, alive and at the keyboard after surviving a trip (and roads!) like that!

To top it off, I feel funky. Sure, I went a whole time zone away, always a bad thing for a bipolar. Sure, I felt like I was on display, whether for my bedmaking skills, scrambling egg skills, wash dishes a-bil-lity, cleaning - Hell, I don't do any of that stuff here! No wonder I felt like some female minion - what a bunch of crap that was. My therapy now, apparently, is eating out and watching movies. Well, thank God, life getting normal again.

Oh! And thank God I don't have kids. We went to go see my neice play softball and I realized that if I had to endure that repeatedly I would have to always bring my mp3 player with me. Or there would be one dead bitch, take your pick. I say this because we are just sitting there, on bleachers, and some 'lady' FROM THE OTHER SIDE (team) is sitting there HOLLERIN' to her child and various members of the team. I swear to God that I heard that in MY state that sort of shenanigans is now outlawed. You see, you don't have to be a child psychologist to see that its detrimental to other kids to have some dumbass mother screaming crap, not to mention I just wanted to turn around and fck her up. And it wasn't even my kid, my state, or my lame softball team in the middle of a pathetic cornfield. I HATE women like that! It's like who let in the white trash? Who?Who?

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Gonna be Gone Again!!

I know it's difficult to fathom, but I am going on Vacaaation! It's a trip with Husband to see his lovely family,and I will be traveling to another state, in the car, for a looong period of time - non stop - with Pug in tow. So posting may stop for a bit, but I'll be back!!

I'm putting a 'patriotic pic' up because its the 4th of July. Some people get excited by the fireworks, when you get a little older you unfortunately start thinking politics. I am glad to celebrate the freedom of my country from the British and enjoy the lighthearted side of things. But people are dying, just to proudly uphold the flag and thank God its still here to uphold. So, I think it is a bittersweet holiday.


Chill on the fireworks people! - cause my dog does not understand we are NOT being invaded! EVERY time one goes off. Sheesh!

See you soon!

5 Things the Tart Digs About Jesus

Mysti asked me to do a meme on 5 things I dig about Jesus. I don’t know how much it will shock and amaze readers that I do very much ‘Dig’ Jesus. Normally, of course, as a ranter extraordinaire, I don’t share those thoughts, but now that I have been asked, I will be glad to do so.

5 Things I Dig about Jesus:

1) He glows. Jesus is part man and part divine and His personage emanates light. You could say He emanates love. It’s a physicality like other godly creatures: angels and whatnot.
2) Jesus is completely fair. He asks that you (a person) ‘don’t judge.’ I believe that is nearly impossible in this world, that’s why He pushes it; that and ‘Love One Another.’ Whoa, what a doozy that is! Its difficult to do what Jesus asks but aint that just life! Oh, and don’t you worry about that judging, cause he’ll take care of that too! Everyone gets a Final Judgement, I understand, and He’s already been appointed as a key Judge. (He’s kind of a combo of Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul. So you've got nothing to worry about. :) (!)
3) He knows the things of your heart. You cannot hide anything from Him, so don’t bother. He knows what you’re thinking, all of it. I’m not talking Santa here. When someone knows you that well, that’s a Friend. And a divine one too!
4) Besides His duties that encompass the world, including being an undeniable historical figure (the man Jesus did live) and being very well known, fulfilling scripture and whatnot, He is, as Depeche Mode has said, “My own personal Jesus.” So not only is He available for you, and you, and you times billions of people, He is available for me, right now, in my own life. And because of His divinity, I ask not how the heck that is possible, I use that ‘little’ thing He told us about time and time again called faith: which is nothing more than hope and is one of the most powerful things we’ve got going for us.
5) Best of all, that light that Jesus is emanating, the love that He is bursting with? He’s got it for me. The love that God the Father, and God the Son has for us is unfathomable. If you think you love your kids, your family, you still haven’t come close for what He’s got for us. Most of us will not allow ourselves to even love ourselves that much, most of us are sadly incapable. Don’t feel bad, I am the same way. But sometimes I try to feel that love, and I think He really is willing to pour it on us. Which is really good, because we sorely need it.
I’m adding this one:
6) He llllloooooooooves for you to talk to Him. Now I believe you talk to Heavenly Father in the name of His Son (recall Jesus teaching us the ‘Our Father in Heaven’ prayer? Clearly, there is a Big Guy to speak to.) Well, anyway, I may be as confused as can be about religion, but I feel pretty good about things because I go straight to the top and do in fact pray. I really couldn’t deal without it. And I understand He loves it bunches.

And there you have it! I hope you're happy Mysti, 'cause now all the other kids think I'm a pansy. :) Well, I'm the prettiest darn pansy that ya ever did see! :) Darn it!