Sunday, March 30, 2008

Here's a link for you: Benny the Bipolar Puppy

I never did learn how to make links into tidier links.

But this story from Bipolar Planet actually made me CRY (not so hard to accomplish) because I related to it so much.

That was me, the bipolar child.

And most of all, I related to the beauty of the world after being locked up in the hospital and after the exhaustion of the mood roller coaster.

It's sweet, enjoy.

What is with Abilify and anxiety?

Since recently surviving Lithium toxicity, which has been blamed on me being sick and getting dehydrated (drink your water!), I have also endured a great deal of anxiety.

I'll be honest about anxiety. I didn't think it much of a 'mental illness' or serious issue before. Before lambasting me for that, I want to say that the condition is indeed REAL and unfortunately, can feel to me at least, nearly debilitating.

My site was never for Scientologists or those who want to debunk mental illness, because mine is hereditary (several generations of dead people who never had a chance to teach me their problems, especially since mine onset before voting age, to say the least) and it's f'n undeniably real, no matter how (A-MAZ-ing) people want to deny it.

People deny the Holocaust and a lot of other things, but guess what, it happened and so did a lot of other things. It's real, along with the fact that I take a LOT of meds including Abilify now.

Now, before going to a hospital and being encouraged to take some Benadryl and Clonapin in my IV to stand the process of being detoxed (that's a fair assessment of what occured, and it was effective. Each day my toxicity went down a lot) I was encouraged by my Pdoc to take Clonapin for the mounting anxiety that I felt assumably because of my Abilify, before any of that occurred.

I see Clonapin for the narcotic it is, as a strong drug, and try to keep from taking it. It is said to be addictive, and I don't want it, if I can possibly help it. I think it's because I'm already on so much, and none of this knowledge about Clonapin makes me feel better.

I want the anxiety gone. Abilify has been so good to me. So I guess it's a Pdoc's really hard job of giving a narcotic (Clonapin) to mute the good things of another drug.

For instance, I slept for three years, later and later (til 'Oprah time'), until Abilify - where I got up this morning at 6:30 a.m. - which I have pointed out is a Holy Miracle. Give me Clonapin and I'll sleep till 10 or later.

But moreover, I'm shaking as I write this, I worry about the damndest things, conscious and unconcious dreams. That is the point.

I now don't know if my shakes, fears, and freakouts are of Abilify or of something else. To be fair, I see the Pdoc tomorrow to analyze a blood test taken 2 weeks ago for Lithium, etc.

I can attest, once again, that it takes fortitude to withstand these illnesses. I can write another entire post about how I felt socially burned & hurt, and started thinking of those who spurn me because they don't know, they just don't get it, I got triggered so easily, just last evening.

It is when you feel your lowest there is some strength to be found (Honestly? About a half hour to an hour LATER!). That includes anger, which I had to get thru today.

So who's Lithium is working (mine??)? Who's Abilify is working or could be blamed for overwhelming anxiety (does this happen to others?)? I don't know the answers, but the fact I'm still here to discuss and don't give up, I give myself props, and encourage others the same.

Ying Yang - Peace

A Siamese cat & a black Pug sleep together in perfect harmony. Yes, Reese is friends with Mia Pug.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Still Here. And Proud of it.

I'm still unique.

I'm still full of hope.

And I'm still a fireball.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Ready to Rumble

I get so mad about the Xyprexa, Eli Lily Lies because I was on the stuff for a brief while, feeding on carbs (how dare I, as that was the only disclaimer I was given out of the mental ward – DON’T EAT PIES! I am dead serious.) getting fatter by the moment and lucking out in not growing the pathos of diabetes.

Others: not so lucky. For years of lying and covering up the truth instead of spending the billions to make sure the damn drug was safe, Lily must pay, and pay well.

Every payout needs to take a serious bite out of da bizniss. It might was as well be the Mafia, what a setup and a ream the Drug Companies truly are.

I am a youngling, that means old to some of you, and it was in my prime when the Exxon Valdez oil disaster occurred. I know some tasteless jokes on that matter, but the best is when the Exxon boat driver realizes he ‘messed up’ Alaska. Yeah, messed up something, Boat Driver.

Well, Eli Lily has been forced thru court of law, to see that they ‘messed up’ schizophrenics and bipolars in the fine state of Alaska to the tune of $15 million dolla’s. Which is so paltry, considering the billions to settle just 30,000 individual claims.

Read it:

Read about the pure greed, the cover up of playing down the drug’s risks (Diabetes and cholesterol problems) to doctors, all to make sure they sold the drug.

The thing is there’s such a thing as R&D, Research & Development, for every drug. This company clearly cut corners with finishing their job. Their deceitfulness gave a life debilitating illness to so many. Diabetes kills, especially on top of the confusion of Bipolar. My God, if I got it I’d contemplate suicide with sincerity.

I’ll never know what my Dad REALLY died of, but they say it has to do with the diabetes, never mentioning his possibility to tox out, like I almost did. He took his meds religiously. We all trust massively when we pop our medications in our mouth: the doctors, their knowledge, hospitals even.

To have to wonder if the drug companies are waiting for the pennies on our eyeballs is utterly reprehensible. Eli Lily, I barf on you. And all your little (always dressed in black) VULTURE DRUG REPS, too.

Make my Lithium right you little bitches, or you will just wish you had never been born. God, don't piss off a 'Tart.

Let Me Express

How dramatic that sounds, no? But that was my prayer I lifted to God this afternoon, to let me type and get some me-juice out in blogging land. I just wanna make a post, Lord. I want to get a little out.

I respectfully speak to Him. He answers in beautiful ways.

Yes, I am shaking. Something is wrong. Not all is well yet. I gnash my teeth, when I think about it and realize it. I’m shaky like a hungry diabetic, but as you can see, I’m being given reprieve to ‘speak’.

I’m not diabetic. I’ve been drinking water like crazy, because I’m told to. I know, I could flush out toooo much of something important.

Actually, last Dr. check (long story, because I’ve yet to see the P-doc yet!! Hah!) he said I have a sinus infection (elevated fever, blood pressure, ears with fluid, blah, blah). So, I’m sick with that. And again on an antibiotic, which makes me paranoid this whole thing might start again.

Why the shakey-shakey? Too much Lithium still? I don’t know.

I wait to see the P-doc (County guy) on Monday for results of a post hospital sticking (2 weeks ago).

Well, now I’m on half the Lithium – but twice the blood pressure meds. I’m on a new low sodium diet, in which I don’t know what I am allowed to eat.

When will this stop?

But, I am glad to be alive. I have even dropped a couple of pounds (water weight probably, but who’s sneezin’? It made me feel great!)

Thank you to the kind souls who have made kind comments. You’ve really buoyed up my senses and made me want to type again. Thanks to all of you.

Thanks to the God who has blessed me with a supportive family. I have often said they are small, but tenacious, like a pit bull terrier.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I feel weakened after all of this.

I’m not driving right now, because I just know in my heart, I’m not up to it.

I want to stay in, like a hermit, and people me freak me incredibly.

I worry (anxiety) constantly, to the point that the authorities want to drug me for it, but I resist as much as I can.

Sometimes that stuff sounded really good in the hospital (I was in the cardiac unit – this was not a psych stay, THANKFULLY) and I begged for some ‘calm down’ meds to get through. I was afraid to take anything at all at first, but the cute doc guy assured me that it was in fact, a good idea.

But I DIDN’T go to the psych ward, who I see as vipers waiting to sting me (that’s only from previous personal experience, my God, what a debacle that would’ve been) – couldn’t because this is a physical illness – I started with numbers in the 4 range, my mother tells me, when you want to be 1.67 I think, or somewhere in there.

I’m so glad we went to the emergency room.

God bless my husband, who did the right things, took me to the doctor, got the okay as to what to do (we did not know what to do, or if I was coming back as myself – it was indeed an emergency) and took me to the emergency room – we were so scared.

I was shaking like Ozzy Osbourne, literally because of the toxicity. It was impossible to stop or hide. Husband even said, ‘ Well, you look like a rock star, you’re shaking so hard.’

I’ll never forget it. :) Silly perhaps, but it helped with the fear.

Good job, Baby, for looking after me.

And I’ll stop there. Our time is up.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Survived Lithium Toxicity

Hi Guys,

I wanted to let everyone know that I just spent 4 days in the hospital with lithium toxicity. Thank you thank you THANK YOU good friends that were aware of it.

One of the worse things, besides IV’s and eXtreme boredom at the time is NOW how difficult it is to type. So, of course there’s lot’s to say, and even more lifetime changes : but oh so worth it, as it is my life.

More another time.
Love,The Tart