Saturday, October 28, 2006

A little vacuousness for no reason at all.

What do you know? Back by popular demand - a Lassie Movie for this Fall. My pleas were heard. Seriously! (Although in fact, Lassie movies are too sad for me, much like 'Old Yeller.')

Orlando Bloom - a hottie, hottie, hottie!!!

Alec Baldwin and Annette Benning in 'Running With Scissors.' I have the feeling this will be a good flick, or a weird remake of 'The Royal Tannenbaums.' Either way, dysfunction reflects my life and I appreciate them trying to make movies reflecting the dyfunctionistic template. (yes, I made that up, but it makes OBvious sense!)

This is Jon Heder in 'School of Scoundrels' (aka Napoleon Dynamite). I did see the movie. It was good. I will now admit that I have a crush on Mr. Heder and even kissed him in a dream. GAWSH - I hope he doesn't read my blog!!

Both Husband and I like Alicia Silverstone. She seems likeable. I also watched with interest when they said she couldn't get thin enough to play BatGirl in some movie. Poor thing had let herself go. But now she's BAAAcK!! Gives hope to all us girls that may have *ahem* let themselves go. No names here. (Okay, Tart's on the list. Torture me people!)

Love Jet Li. I really do. I saw a poster of him in a Chinese restaurant and it started a whole conversation, even tho neither side understood each other. ANYhow, reason for my affection is that I feel that he has a deep spiritual side, he is a good guy (despite some roles he's played). 'Fearless' is his last martial arts film, partly because HE feels they are too violent and give bad role models. This is a great guy. Mwanh to Jet Li.

I LOVE this guy - he is CRAAAAZY! Jack Black has got many endearing qualities, so funny, so human, its like he should be your brother. Look at that belly! It's okay to have that when you are Jack Black!

Sandra Bullock is okay, but here she is playing one of my favorite people~ Harper Lee, writer of 'To Kill A MockingBird,'~ in 'Infamous.' They keep doing this character in no less than three movies because she had the unfortunate (in my estimation) friendship with Truman Capote. They are beating that story with a dead horse, I guess because its just too difficult to simply watch or read 'In Cold Blood (never to be mentioned on my blog again. It's just awful).' I won't watch any of them because its a sick fascination all around, but that is not Harper Lee's fault. She's the one that rocks.

Who knew blogger picture thing would actually aquiesce and let me put all these up - so neato, I was very surprised. Just a little vacuousness to brighten your day!


Friday, October 27, 2006

WON-der Woman!!!!

Feelin' a little like Wonder Woman today! She has been my favorite Super Hero since I was five. This was probably snagged off MSN, and brought to you from photobucket (since blogger's pic thing is down.) Lynda Carter is still beautiful to this day. Beautiful and empowered, I hope you can feel it too.

I love Antibiotics!!!

I cannot think of any other reason that I have life and energy today. I did in fact wake at the un-Godly hour of 7:30 a.m., actually even earlier, but I could not sleep anymore and got up. If it wasn't enough that my nightly antipsychotic gives me weird dreams every night, combine that with a little antibiotic and a snoring husband and one is guaranteed no sleep, and no desire to keep trying: the dreams are too wicked (as in awful)!

So, I did a little laundry, ALL of the dishes (FlyLady should do a jig, because it is a miracle that I can now see my sink, let alone shine it!), I even left the house momentarily: to hit the Bell (Taco Bell) and procure cigs. I am contemplating getting on the elliptical.

Behold, a miracle has occurred. In the East, my little insane section of the world.

Also, I was thrilled to receive my first of three cross stitch patterns I bought from someone in England off of Ebay. It was the last to be bid on, but it is my favorite: Scarlett Ohara of Gone With the Wind. Tons of mahogany, maroon and the thing will be huge upon completion - about 20" by 15.5"!!! Wow!! I will be keeping the DMC floss folks in the money!

I think I am pretty smart about my purchases. Normally, I do not spend more than $10 at a time on a particular thing and I buy things that really give me joy upon arrival. I am amazed how stable I am for a bipolar, because buying like absolute crazy can be an issue. I admit I buy things for the pleasure of receiving them, opening them and 'playing' or dreaming with it. I feel in control, but during these dreary autumn/winter months I like to have something to look forward to. I'm like that 'even' if it's a present for my husband. I can't wait to give it to him, and I try to find things he will really like. And we all know it's the thought that counts.

I read an article in the NYT's today about a ten year old girl with nearly every mentally ill diagnoses out there. I was so proud that they told their story (her family) and that they even said that they hoped they could ease the societal strain on people by doing it. Soooo, I wrote the author a letter, saying they ARE accomplishing that goal and of course, oodles about me, my thoughts on the girl and things that could help and that I was very proud of them. SOMEday, Tart's letters are going to do some good and if not, here on blogland you can feel special that you are not the only one subjected to ME, me, me!

I go from feeling peaceful, to rage, to utter exhaustion, to doing enough housework that my husband shouldn't feel like yelling at me. It's the life of a bipolar (Forrest Gump). :)

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Here is what I feel like today: A big fat sleepy seal (albeit an adorable one)

Here is what hit my house (internal clutter). We have made limited attempts to dig out.

Here is what I am lacking...


I have eye drops for my 'guppy' eye (an infection), antibiotics for my toe (an infection) and the energy and desire to do anything of a slug. May God save my soul. And lead me out to the pasture and shoot me. :)

Oh, I'm kidding. You healthy people go out there and help the National Product, would ya? Me and my friends are sucking it dry, and I hear we are getting a 3% raise for doing exactly what they expect - nada. So work, work, work people. You are paying for my aches and pains, my mental anguish, every mood swing I've ever experienced, my Ebay and Hallmark habit, the crap I bought on QVC today, my therapist, psychiatrist and meds. Luckily, I haven't bought groceries in a month and a half, so everyone's off the hook for that.

If I'm going to have no energy I will make fun of those that do or torment you outright. Oh, and did I mention that when you get yourself up at 5 or 6 a.m., I'll still be snoozing till the crack of noon or later? I know you enjoy that job of yours. You are paying me to do nothing at all! I wouldn't let out the secret of how *we* live if I wasn't purily ashamed of it. But what do you? Looks like nothing at all.


Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Not so Peaceful (Tomorrow I will be experiencing Rage. Come back and check!)

I said yesterday that I felt peaceful. That was because all I could do is sit around, mostly because of my eye issue. I have swelling below my right eye that makes me look a bit like a guppy or one of those bubble-eyed gold fish. I have a doctor's appt. for tomorrow! I can just see them saying, "Oh my, this should have been seen right away!" to which I will calmly say, "You'll have to talk to your staff about that. I told them what my problems were and they (she, okay, evil byotch) would only give an appt. 2 days out.

So today Husband finds out that he is "pre-Diabetic." They tell me this is different from being premenstrual which is good because I was starting to worry about him. I have been mulling about joining Nutrisystem. When I thought what to do about him and him his oft expressed desire for a home cooked meal for dinner, I figured, no sweat I'll cook for him too. After all, he goes out for lunch all the time, obviously my fault for not providing him one, so that's only one silly meal to worry about. Meanwhile, I could potentially lose weight on my lovely prepackaged items.

I have done everything. Jenny Craig - very expensive. Healthy Inspirations - please don't ever do this. I handed over $500 for a diet that I didn't even see before hand, they lied when I asked for a trainer (showed me the equipment and never spoke of it again.) To top it off, you will only see one person that lost the weight and kept it off in their ads- the only satisfied thinner customer- and she WORKS there! Of course there's Weight Watcher's - been to meetings, done it over the computer - I did lose 30 pounds once doing it online. Then I got engaged and I was stressed and it all went out the window and I was still a cow on my wedding day.

So Mom starts NutriSystem. We are all skeptical. She's lost around 40 pounds so far, at least. Then she got Dad on it, a Diabetic, Heart patient, Bipolar. He's been on it a few weeks, I talked to him yesterday and he says he feels like he's lost some weight already and he is still on it. I'm thinking, hunh, my doctors do everything but tell me I am going to die - no WAIT, one did tell me I will be dead in 7 years!- if I don't lose weight. I'm on 2, yes TWO blood pressure medications, Lipitor a cholesterol med, not to mention Thyroid med because my Lithium apparently screwed that up, as well as a couple of other psychotropics. I think it is safe to say that I need drastic measures, and that does NOT include cutting me open and massaging or doing anything to my stomach. It's a personal organ (Forrest Gump) and I am against cutting on my personal body. Cutting on my not-so-personal body - fine, that is what I do - but keep your surgical glov-ed hands off the rest.

Well as I mentioned, Husband found out about his pre-Diabetes status today. And he was upset. I could not pinpoint what it is he wanted from me, because I was getting the distinct feeling that he felt that I was his Mommy and I had either A) Let him down because I "let" him eat badly or did not provide things that were the perfect diet for him, or B) I am supposed to go to this class the doc told him about FOR him, so I would know how in the future to rectify this situation, since I must surely been some cause for it. Or I thought he just needed a hug, but he didn't like that either. So perhaps baby just needs his diaper changed because I am all out of guesses.

Oh, how can you be so mean Tart? Well, honey, for some inexplicable reason, food and its existence or non existence in our house gets to be a topic of unhappiness, along with my constant mulling of what to do about my excess flab. Nobody figures is out for ME! Now, FLYLady does this big thing on whining but she is FLYing out the window right now, because I am letting it OUT.

I was driven to a conversation with myself today where I stated and realized that I have done plenty of things for myself, by myself. While these last few months could easily have that scary stamp of "Lazy" on them, that in no way characterizes my previous life lived.

I have worked my ars off to SAVE MY SANITY. To get it back. To be the person that I was meant to be before it was ripped from me. I have done it TWICE. And the second time was six months in a state institution and you better bet that I remember working so HARD to COME BACK, while they were using my body for a guineau pig - trying every med slowly because they were afraid Evil Tart could return/ or it was just for their fun, who knows.

Most people have no idea of what terrifying, horrifying is. They need movies and rides to feel closer to psychotic. They would not know what to do with themselves if they were LOCKED in to psychotic and they would have NO CLUE as to how to get out, work themselves back to sanity, how to live with crazies and criminals all around them, to be treated cruelly by others just for being the weakest, my God, many people would be left there or some half way house for life because they are WEAK and could not take this kind of torture.

Honey, I literally pulled MYself up and out of that by MY own bootstraps. I had help, love from my family and a zillion answered begging prayers from God, but I did it MYself. If that is not strength, if that is not courage then those things don't exist. I do toot my own horn, because again, who the hell else is going to do it but ME? I think I have a right after experiencing hell a few times to share my knowledge/experience and for every person that likes a thrill I have a real nonfiction story full of 'em.

Then, I got out of hell hole #2 (my second release after a psychotic episode). I was 25! The age of so much joy and fun in life. So I bided my time in becoming less of a drooler, and decided I wanted to work! Now finally on disability I worked, getting paid nothing practically and I guarantee you that NO ONE knew I was bipolar, that 2 years before I was being shot up with Haldol and Thoriazine, I was a regular person!!!!! Hah! When I got tired of the job, what did I do? I WENT BACK TO SCHOOL! Taking only 2 classes a semester (less stress, very important) I went for FOUR MORE YEARS (I had already started school at age 19 and completed 3 or more years before being sick) to get my B.A. in English from a well-known university. *I* did that. It is so hard to be a decade older than all the other spoiled brats, no friends for four years, it did not matter - I had already done something in my little finger that most of those kids could never handle. I never said anything, I did not let on. But it was another example of a goal that nothing would make me quit on, so it didn't matter what anyone said or did or the subject of the class, nothing was going to stop me.

You don't know me, heck I struggle to understand myself, but I must have been a lion in my last life. When a male lion roars it is heard throughout the entire area that he lives, plus some. You better not mess with the head of the pride. He will fight to the death to protect what's his. There's a reason we associate courage with lions. Besides we both have gorgeous hair! :)

I *am* angry. I'm tired of being subjected even for a minute to the idea that I am just not doing anything. Darling I get my vacation, if it lasts for years I don't care. I don't owe anyone anything. I am realizing that I have some issues, that started BEfore I quit my last job. I'll be talking to UT about them and I truly hope someday to be able to designate her as simply T. Otherwise, she's out and I've got to search again.

So its a busy early afternoon, is it not! It's all about Me as my husband says. It's my blog too. Let him display his problems on his blog (which he'd die a thousand deaths, instead of having one). I imagine mine flailing in the wind like laundry on a spring day. At least it smells good when I bring it inside.

Monday, October 23, 2006


Lake in Colorado (above)
scene from England (right)

I feel pretty peaceful today and looked thru my Webshots for pics that reflect that. I'm still here, happy with the Jungle. Reese is folded up on me now - he has a fabulous purrbox. You have never seen a kitty with blueer eyes, at least I haven't. Emma, la Pug, was sitting on me earlier snoring, which is the equivalent of a purrbox. I am percolating plans for several things. All in good time. :)

Thursday, October 19, 2006

I'm still here!

I'm still here! It seems of late that I have been applying my computer time and fascination to a different endeavor than the blog - Ebay! I'm having a great time with that.

Also, I spent some time trying to set straight some idiot writer for Slate about something. I went off, fairly eloquently I think, about how manic depression does not equal crazy (although you wouldn't know it to check me, eh?) when he applied it to Hemingway. Maybe I'll give snippets of my brilliantness sometime.

I'm feeling well and pretty much my usual self. As far as my Grandma goes, I talked with a friend who said sometimes you can end up feeling bad for not being as upset as you think you should. I don't mourn her passing as something unfair because not to sound awful, but it was getting to be that time. I have sat and felt angry about the idiots who contributed to it in ways that don't quite seem right.

I have been staying up waaaay too late and sleeping waaaay too late. I don't think I'm manic, well probably some, but not in the arena of flipping out. Bored on one hand and trying to find meaning on the other. It's a wonderful combination (Forrest Gump). Thank you to all for wondering where I was and for your concern.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I leave behind me a trail of flowers...

The Feisty and Very Beloved Mrs. D. (1914-2006)

My Grandma passed away at 2 a.m. this morning.

I said earlier that my grandmother was fiesty and tenacious. She was like this to the very end. I can say, especially as a bipolar - an illness that many copout of life on - that she left me the very best example of what it was to live life. And how to leave it.

It was not easy, the things she went through. She really lost the life she knew about ten or less years ago when her husband died and we uprooted her to live with us. She broke a hip and that started the less mobility and hating to be confined because of it mostly to her room here. Hip replacement. Somehow at that point they realized she had dementia. Now living in the nursing home, the CNA's did not listen when she told them her leg was cold and waaay too much time went by before it was dealt with. CNA's lied to my mother and told her the Dr. was called already, when in fact it took another 48 hours. Grandma had blood clots in her leg. My mother was given two choices: Grandma's leg or her life.

So, leg now amputated below the left knee with dementia and an already having a fiesty personality, she could be sweet or an occasional terror on the hall. She still played her keyboard, watched lots of Animal Planet and loved seeing us and our dogs. That lasted awhile. She was lonely and depressed but she kept going.

She had a sort of mini-stroke about a month ago. Speaking was so difficult and it frustrated her to no end. I would listen close and look right in her eyes and sometimes I could understand her. We would both be happy when that happened. The speech difficulty was a tongue difficulty and they had her on this awful nectarized diet where everything was gooshy and frankly, gross. I assume mostly that she was not eating much because she did not like it or merely out of protest. So they tested her, I went to this farce where I was supposed to get to help her. Instead they put me behind a plate glass window where she couldn't even hear me. THAT made me mad, but to have two 25-year-olds (the speech therapist and the radiology tester) immediately decide that she MUST have a gastro tube (stomach tube) inserted really meant the end of everything. They whisked her off, inserted it, took her back to the nursing home. She kept trying to get out of that bed! They medicated her, thinking she would stop, but NOTHING would keep her from wanting out, either into her wheelchair or somewhere.

My last time seeing her was after the gastro tube was in. I would sit by the bed trying to keep her leg in! Never have you seen a person try so hard, I'm talking about her! I went to her other room (she was just in that one for skilled care after the operation) and brought her pictures of her beloved dog (passed away), herself, and color drawings that she had done herself. I told her I loved her and she replied right back, "I love you, too!" and I got very close to her, looking her right in the eyes and I said with all my heart, "YOU are cared for!" to which she turned her head toward me and replied in her characteristic sarcastic way, "Oh, Reeaally?!" and I said, " Yes, Really!"

It was so sad for me to leave her that night. But that is the way I will remember her. I am so glad that I felt inside that I had told her what I wanted to say.

I wanted to be there when she passed or close to it, because I wanted her to know that we were there, that she is loved and that she wouldn't be alone. My Mom did that. Mom said that Grandma was already slipping into shallow, fluid filled breathing but that she squeezed Mom's hand every time Mom asked her if she realized she was still there. Grandma squeezed Mom's hand when she asked her if she could still hear the music (Statler Brother's and another CD played until the end). That was up until 7:30 pm last night.

Why would I tell you this long saga of these last year's and days of Grandma's life. When I started this blog I said I hoped I could help people, maybe even prove I (or You!) are not the only freaks in this world. If you ever come to this blog because of your own pain, then I am sure you know what its like to suffer, in your own way.

I've been making fun of suicide recently because of many reasons: its angers me for people to be so selfish and it angers me that a person would take out their own light and forget that it was put on this Earth for a reason. And damn it, it's too easy!! I've had those feelings myself but obviously I beat them as needed. My grandmother is a literal example for me of taking it to the end. I am so proud of her.

I will miss my Grandma here on Earth. I know I will see her in the next life. I can't help thinking that there's a boogie-woogie joint up in sky with someone guiding my Grandma, "Come this way, Mrs. D., Coco's here! (her doggie) and this piano's been waiting and ready for you! Get down, everybody, Mrs. D. is gonna rock the house!"

Honey, I know she can do it too!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Postings from an MSN Board from Hell: Jennifer Wilbanks, How Dare Thee Live?!!!

Somehow I made the mistake of clicking on today's apparent breaking news on MSN that Jennifer Wilbanks is sueing her ex. And the ADDitional mistake of looking on the response/message boards accompanying said story.

I learned today that the supposed 'mainstream' chatter on this board is absolutely meaner than nails. I have never seen such bile and hatred for a person that I will guess 99.9% don't even know. If I were an alien, whether from another country or planet, I would think these people are either dumber than a box of nails or the most bitter, grudge-holding wretches on the planet.

I must say this reinforces my belief that people suck, and I continue to be glad that I have dropped out of society as much as I can. All I can say is, if I do ever make it on Oprah or have a well-published book, I sure hope I don't make a mistake because them American idgets are brutal!!!!

I am Very proud to say that I posted twice. Not proud so much because of the silly subject but because I know that even a year ago I never would not have attempted it, because I would have thought things like: my opinion doesn't matter, I'll just incite the masses, I can't write on crap like that!

But I did. And I really think my posts were far more insightful than 'Death to the b*tch!' , 'Give back the presents' (not what it was about, Hello!) , 'crazy,' and 'should give the money back to the people who searched for her,' 'the guy's lucky he got out when he did,' 'she's a liar,' 'a gold digger'...yes, I think that covers a lot of almost 1,000 responses so far.

So I know you're dying to know what Tart had to say. And here it is:

Earlier Post:

I applaud her for finally using some chutzpah to have some control over her life. If she had found it in herself before, none of this probably would have happened.

Why berate her for having sold her story and making the money in the first place? It is her story, media is based on capitalism and voyeurism whether you like it or not and nobody made you read it.

She's definitely got issues, every pic I ever saw she looks like a deer in headlights. But she doesn't have to feel 'lucky' her man stuck by her so long. A real man would not mess with agreed money, he'd just settle it and stop making her look crazier. Sounds like he has a score to settle and it may have been the long way, but it looks like she's better off without him!

On and on the tirades went, really cruel. I continued to think about the subject, here is my last and final post on crazy board (and I'm referring to the post-ers!)

What is the fixation on the search party that looked for Jennifer Wilbanks? I was under the impression that the most important thing in looking for a person was finding them alive. She had serious error of judgment but that doesn’t make it right that so many people would be more satisfied if she had been sexually abused or dead.

There’s no doubt Ms. Wilbanks had/has serious personal issues. She has made a lot of public stupid bad decisions. And she continues to be kindling for a lot of weird public rage. It is interesting that I have never heard a public outcry for real criminals who hurt and murder children to pay back the tax debt of what it took for concerned citizens and authorities to conduct a search for a child only for it to end in the worst way possible. THINK of the searchers, some people cry in the Wilbanks case, but its okay for the public to write off real crimes in the Debit category of ‘Tragedy’ and leave it at that. Are we just a little bitter that she may have more money than the average: Hmmm…so much of this sounds like bitter jealousy to me, not pretty is it?

For the 50 millionth time, this case is not about wedding presents. Thank you to all for the misguided wedding etiquette tips. Someone somewhere should read past the headline and see that it is mostly about the money received for selling her story (along with another of her misjudgments: giving away her POA). Again, why have a beef with that as obviously tons of people are clamoring to read it so they can go off.

But the real truth, I think, of what she is doing is attempting to reclaim her life. Yes, money is involved, but you know what, if I went thru that hell, and procured some $$ from a publisher I would feel that it is mine. After all, everyone says a man would be crazy to ever be with her again, so she better take some 'income' while she can, no? Stupid, stupid mistake was to give this man Power of Attorney over her things - honey, that's too much power to give to a man, especially when you are so young. This is proof positive that she is willing to literally give her power away. I am heartened when a woman takes it back. I am not even fazed by the rest of the crap.

The Courage to Take it To the End

Having Diet Coked myself right past a decent time to go to bed, and having now taken Tylenol PM, hoping to give myself a second chance (oh and to ease my ever present aches and pains!) I will write about something I thought of this evening, after having killed THE MOST enormous arachnid that was teetering on the edge of my scrapbook bag. I couldn't have that. God, it freaked me out. Things should not live that big in my area and they should NOT be in my house.

Well, anyway, my mother gave to me today presents from my Dad and his friend. And one of them from my Dad was a brand new picture Atlas of the world and everything in it. I looked through this with joy and interest. There is an actual entry for psychosis, manic depression and SCORES of other things that I am sure I will delve onto here sometime.

I also found things of interest to me, like Ernest Hemingway, a lovely definition of Jesus Christ, an explanation of heart failure, Nelson Mandela, etc.

I learned that Mr. Hemingway, a known depressive and interestingly ALSO into big game, big fishing and thrill activities (does anyone see Tart wondering if he was Bipolar?) wrote lots of well-known stuff, won two major writing prizes including the lusted after Pulitzer, and then shot himself within two years of winning that prize.

I'm not impressed. I've heard of the Hemingway Collection which is basically bedroom furniture and I'm glad to know that his untimely, personally orchestrated demise did not take away his commercial appeal. I would be much more excited by him if he took it to the dirty end, lived and died the way he was meant to. I feel the same way about Mr. Hunter S. Thompson and to some extent Kurt Colbain. I appreciate genius, don't get me wrong, but more than that what each has in common is one thing: they're a bunch of pu**ie*. Yep, you heard me right.

I have excellent role models for knowing what real heros, real champions, and non-pu**ie* are. That would be both my father and my grandmother (on Mom's side). I may have been cursed with a nasty gene pool in some ways but I am so blessed, on both sides with true tenacity and Strength.

Case in point, my Dad is bipolar, divorced, living miles away from family, has heart problems, diabetes and can barely get up the stairs to his apartment. He is the only person left in his immediate family including his twin who died shortly after birth, a brother that he never knew, a father he barely knew, his sister and mother and jerkoff step-dad. He suffers from THREE catostophic illnesses, and believe me just one of those would get you down. He has never published a prize winning book, although I'm sure he wouldn't mind as he does belong to a Writer's Club (you go, guys!). He worked tirelessly for the gov't for 25 years and for all practical purposes is the quiet type that carries on with life.

And THAT is what he does: carry on with life. He was a Marine and knows how to handle a gun, and I'm pretty sure they teach you right off not to point that thing at yourself. That man is more of my hero than any spoiled, 'gifted' writer who threw it all away. That is Strength, quiet, loving strength and a pittance like Hemingway and Thompson could have learned a lot from a Man like my Dad.

Then there is my Grandma. Grandma is reaching the end of life. She should be dead already, with blood clots that caused them to remove her leg below the left knee a few years ago. She should be dead from the mild stroke she had recently, that caused her to not to be able to use her tongue, and took weeks of beaurucratic nursing home tape to be tested for them to realize the poor woman literally could not eat! She should be dead at 92 when they put her under to insert a gastro tube directly into her stomach. She should have LOST the will to live when all she wanted to do was get out of her bed (with only one leg!) and get into her wheelchair, the only thing that has made her even the glimmer of happy of late (of course, she's not allowed).

They are starting the process of doping her into oblivion. They have already procured the DNR (Do Not Resusitate order). They are waiting for her bed to be empty to make money off of someone's else's Medicare.

Now, Hemingway, Thompson and Colbain would have said the hell with that. If I can't kill myself, dope me into oblivion. This woman will NOT give up. She clings to life with literally bony, skeletal hands and is fiesty in everything from the IV to the oxygen mask placed on her. Is it orneriness, a deep and abiding fear of death and whatever might come after it? I say may we all be that ornery, because I see a tenaciousness that has no rival. She lives with dementia, no mobility, a hole of a place to live, no privacy, no way to do the hobbies she loved (she is soo, sooo (as in Very Much!) musical she played her beloved keyboard until recently, something she has done all her life. Here's one for you: As a job, she played the piano/organ for silent movies! How neat is that!)

She is not, and never will be, a nobody at a nursing home. Mom sees her constantly, and when she was away I tried to maintain her see Gma every other day schedule, with my dog and clean laundry each time. I have never seen a resident visited that much. Don't get me wrong, Gma's no saint. She had to have her own room, because she canNot get along with anyone else, and she has actually hit and pulled hair of another resident. But they say its part of her dementia.

The hell if she's not going down without a fight. I don't know if my grandma ever heard 'Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night' but it doesn't matter. She's living it.

So you see, I have witnessed firsthand what it means not to pu**y out of life. Famous people can eat their heart out, I have a family, a gene pool that's got you beat.

Sunday, October 8, 2006

Rated: Hot/Contested Topic

Today may be my day to piss off a lot of people. I don't know, because once again, it being my opinion, I do think I'm right and makes every bit of sense in my world. But it's a touchy subject, so maybe some should know to hold on for the ride, or wait for everyone else at the bottom.

The other day I came across one of the MSN articles that said Ms. Magazine is going to print the names of 5,000 women who have had abortions and are not ashamed of that decision. Gloria Steinam and Kathy Najiminy are among. (Gloria Steinam seems a given, Ms. Najiminy was the very fat witch in 'Hocus Pocus', or if that doesn't stir your memory, Pat Hill's voice in 'King of the Hill.')

So of course, MSN makes a chat/discussion list and asks people to voice their thoughts, opinions, experiences. I am thinking of one 'brave' woman who explained that after two children, she and her husband were working towards having another. She is 42, and unless you're dumber than rocks you know that after 40 a woman is much more susceptible to having a child with Down's Syndrome than most. Wouldn't you know it, she tested for it and found that the child did indeed have this syndrome. She aborted it. They are continuing to try to get pregnant.

All I can say is, I hope you don't have to abort TOO many more babies to get the perfect baby.

I'm not saying anything about the irresponsible 16 year-oldS (it takes two, does it not?), the mamas without money or means, and every other scenario that is out there, but this one takes the cake, as in NO its NOT okay. Not to me.

This was stirred within me simply because I saw a Down's child at dinner this evening. It looked like his Dad was taking him by the hand to the bathroom and that he had other brothers and sisters. Maybe its the bipolar in me, but I hold something special in my heart for Down's kids. They can't hide what is different about them. While probably having learning and physical issues and any other problems that I don't claim to know about, it seems to me that there is a lot of love in those people. Like bipolar, they are given 'scourge' but alternately often have really sweet personalities. They might be 'simple' or whatever in some people's vision but they seem sweet to me.

So I'm trying to put myself in this woman's shoes as to why it was okay to finally receive (in her case, another) one of God's miracles and she would literally throw it in the garbage. Sounds like she and her husband feel pretty confident that they will be able to feed, raise, and shower money on yet another new being, but the thought of knowing this one is 'abnormal' or messed up in some way (before they've had a chance to do it themselves) is too much, just not acceptable. Or perhaps they realize that maybe they DON'T have that extra bit of energy to deal with a kid with disabilities.

I admit a part of me feels that it sounds like they have a wonderful life. I'm just saying if they are going to invite another one in, especially with her risk factor, how can they not accept it, what in society or their family for that matter says its okay to literally throw a baby away, even a different potentially disabled one that they should have known they were in for anyway. I guess it depends on how many you've already had, in this case, and they must seem more disposable.

It can't be their Christian values, because no one is trash not even fetuses, at least to Conservatives or the baby chugging Right? (Heaven forbid, if it sounded like I agree.)

You know, the rest of us assume that the reason that doctors ever do tests to tell a person if their baby is a boy or a girl is to, just that, inform them. It is not to tell them that they have some kind of frickin' choice over it!! What kind of monster aborts their baby because it is not the right sex?? Yeah, I know there are some that do it, but don't be fooled, I just can't see that as anything other than sick!

So am I saying this woman, husband, family are a bunch of monsters? Ummm...I don't know but it seems an awful lot like the same thing to me, or selfish, clueless human comes to mind. You know you're high risk, you're married and have all the societal norms into place, apparently enough money to handle another child (but only a perfect one), but I'm thinking maybe because you've already been a bit a baby factory before, that you are not appreciating what you are getting. You're knocking at the door, but don't like what you are given. I don't know what in a person's world would think its okay to be selfish like that, but there you go. And willing to tell the world in a discussion/chat saying you're apparently not really sorry for it.

It does make the Tart mad.

In case you think Tart will just talk about other people, I will bore you with my situation. If I get pregnant I must stop taking the two drugs that have actually been a serious part of my staying stable for such a long time. They are both teratogens (things that can hurt the development of a baby). One will cause the heart to be missing a chamber, the other brain defects. Just key elements of a healthy person. The mere basics of life. Already been told, already been explained to me.

Tart goes off meds if she becomes pregnant. In a nine month period I am near certain Tart will go psychotic. Stress, hormones, upheaval of long time medications. Psychotic+Pregnant= the scariest most terrifying thing I can think of.

So I am careful. BUT IF I found out that I was with child I would cry for days, not just out of terror but out of joy. What a miracle would have then been bestowed on me. Isn't that really the most important thing we're thinking about? And then there's people purposely asking for that miracle, only not to be able to see it unless it's the way THEY want it, and that seems unbelievable unfair to say the least.

Do you think I would abort it because it has Down's? I would have a hard time I think but I think I would feel He gave that little baby to ME for a reason. I would do everything keep it, even go crazy. I can say that now because I'm 35, married and am a stable bipolar and can see what a gift a child is especially since I haven't had any.

I do my best not to get pregnant, cause it's not only not really the right time, I don't know if it would ever be the right time. Don't think that knowing I may be the dog/cat lady with no kids and crochet's alot, instead of doing all the crap that mothers get to do, isn't hard on me.

It's just that I fear being psychotic and pregnant even more. Call me crazy.

And A-gain, THAT's just me. Oh, and I guess I'm not ashamed to put it in print.

I have many sweet heart friends that struggle with these issues, and I don't want to upset your personal feelings and the things you've gone through. I am just being as honest and fair about simply typing out how *I* feel about the subject, what *I* would at this time in my life. That can no way be a comparison to what many of us have done when we were younger and in different situations. There really is every scenario under the sun, although many seem to have similarities, it's just that the scenario above did not seem right. That is all.

Thursday, October 5, 2006

Ah yes, Guns in Schools... suggested by fools.

You've just got to be kidding. Republicans in the great state of Wisconsin are considering outfitting teachers and principals with GUNS!!! Yes, take no notice when you're quiet, demure English teacher has to adjust or pick up her nine in the middle of the lesson.

I don't want to even think about the kids that would take advantage of the situation.

So is the NRA gearing up for the new NEAA gun club? 'We teach the children,' as well as teachers how to hold their anger in when they'd like to take a kid out instead sending them to the principal.

By the way, adults doooo 'teach the children.' What kind of message is this sending to kids, in oh so many ways? I'm thinking none of them good. How could you have any control over the environment when kids could claim 'confusion' and thought it was okay to bring Their Nine in to class?

It makes sense that a bunch of old(er) fools that have either never given birth to a child (hold on now, there may be something to this) OR are too old to have recalled the public school experience would suggest this kind of ridiculousness.

Outfitting the teachas' with guns is just ridiculous. I can see it now, a blanket petition from the English department refusing to be outfitted on the grounds that it's just not our thing. THEN what do you do? Force them to after school shooting range duty, cause that's part of their contract? Do the politicians REAlize how liberal most teachers tend to be? Honestly, they were able to hide it pretty well in public school when I went, but its ALL over in college (they're ALL liberal, 'kay?), and you had to kiss bottom a lot in college, whether you liked it or not, to turn out to be a teacher, ya know?

I enjoy this so because it's so dang crazy, like something out of the Twilight Zone. I can tell you with the hellish experiences I had just with psychotic mania alone in 11th grade, I probably wouldn't have gone back if they had gun totin' teachers. And think of all the world would have lost.

My suggestion is real security in and around schools. Don't involve teachers in it, it is NOT their job. After realizing that their is no hope in securing our borders (as much as I wish it were possible), take that National Guard and security force and put it where it needs to be: protecting our children and teaching others how to, there are unemployed people that could learn a skill, or employed ones that can gain a sense of pride.

Hello, I haven't given birth and I'm not a mommy, but I think these are good ideas. How hard, people, how hard?

Tuesday, October 3, 2006

Lassie Come Home...

The World REally needs some clean, wholesome entertainment again!


What an Idiot.

I was just going to post a pic, but I got a brief glance at one the headlines on MSN a moment ago, "Foley Abused as a Teen."

Is this an excuse? A cry for someone somewhere to feel sorry for him? He's a grown man, isn't he a frickin' Senator or something? Didn't a bunch of idiots somewhere vote him in office, probably based somehow on the concept that he was responsible?? Or at least give him any position anywhere partly based on thinking that he was responsible? I say that because I don't what the hell he does for a living besides the fact that he was sexually inappropriate with Senate pages.

If you are abused at any point in your life, would not this supremely teach you that it is a horrible thing, as in, you personally not only did not enjoy being abused, you flat out did not like it?

Why then inflict in on others?

Are we going to hear this is a new sickness and that when a person is 'infected' with it at any age they may simply feel the need to inflict/infect another and can't be held responsible, couldn't help themselves?

Anything and everything to keep from taking personal responsibility for one's own actions. This seems a no-brainer to me. Fine, you don't want to think about the after-effects of what you do beforehand but then the rest of us have to clean up the mess and try to find some justice afterward.

What a *#^$^&@*!!!!

Apparently a lot more people need to be on medication.

I read about the Lancaster school shooting in the AMISH community this evening. I am just so angered by the selfishness of this individual who did it. I pray for the people left on the earth, and their devastated families. When I think of the person who would do this...I am at a loss, as I know that he will be dealt with by the One True Judge.

Always I think when children are hurt by whatever kind of predator or evil about the Bible verse that I wish these mongrels of existence would take to heart before they ever picked up a weapon or touched a child. Of course, I don't have the exact verse (perhaps I'll look it up for exactitude) but I know that it was said by the Lord Jesus Christ himself and is recorded in the New Testament: Whoa be it unto you that hurts a child, for it should be (or you will wish) that you had never been born at all.

He does not tolerate that. There was nearly nothing on Earth that He loved as much as a child. And OUR laws should respect that, in ALL aspects of child abuse and evil done to them.


There were many reader responses to today's news. Below is my favorite, found on MSN (of course!) because of its sincerity, truthfulness and gets right to it. Bless him, he's 13!

I'm 13 years old and in junior high school. I know how difficult it is to fit in. I just am worried that someday, someone's words, or even just resentfulness to others, may push someone over the edge. I've seen firsthand what terrible things some kids can do out of hate, fear, and just not being accepted. It's scary sometimes, but you have to live on even after these events. You also can't just suspect that one group of people is capable of doing this. Anyone can honestly be a hazard to anyone else.— Tucker

Evil does exist. My feeling about it is: Take care of yourself in terms of trying to keep it weeded out of your life. But know that evil is the big test(s) in this life. My feelings of occasional suicide are, I believe firmly, the work of Satan. Every time I conquer it I know that I've scored one for the Lord. And I tell $&*&#! so:"I won! You tried to take me out but I'm here, and you HAVE LOST!! I take GREAT joy in that.

The other thing is, you can't control other people most times, and bad things can occur. If you have your ducks in order and are doing the best you can, I suggest telling your loved ones every chance you get that you LOVE them and let God deal with the rest in terms of worrying about it. You have to have some peace and that is precisely the thing that He is all about!

Sunday, October 1, 2006