Saturday, December 30, 2006
I want to talk about smoking cessation today as I just read an entire MSN board of normies discussing it. I thought of joining their board but then I thought my blog is the perfect place to discuss quitting smoking, especially, but of course not having to be, while mentally ill.
That is after all what I am, mentally ill. Forever tagged with the...tag, sometimes I wonder if everything I actually accomplish is due to superhuman effort and everything that might be wrong or even 'low' in my life is mental illness. Turns out if this is the case, then MANY present normies are in fact simply mentally ill or dumb enough to do something that some of the mentally ill treasure: and that would be smoking.
I had a nurse practioner that I adored (forget the Dr., I never saw him until my wonderful n. prac. left his practice) tell me something that stuck with me: Normal people don't smoke.
She knew my illness, she knew a lot about me, as a matter of fact she is the only medical professional I allowed to pray with me ~ because she was sincere, and not some nut-arse quack like the last one who only gave it lip service anyway ~ and it has been years ago that I saw her but her four word statement stuck with me.
Why do the mentally ill smoke? or Why do the mentally ill seem to hold on much more easily to a practice that will kill them, with many of them joining the die hard ranks of those who see little reason to give it up?
I don't know if the answers to that is as simple to everyone out there as it seems to me. Basically, we've got an outright corner on emotional upset and are the obvious ones to look at in terms of trying to treat our ills and not being afraid to use methods to kill the sadness, the emotional upset, heck for all I know it helps with voices. The fact that it kills, is merely a byproduct, and sometimes a welcomed one.
But it is a weak thing to do. Sure, I'm going to pi** off some that still holds onto it and might think I'm looking down on ya. I'm not. Do what you do, need to do, want to do - do you think my measly words are going to stop you? I knew the entire time I was doing it that smoking is a weak thing to do, and I smoked for 10 years before actually quitting for three, then smoked most of 2006, and now got off it. In other words, I participated in the weak for a really long time.
But even I know I'm participating in something amazing by quitting, and it does feel really good. I thought it would be excruciating forever, but that does in fact pass. Yes, I'll admit it, I probably gave myself the best gift for Christmas 2006. The best ones are the ones you work for. :)
There may be some assumption here that there is a point. Not really. Except, I would like to say I do understand why disturbed people feel a bit attracted to things that make them temporarily feel better, but are killing them in the process. But being disturbed/and or killing oneself is Not cool or desired, and those of us in that disturbed range, if we are not experiencing drooling idiocy, are cognizent about just plain wishing in fact to not be disturbed, or not as disturbed.
There's something textbook, literally, about that last paragraph.
I had a nice Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, (scored great gifts over all, THEY LOVED MY GIFT BASKETS!!! (Read: Ohmygosh, it was all worth it!), Emma was hit with everyone as she was SUCH a good girl and I enjoyed my family overall) and Christmas Dinner, and movie night at my Aunt and Uncle's. All despite wearing a patch a lot and having undiagnosed bronchitis. MMMMmm yummy, I assure you.
So I've been to the Dr. again (NOT the Doc. assistant, which was the first time around -What a joke!) and am on stronger antibiotics and an actual coughing pill. So my dreams are even MORE vivid and I am in a daze during waking hours. So I'm feeling pretty good. Except for the coughs that make me pi** my pants, no joke that really sucks and was the real impetus to get me to go back to the Dr.!! I'm a little young for Depends, ya know? You should hear my sick pleghm filled laughed as I watch you take that one in!!
Well its been two days since I wore a patch and I'm able to hide any evil so well that I think it's pretty obvious that this little health experiment is going to take. By the time I heal from the bronchitis I should be COMEpletely out of nictotine addiction/side effect range, or let's certainly hope so! Too bad these antibiotics don't last forever, I really like being spacy (yet in reality). Yeah, I guess we all do. :)
Thursday, December 21, 2006
I heard the bells on Christmas Day,
their old familiar carols play;
and wild and sweet
the words repeat,
of Peace on Earth,
Good Will to men.
I thought, as now this day had come,
the belfries of all Christendom,
had rung so long
the unbroken song
of Peace on Earth,
Good Will to men.
And in despair, I bowed my head,
"There is no peace on Earth," I said,
"For hate is strong and mocks the song
of Peace on Earth, Good Will to men."
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep,
"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep,
the wrong shall fail,
the right prevail,
with Peace on Earth,
Good Will to men."
Words by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, with music copyrighted in 1956 and 1975.
I am quite sure that Mr. Longfellow lived a while ago, yet I actually cried when I discovered what the second verse is, as how true to how I feel many times, yet the truth is right there: despite hate and the mocking of songs of love, God is not dead, nor does He sleep. Have a beautiful Christmas.
It was the greatest love, the greatest gift of all, and it came wrapped in swaddling clothes in a manger, and it's the best gift we remember Every Year. Tart wishes all: love in their heart, yes, I have some too, and a joyous Christmas. :)
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
AAAAANNNNNHHHHH!!! Wrong blog. Continue Googling.
Nope, bipolars everywhere are just going to nod with me on this one, I think, but I'm not sharing the sordid stuff that caused me to have to be on pills. Sorry. That one will be selling in bookstores in a couple of years.
This evening's bitching will simply state that about 20 minutes ago I took 11 pills. With a cough syrup chaser. This cocktail is a little heavier than usual, made up primarily of my usual evening pills (taken daily) with add-ons of antibiotics, Pre-msyn pills (I will ad drop: that's the only stuff that's even come close to doing what it says), and aspirin.
Is the medicine more bitter than that which I take it for? Usually, no. No big deal that I am a walking pharmacy at age 35. No big deal that I've been doing this since I was 16. No big deal that there's no choice in terms of treating a chronic illness, that may or may not be flaring on a given day. Don't take the cocktails, you WILL descend or rocket up into Hell. Period.
So all that makes it a no brainer, right? Sure, especially if, as Pooh would say, you are little of brain. Maybe a person that wonders what life could be without this particular anvil hanging around their neck might be more concerned? Silly thought. It's yer lot in life. Shine thru, Babe, shine thru despite it all. Use those brain skills for something more significant than that which seems to be passing as self-pity. (LOOK, silly inner voice, I'm just trying to INFORM, okay? Get off my back.)
I'm getting madder and madder. No, that's not crazier and crazier, just angrier and angrier. What I do to curb it all is: Sit very, very still until bad thoughts pass. See what juicy tidbits of survival you can learn from me?
If every idiot that offed themself would just have sat still, made no movement and waited for the thoughts to pass, then got help, well, we'd have a lot less offed idiots. Same goes for people who hurt themselves or, for that matter, end up hurting others.
I don't state my 'staying still' thing as trite at all, because I have to do that a lot especially recently when I am overcome with all 4 of my recent issues, and that especially applies to smoking. I can't light up anymore, I can't deep-breathe carcinogens. I can't scream every time someone pisses me off. Standing still, Honey, until urges are over, is ABOUT ALL I CAN DO. And look how well its working so far!:)
Sounds like nothing right? That's where and why it becomes easy to do. But this one little thing is what is more likely to send me to the funny farm, or just turn me into a screaming banshee with everyone running for their life. Honestly the first (hospitalization) is worse for me. Being a screaming banshee is an admitted release, then after head hits the pillow for sedation I seem better in the morning.
For those who love lists, and complete and utter clarification, I will name the four things that are either simply occuring or I have done to myself to have plunged my life into living hell. For your information and sick enjoyment:
1. Christmas. Yes, that would be me as the sole person to think and do anything for 10 to 12 people that are not even blood linked to me. I will pinpoint this into 'Merry Christmas' as it is one day to impress a bunch of idiots and NOT 'Happy Holidays' because there's not too much happy about them for me that I can see. Do bipolar Jews get to drink and be stupid regardless of medication interaction? Then Chanukkuh's lookin' good to me. Happy Holiday to ya.
2. Like a fool I quit smoking. This is one thing that I am doing, a choice that I have forced upon myself. I have pointedly taken away something that at least at the time that I thought brought joy to me. Yes! I highly recommend torturing oneself in the middle of other activities that are ALMOST equally as torturous all together as a unit, as your main torture. I'm not asking for pity, I am asking for respect. I really believe I have found that I am one of the most monstrously strong individuals comprehensible. And I've realized that there's no one to give props or be proud of me or continue this but me, as there's nobody on Earth that relates to my downward pull into Hell, or the triumph that are my sometimes day to day moments. Why I tell any jerk on the Internet is cause I can. :) That is not to say I'm not appreciative of the people who know me and say something supportive - thank you, both of you. All a tough, bitchin' person needs is a couple of people like that and you rock.
3. I got a cold. Wouldn't it be bad enough just to have a cold, any time of the year, and just feel like smack? Only when I blow my nose hard do I realize my ears are plugged. So I try to only use the extra dopey stuff the Doc gave me at night so my senses aren't completely blunted but what a f*ck it is.
4. Couldn't get much worse, right ladies?! How about that Monthly Visitor? I couldn't make this sh*t up, yes, my period arrived on top of all the other crap. You thought my tirade concerning smoking was unwarranted? Please refer to concepts of me in Hell, once again pulling bootstraps up on own, although I would be such a bitch if I didn't admit prayer to God is what really pulls you up.
While we're talking about God, He's the only One anymore that I trust to discuss this to. Being the rageful biplar that I am He gets a lot of 'hate' mail too. I am mad. Why does he leave these big burdens on me with no one to talk to? I do have some loving friends but at 11 p.m. and later when I'm having an emergency I'm just too must of a thoughtful f*ck to bother them, and that's the truth. I'm pissed at the burden(s), and I'm pissed that I 'seem' to be left alone to shoulder them.
If you put yourself in my place, surely you can see how much sense that makes. Perhaps I should leave this as a warning, don't take on too much cr*p! Somehow, I think the sensible wouldn't dream of doing this to themselves and this will be a page out of my book in the chapter, "How to Make a Normie Laugh At Ya, Since They Know Better Than to OverBurden's Ones Self." Hey you saw it here first.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Apparently we've got a raccoon in the vacinity. I try to go to my Dr.'s appointment this a.m. to finally get my cold treated, and my neighbor is trying to tell me the 'exciting' news that either she or her neighbor have a rabid coon under their shed and Animal Control has been called. That would be the truncated, more easily to understand version as none of it made too much sense at the time...and I had translation later from Mom, cause I didn't want to be late.
We do get critters around here, besides the usual squirrels, and things like opposums and raccoons are exotic for us. Had a 'possum a couple of months ago that required Animal Control's removal. Emma barked like crazy at it so I had to poke it with a stick and it turned around and hissed at me, confirming that it wuz indeed a-live. So I guess my neighbor's trying to save Emma's life frum a po-ten-ti-ally rabid critter. That was nice of her.
Why do people assume bonafide wild animals are always rabid? Seems rare to me that animals do get rabid but perhaps I am naive. I must admit, I thank my in-laws with giving me plenty of projects and things to do for Christmas so that I do not submit to this intoxicating hint of hysteria.
Artic fox. (Webshots)
Nope, we don't see these around here (although I HAVE seen red foxes dashing across roads (luckily not hit), lovely creatures) but this pic plainly shows an upright individual living in a cold a** world. That's how I'm feeling. STILL NO CIGARETTES - DAY 3!!!! When I literally feel my spine bending downward, as it can be wont to do, I straighten up, for me and all the folks that need that sort of thing badly. I have not given in and I'm not gonna. You're looking at a smoke free fox. Here's to mud in yer eye.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Grand Canyon Railroad, Steam Locomotive, #4960 Williams Depot, Arizona, Webshot pic.
Day Two is tootlin' right along. As in second day of no smoking, no cigarretos, nada, zip, haven't had ANY!!
I got to do a little fun shopping, as in, Hallmark shopping. Love that company, the products, yada yada perhaps you've heard it before from me? Well, purchased three more ornaments, all for the very deserving and its just a fun thing to get to look at those. Some have moving parts, like the Ark one and you turn the crank and animals get on two by two. So of course, I find Husband turning the crank and before seeing the sign the pointedly 'asks' you to do so, I said, "You were one of those kids that touched things, even tho you weren't supposed to, huh?" Which was just a silly. See, Husband's told me that he really was one of those rotten, nightmare kids that ran around and was difficult to tame. (Which can't be entirely true, because his brother gave me an adorable pic of Husband, age 4, sitting sweetly in front of his parent's home. Rare moment of stillness? Perhaps.) So, he has assured me that any son of ours is destined to be a hellion, just so I know. SEE!! The real reason we don't have any!!! HA!
Nothing is a shopping downer to this bipolar than having to shop in the boring places. This would include auto parts stores, auto part sections of bigger (and potentially more interesting stores, like Walmart/KMart), places with tools in them AND an Auto Parts section (Sears, you know I'm talking about YOU!), or computer component stores, at least the part of the store with computer stuff I have no earthly idea what they are for. In short, anything Husband is really interested in. So for penance for my Hallmark high, I had to be dragged to the bor-ing section of Best Buy for some com-po-nent to fix Husbands computer. Was so depressed at having to stare at circuit boards, etc., that I didn't even force him to look at movies, an instant perk me up for yours truly.
So, having returned home, computer time is recovery time. Sadly, computer time almost always included a smoke at some point, so that's suckin' for me right now. Oh, happy Sunday. I feel so pure and clean, trying to purge my stinkin' bad BAD habit, even though I haven't stepped a foot into church. :)
All you gotta do is write from the heart babe! Sign up for your blog NOW! (Shouldn't I get a gratuity for this? Blogger you know how to contact me. Don't be stingy.)
Don't worry, she'll find her way down. (Webshots)
Went to a party tonight where nobody asked about my 'kid status.' I felt I should report this since I went off so badly from the last party.
I have had zero (0) cigarettes today. This is on a "God Grant Me Serenity" daily basis thing but I'm kicking it, ahem, not only for the Christmas crowd which I didn't even want to have to explain or deal with, but for good.
Strangely, today has not been so bad. I am wearing the patch, which time has taught me works best for me. Cold turkey would be a joke and today would have been hell for everyone if I took that route. Two major flareups of stress where I had to remind myself that I don't smoke anymore, that I AM BETTER THAN IT (or the need, or cigarettes, or nicotine, or the stink, or its stony finger of death pointed at me) and just got over it. I know how beastly this can be so I'm really waiting for the big one to drop but I have already kicked into the part of me that gets angry and luckily this time its against the right thing. I'm like, I'm not going to mess this up and you/it can't make me. Period.
I guess you call it willpower. When properly channelled, I have lots of it. We ALL know I have willed myself into near-normalcy in the past, and I have in fact kicked the habit in the past. A smoker for ten years, I stopped for three, only to start up this January for some unnameble emotional reason that I have yet to understand. Well, no matter, I'm kicking the crutch out.
There are no fireworks, not much kudos, nobody lives with my demons but me. Since everyone else is busy doing the same, I'm not surprised I don't hear too many 'Wow, good for you's.' Again, got to give yourself the strokes. Cause I am a tough bitch. :)
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Anyhow, a pug meet is where folks bring their pug babies, let 'em off leash and, well, they do what doggies do: run around after each other, sniff each others bottoms, and look for their pug parents forlornly when they realize they are a little lost. If you love pugs its just the funnest thing to be in the prescence of 20 or so snorting little darlings.
So behold, I have a slide show for your enjoyment. I had to stop myself from using the 'disco' version, as it was just hilarious but really lent an inappropriate raunchy tone to it, and these are just innocent little puggies havin' fun. Hope you're not offended by all the bottom sniffin', cause that's what they do! Smiles to you. :)
Friday, December 15, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
But it turns out, at least in Middle America, you are significantly judged by if you have children or not, and if so, how many, how many grandkids that’s produced for you, etc. And if you don’t have kids, is it because you hate kids? (which I guarantee you will lower your amount of party invitations), or if you are unable to have children (oh, poor you), just never had the chance, or whatever is floating through your querers mind, whether they give the list or just start suggesting it. Admitting to not particularly caring for children is akin to being a Nazi or someone who would probably eat their young, so it is reassuring after all that you haven’t produced. But no one wants a Nazi at their party or in their social group.
Not that I have ever responded to any of these queries in a negative way. No, despite the fact that extreme prying is in fact extremely offensive, I try to give answers that reassure and make everyone feel better. Never mind that I’m offended cause I’m more of a medical or research subject than a person, mind you, and certainly my issues are as anathema to these kind of people (and sadly this is quite rampant) that I don’t matter anyway. Certainly, I should be able to understand how important it is for them to discern the answers to these important underlying factors.
Case in point, same party on Sunday. As Husband and I walked into Host’s house he immediately said something to the effect of, “Oh yeah, you guys don’t have kids.” Which is true. So we kind of nodded. Then he says, “Do you want to have kids?” apparently testing for those Nazi tendencies. So, I was not about to be sour immediately upon entering party and I played the game. “Well, I certainly haven’t ruled out having them.” And I kid you not, I actually gestured to the lower half of my torso, where my girl parts do reside, and pretty much said something like “I think they still work.”
This must have satisfactorily proven that we were worthy to enter, to mingle with others, that we were not going to be offended by the existence of children at the party (which we, uh, already knew) and were not going to take anyone’s kid home for a snack.
This is not fiction. This really did happen.
It’s known around the office that Husband and I are childless, however, I would die a thousand deaths if Husband tried to explain to everyone I am Bipolar and that I am doing a really good job of taking care of myself and our animals. I am sure that any discussion or trying to make my life look good to others or even explain it would be met with dazed stares, lack of comprehension and probably some sympathy for Husband for having married such a weird, problem filled, incomprehensibly burdened individual. It’s why we both just avoid it. I’m just not one of those brave, boisterous, idiotic people that puts my problems on a plate for everyone to see and says “See, that’s why.” I will have to work on that in my next life.
Instead, I have a lovely demeanor, oooh especially when I’m ‘on’ and it maketh no sense why I don’t see the sense of having more little me’s to nosy strangers whose its not any business of anyway. It’s not like I treat normies as cruelly as I am treated, quite the opposite, hence why I’ve said many times on this very blog that it takes monster patience to deal with them. It should be no secret why I am presently self-sequestering myself as much as I possibly can, I’ve taken a lot of abuse, in the workplace and face to face. It’s a case of you’ve gotta be the better person and by God that takes so much energy, and I just haven’t mustered it back yet.
Hey, it’s my blog, you get to hear me bitch. It’s my life and I’m telling it to you straight.
But seriously though, men don’t have this problem, not nearly in the same way. It’s just a rotten society and I’m tired of it’s ‘standards’ being shoved on me.
You are now blessed with an additional 'rant.' Enjoy:
I can’t help saying that so many illness are brought on by people themselves. You shove enough sugar into your body, you’ll probably be diabetic. I saw this first hand in my own family. You eat enough crap and watch TV or sit all day, you’ll probably get heart disease or a lovely form of cancer. You don’t deal with your problems, neurologists are waiting to diagnose you. The list is endless of the fact that many people bring their own probs right onto themselves, whether they want to admit it or not, and I certainly don’t think they set out to or even mean to.
I was born with this. Officially diagnosed at 16, I could easily look back and see the bipolar behavior personally from as young as 5 and I bet my Mom could take it farther back then that. So what is all this about? I’ve have this forever, I did not bring it upon myself, it's hereditary, and it is debilitating (even the Federal Government thinks so). I’ve been breaking my back to pretend to be normie all my life – and yet still I must be subjected to discussion of everyone’s ills as though they were a badge of honor, whether in the line at the grocery store and at some party, yet never discuss my own because that would just be too much for most people. Am I cranky and pissed and tired of it all? Yeah, and I have every right to be.
It is unconscionable that every party and every 40 and up woman who is not actually too busy tending to the actual children will, at some point, go on a tirade about how either how I SHOULD have kids, or that I simply cannot understand real love if I only have furbabies.
I do not shove my furbaby life on anyone. I do not inform complete strangers of their inadequacies as a human being simply being they don’t have one or understand that kind of love. PLEASE, for the love of God STOP DOING IT TO ME, especially by using your wretched children and your wretched life to guilt me.
Are YOU going to pay my psych bills, my medication, or compensate for the angst, worry and emotional distress of my family as I go into psychosis and give birth in a Quiet Room while utterly insane? Do YOU have ANY COMPREHENSION, really, of MY LIFE? How can you be so selfish to assume that I am selfish by not producing offspring. Do I have to explain to every idiot that I am bipolar and in fact, so far, been very responsible to my illness?
Yes, I went to a party on Sunday, and yes I did run into this problem again, from total strangers. I was ‘on’ so to speak, my very social self and talking to everyone and having fun. I talked in length to some poor woman who could barely get into her seat, cane and everything. We were having a lovely conversation about furbabies, I about my present and most recent ones, her about her most beloved dog, which she admitted that at that time was like a child to her. This went on for some time. Then somehow in the end it soured when she informed me that you don’t have a bond with a dog like that after having children. I suggested that perhaps it was because you get busy with the children and you can’t really bond with dog the same way. I really was trying to be my most empathetic, she knew that was all I have known, and it was never a cut on her, her children, her God or her Country. She proceeded to tell me that the dog got plenty of love, as the children gave it more attention than she ever could and that I just couldn’t understand because I didn’t know the joy of children. Conversation over, she somehow got herself up and that was it.
That has pissed me off ever since. If I had simply got up after her initial tirade of 5 children, 12 grandchildren obviously an enormous sense of pride for her (and good for her) I could have cut off further crap and the eventual inevitable guilt trip. I am not accepting the guilt trip, I’m just pissed that people try it over and over and OVER again. I don’t need this. The upshot is that I feel now that when I see these people who obviously are bursting to tell me about their kids and grandkids I just shut down. I don’t share who I am, I don’t want to talk to them. I am already pissed that I can’t talk about bipolar like most people talk about their arthritis, high blood pressure, Diabetes or heart disease, lumbago, cancer, nervous disorder, what have you. I always feel that I must have that demeanor of someone who does not suffer, as it is not socially acceptable to discuss it. To talk about your offspring and the wonderfulness is socially acceptable, not a mental illness with a big rotten stigma that would take 40 minutes to pontificate fully about anyway.
So if I can’t talk about my reality and have to pretend I’m not even in it, you all can keep your big fat mouths shut and stop completely pissing me off. Oh I guess the right people will never even see this, cause they too busy with their kids. Well, pass it on, would ya?
Monday, December 11, 2006
That would correlate with my view of the dating public being either Superficial as compared to Just Plain Smart and In Reality, with just over half going for Jude's supposed superficial naughty good LOOKS and nearly half for Jack's bad boy, silly, exuberant, funny PERSONALITY (and I'm putting it out there -he's cute too!). Not to mention that Mr. Black seems true blue to his wife, adores his new son and seems MUCH less likely to bonk the baby sitter/nanny, merely on principle alone.
After all, being smart, comical, grounded and fun ~ with personality ~ couldn't possibly outlast Botox and a drained back account for every court case paying off every nanny and minor a guy has come in contact with, could it? Yeah, I think we found a winner in Jude Law here. What a smackdown.
What are people thinking?
I'd just like to say I would like to have been alerted to answering that poll, as we all know I would have upped the pool by voting 250 or more times for Mr. Black. You see, a date with that guy would be awesome because he'd be sitting across you sipping his wine trying to seem normal while harboring, basically, the inability to carry it off, which is all I ever do in life. Then, a look would come over his eyes, sort of like inner darkness welling up within. Next, the eyebrows, the curling of the lips - now you know you're in for it. It will be like an explosion, perhaps literally, his gut swells forward, buttons popping off his tux (I am not saying this is a bad thing) and the table is rocked too and fro because he can't take the foo fooness of it ANYmore (the resturant) or perhaps he's got a great idea he's been mulling and he can control it NO LONGER. Wow! Talk about the passion, the fun, the hilarity of it all. Whatever happens after that you feel like you are talking to a real guy, who has 'good energy' as they say, perhaps even one who experiences mania occasionally :) or really just knows how to have fun and be silly.
Date with Jude Law: sips his wine and booores you to death with his foo foo English accent on topics you can't understand because they're Eeeennglish. He thinks you want him because 54% of People readers think they do, but what neither they nor he understand is that he is utterly boring. A person like this can only get sex from minors or bored costars because they are the only ones stupider than People readers to fall for it (minus myself, of course. I read it merely for research/educational purposes). Sooo, you fall asleep in your Fren du pah pah soup, waking up alone thanking yourself that you got rid of him, if only your face weren't covered in soup to do so.
I think this is a no brainer, unless you like leaving foo foo restaraunts covered in soup.
This is for you Tenacious D ;)
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Wednesday, December 6, 2006
To toot my own horn, I am impressed by my own resilience. I was just inches close to returning all baskets (just baskets cause I want to fill them myself) to my craft store and hand out $10 gift cards. Never one to want to make people uncomfortable with my 'lavish' gifts I was ready to give up. And I was very cranked and horrible to live with during that week, I assure you.
But plans are resumed. Thanks to mysti, I will be apple buttering and vanilla loaf baking to my hearts content since she gave me these recipes and heck, the idea for it, too. I've been planning this since October and NOBODY's GONNA STEAL MY BLISS.
I've realized I'm one of those people that really enjoys giving things at Christmas. I don't expect reciprocation, I'm not working toward getting better gifts, I just want to make things that turn out to my satisfaction and see joy on at least one person's face. I'm honestly not really sure how that fits into the Gift of Christ, as that's what the season is really all about, but the things I just stated are what gives me joy about it. Also, I love the feeling of conceiving a notion and seeing it all the way through, like I did with my Thanksgiving brownies, ribbon, tag and all. It didn't matter that it was extra work, or that no one wraps brownies like little presents for Thanksgiving. The entire affair made me enormously happy. Think of product, make product, wrap product pretty, hand out product. You heard it here!
This is not me today! No sir! I woke up at 7 a.m. hit the convenience store for the essentials: V8, skim milk, and Mountain Dew. Then to McD's for some non-filling breakfast (their food is fun to eat but it doesn't stick to you) which I brought home to Hubby who is on the slow boat to getting to work. Poor guy. On a day that I've gone out and done something, separated all my laundry colors (which got a ton of stuff off my bedroom floor) and have a load swishing away right now, checked my email, read my NYT's, looked wistfully at clothes online, he is not quite with us and waiting for life to get better after shower.
Well, Tart, you'd say, that sounds awfully manic of you! The thing is, I don't FEEL manic. I feel awake and clear. Everyone has been b*tching at me forever, wake up, do something with your life, do laundry, clean this and I do it and its practically no fun cause everyone else is puffy-eyed and hating life.
Sucks to be you! Enjoy slaving at your job today. Hey, mania's what got me out that rat race in the first place! :)
Sunday, December 3, 2006
Friday, December 1, 2006
Thursday, November 30, 2006
I admit that I own 'Kitchen Aide' with kitty sitting in the middle of dishes in the sink. I've lost track of its location in my house and I haven' t done the work yet, but it can't be too bad because we're talking about working mostly in black thread.
I have bought my first real cross stitch patterns over Ebay recently. A pattern shouldn't be confused with a kit because it is simply the pattern with a picture of what it will be, no floss or any other extras.
My purchases came from England from star_charts. I think they will all be beautiful in the year 2030. I say that because the finished product will be HUGE, as in 25"x20" in at least one case. I will need a lifetime supply of gift certificates to my local craft store, just to purchase the floss. But I am okay with that, since I knew I was going to have to do that. The only thing I'm not sure of is how to read the chart. I'm wondering if I'm supposed to take the many (13) pages and lay them all together to 'see' it.
My most favorite among the three is 'Scarlet O'Hara.' Tons of gorgeous burgundy, my fave, in her flowing dress (the costumes are one of my favorite things in 'Gone With the Wind') whilst she sits on the famous red steps. Then there's a huge pug cross stitch chart which seems perfect to someday hang on our wall as pug is our life. I also got a Christmas door chart which looks just like the in-laws front door. I was planning on killing myself to get it done for next Christmas, but as you can guess from the post below, I now pretty much don't give a cr*p anymore. It takes me eons to do the tiny 'Stitch n Hangs' that are about as small as a kit will come and I'm definitely not going into overdrive for the ungratefuls.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
I guess we 'lost our mind' when we gave gift baskets, from a company, to everyone as thanks for their attendance at our wedding that year. We thought it was worth it, from all the shower and wedding gifts we received and the fact that his side was very much in attendance, when honestly we figured 5 people would attend our nuptuals.
She informs me that NOone in the family gives gifts larger than $25 worth. So I now feel like I'm working in a place that gives Secret Santa gifts with a limit.
I guess then too, it would be crazy what I had planned since October to give the family. Since we're driving I thought we would have the space to bring the gift baskets I planned to MAKE this year for my husband's relatives with stuff I make and little gifts that you find at Walmart or Target
There are many things wrong with what my MIL said. It makes me want to return the baskets that I bought from a local craft store and give them each a bag of pennies. I was sooooo looking forward to making and doing stuff and seeing the looks on their faces, but now I just couldn't give a cr*p. Further, since we're driving, MIL and her Precious (my SIL now, or should I just call her Princess) have now loaded up our vehicle with their gifts to their family. They always assumed it was okay, even though I told MIL that we really were going to be loaded up this year. Whatever, from her. The solution: buy my husband a car top carrier as his Christmas present. What other time of year are we going to need that thing?
Talk about killing the Christmas spirit. I can't take those baskets back because I shredded the receipt never thinking I'd want to back out. I don't even want to go. It's a week long thing, a 14 hour drive and I don't want to spend one week pretending to a normie (albeit a 'lazy' one with no job. It will be put in my face many times over, I predict) when I just want to tell them to go to hell. If they are all as cheap as my MIL, if they can't even be thankful and instead feel uncomfortable just to get a nice gift, like MIL makes it sound then that is the saddest f'n Christmas story I have ever heard. Besides making me mad at MIL, she has managed to make me mad at all of them. Good job.
It's all probably a load of cr*p anyway, insinuating that EVERYone was just so overwhelmed to receive a frickin' gift basket. It's probably just her as she is beyond cheap and has no skills except finding the perfect sale and clearance items. For the record, not only is this the only way she finds joy in life, but she has the unbelievable gall to actually tell a recipient of a gift from her that she did not pay the price (she leaves on the tags), in fact it was practically free. And she is proud of herself for this activity.
So I've been told what we are talking about is jealousy. I was like, No way can she be jealous of me. But none of it makes me feel better. I think I should be figuring out how to can or make one of the things that was going to go in everyone's basket. I have zero desire. I just don't want to. I can't help wondering if everyone in the family really is that cheap or so weird that they would feel uncomfortable by a nice gift. Why the heck should I care? It's NOT MY FAMILY. Don't you hate the lie that married intos count as much as the blood relatives. I'm breaking my back for someone else's relatives/ingrates? Why? Stop the madness. I need to find a lot of pennies, and fast.
Why do I even have to be subjected to this? My husband literally says, 'Because you are my wife.' I guess I should say 'Good bye City Life! Green Acres heeeere weee come!'
Monday, November 27, 2006
My Siamese has even bluer eyes, but these are fantastic! Blue eyed barn kitten: this pic was put on the web by Lyn Winans, Minden, ON.
Friday, November 24, 2006
This thing called bipolar? Its h*ll. You can't have it without it having/owning you. Its not a sidedish of existence, it is existence, for the people who really truly have it. It consumes you whole because it can't even be split off. There is no this is it, and this is not it.
Either you feel like a piece of cr*p for always having to battle, or exultant for having to fight so hard. Do you feel that dear reader? Can you even understand that kind of battle and the oft draining strength that it demands?
You're either here to figure out what its like (for reasons I'm not so sure I approve of) or to commiserate. To my commiserators: May God bless you. You are not alone. Keep the faith.
More and more I am finding a roaring strength within. Instead of complete abject or slight fear when thinking about some situations I find myself kicking a##. Just imagining yourself doing this can be very powerful. I really don't have to take cr*p anymore. Why should I? I have taken/experienced more of it than most, so people's petty issues, based on judgements that don't even fit anyway, mean nothing. Sometimes we put up with things to keep the peace or in an attempt to be respectful toward someone. I have realized that if a person, say out on the 'street,' or a relative that I try really hard not to go off on insists on pushing me, there is nothing wrong with me telling them that's unnecessary, keep it civil if possible, but not stay quiet just because you're afraid to of fend. After all, they certainly weren't. Get a backbone. It's kind of essential to life.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Nov. 20, 2006 3:21 p.m. ET
Tom's fairytale wedding
(Kellyanne Dignan, "Scarborough Country" producer)
So now that all the TomKat dust has settled, the rose petals have been cleaned up and the happy couple is on their Honeymoon, I have to ask -- where was the Dawson's Creek reunion? While I never doubted the wedding of the century would be attended by Hollywood Scientologists A and C list alike, I do admit I hoped to spy a few of Katie Holmes former co-stars in the wedding photos.
Joshua Jackson, Katie's sometimes on and off-screen "Dawson's Creek" boyfriend joked with reporters while promoting his new film "Bobby" that he wasn't even invited. He also says he hasn't talked to Katie since she cruised into Tom's orbit.
So, what's the deal? Maybe it's as simple as Katie just doesn't get on with her former co-stars? It's possible, but I did notice this TomKat wedding was really more about Tom than Kat. It seems the guests, the ceremony, and yes even the publicly released wedding photo are all about Tom.
Robert Evans / Reuters
Actor Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes pose for their official wedding portrait in Lake Braccino, Italy in this photo released to Reuters November 18, 2006. EDITORIAL USE ONLY REUTERS/Robert Evans/Handout (ITALY)
I have to admit I'm not so much a fan of TomKat's official wedding photo. The couple used famed L.A.-areaphotographer Robert Evans who took the photos at Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston's wedding. The now defunct Braniston were another Hollyweird couple who released just one official photo. But their picture tells a different tale.
While in the long run it obviously didn't work out, the couple looks equal and happy in the photo. That's perhaps the most perplexing part of the TomKat photo. Either Katie is slumped or Tom is wearing lifts because it's the first picture I've seen with a taller Tom. And while Katie looks happy, Tom just looks like he is posing.
Now a wedding is a time to be happy for the couple whether they are friends or strangers, so Tom and Katie I salute you. But Katie remember you're a tall woman with a decent career (and as Jennifer Aniston can tell you these things don't always work out), so don't cruise too far off your own path.
Post borrowed from "Regular Joe," 'Talking about issues that matter to a regular Joe," Scarborough, written by Kellyanne Dignan, Scarborough Country producer, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15624439/#061120a, Nov. 20, 2006 post.
Alright, well personally I think despite any 'talent' Mrs. Cruise might have had, its flushed down the drain now. Forever and always, whether this marriage works or not she will be thought of as Mrs. Tom Cruise, which might be pretty great if he is still backing her, and if not, she will have to find some serious inner strength. I Don't think this one is as talented as Nicole Kidman and would probably have a very hard time putting things back together again.
I found it notable in the companion MSN story about the wedding that Katie walked to the altar surrounded by people in medieval costumes and the beat of drums. Much like Marie Antoinette on that fateful walk to the guillotine, no?
Perhaps the reason Tom is not looking so happy on his wedding day is he might be a tad O-ver it on Katie being the 'most amazing woman in the world.' I think there may have been sitings of the most amazing woman in the world in Spain, no maybe it was Italy or France, wait - walking in EveryTown, USA? Not unlike weddings for the rest of us shmucks, maybe he's doing it for her and their born-out-of-wedlock child (stats on MSN show 4 out of every 10 are now born this way, again to us shmucks and a growing number of celebrities, alike). Also, Katie's got on her side that she is Catholic and if this marriage ends, she can annul it just like Nicole did hers, start anew and still get married to hopefully less of a weirdo, and with the Pope's blessing.
Tom will be looking for wife number four, someone willing to fling her own religion aside and marry into his made-up one. I'm thinking she will be about eighteen years old and/or a little mentally challenged, 'cause its getting harder and harder to find someone to fall for it. He'll really mean it when he calls her, "special."
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
pic off of one the 'housewife blogs' I visited once. How's that for citation!
Microwave cleaning: Hate it! I prefer cleaning surfaces that will not only come clean, but looks like you did something, and will stay that way.
None of which describe microwave cleaning.
Many years ago, I returned home to my apartment after being away during the weekend to find a note on the microwave from my roomate's mother stating, "Clean after every use." Despite the note interestingly enough being in roomate's handwriting, I knew precisely where it came from, as Mother performed her routine inspections during the weekend and roomate would never have the balls to think of this or boldly message me this way otherwise. Well anyhow, this was the last straw in a long litany of Type A, ridiculous insane behaviors by roomate/her mother that I had already endured up to that point. That and roomate screaming at me for utterly no reason put the nail in the coffin of "I'm getting the h*ll out of here!" And so I searched and moved.
Moral of the story: Think twice before putting the "Clean Microwave After Every Use" sign on it, as it may well spell the end of having a roomate to bother about it. And roomate will be traumitized for the rest of their life, holding a grudge and microwave cleaning hatred for life.
Russian Tiger: One of the most beautiful creatures on Earth. On endangered list. Why? The selfishness of people.
It should not surprise you that people would kill one of the most beautiful creatures on Earth for their own purposes, just to make a few dollars or simply for their own sick and may I say entirely illegal purposes.
People do this every day, to themselves and other humans. To kill the soul of any living creature is not off limits to many people. It's the same reason people can abuse the sweetest of creatures: children or their own pets. Or other people for that matter.
Tart tells it to you straight. I'm real and never thought to be anything less than that. Know, those of you that are sweet and loving, that there are plenty that are NOT real, not themselves on the net. Be careful who and what information you put your trust in. As a sign that I mean this I am putting here, for all the world to see, the site for CyberAngels www.cyberangels.org associated with the bonafide original Guardian Angels and the originator for the Guadian Angels, Curtis Sliwa. Read and take to heart internet safety, it applies to all of us, and if you or someone you love is ever a victim, don't hesitate to contact them. This kind of thing is so serious that the FBI can be consulted: yes, attempting to destroy another online, as well as in the real world, is a federal offense.
I said to Husband that there is no justice in this world and that it is though we are commanded to try anyway, yet get shot down so often that it can't help but bring you down. Maybe, in many cases.
If a criminal is not caught and skewered in this life you can be sure that person will pay in the next. There truly is Ultimate Justice, it is not a fable in the Bible, nor an opt out for anyone. The human heart is completely open to the Lord and every single one will be judged by Him, perhaps bad people should consider this a little more carefully, as this is an absolute truth. However, that does not mean that we don't continue to legally punish the deserving while on Earth. Imprisonment or sending someone to meet their maker early is to protect the rest of us because we cannot flourish and live with trash around us.
The best thing you can do in truth is not only living your life knowing that it will be analyzed in the next but knowing that He, the Lord, is here for you, yes every moment, right now! Yes, that means he is ready and waiting to help each of us through this test, actually many tests (which I believe this existence is). For those that haven't considered yet to taking this to heart, He really is waiting for you to start.
But what attracts many to the tiger, above? Not just its beauty but its strength and its possiblity for rage because they do no take kindly to being provoked. They let you know when they are mad and that is their perogative. Most wouldn't ever want to upset it because it would tear you up. Righteous rage is a powerful thing, and it seems that my particular brand of bipolar, especially when I turn into an angry manic, taps me right into that. So I leave you with a reality check today. Don't worry about any angst I might have at the moment, I'm gonna go take out with my bowling ball and the pins this evening. Bon soir, all!
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Often the average public is advertised to that watches show your personality, they are a window into your worth as a human. This is usually in the effort to sell you the diamond studded wonder for women, sometimes even men, or the expensive, multifunctional man watch.
Interestingly the people who could afford such things easily, stars, celebrities, the rich, claim to not ever wear one. Turns out, when you are rich there must be a plethora of trusted people around that you can ask the time of, or your publicist makes sure that you get to those important places on time.
They like the freedom, these celebs say, of living in the moment. This right there tells you that their moments are better than the rest of us, as most average everyday folks don't have the 'freedom' to not know or care what time it is.
When I think of people that really do need watches, college students come to mind. I think every college student should have a watch, preferably a digital one that goes off ten minutes before every class. This would be especially great if they are already in the class before it. Everyone in class loves a loud annoying beeping sound while in the throes of learning something important. It would be even better than cellphones, cause everyone has those cool rings tones now and you can tell so much about a person by their cellphone ring. A loud annoying beep, beep is great for waking up the sleepers in class as well. It shows that you are timely, care about time, are really into academic life and quite possibly that you are Type A, which may help attract other Type A's, essentially a big boost to your social life.
There is so much to rant about cellphones, I'll just say this. Society is getting more and more pathetic each day, when you have to be told to turn the thing off. Movies, doctors offices, nursing homes, are the main ones I can think of, perhaps you can think of more. Anyway, courtesy is dead. Gone. I don't want, I swear this truly, to hear your phone conversation, not even if Martin Scorsese is offering you a part in his next movie. And the best bumper sticker I ever saw read: 'Hang Up and Drive.' Now people in their cars have to tell you to get off it. Since etiquette and courtesy are dead, its no wonder, since most people don't have the sense God gave them, or at least made available for their use.
I thought of this while baking brownies today and using my trusty Sunbeam timer (which I recommend). I recalled some page in a past People magazine where stars expounded their lack of watch. At least Scarlett Johanssen had the sense to admit that she looks at her cellphone for the time. Hmmm, good one. A little sneaky really, but a darn good idea which made me think of doing the same.
Tart doesn't really have anything against watches. But I'm home a lot, am on my computer a lot and low and behold the time shows at the bottom of my screen. I pass a few clocks here and there in the house and in fact we have no less than three alarm clocks in our bedroom, which I have shut off. Perhaps it is a bit of miracle that I get to appointments on time but I manage off of clocks, not anything personal stuck on me. After all, Tart does have time to enjoy the moments as I very much shun society, working that sort of thing. If I go somewhere, say the dreaded grocery store, I just do what I'm doing and not worry too much about time, except to make sure I'm home for Husband and make that evening home cooked dinner. Perhaps I am a celebrity undercover, living in the moment. Husband says I'm just lazy and has even started working on me to either get a job or get better at the one I kinda have (Domestic Goddess). I try really hard but it never seems good enough, so I say the heck with him, I'm here to make myself happy. When you don't have kids it makes it super easy to work towards that goal. Although I have plenty of time and space on this thing, I'll stop now.
He hooked into the serious tone of Law and Order quite easily and Husband did not believe or see right from the beginning who he was because of his scrubbiness at the onset. After getting 'cleaned up' after 10 days of antidepressants he looked like himself, albeit much older than his comic incarnations, and Husband said, "Oh, that is Jerry Lewis!"
Jerry's antidepressants turn him into a manic state, eventually into psychosis, as explained to us by the dear doctor on show, and Dr. makes a point of saying in rare cases this can occur. I can tell you right now that I am one of those 'rare cases,' so I was right on it watching what Jerry would do. We see the psychosis clearly, when Jerry's character pushes a deserving criminal into a train, after being convinced (as are the rest of the characters on the show) that this is a very bad man getting away with murder. We know or believe that he would not normally have done this, as he is so remorseful in the end that he says that he deserves to be punished and won't take any further meds. I think the message was also, I don't want to take more meds, look what the idiots (and the meds) did to me in the first place, which to me, though I know the truth of how dangerous it is to give on medication, seems very understandable even to a lay person, since they screwed him up so bad last time.
I don't think I can say too much bad about his performance as he seemed to really tenderly play a person with mental illness, and a good believable bipolar. Of course(I say this because in the public's view its 'only natural'), he commits a crime, but an understandable and thankful one. It was a good nice venue to introduce to the public that in fact, antidepressants can go awry, that while yes they can save a person from the depths of depression they can also carry you right into crazierland, as I know from first hand experience. Difference between me and Jerry's character is that I did not have to commit a crime to get help, just make an arse of myself being crazy and be so bad off that it could not help to be noticed. Hello people, the mentally ill are not outright criminals (I know many, and they are often sweet as pie), but you'd never know it watching T.V. However this venue brought out a lot of great hidden talents in Jerry Lewis and he did a service to our cause. To be so brilliant in a hidden, finally released way seems in itself so much like bipolar.
It would have been nice if there could have been more emphasis in the end on how really beneficial taking meds would be, the right ones designed for, in this case, a person who fluctuates greatly in mood instead the ones strictly for unipolar depression - because the right ones found for a person's specific chemistry are miracle workers! To go from not right, to much more right makes a HUGE difference in a person's life, and if they are going to educate on the supposedly small fraction of people who go from antidepressant to manic, educate that meds can be found to control that irreversible state, and it wouldn't have been so hard to make a more substantial point-out of that on the show. I can't go back to being unipolar, but I can take care of my needs, including the right meds, now that I've reached a new, different stage of illness. Anyway, thanks Jerry for a job well done.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Young Buddhist Monks, Cambodia
Hagi Castle Garden, Western Honshu, Japan
Junket in Victoria Harbor, Hong Kong, China
I love it when I find a theme amongst my maaany Webshot pictures. Today, your mission is to think of the zillions of adventures available here on planet Earth. And treasure the beautiful moments.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to decline in health, although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve.
After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only 'orphans' that could be found quickly, were a litter of weaner pigs. The zookeepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger.
Would they become cubs or pork chops?? Take a look........ you won't believe your eyes!!
Love can conquer all, can it not? From an absolutely rockin' email I received today!
A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?""Oh, that?" she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
From this month's online Lion Brand catalog which sells their yarn. :)
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Since I am bipolar and I sometimes have to do the simple things that many normies take for granted, included here is a simple list I have for myself for tomorrow:
1. Get up early enough to eat breakfast at breakfast time. I am so looking forward to my breakfast bar or dried scrambled egg concoction, as my months of not going to the grocery store (a related bipolar issue) has caused me to somehow not be in possesion of my skim milk, so pre-portioned cereal in its own prepackaged bowl will have to wait for another morning. I must say I feel like a bit of an idiot paying a company to simply portion my cereal to me. If I liked cereal I would already be eating it. But this is a time of testing, I shall eat what they gave me and customize later. I am prepared for a potentially bland diet, I assume I have to give something up (taste?) to give up the fat and fling it to wherever invisible place that fat doth go.
2. I'm looking forward to my shower. My hair is ready for an oil change, and since I'm planning to actually rise in the a.m. I have made the important and stunning decision to wait until morning to do it. I had to choose to wait as much thought was put into when the all-important hair cleansing would occur. This is an added self-inflicted, competitive pressure upon myself to do three simple things that every working normie thinks nothing about (get up/take shower/eat~maybe not in that exact order).
3. I will stay awake. I will not go back to bed, despite any morning dementia experienced, wipe the drool, and ACTUALLY HAVE ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY IN WHICH TO ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING. I am already dizzy thinking of the possiblities.
Why on Earth, you ask yourself, would a person make a list of such inane, everyday activities. It lets you into my mind, people, and shows how not so far away from the actually mentally challenged that I am. Good evening, and may the morning bring stunning, dazzling accomplishments to us all! :)
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
I would like to live in a place of peace like this. I would love to own my own farm or ranch with acres of land if nothing to be away from a trillion idiots.
As it is, I don't. I live in a 'burb with every house is nearly 10 feet away from each other in a town or area that is apparently so wonderful that more and more people pour into it every day. I have lived in the exact same house since I was 7 years old, literally only leaving to live on campus a few years and later to share an apartment with a roomate or two. Only to have to return to said house after being ill. This was in fact a huge favor and wonderful thing, because the only other option was residential living with other mentally ill women. So while I see people who had no other choice and had to do this, the most they could ever look forward to is Section 8 housing on their own.
If you ever wonder if the government is in fact controlling reproduction or coupledom of the mentally ill all you have to look at are the strict guidelines for overnight stays etc., as though your mother or R.A. were still monitoring you. Unless a mentally ill person has a sugar mama or daddy to help them out of their situation, they will most likely be bachelors and bachelorettes for life. None of this happened to me, because my mom is lib-er-al and I was already an adult with a relationship coming back into the home situation. And I essentially have a Sugar Daddy. Otherwise I would be poor as pie, probably wouldn't even have a computer to blog with and you would never know about my fasc-in-ating life.
Yeah, so its been awhile since I dished on my day. I had the eye doctor appt. and they were so great with me. Turns out my vision has improved, literally three notches, since my last visit. :) I am sooo excited because I am getting new glasses! They have rhinestones on the sides, very contemporary shape and get this, come with fitted magnetic sun shades that have rhinestones in butterfly shape on each side that kind of give them the catseye look of yesteryear (retro good)! Now this may hideous to some, but I was absolutely enamored with them and I have the feeling I will look like everyone's first grade teacher or Elton John. Either way, they go with everything that is flambouyant about me and I am ready to embrace that part of myself. I am all prepared for someone to say something derogatory about them. So far my rehearsed response is:"So tell me, which bothers you more: that I would have the courage to wear things that make me feel great, or the fact that you don't?" Pretty good, huh?!
What might have helped this experience is that when I sat down with the lenses person she said, "Are you wearing perfume? Who makes that? It smells sweet but not overpowering." I told her it was Celine Dion and that I liked it for the same reason and that I don't even own any other perfume. Then she looked uncomfortable and said, "I guess that was a weird silly question." And I emphatically stated, "No, not at all! What's the use of wearing it if someone doesn't notice!" I honestly think that being that honest put her at ease and we got along so well that she even asked me if I had any other insurance, to help pay for everything. Well, it was a nice experience all around and I can't wait to pick up my new glasses next week!!
Then, bowling. There are just a handful of teams in our league and of course this means you play the same people over and over. This week: my most un-favorite team. I don't not mind getting tromped, and its great that they are consistently very good bowlers. Problem is that the majority of the people on this team know it and are terribly arrogant and pompous. Again, I could take that, it would seem understandable. The real problem is that they are unsportsmanlike and make comments. I really believe this is because they are so good that they are bored with every strike and spare and need to be this way for the excitement. But it is no fun to put up with. In particular, the female team captain enrages me, to the point that I'm mere inches away from truly telling her off. Perhaps if we just spread the rumor that I am bipolar and have been a mental hospital (or two) would put a little proper fear in them. Otherwise, I have no problem telling her that she needs to keep the nasty to herself. She has no idea how much I want to hit her and I'm trying real hard to keep it that way. Good bipolar!! Down girl!
Well, to continue the rant on where I live, I want to go somewhere beautiful and safer. My mom realized that someone had rifled through her car, as it was pretty obvious. Like I said, we have lived in this area for nearly 30 years and it doesn't surprise me that she hasn't yet seen the need to lock her car doors. I of course have been paranoid from the get-go and constantly and always lock doors, but bless Mom's heart she truly is the trusting sort. Those days are over, at least concerning her car. What really gets me is the utter disrepect and break of your trust this kind of thing is. Nothing was taken but it just enrages me that someone would walk up our driveway and think its okay to check out our stuff. Yet another form of human e vil. I don't need these masses of people. It does no good because no one looks out for each other and now people are around all the time, driving and walking by and you don't know them. When I see how seemingly normal adults can be so stupid whether its bowling, driving, or really any contact with them I thank God that I don't live with them and that there are some spaces on this planet that are yet still MY world, MY space. Yet the bastards want to impinge on that too.
Total thought change: I have signed up for NutriSystem. This is after watching Mom lose 40 pounds and talking to my Dad who have been convinced to try it by Mom, is still on it and after a month and a half estimates he's lost about 20 pounds. Now, men lose fat or weight much easier than women and I'm not on any comparison track with either of them, but really according to doctor advice I really need to do something. Many of you know I'm on blood pressure meds, Lipitor along with my various other sundries and it just gets worse if you don't lose the weight. So I'm taking the plunge. I'm not really worried about Thanksgiving because its basically one day, and I plan to follow NutriS. all day and eat a sensible dinner. I'm really just excited to go (in-laws) because I have fantastical plans to make brownies wrapped up in saran wrap, ribbons and litte turkey tags that say "Happy Thanksgiving." I'm hoping to make enough to spread the joy to other people I know. Anyhow, I thought I coould wait until January, to get through Christmas, as that will be a week far away with in-inlaws and gives me more trepidation, but I thought why should I wait when I could be doing myself some good for a month and half earlier and I deserve to take care of me. Maybe mentally its a Christmas and life! present to myself.
If you wonder, I really do not 'look' like two ton Annie, an amazing amount of my flab seems evenly proportioned and I'm lucky that way. But number wise and health wise it is all there, taking a serious toll on me. I believe that if I don't try (again) to make a difference and get this OFF me, I will be even bigger, taking more meds and stealing the beautiful future I additionally imagine for myself. Energy, dancing, movement, more fun with clothes even. NutriSystem is not going to fix me. I have to get up earlier (go to bed earlier) and exercise. I have quietly been trying to fix my sleeping problem, try to go to bed earlier in an effort to stop snoozing all day. I did this in correlation with signing up for NutriSystem because the whole thing is meant to be breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner. I hope that if I truly follow this (and I am experiencing a lifestyle change just with my sleeping pattern change) then I will stop the e v il known as night time eating. Sleep late, no body movement (exercise) and eat late - I'm surprised I'm not the size of a house!! The key and truth here is I still believe I can change. I have not lost my belief that if something is wrong with me, I can change it. That one thing can rock the planet, if more people would embrace this simple truth.
So there you have it. The mega update on my life and what I have been percolating lately. I've been quiet, premenstrual, postmenstrual and ALL that good stuff, and probably holding in a lot. So it must spew out sometime, one must exhale, and there you have it.
Monday, November 13, 2006
As a matter of fact, today confirms that I *must* buy a can of Cheeze Whiz, because I'm pretty sure Emma would jump through fire to get some. You know your vet is top notch when they use it to get through any procedure. I see a huge potential savings on anesthesia too - Nah, she doesn't need it, just keep the Whiz comin'! (That is a joke people. I suggest you try this with a relative and their favorite snack. Or yourself. Not me, though. :)
More appointments for me in the near future: tomorrow ~ the eye doctor. Then bowling. I am on a league, in case I have not iterated that before. I don't think dilating my eyes should be necessary, after all I'm bipolar, big wide dilated eyes are a good way to spot us! Next day, dentist. Hubby and I to go at the same time. So if I was 10 to 15 years old I'd be all set to go out for sports, since it seems like I'm getting my physical this week. Hmmm, that's why I like bowling, no physical and in most bowling alleys you can smoke and eat their fatty foods to your hearts content. ESPN swears that it's a sport and it's probably one the rare things that I would watch on their illustrious channel.
Anyway, everyone should have something to love as much my Puggie loves Cheez Whiz! Tart, out.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
This is one of 16 pandas recently born in China. Just one of the very adorable pics I stole out of an email about it.
Tomorrow the babies are going to the vet. Emma needs her Bordatella shot (prevents kennel cough) and she has these small bumps for no reason. Poor Reese, my Siamese, has a swollen right eye and what sincerely looks like pus leaking out of it! Yummy, I know. I am NOT losing another cat, not to anything, so I will attempt an early get up time to make his appointment, preferably when Emma's is (she's already set to go tomorrow.) Hah! Reese is NOT a good travel companion and is truly the most manic kitty I've ever seen in the vet room. Please think of me and prayers are accepted. :)
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Wednesday, November 8, 2006
A real miracle has occurred. Something that budded right here in blogland has bloomed out in the real world and it truly is a beautiful, precious thing.
mysti of a place to journal and I met over the weekend! Now I know blog readers have wondered where I have been for so long, and it just seems like I got busy with other things, things that didn’t include posting. But I have been thinking about just how I would write this special post and I apologize that it’s taken me so long to get it here.
How neat is it that an utterly wonderful, beautiful fellow blogger would live near enough for us to go visit on a weekend? I call this post ‘Rose in November’ because I thought it interesting and strangely beautiful that flowers and especially roses are in fact still blooming in her area. But moreover, it is because mysti is a rose in November in so many ways, from her actual person and outlook on life, to her effect on me. I realized even after talking to her on the telephone after meeting her gave me the strength to actually be happy and enjoy my day, even amid rain and other crankiness, and I cannot account for that joy otherwise. What a sweet blessing! :)
Husband and I had a great time during our visit, because it is a beautiful area, we got to see mysti’s house in progress, had a great dinner with a salty-mouthed and very entertaining waitress, and Husband and I felt very privileged to introduce the family to bowling. We all had a great time and that was just Saturday!
On Sunday we all spent time at some of the beautiful places in mysti’s area, shopped at a cute shop, and got to go to her house and have some of the best pizza (who makes that stuff, seriously? We can’t find good pizza like that here.) and a very special dessert – pumpkin cheesecake made by mysti herself. She has a gift with pastries as she very humbly admitted that she had been a pastry chef. I’m betting she was one of the best they ever had – hey, I can toot her horn for her can’t I?!
I know that mysti was concerned about us meeting her dog, because he is older and sometimes emits a smell. She need not be, because Tart's olfactory is pretty shot for one thing! Also, you can tell a lot about a person in how they treat their pets and their children. In both cases, mysti seems to be doing everything right. Her teenage boys are so polite that I was momentarily unnerved since I've heard that's not the norm. They're also sweetie-pies, and while the whole family is indeed experiencing the travails of teenhood I feel deeply that they are going to turn out some wonderful grown people. As for their dog, I know what its like to have an older animal and I when I see them care for their pet and do everything they can for him, there is utterly nothing finer that you can do for an animal. I shudder at the people that would put their dog down because of an occasional odor or any other problem. Owning a pet is a promise from the first moment to take care of any need, and to humanely take them to end of life and I believe that with my soul. mysti's family is doing precisely that and they have nothing to fear in Tart's eyes!
So those would be the particulars but I think some readers would be interested to know that mysti absolutely is the kind, loving, Christian soul that you would have guessed from reading her blog. She is an incredibly sweet person who made me feel so comfortable because she is utterly accepting of me. It’s not that I’m an entirely horrible person, but as I openly admit on this blog, I’ve got issues and honestly I think it’s things like that made us bond even more. I think we both understand that everyone’s got problems, and I think we both deal very well with our own, but additionally, I find her to be an inspiration just going about her life. I feel so lucky to have found this friend, that it seems obvious that she is an answer to a prayer (yes, Tart prays, and often). I really thank God for bringing her in my life. Thank you, mysti, for the gift of your friendship.
I couldn’t be happier with the spanking new political situation we find ourselves in today. I must laugh as people are so predictable in their fickleness and shortsightedness, but since it is in my favor I am just soaking in it.
Being a Virginia voter and one that stood in a very long line to cast my vote and one who fully supports my newly and properly elected Senator I have to say: “Once again, Republican babies stop your whining and get out of office. May the door hit you on the rear, perhaps you’ll finally find some reality.” Is it just me or is that camp most likely trying to look into that 2004 Florida playbook on cheating one’s way into office regardless of a fair and legal vote? It’s not going to work, jerk.
I can completely relate my comments in a bipolar aspect, because for me I like stability and this is something that most medicated-in-reality bipolars long for. I’m speaking about stability in the sense that I know what is right (umm correct) for me. I haven’t swayed from my ideals because I actually have some and I chuckle when I see normies swaying literally one way to another because they don’t like this particular thing or that.
Also something can be said for people like me who have a massive emotional sense, often able to see underlying things. I’m not saying I’m a mind reader but rather a person with a very dead-on sh*t detector and I can apply it in a variety of arenas including the political ones. If it involves people, especially when they want you to perceive them one way and there mostly likely is a real way or actual underlying factor, Tart’s pretty much on it.
It amazed me that the common public could not see what a d**k wad Mr. Bush was going to be from the get go, as I can honestly say I always felt this was the case (and not after that was a conveniently acceptable thought as it seems to be now). When a person cannot verbalize even the simplest of things, and thinks that Texan bravado can cover your arse in all situations – well these simple facts didn’t ever give me the confidence to put that individual in charge of (thankfully still) the greatest country in the free world or let him be the guy to push the button. I think we can all see where his lack of ability (and lots of use of his known inabilities) got us after 9/11.
But the true icing on the cake was something I did not foresee. The ‘stepping down’ of Mr. Rumsfeld. I can say nothing but YAAAAAY! as he sickened me so much to even see him on television that I would just click off his useless image and every other one in The Regime.
I have never considered it a Republican Revolution, rather a Republican Oppression. I feel that way regardless if things go good or bad, even if my perceived good guy does well or not, and that probably says a lot about me. The truth is that the average normie is going to feel very bitter if the Democrats don’t do something stunning in two years to reverse twelve years of idiocy. I think that’s a lot to ask. Hopefully they can really pull together. If normies see enough magic they’ll be inspired in 2008 and that’s what I can’t wait for. The framework is laid for a complete reversal and I am overjoyed at today’s turn of events and look with hope into the future. The truth is more normies than not normie have spoken (literally: people without mental illness compared to those that do), so my opinion in a way, and as always, is just commentary. Their choices are something that could be analyzed for fun as a social project and I’ve pretty much said what I think about their thinking and choices. The outcome of their obvious angst is finally something that brings joy to me.
Tart off podium