Monday, May 29, 2006

Hey I read posts from yesterday/today and thank you! :)

I wrote yesterday's post to indicate that yes I do have things to talk about, but at the same time they are tender subjects. I'm not sheilding the reader, I'm sheilding the people that need to be talked about. I really have a difficult time talking about fights or things said in my house kapish? I haven't processed the 'right' responses for myself or even what is being done here enough to chuck it out onto the blog, therefore I don't write about it. Fear not, there is no abuse, certainly nothing physical and as for verbal who do you think might the one most likely to be accused of that?

And then I went on about how I don't want to whine. I say that because I've felt more than free to talk about the SS debacle and impending hate (June 7) and of course that weighs heavily, although I admit at the moment I've just been ignoring it and trying to enjoy life although that seems to be mean smoking a cigarette in my classy nice backyard and staring into space. I'm not stoned I just feel that way. What else can I say, because I'm up against the government, you know the federal one, and from what I have heard, they get their money (although I will contine to say that it is my money, and so the fight is on).

Also, I am NOT sorry for quitting my job, I cannot believe I put up with it as long as I did, apparently I did get props from the head of SEP when I visited her as she says the newspaper industry has enourmous turnaround and 2 years for a completely sane person is still an accomplishment. That was nice of her, I took it to heart. I do wish that I could do something that would make money for my family but never work for another person again. Or at least be so far out dealing with another person. AND because of disablity (I think I need to tatoo this next information onto my forehead as it has become the song of my life) I can't work much. That's right. I NEED to make money, just not lots cause your on disability, you work AND (those of tender heart please shield YOURself) you get fucked. I think I've earned taking the * out of that one, as I know it so true.

I was told in a blistering way yesterday that I had rung up a bill, completely not realizing it of course and that I really stretched our funds and ability to pay them. It hurt me in so many ways. Of course, I'm sensitive, and I wasn't told nice and I was done in about that. And if you've been following my financial saga, you know that I don't have much to contribute. So read: Tart felt like a burden on her family. Go further: Tart felt like she is a burden. Period.

This has been such a slam. I felt like I was drowning but this was now someone grabbing me at the throat and taking me down. And all I could think was I am NOT going to kill myself, I have NOT killed myself, I have actually won, and as long as I continue to breathe I have won today.

Now you know.

I can't write that or read it without crying. That new waterproof makeup I got really does work, except for the sobbing. They need a disclaimer.
I thought of titling this post, "Missing In Action" for my dropping off the blog world but considering this is Memorial Day I think I was rightfully struck by how inappropriate that would be, and since I'm only capable of the ultra serious non fictional, non funny, non humourous blog post I certainly don't want to be inappropriate.

I'm only writing to let Enigma and anyone else know that I am alive. I don't want to whine exessively (since its so hard for me to control it) so I'll try keep this post short.

I can't write about anything. I'm either too emotionally exhausted to deal or to discern what about my life RIGHT NOW is appropriate for this blog since I'm now dealing with 'me' issues, and get slammed, over and over with new financial issues which become self-esteem issues and it all takes a toll on me mentally. It's expected for bipolars to have ups and downs and whatever other crap is in the DSMIV naturally but it seems like life is hitting me up for fun, too.

I am here, I am alive and God works in mysterious ways, I'm sure I'll have a voice again. I am verKlempt (as far as I know that means 'not able to speak' and I got it from Mike Myers impression of his Jewish mother in law, on SNL, which was hilarious, "Tawk amongst yaselves") at the moment and in a state of overwhelm. Even overwhelm goes away, right? Thank you for your inquiry as to my aliveness. You kicked my butt into posting.:)

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

I think I finally figured "It" Out!!

I'm menstrual and I'm sick!! That's what it is! I don't feel well! I am always so horrible and MEAN to myself when I'm sick (have been that way since I was a child) and to top it off I've got a big mean period this time that made me GAIN weight and I can't wish it away no matter what I do. I'm sitting here not even being able to completely hear my computer run or the rest of the world.

By golly, I'm so glad I came to this realization. Because I could feel better SOMEday and be able to handle the rest of my life falling apart so much better!!! at a later, non-physically slammed state!!

Yeeeaaaayy! I've got time to be sick, too! For the first time in my life, I'm not letting someone else down by being ill whether its a teacher or employer. I actually have the freedom to be ill.

The freedom to be ill. Yeah, don't you hate me? And you can see the change from butt sick to getting better by following my posts. I was so full of hate lower down there in those posts, then I thought about sleep but kept going.

And like I said below, I'm a big believer in 'just breathing' as in what'd you do today? Besides attempt laundry, heck I 'breathed.' But with the kind of days I've been having, I was wondering where to procure a gun, and I was pissed with 'life' I could die. But I didn't do any of that. Sometimes the light shows very brightly on places you didn't think were there, and mine are still functioning and looking pretty good. And I realized that if there were a physical real Devil that I beat his ass, because there's nothing more than he seems to apparently want than for me to take myself out. And I just say, Unh,unh, no go, you lost F**ker. I may be unconventional but I fight the good fight. There's something to be said for 'guerilla warfare'. This bipolar aint goin' down. She probably just needs a nap. Honestly, I know feel like I'm on one big hospital stay, only my surroundings are much prettier and I have transportation rights. I win Devil, I win.

My advice to those who feel its all too much: just breathe. Otherwise you might find yourself in a long-term ugly facility with Plenty of breathing contemplation time.

Thought fo the day! Tart

Shoe danglin' but I'm tryin' not to let it DROP!

Please laugh now if you have been waiting for the other shoe to dislodge itself and dangle precariously over the other one tht's on the floor. Perhaps you may think, if I care Tart, if I care, but hey....go ahead and amuse me, mai non? I am feelin' so FRENCH today!

Well, the buying the house is not a done deal. Turns out we are American pigs just like everyone else and have a debt/to payment ratio that has already scared off one potential bank. I think once I got married it was no longer my game, I laughed sarcastically to myself last night when I thought about us needing to have a 'handle our finances' and be financially in sync' or understanding what the hell we have coming in and going out. We have NEVER sat down to discuss this, except here Tart sign here, be a cosigner, while Husband's got his feet up in the air on the recliner. I always imagined sitting at a table and looking at paperwork and discussing, 'Oh, we could cut an expense here,' and so on. So much for imagining. Keep on imagining, girlfriend! For some reason, he has yet to see this as a good thing to do. Maybe when I'm not feeling so ill, honestly. Done, on that subject, move on.

Raine asked about the 10% thing with Weight Watchers. Oh, by the way, I got weighed for the second time yesterday. Turns out you have to follow the program to actually lose weight! Hah, hah! Seriously, with the menstrual period from Hell and my realization as I was standing in line for weigh, that ya know I'm sure I didn't drink enough water this week I'm honestly NOT beating myself up with that other shoe on the floor. I save that shoe for later frankly.

Well, anyway Raine, when you first get weighed instead of saying you need to lose 100 pounds (I'm just putting that there, I of course, don't know what anyone should lose, and don't feel bad if its more or just ten, ya know!) or whatever they tell you what 10% less of you from that point would be so, take your three digit weight (cause I think you'd be anorexic if it were less than that and you need a hospital not WW, okay?!) put a (.) in front of all three numbers then move it over two decimal places and Behold! Ten percent less of your present weight, which upsetting as that can be, is the number to think, (think Barbara Streisand here) SOMEday, SOMEday, I'll la lalal lala la LAH! I guess they do it because A)it is a bit more manageable thoughtwise and B)it's been proven scientifically that if you lose that small percent of your weight blood pressure improves, cardiologically you improve and you lower risk of diabetes.

Yeah, well thank you for the very sweet comments people have been leaving, things that are just truly kind, and things that I can handle hearing right now.

I have been feeling the hit of a real torpedo to my self esteem with the disability issue and my not working and feeling that I don't contribute much. In other words, I have felt like a sack of shit, and unfortunately been wallowing in it, a place that no one should be and you don't want to be taking your friends into. I admit, I get like this when I'm physically ill. I haven't been able to hear properly for days, I am congested, darn it I'm just being hard on myself! But I'm still taking a torpedo hit for the other stuff at the same time and THEN...

To add to financial fears and my mental state of financial woe, its looking like Reese MAY have one of the more expensive cat illnesses. Damn it, I've only had him ONE month! How could he "fall apart" like this! (I want my warranty!) He has not been well, and I could tell from looking at him that it was time for the ol' vet a-roo. And I was right! The little guy has lost a pound in a month! He's only ten pounds to start with, and they are thinking thyroid issue, but I don't have anything definite yet. This is something that can easily cost thousands and tens of thousands. I just don't have the money. I was like, Husband's going to want to 'give him back' and I was trying to prepare myself to fight over it, and I just don't have the strength. Luckily, he's on a wait and see status, like any normal person would be, so...

Add this to what I finally figured out is that I may be suffering from some form of mania, I'm a bit plugged up still, no money, the prospect of having even less money but still having to fight over it first (The SS Meeting) and something I love (my purty lil Siamese cat) being sick and expensively so, I think I might have to borrow Marks 'picture' because my life is feeling so "George" that I can't even laugh about it, even though I am thinking about trying.

So I've got to end this with a picture BECAUSE I can't be ending things like I'm going to off myself. I take great pleasure in that I have had no physical attempts at that regardless of all the messed up in things in life. In that way, I proudly say, "I win!" over the forces of evil, I'm here, I'm breathing, no cuts, no pills taken or gunshot wounds inflicted. Ah hell, I'll say it, "I'm a champion" (a little Freddie Mercury music, s'vous plais!!)

A Bed of Roses: Cause I'm tired of wallowing in other things, and zay ar jus so pretty, mai non??!! Imagine sweet smells for yourself, would ya, a lil present from moi.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Anger doesn't equal depression. It just looks like it.

God bless you all, and the funny things you said about my last post. I have to tell you I was in horrible pain, in the throes of the worst cramps I've had in years. Honestly, until I was convinced to take aspirin, all I could do was tip my bottom up in the air hoping to de-cramp my blistering uterus. TMI I am sure but its true. My family seemed to ignore this somewhat bizarre behaviour (I did it on the couch LOL). I finally made it to my bed and I think I was out for a while, blessed aspirin, and stuff.

I am just tired like I could take a nap but working on my laundry, a task so taxing for me mentally and physically and my first big accomplishment in days, so I'm staying up to see how it all turns out.

I am still in down mode, at least that's what it would look like. I think in fact I am in ANGRY mode and it has become so tiring that it looks like depression. I think so much about how I am getting screwed with Social Security and how everything I pretty much predicted with SEP is happening. The present head of SEP will write me a letter but whines about how difficult it would be to get my actual file and that it wouldn't help anyway. So a letter about how I was in fact in program for severely mentally ill people (insinuation, SHE says: I was not able to understand what I was supposed to do about SS.) Why insinuate? Just tell them that in a couple of years I would leave that program to go to college. But I was a drooling mentally disordered person before that. What THE???!!! Insinuate you handing your paycheck over for this ineptitude (OH NO, I did NOT use a BIG wORD!!) or showing up to the big party at SS that day to help out.

People I am fuming. I can't believe how I'm being handed to the lions one by one. I feel like saying fine, take half the check, not the whole thing, get off my ass and have a lovely retirement, all of you bitches.

I don't need drama. I don't want to have to type b*tches on my blog all the time and I don't want to keep fighting over $20,000. Yes, that's right. I don't why I tried to hide the amount. It doesn't make a bit of difference to me anymore.

Social Security wants $19,924 out of me. No of course, I couldn't haven't worked over, accumulating that amount. That's 2 years worth of checks because since I worked more than was allowed I became non-disabled and they want those checks back. From 1996 to 1999.

It may be interesting to note when I talked to Mrs. EyeFlutter, my personal SS ream-agent, she said don't worry, my disability was not in question as they have a medical file on me and *KNOW* I'm disabled.

THEN HOW can you take 2 years of checks because I'm suddenly disabled? I've disabled the whole time. HELLOOOOO?? How can this torture go on for 10 years????

I am not depressed. I am so angry that I cannot cry, scream or do anything. I am disabled by this enourmous screw that no one, not my Husband's mother who worked for SS herself, the SEP people, my therapist, or A LAWYeR (Yes, I've consulted one, who will look at my record gratis and then pretty much I'm well screwed on my own) can help me with or even show up to the proceedings with me. NONE of 'em.

Well, there's my mother. Long-suffering mother. Shall we go into a new mode. One that will make most uncomfortable since its not NICE to say things about Mother.

Mother, mother why won't you go away?
You just hang on and continue to stay
Why is it I think it's my fault
This hanging on has got to halt

People, I cannot imagine what people think when they come to my house. I live in the same house that I moved into when I was 7. So does my mother. She's never left. I on the other hand, went to college for a couple of years, returned for a bit, got told to get a job, I did, and after that failed work attempt (the new name for all my work experiences, thanks MIL and her SS knowledge there) I had a bad bout of insanity and returned home for good.

Mummy's got an RV and this is her ticket freedom (for/from us, I'm not sure) She's packed it full of stuff, and a nifty 65+ GPS system (its big for blind people). She may leave someday. Meanwhile, we as idiots are buying the house. We are only doing this, I understand, because we will sell for losta money and go live in a better place.

I think what people think is, oh poor thing, no independence. I am starting to think it too. Between Mummy and Husband, all deals can be made, and I don't need to know, think or WORRY about anything.

What the hell is the point of me being independent? How can a bipolar, no money, no job (don't want one, though) no structure, no more self-esteem left DO anything? What do I need to be independent for? What do I mean by independent?

I *think* I've got people holding the bottom for me now. I *think* they want to cocoon me and keep me safe. No wonder my independent friend hates me so much. No wonder people I've know that make such a big deal about independence were never folks I go along with. I am a tard. I'm losing every bit of who I am, more and more daily. I should take my nap. I'm not going to get my independant life. I'm not going to be in charge of anything more than my own shitting cycle. I am just flushed down the drain. I hate my life.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Disclaimer: Writer suffering from cramps and massive whore-moans

Like a dummy I never think to take meds for silly things like cramps or physical ailments. Probably cause I take so many meds in general, perhaps I am thinking a side effect will be pain relief. Hah! Or maybe because it's so hard for me to remember to take the pschotropic/blood pressure/thryroid mix as it is, OR far more plausible, it does so much for me daily (Hah!) that I forget there's fast acting pain medication that actually might WOrK!!

For those shocked to pieces by my word for hormones above I was thinking outside a moment ago how men have been naming things for centuries and what the! with that? Hormones sound like whore-moans, Freud called women going off to him (imagine a world where you had to let it loose on Freud. He looked to wrapped up tight, so tight he'd need to write to work it out.) hystrionics and we get the removal of our main girl thing, the baby maker as a hysterectomy. Imagine Freud speaking to a lady who's had no one to get her Victorian problems out to: Now, Madam pwease calm down. Pewhaps we can yank out youw female pawrts and solve this (Tell me you don't think the jerk talked like Tweety Bird?!!).

Oh, blessed be Tart, have you no respect for the 'father of psychology' the person who figured out a bunch of ID, Ego and important sounding crap that no one even uses anymore? A guy addicted to cocaine and a prick in general?

No, folks, no respect here. Just another man taking ADVANTAGE of well mannered Victorian men and women and basing his findings about humanity on a period of time where it was illegal for women to show their ankles. Do you think those folks were waiting for the coal to be shoved up their bottom and make em rich with the ensuing enourmous diamond?

Oh my hysterical uterus is Really hurting me. I can't take it no more. Whore-moaner, out.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

I'm not well

Possible Trigger: Tart does actually cus and rant endlessly

Tart is just feeling awful these days. I had a combination cold/flu and PMS. I now have a combination cold/flu and post menstrual hate. I feel like I must have skipped a cycle and now its back at me at full force.

I haven't been able to handle much of anything the past few days. I haven't instant messaged because I just feel like something is wrong with me and nobody needs to be subjected to that right now.

I got another letter from SS, wanting me to detail all my bills and how I pay them. This is the exact same letter they sent me 10 or so years ago. I am starting to lose hope. Just feeling I should give them a number to take out for the next 10 years and give up fighting. I have told them time and again about SEP so if they weren't hearing it then or now, I don't what to say. I am so angry about it, as the present person in charge of SEP wants to write a letter direct to the person holding the SS pitchfork. I want to know what's in that file and I want to know what this letter is going to say. They all just chuckle and say oh your therapist is helping you, so I'm sure you'll be fine. OH Lord am I in trouble then. UT gave me a copy of a letter I already have, the County response to it (so SS didn't care about that response then, and they will now cause???) and notes about how anxious I was. These have no meaning to Social Security, not in 2002 when they were written or now. I'm thinking they enjoy this. Hah, hah look at the little Biplolar lose her mind. Oh she went into the hospital right after they wrestled the gun out of her hand? Yeah, we heard about that on the news!! Hahah snicker*! That's okay. We'll re-schedule the meeting for the day she gets out. BASTARDS!!! You know they'd do it too.

For those of you confused: SEP is the Supported Employment Program that was guiding me back into the workforce during all of the work that is in question with Social Security. I have told SS from the begininng that these people, as part of their services, are supposed to keep their client out of Social Security hot water oh excuse, me report their earnings and make sure they don't go over. Umm yeah, they obviously happened because SS wants $$,$$$ out of me for that time period. They are conveniently trying to get out of helping me, at least it seems that way to me.

I actually did SEP again after this debacle. I told the person at the Department of Rehabilitative Services (the State agency that funds SEP) that I had serious questions about ever doing a program that screwed me so bad the first time. But like a dumba** I believed the lies that the program had changed and was very oriented in reporting my earnings to SS. This is a COMPLETE AND UTTER LIE. SS has never heard of SEP, at least that's the idea I'm finally starting to see. But that could be a lie too, because even though $$,$$$ hangs in the balance NO ONE WILL TELL ME. It's evil, like CIA meets IRS. What's a poor Bipolar Bitch supposed to do? Cause I am now doubting my capacity to deal with this at all. I am doubting my worth as a human being. Gun anyone? If we had one I would have already done it. Period. Now, I just sit forlorly smoking in my back yard because I have no other way to torture myself.

I really went into a tailspin with this today. Everyone thinks its my cold/flu, but I started to really realize what's happening here. I had no right to work. I probably never should have completed my degree in English. I should never have tried to better myself in any way, not because of the $$,$$$ penalty I now face, but because I am a piece of shit bipolar, a mentally ill person, and no matter what good I do, unless I make an enourmous impact (and I better stop those thoughts immediately) I am a bipolar bitch on paper after all is said and done. I don't know why we have to play these games with SS, since there is no one to represent me but me, but to the Country program that has been tending to my mental health since 1995 I am just a bipolar bitch. Everything I say is converted into notes in their computer system, most of which they won't let me see (I'm pretty sure in fact I have a right to see them) and from what I've seen I'm a difficult person, but fascinating since I am a human guinea pig so they'll keep on analyzing me for what purpose? Their own since it does me No good.

I don't know if anyone keeps up with this saga. I can say I have about 0 self-image now and I have been thinking about dying. If they take my check for 2 years I have nothing to give to my family. I become a burden in so many ways. I feel like a sack of shit yet I keep thinking of how I'll convince that SEP bitch to give me my file, and how I would like to tell her off.

I wonder how she'd feel if her paycheck was gone for 2 years. I want to know how these people get away with this. I'm trying to make sure they don't, but I am weak. Physically. I have to stop myself *in my mind* from going off and telling her that the incompetency of this ridiculous sham of a program is going to cost me 10's of 1,000's of dollars. I just want to scream at them and in general because they are f*cking me!! With a smile!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Weight Watchers AND my future recipe blog

Mmmmm hmmmmm...I ate it! What are you gonna do about? :)

Joined Weight Watchers yesterday. I did it years ago, probably a couple of times. Also, the online WW alone and lost 30 pounds a couple of years ago.

I am a bit daunted knowing what my 10% weight loss is supposed to be. Like a good friend, they let you down easy: they're not going to shock you with the full amount right off the block. I appreciated that, since I might have just walked out the door.

Actually, I'm quite serious about it. I have the online stuff which is fantastic but I knew I really needed to see the people for at least a while to get started as I was just feeling clueless about it.

I know what I'm cooking tonight, as I pored over the recipes on the online thing and found something that I already have the stuff for. I baked Hubby's chocolate chip chunk thing. It's cooling and done, and gave me such a feeling of accomplishment. Even though its a cookie thing I could have a little since I have plenty of points left for today, although I admit I did it for him, and I'm not dying to have it. It was such a great feeling to have a Lean Cuisine Sesame Chicken frozen lunch for 7 points knowing that when I worked I head to McD's everyday and had probably 25 points of Chicken selects. I was like, this isn't so hard. I love feeling in control. With everything almost always seeming out of control, getting one thing right, lunch, and knowing what else has gone in mouth for breakfast FELT SO GOOD.

I wasn't ready for this until now. I was willing to shoot my blood pressure and cholesterol thru the roof before cause I making just that little bit of money more and doing something 'important.' I wouldn't mind the money but I am now doing something important as well. I'm taking control of my life. My body, food, house, all of it.

I started FLYLady like I said. Honestly, all I've been able to do is keep my sink clean (first order of FLYLady) and think about what to make for dinner eeearly in the day. They are babysteps, as she says, but I think maybe hmmmm...I might try the going to bed at a decent time thing.

I'm now thinking names for my new blog featuring recipes and pictures of recipes. I will do it separate from this blog, probably on BlogCharm. Enigma told me about BlogCharm and I still need to Google possiblities, but I think its a great idea to do it on a 'blog dedicated' area, instead of MySpace. The original idea for this blog came from getting a fabulous recipe from Mysti while Iming her. When Husband loved it and asked where it came from I told him the "Housewife Network." And Raine is quite the cooking aficianado - she LOVES cooking - and has encouraged me to go with it. I hope everyone will enjoy it and want to contribute. And I mean pictures too! Husband is against my new blog adventure, Ha ha, he says I already spend too much time doing this one. But I consider it a source of pride that I can actually cook things, and I get such a kick out of taking pictures of my food, and detailing my ummm...disasters. So I'm like un hunh, I'm going to do it.

You've got to be an independant woman sometimes.

And I don't know how successful it will be. But do we ever?

Sooo, anyhow, I realized when Raine asked me do you have to be a housewife to contribute I thought of course not. You just have to cook, and clean up after yourself. So I'm thinking of alternate names for the 'Housewife Network', something that still captures the imagination and makes me want to put it on a card.

There are such ramifications for this now, since I'm doing WW. We talk about nothing but food! practically. So much stuff to try, so many recipes (and people?) to come in contact with. So much fun to have!!!

What do you think of RecipeRiot? Unfortunately that's all I've come up with yet. And it's time to make dinner (!) so I leave you with that!!

Graduating right out of reality

I went to that graduation party for a (former?) friend and I know that for my part, I did good. I talked to EVeryone, canoodled so to speak with friend's family who I've known for years and had a good time

Then I got to thinking about it. Maybe its PMS, it most probably is, but I started thinking again how mad I am that this supposed friend is always so "busy" and never has time for me anymore. I finally saw her 'internet boyfriend' and thought at the time that he seemed nice if not a bit above all of us, and I'm thinking "You dummy, why would you give up your best girlfriends just for a piece of that?" She is doing precisely what I predicted: Yeah, finally graduated and school was always the big reason for busyness, but is now looking for a job where boyfriend is and I predict she'll move up with him.

She even said she received my email (a literal plea of what-the-dea-le-o, please let me know why it is you seem mad at me) but was doing exams at the time. Too busy to answer my email. Well, dear, then that moment would have been a good time to explain (if she cared about me) but no. Nothing.

I think the only time I will hear from her is when she is marrying invisible boy and wants to fill the church with more bodies.

People do come and go I guess, but some irrepresible, un-understandable reason it pisses me off royally that this one is willingly 'getting away.'

I am starting to think it has something to do with my illness. But I handled this last social thing well. I don't know if she judges me or in fact is jealous of me in some way. Like how could a MI person go get married and have a 'great life' (its okay, but who knows what she is thinking.)

Monday, May 15, 2006

Finally Loving Yourself or We ALL deserve to FLY!

How weird is this? I just signed up with FLYLady ( and here's today's Virgo horoscope care of MSN:

Does your house look as if a cyclone hit it, dear Virgo? Your tidy nature should drive you to clean it up thoroughly. Don't be surprised, however, if, first of all, in the course of wading through the mess, you discover some lost objects you'd thought gone forever. Secondly, once you finish the job, you'll probably find that the place looks beautiful - better than it did before it was messed up! Something good can indeed come out of chaos!

FLYLady even uses the word CHAOS. Its an acronym and my moddled brain has forgotten what it means.

The FLY means Finally Loving Yourself. She 'babysteps' you though cleaning your house and your life for that matter. Its just what Tart needs I'll tell you that. I'm one of the ladies that mean men with jobs complain about sometimes: no knowledge of how to do things and man resents me getting to stay home all day and do nothing. No Husband doesn't say these things (quite yet) that was from an artice I read off of Retro Housewife, another 'housewife' blog I found. Whew, for every one of us trying to get it together, there seems to be a man that resents our opportunity to be home and work on it.

I let that one go. It's a tough cruel world out there and I feel sorry for the ones that buy all the baloney. I also have no time for those who only see their own existence whatever it may be and cannot comprehend or even care that there's pretty much a unique one for each of us.

I had a lovely time last week or so going to CharlesTown Races in W.Va. It was a drive and I went with one of my very best guy friends and his brother. Friend is a great guy, suffers from an illness (of the mental nature) and brother is frankly an a**hole. He essentially works very hard, has to completely support himself (which is completely understandable and commendable for that matter), lives in fact in a VERY nice and expensive area all the while comparing himself to his brother (who he resents and says terrible critical things to. Tart had to bite her lip and try not to intervene.) and compares himself to everyone person he perceives has got more than himself. In short, a very insecure, blustery person that Tart never wants to be stuck in the back of his car for any amount of time again, EVER! Mostly, I just feel sorry for him. Easy trap, but you've got to be above it.

I don't know if your church, religion or whatever introduced this thought to you but it is a big one from the 'church of choice I had as a youth' that Doctor hated so much. But here it is:

"Be in the World, not of it."

Meaning: Live on Earth folks, and our crazy but Beloved American culture, but don't fall for the pitfalls like money being most important, power in your job, nice clothes, cars, all of it.

It's your life and I assure you with 100% accuracy that people don't put amassed a fortune or any of this other cr*p that you might think is so important in their obituaries. Nope. They put 'surrounded by family' as he passed away. Or 'great and loving father, husband, and great-grandfather. His grandchildren were the love of his life.' I typed it DAY after DAY. In the end, its the people that matter. That was interesting to see what the last written public copy would be about you. It's just a fact. If you've got a family and better yet, one that really does love you, it's a great thing.

I think friend's brother needed attitude adjustment, and maybe someday he might get one in a not-so-good way, like the bottom might fall out for him or something like that. We are very blessed my friend and I that we have been through such horrible things and that we don't have much money that we can sooooo appreciate the simple wonderful stuff. After all that's what life is about!

I really like FLYLady so far, although I'm supremely lazy and haven't attempted too much AND I'll have a great upcoming post on the graduation celebration for a friend I went to and how GOOD I, Tart, did!!

Sunday, May 14, 2006

To Mother's Everywhere...

Happy Mother's Day! To those who take care of human children or those like me who tend to furbabies, with love and caring and always wanting the best for them, these flowers are for YOU!!

Some of the best people I know on the Earth are Mothers. God bless you all and and keep you strong for the hard job that you do!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Visions of my Jungle

Ah yes, the days before the dreaded collar was cut off!

Someone's just a cutie!
Someone's been sleepin' in my bed! And she won't move over!
What! I'm just gorgeous is all!

Use of the Plea and a link to: the brink of insanity - my journey thru mental illness: question to ponder.....

the brink of insanity - my journey thru mental illness: question to ponder.....

I visited Mizeeyore's site this morning and responded to this post of her's (I apologize Mize e if click back and forth trying to figure how to link, I hope it didn't screw things up!) and it got me to thinking about some things so I will express my opinion.

In the course of responding I discussed how the sniper that visited the D.C. area a couple of years ago and took out a couple of people (including at a gas station just miles from my house) caused panic all over the area and we were SCARED. He has now claimed bipolar and will be using the insanity defense.

That is a no go for the Tart.

Let me explain.

The ONLY way you are going to use that as a defense is to claim that you were psychotic manic and didn't know what the hell you were doing. Having been in this very state myself, I can say its very hard to believe this because there is no way I could have operated a gun with such precision or even been sure that the people were really there or not. This guy took out people with ONE bullet out the back of his piece of crap car designed specifically for this purpose. I am enraged that he would use our diagnosis for that matter maybe even his to further the media-driven crap that all mentally ill people are criminals, that look normal even, waiting to kill you when you aren't looking. How can we get passed that when this motherf just wants to save his disgusting hide because *shock* they are talking death penalty.

I believe he was with it and meant it all the time. And enjoyed it and was sad when he was caught. Only now, when he realizes he will die from his crimes does he come up with this. No I'm not buying it and it makes me so mad.

Now, I do believe that the woman who drowned her kids was indeed psychotic as the time of the crime. Why people can't understand that, only goes to show the complete misunderstanding of her illness and I think they closed their eyes to it because it was a heinous thing to do - a mother drowning all of her children.

Andrea Yates looks a lot what I looked like when I was in baaaad shape in the hospital. She looked like crap when they took her out of the home and in her court appearances and afterward. They are shooting her up with enough Thoriazine now that she is coming around, all the while being on suicide watch, that she asks her mother 'where are the children?' I honestly don't think she's playing. I have compassion for the woman.

Maybe she feels so wretched for what she did that she is not defending herself properly. Or maybe too out of it. I realize a good defense for her is to look like crap but I recall looking and feeling that way. You don't take too many showers during your psychotic times, heck it was mooooonths before I borrowed at sharps and dryed my hair and looked like a person again. I just think the things that should have been focused on weren't. What is she the *poster child* for? Mothers who drown their children? To normies maybe that's all they see. As a person who's been to a state mental hospital and gone on to have a good life, I see someone who should be much better represented. She's got a situation that bucks against what normies can deal with and who is judging her? A jury of her peers? No a bunch of Texas moms and dads that are against her from the get-go. No offense to Texas, I guess.

Here's a thought. If the WHOLE trial is going to reopened for something so bizarre and petty as the person who said there was a scene of of some TV show that mirrored the whole thing, WHAT does that say about this case? That this woman was potentially wronged because of a TV show, as in the jurors thought she watched a TV show and wanted to kill her kids? Why couldn't there be discussion of schizophrenia and the reality of it? Who gives a crap about a TV show, when there is a larger picture and they should focus on the illness. I don't know what went on in that courtroom but I think perhaps that woman feels so guilty she's not making them focus on her sickness. And I don't have schizophrenia so I don't what its like, and I do think there is accountablity and that we don't have to act on our impulses. The woman will be be in state mental system the rest of her life. There is no doubt she did it, and some say (including family that love her) that she is better off in the hospital getting care. You can get care and live a life without the state telling you to do it. You can screw up royally and still have a life.

I have compassion for her. As a matter of fact, she is what I fear I could become. So sweet and good person, but driven out of stress (5 kids!) and who knows what all, that could be me. And she is the embodiment of how people take it and construe it and don't consider your humanity. Isn't that what the fear and prejudice of the mentally ill is all about? Your not human, flesh and blood like me, says Normie. There's something wrong with you and lets me look down on you.

So stay out of the spotlight girls. Careful what you do, cause I don't think the world is ready for a even a POSITIVE role model mentally ill person. I think they'd get skewered if they weren't really, really , REALLY strong.

And while we're at it, Why, WHY didn't they put that lame a** engineer dork of a husband in jail for continuing to impregnate the woman and not deal with her illness. He has since gotten married and said a few nice things about mental health but HE is a travesty. His stupidity and not helping her with a SERIOUS ILLNESS (well, I guess he see's that now) makes him culpaple too. Have a nice life, a**hole.
Had a little scare tonight. Reese got stuck in his collar, which he has always hated, and was hoping around yowling and kind of freaked me out. For any of you unaware of what Siamese yowling is like, well its loud. This is their normal 'talking' voice and if you aren't prepared it sounds like they are hurt anyway. Anyway, I was afraid to touch him because I didn't know if he would lash out so I yelled for Husband. He held him still and I cut the offensive collar off. Luckily, the thing was made out of flexy stuff that was cuttable.

So Reese is happy as a clam without the thing but I don't like it because the last cat that got out, Sam, had no collar yet was microchipped and we still don't have him back. I would die if this one got away and wandered off somewhere (well the last one bolted of somewhere!). Reese seems more like my other kitty's as far as interest in the outdoors goes. He might look around but I think he'd rather be in Mommy's lap. Don't want to test that though.

Found out how much a grown man can be a baby tonight. Husband had that visit with notorious weirdo Dr., got a tetanus shot like I did and got put on blood pressure meds for the first time in his life (seems like they hand it out like candy now, ya know?!) Anyhow, whichever combination, plus his migraines he is a big sick baby. He eats dinner and literally puts his head down on the table. So I said why don't you go upstairs and get our movie ready (The Heathers. I think Husband had an attack of nostalgia and wanted to see it. It's disturbing, especially when you think of Columbine and you realize those kids wore the long coat like Christian Slater in The Heathers, and everybody assumed it was from The Matrix. Very chilling. But, I digress) So I'm doing stuff and he keeps hollering for a blanket, and his water and I don't know what all. When I don't immediately respond (the door to my blogging room is reinforced for a reason, ya know?) he starts yelling at the top of his lungs. So I informed I was not his lackey, and that I will get it eventually. Meanwhile, I 'fixed' his bank account, ordered flowers for HIS mother for Mother's Day and discovered that TOday was his mother's birthday and had to cajole him to call his own mother. The benefit is that his parents KNOW that he is not capable of doing these things on his own, and therefore Tart looks good. The price we (I) pay for M/FIL love.

As they said on the first Oscar's (held at a hotel in Hollywood) "We don't wait till people are dead to give them flowers." (Yes, I read every word of my People Magazine Book on Hollywood, with Elizabeth Taylor on the front. It is a sickness.

On that note, don't forget, Sunday is the day to be nice to your Mom. Give her flowers people. Not to be morbid, but better now than on her grave. Seriously.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Taking out Garbage

My Horoscope off of MSN today:

Yes, you may have another cookie from the cookie jar today, dear Virgo. Enjoy it and don't feel guilty. Guilt is a useless emotion, and you should use this day to help rid yourself from all feelings of regret. Express your emotions but don't dwell on them. Let them go. Your sensitivity is extra acute, so make sure your psychic shield is up. You might find yourself picking up on the intense energy of others, so be careful. Sympathizing with others doesn't mean taking on their garbage. They need to take out the trash for themselves.

How interesting is that? The more I think about my doctor/preacher experience today the madder I get. Thank you all for your responses.

I tried to tell the whole sordid thing to Husband, as he unwittingly admitted he does not read my blog (Perhaps a good thing? he suggests.)and he really didn't seem to care. To top it off his best friend told him that very doctor was a quack, without giving his reasons of course, without even knowing my lovely little story from today.

But his best friend suggested the doctor that he goes to now as an alternative (and friend doesn't live in the area anymore, go figure! It's a distance for his doctor visits!) That frankly is closer than Quacko Med. So I want the name and telephone.

Like I said, today's doctor has Dr. Wife in the practice as well. I will try her for my 6 week visit. If she tries anything I will inform her that the practice just lost a patient AND any attempt of a tirade from her is again inappropriate and she can tell her hubby the same.

The nerve really. I don't know this guy. I knew my other doctors pretty well before they'd pull something like this OR the nurse practioner walked in beaming one day and told me right off the bat her agenda if I was interested. As in, this is my bent, if you like I can pray or talk with you about things. It was a far different mystical experience than I had ever had with Western medicine and I had no problem with it at the time.

The pug (Emma) came into Siamese's (Reese's) room today AND I discovered today that that is not a good idea. First time I saw Siamese (Reese) really get his cat freak on with spits and hissing and really taking a whack at the dog. Emma just looked like "What, what I do?" and I got her out of there fast. Closed the door on Reese's room, went outside with and when I came back he was curled up in the usual place (my chair) and looked happy as a camper and fluffy free. Kids! Why can't they get along! :)

Speaking of, I found an absolutely lovely writing on MSN from a mom who said not everybody should have kids. In other words, while she adores her young one she says she does not ascribe to the thought that some parents have: that all (unabusive) people should procreate. She very honestly said if that is not your thing, to not feel guilty but enjoy your life and even benevolently stated to feel free to rub it in those parental noses.

Well, I would feel bad about that last part, but I do appreciate her opinion on that. It sometimes feels like there is the 'cult of the procreating' and they are p*ssed if everyone's not doing it. I'm just talking about some not all parents. It's a hard job and I'm sure there's some aspect of jealousy in there for them, which is probably why the whole issue is difficult for me. I've learned in the past that nothing good comes from others feeling jealous/and it's not an emotion that I treasure in myself either. AND I know there are plenty of great people who do not aspire or feel those feelings at all, at least plenty that are very tolerant of me. :)

I feel I'm lucky because these furbabies really are my babies. I've got my little bit of Terra in the backyard with flowers a people swing, etc. It's a good life. Maybe I'll find something to apply my true loves to in the future, but I am just really burnt on the idea of working. If I'm 'hiding' I'm content to hide in my own world. I know only too well what the rest of its got to offer. Not much for this Tart, not much.

AND none of these parental units are going to pay for me to go to nutty bin, either while pregnant forced off meds gone psychotic - a heinous thought, or for me to just have a breakdown because it turned out after all that I wasn't fit for the whole shebang. I don't want my kids to have memories of me in the nut house, crazy, or screaming and losing it at home. Let's not even touch how I got my illness in the first place. It's not from cooties folks, its in the genes. Now do I need to put that on a pin and wear it for every person I may come across who wonders why I don't have kids? I'm doing them, the taxpayer, the world and most of all myself a service. Now if I get pregnant tomorrow maybe this will all fly out the window and I'll just go with the flow. Since when did being responsible have to seem like something to feel guilty about? I don't even tell people I'm bipolar, why should I have to explain anything else? And I don't, I don't have to, on either - and I take the brunt for it. How many times might things have been easier for a normie to understand if I just told them I was bipolar? If we lived in an accepting world it just would be a whole lot different wouldn't it? People we don't. That is just the real deal of all of it. There will always be a need to hide this cr*p from some idiot (at least if you want to blend and be not be ridiculously judged out of people's archaic media-mongered misconceptions), and it just gets worse when you work. And that means plenty of days for Tart at her Terra (I loved Gone With The Wind) with pugs and a cat, computer and all of that!

Keep Your Religion Off My Body or My Bizarre Visit to the the Medical Doc

Had my big medical doctor visit today. Was supposed to have the 'full physical' including the female 'checkup' but two things stopped me from doing that.

First thing was the nurse asking me questions like "Are you new to the area?" and "Haven't you found an obgyn in the area?" Like why the hell would you let this guy do it? I've lived in this area my whole life and I don't feel the need to explain that to her. But then I looked to see where the 'instruments' were, ya know speculum all that good stuff. I was like "are you going to wheel them in?" because these rooms would better for the miniature 'board' meeting with doc on one side and me in the chair, with an examination table thrown in to boot - it's enormous, with plenty of room more. In other words, the obgyn that I have been seeing forever has the stuff in the room and it being their specialty it was the main game, you see. She says oh, no we just essentially plop the instruments down when needed. I was shocked by this (spoiled by going to a specialist) and said we'll don't you even sterilize them? She says matter of factly we autoclave them every night. Un huh.

What truly did it though was being completely repulsed and weirded out that the exact same doctor had seen Husband just the day before and he had to have his everything checked out. But I still donned the nothing garb and waited feeling ever uncomfortable about it. So that prompted a cell phone call with me standing in nothing bigger than a bib that barely covered my bust and a piece of tissue paper less weighty and smaller than a cheap tablecloth, to Husband asking if he too had to get to nothing for his exam. He got to wear skivies but in the end, of course, Doc checked EVERYthing. Hmm..I'm thinking. This is weird, uncomfortable and DON'T SEEM RIGHT!! So, bib and tablecloth off, I got dressed.

Doc comes in and asks if I'm getting a pelvic to which I reply "No." Oh, I see, he says, 'are we performing any physical today?" as if I were 5 (and if you think I'm being this way, keep it to yourself) I said we can do everything else, but we can save that for another day. People, I still got prodded, got an EKG (with a 'part' blowing in the wind), blood work, breast exam (what the hell).

Further weirdness, I got a 15 minute oration about God, Jesus, and the value of belonging to some kind of Christian church. I shit you not. I'm not saying any of things are bad but it is ODD to near the point of insanity to hear it from a doctor and Husband did not get this treatment either. It's not entirely foreign to me in some senses to have this occur because I had a wonderful nurse practioner who would even pray with/for me and even the last doctor seemed the slightest bit spiritual or understanding, but I attributed it to the fact that his son is bipolar, which he liked to remind me everytime I came in.

This guy seemed teeed off by the choice of religion I had as a youth (which for some reason was part of the questioning and no this 'medical practice' I was going to is not supposed to be medical work supplied by a church), which being the seemly and smart person blog-wise I am I won't name here. This seemed to have set off the tirade.

I just kept looking at him and thinking that if I was his kid I would have run away years ago, become a prostitute and starred in porno movies. And probably sent him one for Christmas.

What can a person say about this except I'm really glad I didn't let him get his hands on my co**ch.

I did pay attention like a good, what 'patient?' all about how I am set up to have heart disease because of family history, stop smoking, eating nothing but fruits and nuts...oh, I mean vegetables, chicken was okay without the fat, cut fat from meat, no bacon, cut down (meaning no, right?) cheese and dring 3 gallons of water.

So when I got home I proceeded to have several cigarettes to make up for the fact I'd had none today, since I had fasted for bloodwork, and cooked upall the rest of the bacon. When I got hungry hours later I had a piece of cheese. I'm not lettingthat silly little visit get me down, ya know!

I don't think any ranting is even necessary do you? The guy uh Doctor, is creepy, in all respects other than physically checking me out, which in reality is what he's supposed to be doing. Just think how bizarre it is to have the guy see your husband the day before and then check you out and what's with spouting the Christian (no offense, because damn it, I sure thought I was Christian!) beliefs? Why would he feel the need to 'guide' me in this way? Like you can just meet some dork (I mean DOC-TOR and since he already gives out lectures all day so why not proselytize the ones (that he THINKS) won't say anything? I'm sure he has good reasons, but EEEEWWWWWWW all the way around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I honestly believe I am more spiritual than the average person. While apparently THAT is a bold statement, I also believe that the concept of division of church and state must SURELY apply to division of medical personnel applying their religious beliefs on patients. HELLO! Do I look waywardly yet naive enough to have someone do this to ME? I was sitting in disbelief and wondering what the hell to do about all of this. I'm laying in my bib and tablecloth and taking a nap (I wasn't militant like some other patient who called out that she was being made late to work, cause that aint an issue for me anymore) waiting 'patiently' for my turn, thinking what the hell, its almost like no one would believe me. My Husband thinks this is a respectable good, top notch doctor and there are other people in his practice including his Dr. wife! Yeah, a nice little team they've got going there.

Gee I can't wait till my followup appointment in 6 weeks.

Oh, I did I mention, I'm 34 and now on Lipitor. Could someone just kill me now? But don't touch the cigarettes, bacon or cheese. That sh*t's comin' with me.

MizeEyore visited my blog!

I can't tell you (although I try :) how excited I was to get in my email her posts here on my blog.

I had meant in fact to dedicate a post of joy here when I had 'refound' her again. It looks like everyone is getting new templates and 'blogskins' and her revamped/renewed site looks fabulous.

I relate to her so much because, as UT pointed out in one of her more useful moments, I am an angry manic.

There is a difference. The other kind is kinder and gets enjoyable moments like charging the ol' charge card and feeling high and happy.

This is rare for me. I feel mostly quite tapped into my faculties, but on the flip side, Lord don't piss me off (as in basic daily events, usually) because I'm verbal, succinct, and can be mean. (Yeah, even Husband tells me so, as I don't know it already!) In short, I get angry and can be prone to ranting. (Hence why blogging is so awesome for getting it out.

MizE understands this.

I say that because she is completely tapped into this part of herself on her blog, at LEAST, and I LOVE IT!!!

Reading her blog and the what she said on mine, just confirms that I know it's okay to be me. How lovely is that!

That she found me worthy to invite me as a blogfriend, brings me great unabashed joy and I'm saying so!

I wish that blogger would tell you what post a person is actually responding to, because I've looked all over for them and: can't find. Also, I will put her on my links. I sure hope she doesn't mind, because I would love to make it easier for everyone to discover her.

Her site is

These are called 'Affectionate Cheetahs' and they're for you MizeE (and all other cheetah afficianados). It came right in my email today from Webshots. How neat is that?


Sunday, May 7, 2006

Holy Cow! Check it out Mysti!

Stolen, again, off Enigma's site who got it from Mysti, A Place to Journal. How cool is that Mysti, after our discussions about me checking out a painting class at Michael's. :)

You Should Be a Painter

You have the vision, patience, and skill to bring your unique visions to canvas.

And you're even tempered enough not to cut your ear off in the process!

My Cowboy Qualities

This is a direct steal off of Enigma's site (still learning how to link so check my links for One Woman's Journey!) I love this actor, I actually tied to be Wyatt and I'm 50% Doc Holiday, so it's all good!

You scored as Virgil Earp. You are Virgil Earp. You are brave and loyal. While you have strong convictions about what you feel is right, you can be a bit of a control freak.

Virgil Earp


Wyatt Earp


Morgan Earp


John Henry "Doc" Holliday


Ike Clanton


Johnny Ringo


Curly Bill


Which Tombstone character are you? (pics)
created with

Taking a Trip to Beautiful Places...

Bora Bora, French Polynesia

Ari Atoll, Maldives - Come, walk the plank!

Island of Bora Bora, French Polynesia - Aahh! Lay in the sun and relax! So beautiful reminds me of my cruise, and time in Mexico!

Airplane to St. Marteen

If you can't make the plane travel today, come to 'Tart's blog, she'll set you up!

Have a lovely week! :)

Saturday, May 6, 2006

Something the World Should Know...

Thank you, Enigma for your help. I was not able to recover my post of thanks to you, but I offer you this one.

I appreciate the time you spend with me and your willingness to help me, sometimes at odd hours of the night. I said in a previous post that hubby is good with computers. Well, while that is true he does not help me with blogging issues, Enigma does, and I want her to know that I know it.

From everything like putting my links in for fav blogs in the sidebar, to helping me in my blogger 'emergency' and taking a snapshot of the craziness (I've since decided that in the future the thing to do is write a nasty email to the person who's profile is showing in your profile by mistake and then just lay back. It's a Blogger Blip.) I finally upgraded to the awesome new MSN Iming and I learned much about all the cool neat things it does while chattin' with her.

I think a lot of bloggers find their 'person' that they can go to for help. Someone that will guide them thru the greenie days. Who knows how long mine may last. Thank you, Enigma, I appreciate you helping me.

Friday, May 5, 2006

The say, 'Beauty did kill the Beast'

Cheetah, Namibia, Africa

Argentine Horn Frog

All I ever do is rant and rave, eh? I read what I said below about at least sounding sane on this this, my blog. Oh I hope you rolled your eyes! ALL I do is go off and write about all the hideousness in my world. It's okay, none of us are in denial now.

Well, I've got a gorgeous Siamese laying across my lap. I've got a freer life now and I do enjoy it. My husband is a good guy...oh while we're at it, lets discuss him.

I know not everybody is as lucky as me. I may be scourged with bipolar and have the emotionally continuity sometimes of a flitting fly BUT I found me a good man. If that's gonna bother you read no more more.....

....Okay, this man knew me two years before I had a full blown psychotic episode that landed me in a State mental hospital for 6 (holy cow, that's right) 6 months. That amount of time is unheard of unless you are truly bonkers sick :) because that's a whole lot of insurance...well, blah, blah I'm not ranting about that. ANYway, he moved my things from the apartment I was living in with a friend, to my mother's house, came to the hospital to have me get out of my lease (God only knows what I signed but it turned out great) visited when he could, called all the time and saw me in the worst condition of my life and yes, friends it was bad and stuck by me. All the while he had the Navy to deal with and cruises and all of that.

When he eventually got a job out here in the civil world he used his skills as a top notch technician and firecontrollman in the Navy to get a job fixing other people's computer, telephone, printer, you name it problems. He did manage to get an Associate's Degree, but nothing further.

Yes, I'm montrously proud of him. My God, I love him so much. We have been to hell and back and that is not just a cliche. What a blessing from God that we could have such a sweet life after all that and it just keeps going.

We knew each other 13 years before we got married. Yup, we've got issues, and life is not. as we all know, rosy and perfect. I don't want to say goofy things about marriage because I don't know what to say, rules or whatever. But it seems to be going good. That's one bottom that I don't ever want to fall out, and luckily I think he feels pretty strong about it too.


Ya know, I don't know what the real tie of a cheetah and a frog are. I was going to say they can both kill you - one obviously from speed and teeth the other, if it was poisonous (which I don't know if they are, but check out the color!) At the same time they are both simply beautiful to look at.

There need be no sense to life or blog.

I'm working on putting some of my personal Jungle pics up. Even have video, don't know if that will work or not.

Wednesday, May 3, 2006

Convincing Mrs. EyeFlutter

Well, got up at the crack of 8:50 a.m. (that's a joke a friend and mine have, 'the crack of...something p.m. and so on) and had to run out the door, hair greasy, glasses and generally OUT of it to get to therapy appointment. So, I was late meaning less time for 'therapy' but did get something out of it. UT made copies of pertinent stuff out of my massive file pertaining to my blessed SS issue.

May I say it is VERY interesting to read about yourself, through the years, through the eyes of a helpful professional. I look so much more messed up on paper. They keep insisting I have some kind of mental illness and no matter what I do I'm seen in that light. Go figure?

Now I know I rant. BUT I *think* I sound sane and not completely burdened with MI (my new acronym for mental illness) when I write on this blog, for instance. It makes sense that since it is these people's jobs to provide me with services that there notes about said individual, me, would reflect all things mental.

I'm not done in about that. That's their thing. AND it now proves helpful in the fight against our most feared government agency.

When I called Madam EyeFlutter (you recall I named her this for blog confidentiality AND that it reminds me of her odd real name. I can say that!) she joked, "Well, we're not the IRS!" Once again, not getting it, lady. What do I care with the IRS? That's a full-time worker's woe and fear. I've done nothing to piss them off. However, I have a long and steady connection with SS and they do nothing but f with me. Do we see which is worse in my eyes? Why must I cow down and play a normie game again for the 50 millionth time. Yes, Mrs. EyeFlutter, hah, hah you are so witty.

No I didn't do that. I proceeded to explain to her the fear I and many of my compatriots had and why seeing as what they give us is "precious" (my word) and those letters strike fear in our hearts, because they have the power to take it away. She will never get it, but I finally said it and it makes me feel better.

I'm working on laundry today and have a lead on a possible lawyer. Smoking like a stack after only two weeks after starting up again. Yes, world I do have issues. I gotta pay a traffic ticket today too. I'm wondering if I should show up at our local courthouse looking this greasy and unkempt. I guess they can't put in jail for that!!!

Tuesday, May 2, 2006 anyone?

What is it with friends?

Why are there,, etc. all for hooking up with romantic love? Why do people seem to flock to that stuff and why do so many women feel lost, not right, or empty without a boyfriend or being married?

Why couldn't there be a or something similar with the simple purpose of helping you find sexless friend relationships. Why doesn't anyone care about the the value of friends?

I could use a I am lucky, I think, because I had some great friends in my past. My childhood best friend is still a good friend of mine but she lives a state away. I also had three truly wonderful friends during my college years. One is married with two children and works (Husband stays at home w/ the kids), the other, her sister, I just visited tonight. She is hurting because she lost one of her beloved cats (as in, her furbaby passed away) and the other is very ill. She is like me, her pets are her children. It was nice hanging out with her, watched "Meet the Fockers" for the 3rd time and still loved it, and it was great to just be with an old friend.

The third is trying my patience. I am upset. She was in fact my very best friend. I haven't spoken to her since her Christmas calls to old friends. She's graduating now with a Master's and I received an invitation and invite to her party. But I have been trying to discern if she really even wants to talk to me anymore. Being invited to her stuff may just be an etiquette thing, as she and her Mom do the 'proper' thing. I was told not to bug her because she is busy and I was okay with that for a while, so in the process of waiting for her to call me, I haven't heard a thing. I am left out of her life and this is the one person that really matters to me to know again. I have called her and emailed and received no answer. Honestly, it just hurts, because if she would just email me it would make me feel loads better. I haven't actually responded to her invites yet.

I think there is some issue going on for her concerning me. Whatever it is, I know its not my fault so I don't feel bad in that way. But I have been shut out of her life and it has been bugging me for a looong time. Over time, I have gotten less emotional about it but I think its getting cruel.

So if you know about or something similar, let me know. I guess I'm ready to start again.

Monday, May 1, 2006

Update on the SS letter

After stewing a bit today after realizing that I have tried for nearly a week to get a lawyer with no success I took in prayerful thought and after leaving a message for UT in which of course she did not return my call, I realize that I was not feeling like I had accomplish much with this today. And that gives me anxiety.

So I thought and thought and decided I'm going to call this lady on my letter and ask her about some things. Let's call her Mrs. EyeFlutter since it reminds of her actual name. Anyhow, it seemed a little fruitful as I finally explained that I had been with Supported Employment for the entire time in question and have since been told that part of their duties is to report my earnings and in general make sure I don't get in trouble with them.

Huh, she seemed to say. So you're telling me that you believed these people would report earnings to us.

'Believe?' Is that the word she using? Like, as an idiot you swallowed this information? This is in fact helpful, because yes I believe that. It was the selling point as far as I was concerned. And I now do believe I was sold a crock of shi*t.

She let me know that she does have the power to reverse this so that should give me 'hope.' AND she moved up my date so that I have more time but was not understanding or buying the part where I needed a separate time to review this apparent record. She says in fact its just a couple of pages and essentially that is unnecessary. I don't know.

Our Loud "Dinner Companion"

It's good, I think, that I venture out in the world sometimes. It seems to continually prove to me how good I have it at home.

Case in point, was my family dinner this evening. My mother wanted to thank my husband for all the awesome work he does for her RV and such and suggested a Chinese dinner. So she and I traveled to where Husband works, picked him and went to truly the very best place we know of. It has fantastic food. It's the place to go to have Chinese done right.

So we walk in and are seated and there doesn't seem to be anything else going on. Then it became painfully clear that we had been seated near a couple where the woman complained loudly right there at the dinner table. She was sooooo critical and it was difficult for me because I was right in her eyeshot, and I did feel a bit watched. It was just horrible. Apparently, she is a mother-in-law and she complained about her DIL til I thought My God I am so glad this woman is not in my family. The saying, 'Everyone here brings joy, some when they enter others when they leave' applied and I couldn't wait till the wretches left.

In particular was her tirade as to why her DIL needed to have such a nice nursery. Nobody's going to see it, she said, Whhhhyyyy should it matter. I finally said to Husband (right there because I hoped it would embarrass her and she would shut up) that if I was so blessed to have a child I would want to fix it up if for me alone (he later said he thought it helped baby's development as well). How mean, petty, and BITCHY to critique someone for this. It should be about joy and if MIL doesn't want to go in there I say in this case MIL shouldn't even be let in the house. She was so pompous and arrogant as well.

I only say all this because it is on my mind. It is not consuming me. I do think, Gee I wonder if other people I know that seem sane and nice to me but are bitches extraordinaire behind my back. I had never experienced such a 'gifted' one like that before.

AND may I say it amazes me that this woman is walking around speaking so loud. It was so hard for us to have our own conversation (which I may say, my husband is pretty much a zombie at dinners) and I resent that what is a treat for us was instead like Aunt Hilda from hell invited herself to and you are just seething and waiting to tell her off, after you get a word in edgewise. I'm like that's a person who just came out of the hospital. And they call me crazy!