I'm getting back into my yarn arts.:)

I love yarn and thread. I have crocheted a few things, and have actually given away scarves and at least one hat to friends as gifts. I made a hat for myself, too. I fiddle with knitting, I did take a class in it a while back and made a pair of mittens, but I was following a pattern and had a teacher looking over my shoulder. She said if I could do the increasing and decreasing necessary for that mitten, I could do anything. Perhaps true, but I am very slow with my projects, and sometimes take a lot of time from them. It may be that upping and lowering of energy that bipolars get, I don't know.

I also cross-stitch, especially when a kit strikes my fancy. I have completed a few kits, most memorably a 'best friends' one for my friend Tracy, and that sweet baby girl one I finished for last Christmas for a family member's new baby. That was really satisfying because I finished it just in time!

My new thing, is that I would like to learn weaving. I would love to have a loom and use it. I would love to have the room for a loom! My office is very 'junked up' to say the least. I am a horrible pack rat, it is so hard for me to let ANYthing go. I honestly think that is an outcrop of the illness as well. I saw my Dad struggle with it his whole life. Pack-'ratness' - genetics? bipolar? or just annoying thing to keep people from visiting? I don't know.:)

Delving into the world of Grants!

I spent much of my day researching places that could be potential 'givers of money' for a particular reason for the Drop In Center.

Wow! It was a lot of fun, especially when I found my first address that I could send a request to!

I was hopping up and down for joy and praising God for leading me on this path, and frankly for helping me, when I don't quite know what I am doing.

I know He's leading me and I'm happy about it. I have prayed to be led the way He wants me to, and although these things take time, both my being led & grant writing in general, I am feeling GOOOOD about it.

I am thinking of suggesting a crochet class at the Center, and maybe the products made by people could be sold, for fund-raising purposes.

I know they will say, 'Hunh, I wonder who could teach that class?:)' If they are thinking it's me that will be INTERESTING as I have been avoiding teaching anything most of my life, especially the technicalities of making something. They may not like the idea at all for all I know.:)

Making $Money$ (& My Soul's Intact!)

Yes. It has been about a week since I've posted anything. I have been feeling better. That means after a scary week or more of being Not so good, I did go see the PDoc and he upped some of my meds. And I stand here, before God and everybody, and wholeheartedly admit that it has made a difference. I really do feel better. I guess you can tell because I am not raging and angry at everything. That apparently is the other side of me.:)

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Anyway, I actually accomplished something this weekend, and heck, the weekend's not even over! I read the paper on Wednesday that gets thrown at my house even though we don't subscribe (interestingly, it's printed by the same people I used to work for. I took great pleasure in seeing the turnover rate: new publisher & editor. I don't feel like such a freak for leaving after 2 stressful years AFTER all!)

I noticed that there was a community yard sale going on and I called and got my spot (yes, that was a little bit of $. This was good, because we joked we might not make up our inital investment -hah!). I was rather comatose on Friday and didn't start getting much done til the evening, so I was up til 4 a.m. getting all the stuff sorted and into the car. The thing started at 8 a.m. which I assure you, is vampirically early for moi, but I managed even with 2 hours of sleep. If it's fishing or something I really want to do, I don't need sleep.

We made $47 in profit. More than likely, we would have dropped those things off for free, but REALLY more than likely all those things would have languished in my house for years. So, a lot more was accomplished than 'silly' ol money. :) I started something, I followed through, with a tasty end result. It was a good day. And I got a sunburn and less junk in my house to prove it. ;)

Who's 'silent?' and new things comin'

I got one of those 'thirty zillion things about you' emails, you know - friend fills it out about them, then you're supposed to fill out about you and send it back. I got a shock when one of the questions was 'Who amongst all your friends is the most silent?' and my friend said me.

I know I have this 'problem,' being silent or closing up, shutting down, or even not sharing. Most of the time when it gets pointed out to me, I am shocked some, mostly because I don't think of other people trying to figure me out or thinking of me. But when I get over those things, it doesn't really shock me that I'm perceived that way.

It's a defense mechanism. Darlings, its part of being bipolar.

I 'have to' shut down in an effort to protect me.

Perhaps its because I'm sensitive and it doesn't take much for me to get hurt, but I do, get hurt that is. So what does one do to protect from that? They shut down, don't share, close up and stay in some safe location and busy themselves with other things. Thankfully, there are other things for a person like that to busy themself with.

Oh I'm delightful, a wonderful person. But so many people are judgemental hags and hagamerers and it feels to me to be just not be worth it. In my mind that is their loss, but sure it hurts anyone to be alone endlessly.

Turns out that many bipolars have a problem with 'antisocial behavior.' Honestly, I don't think its going to far to say that it's just hard to be those intelligent creative types (perhaps I am only describing myself), but its certainly d*mn hard to live with this illness. Hard on the person, hard on anyone around them. You do need a support system, and that's something to hone and get, which thankfully I've got, but after that people can just go to hell.

I say all that because in the history of this blog, I don't think I've touched on that particular topic. And I think A) I'm not the only one, B) it's worth talking about because it's a real issue. We need to stop being embarassed or not talking about our issues because people die never knowing how alike and similarly smitten we are!

It's just the way we get sometimes, like sometimes we get elated as h*ll, we get depressed as h*ll, we bawl, we laugh ~ and sometimes all of this in a 20 minute period.

You can't live a life like that and not have some introspection or for that matter blind acceptance. To suffer so much, one cannot help but ask questions of why, why do I have this, why God do you hate me so much, when are you going to start helping me, make this STOP. And when you're feeling good, you recognize it so much, (dare I say more than a normie that wasn't crying a few mere minutes ago?) and say a Thank you prayer and then blindly hope it will stay for a while.

So if that sounds fantastic to you, as an outsider, why aren't you knocking the bp's door down every morning to have tea/coffee, or calling all the time, or wanting to be around them all the time. Perhaps they scare you, as they scare themselves. Perhaps nothing in the paragraph above sounded like Garden Club conversation or Game night invitee material. I certainly would question it, if it weren't my life.

So, the upshot is, removal of my person from activities A) keeps me from having to use my social skills which are pretty shot or never existed, granted, but B) most of all is a protection for you, dear outsider, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO SEE THIS? If so, you ARE a fantastic person. If not, don't feel bad, you're just like everyone else.

I am going to be starting some new things, I think. I am thinking of starting a blog of my accomplishments, things I've made, whether it be food, my crochet and other fiber arts and other things (I swear I have more accomplishments, somewhere!). Also I am considering doing some things with Cafepress.com here on the blog. Selectively selling other people's stuff and DRUMROLL...creating my own things for selling.

Also, I am delving into some 'new' arts for myself - relearning knitting, as it is crucial in making some of the things I want to do, and I'm thinking about polymer clay, potentially as something I maaaaybe could sell, if I show a knack. I already know how to crochet.

Also, I still have my burning dream to have a farm, a place of rolling pasture and space. I have been looking into what kinds of animals, etc. I could use to help me afford it all and I am again really excited about alpacas. The industry of caring for and turning precious alpaca fur into yarn and items pretty much fits into everything I love about animals, fiber arts, the whole shebang. Turns out that this is not as crazy or misguided of a dream as one might think, because within mere minutes of me are alpaca farms already living the life and I will be contacting and inquiring with them.

Maybe that one is a big dream. There's no reason not to dream, so I'm gonna.