Monday, September 29, 2008

New Beginnings.

Well, if you had followed all those comments in the post below, you would find out that I had enough of the baking thing and the annoying person in it, and let it go.

I talked to the supervisor's Mom, who comes to each baking thing, and she said it was not my illness to be so bothered - the annoying one Really Is loud, annoying and we agreed, a drama queen. To an excess that is just not usually seen anywhere.

It takes me days, literally, to get over being in her prescence, the loudness, trying to get my thoughts back, trying to find my footing in reality, that it really isn't worth it to me to be continually subjected to it. Not to mention the gas burned only to be subjected to it (a 40-minute drive for continual unpleasantness). I realize there will always be annoying people at work, but when I work at home I've got the best boss and coworkers in the world. 'nuff said.

The supervisor's Mom said that 'annoying one' was trying for everyone, including her (the sup's Mom) even though she had managerial experience and had learned over time to basically put up with a lot.

But, get this, annoying one is trying to get a full-time job and the soft hearts at the baking program are trying to help her, and I said if she were gone, I'd come back. The Mom's super said, "of course we would like to have you back."

So it does count to be a sweetie, a nice person like myself and I might just be back whenever annoying one is gone, or for the next go-around. I actually said a prayer for annoying one that she would find her fulltime job. Why not? It can't hurt.

But I may be involved in Something New. The Drop In Center in my county is going to let me help with grants. Now that would be a sweet job for me - a grant writer.

I could be freelance, work at home mostly and help people from afar, which is how I often like doing that. (Hey, I admit it, that the helping from afar wish is probably my illness, but at least I like to help).

I will just be learning how to write a grant now, but I figure once one is done and if it turns out well I can go on word of mouth to others. It's not going to be set up tomorrow or the next day, but I have something to look forward to.

Now that I'm not strapped to the baking thing on Tuesdays, I can sub for bowling, which is precisely what I'm doing tomorrow night at my husband's league.

Bowling is a fun thing to do, not that I'm super at it, but because I was on the league for years I have my own ball and shoes, which is nice.

***Please see Denise, at Samaritan Woman, for an important prayer request for her dear niece, who will be having heart surgery, and just had a baby. Thank you.***

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Doing a little better.

I returned my movies to the rental place. I had gotten 'Nim's Island' and 'Dream Girls.'
'Nim's Island' has absolutely no profanity, violence or sex, and is a wonderful family movie. In 'Dream Girls' I could see why Jennifer Hudson won her Oscar, she gives a powerful, singing performance.

So I picked up two more movies, 'The Devil Wears Prada' and 'Juno.' I'm looking forward to watching '..Prada' this afternoon, while I try to kill the twinges of cramps I'm getting (can you tell from the last post that It's approaching?? Ha ha!). Then, I will make dinner.

I have been trying to keep myself busy today. A movie is the perfect way to kill a couple of hours.

MY turn to complain.

I just hate myself for not being kinder. For not having empathy in some cases. I am sooooo not perfect, or even close.

I am going crazy thinking about this girl from my baking class. It’s not enough that she is loud and obnoxious, she has Problems too, oh my. Too much Drama. She’s got to tell all or many of her problems to my supervisor, who feels terribly bad for her, (she got the response she wanted) and I feel bad now because my problems are so piddly and little and unimportant, yet I want to kill myself. After all, I don’t have ANY problems being a mentally ill person that drives WAY out of my way to come to this thing, only to be subjected to a very selfish, loud person.

I feel like I must be some kind of bitch to be overwhelmed and concerned about not wanting to go to baking anymore. I can’t imagine getting a more irritating person to work with. I’m thinking about asking the supervisor if I can come back and work in the Spring.

I can’t take the fact that this person takes over ALL conversation. That she totally tries to roll over me, ignores the fact that I am there and then doesn’t allow me to speak.

And she Complains. Complains that everything is too sweet: I reminded her that we are making desserts, not dog biscuits (and not her dinner).

She actually rolls in 20-30 minutes late and then has the nerve to ask what’s done so she can eat it. That totally got on my nerves and I said, “Can you wait?” To which she replied no and then we get a litany of her day and how she hasn’t had Lunch or Dinner. Not my problem. Not something I have any control over. Should we bring snacks for the cow, instead of water for everybody (the supervisor brings water for us many times out of the kindness of her heart)?

We tell her that things aren’t cooled yet, and she say’s “I’m going to eat it, ANYway” and then complains about how sweet it is. Like I care. Except that it feels like a cut on all the hard work that WE did to make the thing, only to get her ‘learned opinion’ that we haven’t please her. Shut up.

I make what the supervisor has us make. I follow the recipe, which this person can’t get through her head, although we all make mistakes (I forgot to put milk into muffins yesterday, making them dry). But Annoying One has said she doesn’t need to measure, like the professionals, as if she was one. We, meaning the supers, have to remind her that she is not a professional. She absolutely does not get that this is a learning experience and that it’s okay to make mistakes (she gets so dithered if ‘her’ stuff is not perfect. Whatever.) So g*d-d*mn annoying.

I feel like my head is taken over by this person. And all the loving that I receive in my life is for nothing, even though my friends were kind to me at Drop in Center beforehand, even though my Husband is nice to me after, I have to recover from this experience. It’s so lame, and it hurts me. I just want to eat or do something to make it go away. After all, I have my problems too, I just don’t spread them around to the people I work with and every d*n person I can get a hold of. Will someone Please MAKE IT STOP!

PS - I know I've got to take over my own Destiny. I can't allow an annoying person to affect me so. But believe me, it's hard when they are so LOUD. And it boggles the mind that they cannot see that they must take responsibility for her own life, as I must mine. I try very hard to purge myself of this and listen to good stuff and try to feel better. And I actually feel better after typing it all out and GETTING it OUT of my system. Thank you, Dear Reader!:)

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Pretty picture.

Hummingbird, Equador, Webshots

Monday, September 22, 2008

Learning to be Happier. (discussion by 'Tart of "The How of Happiness" by Sonja Lyubomirsky)

I have been very busy over the weekend. One of the neat things I did was after a nice lunch at a restaurant chain that serves lots of out of town visitors, they were having a 75% off sale on lots of items.

Including audio books, some in CD form! What a boon! I got "Charlotte's Web" written by and read by E.B. White, "Cesar's Way" by Cesar Milan the 'Dog Whisperer,' and something called ""The How of Happiness," a Scientific Approach to Getting the Life you Want," by Sonja Lyubomirsky.

I started listening to "The How of Happiness" which is so good I started transcribing her words into my Microsoft Word, so that I could look at it and have to look at again, which is what the actual book would do for me easily, I realize, and I just might buy it.

I have been taking quite seriously what it has to say, and I notice that I have not had a serious low or even medium low since I started to listen to it, which is great for a bipolar!

There is a lot of good stuff in there. Right now, I'm learning about the 'Attitude of Gratitude.' The simple concept that we have heard over and over again of 'count your blessings.'

It really is a truth that you can't feel too sad when you really stop to count just a few of your blessings and take some time to ponder them.

I was going to reprint here what I heard, and what I typed for myself, as the eight reasons why it's so great to count your blessings, but the back specifically says 'This recording may not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without permission from Penguin Audio' so in difference to the author and her publisher, I won't do it.

BUT, I can discuss in my own words what I Thought about it. And I must say that it is already making a positivie impact on my life, if not to simply be reminded of 'the attitude of gratitude' and the other 12 common things that happy people DO to be happy.

For that is one of the (audio) book's exhortations as well, that being happy is a do-er sport, one in which we can enhance our happiness by "intentional activity."

Like remembering our blessings, practicing methods to stop negative thoughts, doing kindesses for others just 'cause, "nurturing relationships," avoiding "overthinking and social comparison," etc.

And she expresses that no one is usually good at all the techniques and that we don't have to be, and she has a great test for determining which would be good techniques to focus on.

Yes, I took the test, and I'm glad I did. I'm glad I am taking the time to learn to be happier.

There's probably going to more discussion of this in the future.:)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Finally doing better on Abilify.

One of the things I noticed with Abilify was a real sense of anxiety, when I first got on it, which takes about two weeks to kick in, as with most medications, and especially when I was on a higher dose of it.

After much convincing of my Pdoc, after him moving this around and that, I made him see that I was on a little too much of the Abilify.

I have been on a lowered dose of it for a month or two and I think I have found something I can live with.

Negatives: still have some anxiety that I don't think I would have if Abilify wasn't in my life.

I have mentioned before that I didn't think that anxiety was a big deal BEFORE. I now see that it can be quite debilitating depending on the level of it, and I personally can't stand feeling that way. So I am glad to have less anxiety, although it is still there, but is very much reduced.

The restless legs thing. I still get moments where I move a lot. I think Atenenol, a derivative of Propanolol (misspell? I'm sorry) the Anti-shake med is helping enormously. The jaw shake is much, much lessoned too. But both leg and jaw, and sometimes hand shake still exist. An Abilify thing, I believe.

The positives: I am not an angry little beyotch anymore. This is so exemplified in my driving. Driving separates the angry from the sane. Seriously. That's where you'll see it, that's a big place where calm at most all times it seriously necessary. And my Mom will get in the car with me now, and comments on how much a better driver I am. Rainmain: I'm a good driver. I'm a good driver. Really.

In general, my anger is down, and patience is up. How great is that? I do attribute it to the Abilify.

I don't know it's uses in Autism, although I have heard that it is being used now.

As with most medications in different illnesses - bipolar, Autism, schizophrenia, ADD, epilepsy, etc., just like with cardiac and diabetes medications to name just a FEW - it is often a trial and error thing to find the ones that work for that specific person.

Some meds work so well for some people, the same med for the same disorder, does not work well.

I believe it is worth the trial and error to find the right med(s), even if it sometimes means a stay in the hospital, for a better quality of life. It is a choice to live or to give up, in some situations. I applaud the decision to live.

What kind of things make you feel better?

I wanted to create a list of things that make me feel better and encourage you to think about things that make you feel better.

Now I am a bipolar who stays home mostly. No, I do not have children at this time, though I have a Pug on my lap right now, and am monitoring a very active puppy Pug, as she likes to chew on things, get into things, etc.

I have learned to reduce stress after having been in situations that caused me harm. Years ago, I spent a lonnng time in a mental hospital dealing with my illness. I have been in the mental hospital before that too, with my original diagnoses at age 16. I have worked since I was 15 1/2, that's 20 years of working experience. I have a degree in English from a very accredited university. I gave up my position at a newspaper several years ago because of my own mental stress. I feel like I am writing my bio, once again.

I say all this, because it doesn't matter if you are a working person, Mom (which is always a working person, I know), not working person, etc. - whoever you are - you are likely to experience a depression, at least, some time in your adult life. If you don't, someone close to you will experience something akin to it, or another Mental Illness. (These have been statistical facts that I read from NIMH or Somewhere).

This is not a bad word, or phrase, (Mental Illness) it is a medical condition, and nothing to be ashamed of, but I should talk because it's hard to live with, I don't care what anyone says. But, just like cardiac conditions, diabetes, and other chronic conditons, depression and it's icky 'friend' bipolar (having the lows of depression AND the highs and in betweens of mania) really can kill you, and need to be taken seriously.

Since I am at home, and it took me a long time to come close to accepting this arrangement, and I still get unhappy with it sometimes, I must create my own structure. And I am Still doing that. For people just getting out of the hospital (mental or otherwise), for people retiring or going on disability, maybe you relate to this more. Or, as a Mom that is changing from a working in the 'real world' schedule to the enormous duties and responsibilities of taking caring of Baby (see, I'm no dummy, and I have empathy) you may make a change in your life, a different schedule if you will, but You matter just as much as when you were a 'player' in the world's games.

So without further ado, the list of what makes me happy. If you're a blog friend feel free to write your own list. If you would like to comment with your own list feel free!

Stuff that makes me feel better:
The Pugs first thing in the morning, and at different times my cat: Mia, my little baby Pug loves to greet me as soon as I'm up. All of the animals like to converge in the office and be here together, especially before LUNCH time where they can bother me and give me those Beggin' eyes. After LUNCH, it's okay to go upstairs and sit on their favorite chair, well at least for 5-year-old Emma Pug. Mia still likes to be in Every room that Mommy is in.

Crafts, and thinkings about my crafts. I say that because while I have a ton of crafts that I could do, I honestly don't get a lot done. But things under this category are:
Cross-stitch
Crocheting
Knitting
Wishing I could rove, or make my own yarn (as I have a whole box of roving to work with, and a hand spinner - but no real idea how to use it! And no teacher, Wanh!)
Craft painting - I have attempted Donna Dewberry craft painting, which was very fun, but labor intensive in terms of clean up and keeping every thing from getting painted on. But fun, did I mention Fun!:)
I know there are more crafts, Oh! like Scrapbooking! I really like scrapbooking! And uploading Pictures and working with them.
And so many more!

Exercise definitely makes me Feel better but I don't get much of it. When I do, it's obvious it affects my mood positively. Other times I just Think about exercising, and how to fit it into my day and get some more structure going. Just being honest.:)

I like to blog and comment.

I like to write cards to my friends. Yes, I have real life friends, people to thank, people to send the Love to. That is fun and makes me feel like I have Done something.

Sometimes I have very little energy and the slightest thing like taking a shower and cleaning up is wonderful. I know that makes me feel better, and I bet some people can relate to that one.

I mentioned reading the book on scrapbooking a couple of posts ago. Actually, that is a big deal because other than reading on the internet, I wasn't reading up until starting on the ol' Creative Memories book on scrapbooking! Well, I will be reading the Bible with Tracy soon, and that will give me some structure too, you better believe it, in more ways than one. Looking forward to that, my friend!

I love to read my 'People' magazine as well. I know its not the uplift and good Book kind of reading, but I read it cover to cover and enjoy it thoroughly, usually, depending on my mood. There have been times when the 'People' languished in a box somewhere and when I was in a 'People' reading mood I have gone through it quickly. But it is a love of mine.

One of my absolutely favorite shows on the Tele is 'Clean House.' Niecy Nash and her friends go to a different cluttered house in each episode, talk to the people and try to address 'issues,' sort and sell the clutter at a yard sale, and use that money to make the cluttered rooms Fabulous. It is sooooooo fun to watch! Utterly addictive, I can watch old episodes, I can't wait for the new, I love nearly everything about it, and I wish they had a channel of it, 24-7. Seriously.

That show comes on the Style network on cable. I like many of the shows on Style network, actually. But I am always checking it to see if my fav, 'Clean House,' is on.

I also love any episodes of 'Jon & Kate Plus Eight,' the TLC cable show about two parents, who had twins and then...a set of six babies all at once (sixtuplets?). It's fascinating to me.

They just had an episode where they went on a ski trip with all the kids, plus helpers in tow, and had a great time. Kate is like me, doesn't like snow so much and loves staying at home doing the laundry with the four kids who didn't like snow either (that was a light day for her, just four kids!), while Jon, the Dad, and Cara, one of the twins, had a great time on the slopes!

I love 'Will & Grace' reruns, I'll stop for a 'Friends' rerun, or a 'Seinfeld' rerun, too. As a matter of fact, I often love a show when its finally over for some weird reason. Maybe because they are classics, I don't know.

Well, the Pugs are bugging me for LUNCH. They have amped up their activities and the bugging and it IS time to feed them, so I'll leave my list at this. Feel free to write your own list. It's fun, it's positive, it has a certain 'Cheering Up' factor, may I say so myself.:)

Feeling better today.

Things are going better today, mostly because I got up a little earlier than yesterday and have managed to get a few things done.

I went out, after taking my morning meds, and went to the pharmacy, McDonald's and for the first time in a long time, picked up some movies from my local rental place. I got 'Nim's Island' and 'Dream Girls.'

My Mom is prepping to leave tomorrow but not before we all go out to lunch today. (Nix that: it's going to be dinner:) I'm hoping she'll watch one of the movies with me, too.

And about yesterday, I decided that the combination of being premenstrual and truly dreading going into work, plus my mental illness just flaring up in general made for a sick day.

And so I didn't go in. Hopefully things will calm down at work, that time of the month will start OR... who knows what will happen, and all before Thursday, the next time I'm slated to go in.

Some days I just wake up feeling better than others. I don't know if it's the dreams I've had, or the mental messages that I send myself.

I feel that I must fight back, instead of wondering why its such a struggle with those thoughts (sometimes I actually wake up feeling worthless and what does it even matter if I get up, that's why I find it so important to end my last post the way I did, in case anyone else ever feels that way.), and just Fight the thoughts. Fight the thoughts.

I also need a dang alarm clock that I can work. I have one across the room with a CD player in it no less, but it never goes off when I want it to. I bet I could get myself up earlier and not feel like such a slummer.

I hope I don't bring others down. I wish to bring others up. But I also wish to be honest and lately it's just been telling you what is going on with me.

I might 'FlyLady' a little and take care of the house 15 minutes at a time, cross-stitch a little (and take a picture of how I'm doing) and maybe fit scrapbooking in. I need to take some time to exercise too. I feel like I'm creating structure all over again.:)

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Trying to feel better.

Today is the first 'have-to' day that I have experienced with 'having to go to' my job. The job being the baking thing.

I have not said anything on blog, but we got a new person added to our group who Extremely Loud & Obnoxious and it is all I can do to stay patient, to keep my mouth shut and continue to think at all while this person plays for all attention, is truly so loud that they take my thoughts away.

The supervisor is aware and will be talking to the offensive one today, but I don't think it will do any good. The super and her Mom are too nice, but maybe it will change. I would be Very Glad if it would.

But I dread going.

I woke up late today with an immediate low to begin with, now improving a little. Had my medicine and new Proactive vitamins (I don't have serious skin problems, I just want to take care of my skin), then ate a little somethin' somethin' - these things helped some.

My Mom has been here since March, when I had my Lithium toxicity, and now she is returning to her home base, many states away, on Thursday. That affects my mood because knowing that she is around has been quite helpful to me.

I admit I feel some 'lonelies' coming down. And September just has never been a good month for me. It will take some real pushing ahead to work through it.

But trying, TRYING so hard to be on more positive notes, I have been reading "The Creative Memories Way" by Cheryl Lightle & Rhonda Anderson (co-founders of Creative Memories) with Shari MacDonald, and really enjoyed rekindling my love of scrapbooking.

Actually, friends of my mother's came by and I showed them my wedding book that I have done myself, with help of the Creative Memories lady that used to be in the business, and discovered that I really want to get more of it done because it was fun for all of us to look at it.

I also have tons of pictures from my Dad's that I wanted to do something special with. These are pictures of a vast family that I didn't until recently really realize that I have. I don't know who all of them are, but luckily I do have some family that would know and would be glad to tell me about them.

Due to the beauty of the internet, I could post these pics privately and see what the family member says, even though she lives on the other coast! Positive, positive!

I also have a Baby record cross-stitch that I am working on for my husband's cousin's baby, due in October, and I'm hoping to get it done by Christmas. There is much to do on it, even though it says it's 'easy' and I will eventually be posting how I'm doing with it on the 'Good Stuff' blog.

I try. I try to feel better even when my guts are unhappy, from my chemical imbalance to real life activities (the 'job'). I want to be lifted up when the post is all through. Here I tried, even though I was ready to give up before breakfast.

There's a tremor in the Force, I feel, and some of my blog friends (and I notice some of my real life friends) are going through hard times. I feel for you, and pray for you and wish you better days. Please hang on if that is how you are feeling. You matter.

Sincerely, Tart

Monday, September 15, 2008

Please Pray for Stacy.

I don't often do 'prayer requests' but my good friend Tracy's twin, Stacy, is apparently having side pains and has gone to the hospital because of them.

These two people are wonderful and good friends of mine and I would be amiss if I didn't ask or express that I am praying for her. Now this immediately makes me feel guilty for not putting the 'prayer requests' out for others, especially those who go into the mental health facility, God bless you all, and I do care about your situation. Those are ongoing prayers.

It has come to my attention today that Stacy is in some kind of crisis, and I want to lend my support and prayers, and had to say so on blog.

I hope you feel better soon, Stacy. Sending BIG (((HUGS))) to you, and I hope everything gets figured out and is okay!!
Love,
Tart

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Hyper

It's 5:10 a.m. and I'm up. Haven't gone to bed, or at least slept at all. I went to bed at 2 or 3 a.m. last night.

I have just spent what seems like hours updating the sideboards on both Jungletart's and Jungletart's Good Stuff blogs. Just for fun. Putting new pics in, moving things around.

I didn't turn my computer on until 10 p.m. this evening. Guess I'm making up for lost time.

Wish I could sleep. Took a Lunesta and everything. No good.

Monday, September 8, 2008

The 'I Love Your Blog' Award

I received this award first from Mike & Tracy's blogrolls, and whom I want to thank greatly! and I want to give it to: Jena, Raine's Aftermath, and Stacy. I love your blogs.

My picture button is not working. Please grab your award from my sidebar, thanks. Oh, and feel free to give it to those you find worthy.:)
:) Tart

Saturday, September 6, 2008

My Blue Beach Shoes & Ocean Sounds:)

video

I'm baaaack!!

I went to the beach last weekend and had a wonderful time!

I had some time to walk along the beach, sit at the beach, shop around the beach, eat at wonderful places, chill at a very nice hotel and get into a saltwater pool, no less, and in general Had a Blast!!:):)

Please enjoy the sounds of peace and calm from last week.

Yours,

Tart

There's no shame in shaking

In fact to have the Abilify shake, the Lithium shake, the whatever-yer-on shake, in public no less, is Not a sign of weakness.

No, in fact, for every numnut (I like it spelled that way, thank you) that you feel like looks at you funny, you are empowering someone out there to be themselves.

What is it about our society that is so hung up on appearances anyway?

You've got to learn to love and be kind to yourself and you will attract kindness in your life.

Ignore the rest. Easier said than done, for me, but I know it's true.

I know because although my Atenenol has nearly obliterated my shake, I think about people I know that still do, and some pretty empowering people too.

Now for some of you the idea of having shaking hands or being embarassed of it doesn't even enter your mind. Well, nevermind for you. But for those of you that have it, you are not alone, and you don't have to feel bad.:)

A wonderful person I look up to that started a great program around here for the mentally ill - no no one you've heard of from me before - has got the shakes big time.

And I respect her so much that I thought of how empowering it is for me that she shakes to the dickens and doesn't worry about what anyone thinks of it, and does great, organizing, empathetic things for others and it just doesn't matter.

It's not a sign of weakness, rather one of empowerment.:)