Thursday, January 29, 2009

There's no replacement, only new love.

Thank you so much to all that commented on my last post.

I am much more at peace now. The thing that has made me feel better about losing Mia is the planning for getting another puppy. I know there are some that would say that seems sudden, or sheesh you must not care about Mia, but I so do. It is soo empty in the house without her around and the only thing that has finally made me feel better is finding a place where I can find my new puppy. That's been my burning desire and where I've been for the past few days.

No one else is going to be Mia. I know that. I hope to find a fun, mischevious doggie, a happy dog just like anyone would.

I am sure that most people understand why I would want to get another. Maybe I am nuts for wanting another dog, like I am nuts for wanting to have two dogs in the first place, but I know its not unheard of. Enough of that.

I also considered rescue, let's be clear on that, as rescuing a dog is a beautiful thing. I've rescued all of my cats really, and I'm glad for it. But I really want to take care of a baby dog, make sure she will get along with the critters that are already there and have no previous abuse on my animal to contend with. I'm sorry to those that might be disappointed that I have chosen not to go the rescue route with my dog.

I take care of my babies (pets) for life. I think about how they will fit in with each other. And if you haven't noticed, I have the time to take care of a puppy.

On happier notes I am really looking forward to this. It has given me something to look forward to and be happy about after the pain of losing my little Mia girl.

So on that note, I am going to be going to see puppies tonight! Wish me luck in finding my furever girl, for her new home.:)

Monday, January 26, 2009

I am in shock since yesterday. Something horrible has happened.

My little black pug, Mia, died unexpectantly and quickly in my living room. She just curved her body to the right and fell over and died.

This dog was so sweet, rambunctious, mischevious, fun, and so loving, she followed her Mommy everywhere and had the sweetest disposition.

We rushed her to the emergency vet, they tried to revive her to no avail. We had them perform a necropsy, which is to find out what she died of, but it was very inconclusive, except to say that she had an enlarged heart and the vet thinks it was vascular death - a heart problem that no one knew about.

Her heart was too big.

We are just so sad. I am crying this minute and the house is horribly quiet without her. I almost can't stand it. I am heartbroken.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

kitty in the sunlight,

Made some changes on the blog today. Turns out is gone or not working or something and two of my pictures: the welcome and the hammocked kitty are gone.

I am trying to feed us more frugally and put in my first set of Navy beans into the crockpot. I am hoping Husband will like them so we can have Beans, beans for more meals. Hopefully buying a bag 'o beans at the store is still pretty cheap and once you separate the bad from the good, rinse 'em and put whatever you want with them in the crockpot, you just put it on for a couple of hours and it goes on its own!:)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

With a watchful eye.

I am celebrating the inauguration of Barack Obama.

I do it reservedly actually ~ quietly watching, waiting.

I hope that he does do something for the disabled in this country. I especially hope there is better understanding of what it means to be disabled because of a mental illness.

(To be disabled because of a real disorder, it is Not imagined - so there, Scientologists and anyone else who doesn't believe in psychological disorders. Scientologists don't take responsibility for the Full You - brain chemicals and all. Explain my disorder to me then (unnatural mood-swings & all that it encompasses and yes, that's disabling). I would be dead without my mood-stabilizing chemical additives and a little understanding from a therapist, family & friends (perhaps not in that order!)

When I say that I hope that he 'does something' for us, I mean specifically his attitude is of great importance to me. An openess of mind and the courage to put forth the effort to break down barriers in that direction are things that I see great potential for, and that I am hopeful for.

I don't know what the future holds, if this President can be effective or not. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt right now and I certainly hope he will not only put bills into effect, while respecting his bounds as a President, but will be the face and attitude that Americans and the world can respect.

Note: I have noticed that I have mellowed greatly from my extremely angry days in previous posts that I named 'poly-ticks.' I feel almost that I should apologize for not putting a 'my anger in general can probably be triggering' warning on my blog for those previous posts. What a world of difference Abilify has made in my life.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Cute chickie. (Happy Saturday!:)

Not much to say on this Saturday. I had stuff to work on, like the library volunteering and grant stuff but I ended up taking a clonipin for the first time in weeks for anxiety. The day was shot as I tried to read, no wasn't happening, mostly ended sleeping it off.

As Scarlett O'Hara says ('Gone With the Wind'), "Tomorrow is another day!"

Friday, January 16, 2009

Experiencing a time of 'fair seas.'

It's not that I'm overly happy although I am revved right now because I made the mistake of watching 'scrapbooking' stuff on HSN (Home Shopping Network, which I am NOT going to buy anything off of!!:) and I should have kept it on C-Span.

We lowered our cable to Basic to save money and tell you the truth I don't miss the other channels too much except for TLC (I love my 'Jon & Kate Plus Eight and 'Little People.' Wanh! Goodbye!) and the Food Network (God, of course I would miss That one!) and of course my Clean House shows.

But NOW I can watch Lou Ferigno in 'The Hulk' and David Hasselhoff in 'Knight Rider' in his heyday on the RTN channel (the ReTro Network!) and lots of WETA (PBS). And of course, get addicted to the shows that show up on 'regular TV.' Oh how I need technology to sleep.

Anyhoo, I was writing to report that my therapist who I saw on Wednesday said that she noticed for the second time in a row that I seem more clear headed, less jittery, and more even than usual. She asked me if this bothered me, as she heard that some bipolars miss the ups and downs.

Nope. I like being even.

That's what I take this slew of drugs for, that's what has been the goal all this time.

Now I can focus on my real goal, to lose weight (#1 priority, and then there are other priorities, and yes I wrote out my NY's resolutions and tacked them where I can see them every day. It's a trick to remind yerself (think Forest Gump in my diction, here:) rather than have to focus on being stable. That is a great feeling, better than feeling off your rocker constantly. (And I don't mean I feel 'normal' or 100% stable, Gosh no, that's just not for me (sarcasm/anger), just more even than usual, Thank God (sincere)!!!!)

I know I will return to 'off your rocker' stage at some point, or at least I say I'm prepared for it since that's what I do, although I don't look forward to it. It's nice to enjoy some peace while I can.

(P.S. ~ I think I can enjoy being 'even' because I know that I can so easily jazz myself into a slight mania (like over scrapbooking) to lift myself if necessary. There. That was much more succinct.)

Emotional eating.

Apples, Webshots

I realized something this evening (or should I say morning, since I'm still up at 2 a.m.?) ~ something I've kind of realized but now is hitting home for me more.

I definitely emotionally eat (I recognize this from an excellent article from WW online) and one of the ways I do it is to use food to...are you ready for this? Stay up. Yes, I think subconciously sometimes I don't want to sleep (nightmares, previous experience, excitement, a little bit of mania, I don't know what) and I use food to be energized to serve the purpose of staying up.

Along the lines of accepting that this is indeed happening, is the acceptance that I really am bipolar. What? You say. Isn't this blog all about you being bipolar? Isn't every minute of your life enraptured, and reminded about being bipolar? No. I forget. Sometimes I really do. Then I get reminded that "I have a major mental illness" from my therapist, or else the County couldn't treat me. (She means that in a 'good' way, she is giving me part of the criteria of why they treat me).

I've been thinking and searching within.

However, knowing it (I eat for emotional reasons; I'm bipolar) is probably the first step in dealing with either issue, but they are both still a struggle.

To end on a positive note, I got a fortune cookie that said "One of the first things you should look for in a problem is its positive side."

Positive side to emotional eating and bipolar, that I can see so far: Knowing is part of the battle.

Friday, January 9, 2009

A little Serenity.

West Highland Terrier, Webshots
Cougar in Winter, Montana, Webshots

Carrizo Plain National Monument, California, Webshots

I woke up very early this morning. My life is different without Seroquel ~ I can actually get up in the morning and I think I have a fighting chance at losing some weight. It’s amazing how one’s life can change.

I thought about if I had had a kid a couple of years ago, how they would have seen their Mom struggle to get up in the morning. I think about what could be, if I try a little harder to at least be up in the morning and then maybe to work out more.

It isn’t complete laziness, it was the medication and depression that kept me a sleeping beauty for years. I have worked hard in the past, worked at jobs, getting my degree, working jobs again. I have had a weird setback or more in life and it has taken babysteps to get back on the right path. It seems I dropped out of life and am trying to slowly get back in it on my terms. It’s a slow process.

I can do some things, just not all things that a job requires. I am finding my own way in what I can handle and what I cannot. The wise words ‘to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can’ come to mind. These words are finally beginning to seep in.

It’s true that it’s easy to lose ‘focus’ when you are home all the time. But you also redefine what ‘focus’ means. The things I want to do. The things I am capable of doing.

And I am thankful that I don’t have to answer to much of anyone throughout the day, except to keep myself busy and to keep my life going. Because it would upset others if I quit, even if I get to point that I think quitting myself is a not a big deal. I’m so lucky because I have that balance and freedom.

A friend told me yesterday that when she is at home and has to take care of things, she does one thing that she doesn’t like to do, and then rewards herself with things she does like to do, even it’s playing a game of solitaire on the computer. Some small reward. That is good advice for getting going when you don’t want to ~ have something backed up as a reward that you like to do to get over it.

Got the cat on my lap right now.

I’m into Suze Orman of late. In other words I read some downloaded material this morning. I’m just glad to be able to read and process at this time. I used to love reading and could suck in reading material. Now I admit I am getting back into the groove again.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Lowered Happy Quotient (aka agitated) for a day or two; and talking 'bout Ebay

But a mere two days ago I had lots of energy and felt, well, happy. Well, I would be amiss if I always gave the impression that life is perfect, and that I'm a happy bipolar. I am bipolar, I am not happy about it, and life is not perfect. Yup, I said it.

I have been agitated and cranky today. And while I certainly am blessed and always am, I realize, I will change my imood to reflect my agitated state.

Yes, it Must be nearing that time of month, which I admit is probably the main problem. And I admit that I don't understand my moods. I don't understand when I'm physically under the weather and Tart just shouldn't push it so much, be kind to thyself, Tart.

I hate that moods can and do change and so darn quickly. I hate that moods seem so tied to who I am and what I can do. I have thinking about being on Disability of late too.

I have decided to do what I can for my family and try and sell my Dad's books on Ebay. I am working my way to being able to open the boxes, maybe just one box that I sent home to myself after going through Dad's apartment those almost two years ago.

My Dad LOVED books, he treated them with reverence and there are some there from the 1980's and beyond in perfect condition. I feel that I have the okay to sell them, as his very good friend told me that Dad had been thinking himself of selling books on Ebay, so it's not like it's a new idea.

I know what his problem was ~ he couldn't part with them! And I know how that feels because I feel the same way. It's just that they would be blessing someone else and help my family out just a little if they weren't sitting in boxes in my office.

I haven't talked about this before. But if I were to start my real selling on Ebay this is what I've got. I know that I'll keep a zillion books for myself, because they are a Father's gift to a Daughter, and I can't part with them all, there is too much sentimental value to those self-help books.

But some things, like books on improving the brain (which I certainly should care about but don't), I have let go of one so far. And it was therapeutic.

Aaug, it makes me sad to think about it, so maybe I am not ready yet. And maybe no one will buy them. But I get a little bit excited about it, because Ebay is a buzz for me. It truly taps into something manic for me, especially if you win something on it.

I just won the book 'Suze Orman's Women & Money' off Ebay. It's coming from a seller with 100% good feedback (always important) and I am waiting for it to be mailed to me.

I admit that it was really a high and I was on pins and needles as I kept checking to see if I was 'still the highest bidder' on the book. I know I can't be alone in this. What gives you a personal high, if you are bipolar or not?

Monday, January 5, 2009

Hello early Janvier happenin's (that's January in Francais)

I got very busy today. Not in a manic way, except that I pulled out many things to do and haven't stayed with them, which is probably more manic than not. But I don't feel revved or feel the motor running.

I did follow through and actually wrote down everything I ate today in my online Weight Watcher's journal. WW online is a deal ~ I think I pay $16.95 a month for the service, which is way cheaper than going to meetings and it fits my lifestyle perfectly. I don't feel energized or helped by going to WW meetings in person. Instead, I feel funny, looked at and not particularly supported. My online thing is for me and operated by me, and it has worked in the past!

So I measured my hamburger helper today (cooked) to a one cup portion (I realize that's not dietetic but I wanted to use up the last box of the stuff!) and measured my broccoli to know how much I was getting. This was a first that I can remember, making the effort to measure. But I figured that I would have no clue how much I ate otherwise. Yaaay me!!

That's the 'joy' of Points with WW ~ you know what you ate, if you stay accountable through the day. I don't use my Points perfectly *yet* (hah!) but I am IMPROVING. And the Tart is all about improving.

I pulled out my copy of "Body Clutter" love your body, love yourself by FlyLady, Marla Cilley, and her friend Leanne Ely today. I have read snippets of it here and there, mostly because my attention span is shot for book reading anymore. Such a shame. But anyway, you can see I'm on the bandwagon again.

I ordered my FlyLady calendar today, as well. I could have gotten one back in August, as the calendar starts in August 08 and ends December 09. I can't live without it. It's got huge areas to write your appointments in ~ it's a can't miss to see when you look at the month and I like being able to see a whole month at a time instead of just a week at a time like in my tiny Pug day planner that I can carry with me. I guess I can write down my next appointments with the County people when I'm there in the tiny planner and then transfer it to my FlyLady calendar when it gets here.

Have you heard of It's a free site where they can teach you to clean your house up (you got my attention!), recipes for dinner, and support for as I (never demeaningly) call our 'inner slob.' I love sharing my 'inner slob' with others so we can feel more on the same level. That's just how I operate.

My Wii love is continuing. I have played Every Day since getting it. Now we have purchased Wii Play (cause Wii Fit is still unavailable in our area, not to mention the price) which has Billiards, Shooting, Fishing, a Pong-like game, a Run-yer-cow into the Scarecrows game (never won it yet!), a Find the Miis game and more. Fun, fun, fun! It makes getting your arse off the couch a blast and you don't hardly notice it. The payment to these people for getting me UP and exercising is Worth it!!

I went shopping today at the warehouse store and the regular store. I stay inside so much that shopping is my main contact with people outside the home. I know, that seems sad but I am a fairly happy person. And isn't that precious for a bipolar to say?:)

(*P.S. ~ I've lost an inch!! Yes, since starting my waist measuring thing sometime in early December I think, I lost the lil' bugger somewhere! Goodbye inch! Yer not welcome back on me!:)