Hankering for Potato Chips.

Well, I've been on the new concoction of meds for about a week now, including an uppage of Seroquel to 200 mgs. My God, that stuff can make you crave food. I want to eat and eat it seems, and the saltier the better. I dare not weigh myself, for when I do, it is apparent that I am gaining. Wanh.:(

So far I am Not feeling the shakes from the Abilify, nor do I notice anxiety being a severe problem - at this point. I am also on .5 of Xanax, which is for anxiety, and I don't know (read:think) that it does much of anything, but who knows.

It's only week one, I think many of these meds take two weeks to really get going in your bloodstream, so I'll keep you updated especially on the Abilify, because I really do think it takes two weeks for that.

Breakthrough!

I went to the pdoc today. I told him to look at me and not his computer, that it was very important to me that I be able to trust him. He obliged and had a real conversation with me.

It was a little difficult on my end at first because I knew there was so much to say and not a lot of time to say it (15 minute appointments, Hello!). I even said I was in a bit of a quandry because of the time crunch and I didn't want to sound like I had 'pressured speech' but what can I do?

First of all, he thought it very smart of me to up that certain medicine on my own. He says he is here to work with the patient and that I obviously did the right thing. (I guess because I'm better today?). He praised my intelligence, which was, well, nice.

We talked honestly about Abilify. There was some questioning as to why I got off it, why I had asked him to take me off it. I explained that my husband was worried about the shakes, and that he worried that they were permanent, especially because he would see the damn Abilify commercials and it said something about permanent issues. Before the pdoc could say anything, and he tried, I continued that I thought the commercial was talking about tarkive diskonesia (a supreme effort on my part to spell that!:). The pdoc confirmed that - he said that the shakes are a side effect of Abilify (and later I confirmed that anxiety is also a side effect of it!) - but they are not permanent, as is obvious because when I stopped the Abilify the shakes went away.

So upshot: we decided to put me on Abilify again.

I am much happier with this scenario than any other, although I might have been willing to go on Lithium again, yes I feel that bad.

For those of you not familiar, the whole drug thing and mental illness is such a crapshoot. The fact is, we are all different and different drugs work for different folks. That is why I am not fond of posting what I am on, or saying to someone this is what you should be on. Also, there are plenty of people that don't want to be on medications, although in my view there are plenty of people that need them regardless. I have been doing this - meaning taking medications and advocating for myself - for a long time. I know, without a doubt, that it is the wagon that I need to be on.

I know that I have the right diagnosis. The more time goes on, the more I read, the more textbook I realize I am. That is a good thing. Thank God, and I mean that with all my heart, that He saved me at a young age with my real diagnosis. I know many are not so lucky.

But what sucks, is that even with the right diagnosis and the knowledge that I should be on meds, even with taking the meds religiously and correctly according to how they are prescribed, even with complying with all outpatient activities, so to speak, the Monster still has the capacity to take me down. I am not immune, nor probably ever will be, to the effects of my bipolar. I am bipolar, or should I more correctly NAMI say it, I have bipolar.

Additionally, that some of you may find of interest, I realize that I must compartmentalize my life, in some fashion. This idea came to me when I was watching a recent documentary on the Kennedys (after Ted's death) on PBS of course (the channel full of documentaries!) and they were talking about Teddy's older brother JFK. Whatever you think about the Kennedys, it clear that JFK had a womanizing problem, even while married to Jackie. They were discussing it, with a cameo of one of the his secretaries saying that he admitted that he just couldn't help it. But what was interesting to me was that JFK certainly had to compartmentalize his life in order to have all the aspects of it, to keep some grip on it. He must have sectioned off, in his own mind, these different aspects of his life, in order to perform all his duties, be enormously in the public eye, be a husband, a father, an occasional runner with the 'Rat Pack,' and so forth, not to mention that he had Addison's (sp?) disease, and worked diligently to keep it from the public eye. He was actually quite sick, it was cortisone shots that made him look healthy for the Nixon debate.

In some way, I know I compartmentalize, because even though I discuss it ad nauseum here on the blog, that fact is I've got an illness with a massive stigma, and I don't wear it on my sleeve for the outside world. I'm sure most of us do it in some way, to keep our lives in order.

Blah, blah. The real point is I have some HOPE after seeing the pdoc that maybe things can be better, maybe Me will come back (which has been a serious concern for me). I will try to keep everyone updated on how that switch from no Abilify to 10 mgs of being on Abilify goes (people should know they can get shakes and anxiety with the stuff. I know I would have appreciated knowing!:).

Gonna go make dinner! Hope Things are going well for blog land!:)
And we're out,
:)'Tart

Tart sheds Abilify, goes through med change.

I went to the p-doc on Thursday and just like that, I am no longer on Abilify. Instead, Seroquel in much smaller doses than I used to take it will replace it.

In the process of getting rid of the Abilify, I must take it every other day to wean myself off of it. So I am in the process of doing that.

So far my mood has been stable and I am remaining positive. Hopefully I will shed the shake (my left-hand shaking and jaw shaking), stop the weird involuntary shifting and moving of my legs and Stop the Anxiety.

I didn't think I got anxiety so much until I started taking the Abilify. I did not realize what a debilitating thing anxiety can be until I experienced it. It makes the world a different place for the anxiety experiencer. Everything is a threat, the stress level is high, everything worries me, and I always feel that stress in my lower back. That's me though.

I hope to soon not need the sorting labels at the bottom that say Abilify anxiety.

My left hand feels like it is turning into a claw, it tightens up so much and I'm left-handed. Anyway...

I got out my guitar today. I use the beautiful Yamaha I got in high school for getting better than a B in Trigonometry in summer school sooo many years ago (plus I was just out of the hospital and still somehow managed to do well. My mom made me this deal with the guitar and I love my steel string Yamaha).

I got an Esteban guitar for myself for Christmas a couple of years ago and the guitar itself is crap because the strings go out of tune so easily. I don't know if this is because it is strung for classical and the strings are nylon and simply cannot hold tuning. I hope that I could get it re-strung and it would make it better.

The Esteban also has an amp that I honestly haven't played much with as I am just trying to learn the guitar and the Esteban is not like a 'real electric guitar' like a Fender or a Gibson, which someday I would like to have. Heck, I would like to have lessons, too.

In lieu of lessons though, I have the next best thing, which is the Esteban DVD's. This may have been the best thing about buying the Esteban guitar because the DVD's teach with Mr. Esteban himself the guitar lessons. I am still learning arpeggios and simple stuff and I do it on my steel string guitar and it is very fun.:)

Putty in the Paws.

I've been going through a med change, changing from Atenenol to Propanenol to help better with the shakes of Abilify. There have been a few days of jittery, anxious miserableness with that.

In the bigger picture, I finally left the puppy at home today, and went grocery shopping. It has been hard for me, because the two of us are attached at the hip ~ in a nutshell, I hate to see or hear her cry. I'm a softie for it. But it's got to happen sometimes and I want her to not have separation anxiety so she's got to be separated from me for short spurts. She recovered from all that just fine and she's back sleeping in my lap again.:) I AM PUTTY!!

Christmas time, Bavaria, Germany

Hello my Beautiful Blogger Friends!!

I know I have been away from blogging for a week or so, but I will most likely be away this week as well, this time more planned though, as I will be away from home and my trusty computer for Christmas! Yes, I am leaving to go see the inlaws.

Instead of leaving Saturday as planned though, we are delaying ourselves because of the weather in the states we will be traveling through. I consider it a safety measure that any airline flying person would take, we instead are DRIVING, like fools.

My very anxiety ridden self has actually been saying some 'Hail Mary's' (learned from a Catholic computer program years ago), some 'Our Father's' (my grandmother originally taught it to me, she was Methodist) and I threw in the 'Serenity Prayer' along with my morning prayer or 'talking to straight' to Heavenly Father this morning.

When I was doing the fundraiser for my drop in center a few months ago, one of the sweet friends I have there asked me if I have anxiety disorder. You know, I've never been diagnosed with it - as in a doctor saying I had it, or giving it a name like it was a disorder - but they started giving me clonapin to take. I think it's a side effect of Abilify, much like the shaking and the clonapin, which helps with anxiety, was added on for this reason.

So, I am a tense lil person (although not much is lil on me!) and I admit that I am worried some about the weather. But my husband is a very capable person and I am most of all in the capable, loving hands of God. So come what may, we're going to try to get there. I guarantee I will have a white Christmas!

So I most likely will be gone this week, as Husband's 90-year-old grandmother only has dial up I think it will be like banging my head against the wall to get to do all the things I like to do at home on a much faster line.:)

I truly wish you all joys at Christmas time. I know some of my friends enjoy it greatly and others have a hard time this time of year more especially. I wish God's blessings on you all. May we be blessed by one another through Him - taking care of each other as we can.

We have our shopping done, we've got to wrap everything, pack everything, drop off the cat at the boarding place. We will be watching the weather and deciding the best time to pounce and go for it. "...Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death (Hail Mary, full of Grace, Blessed art thou amongst women, Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen - full text)." This has been giving me comfort lately. Hey, it keeps me from taking Clonapin!!:):)

I should be back by next week, before the New Year so I can wish everyone a fabulous 2009 then!! TTYS, Love Tart

:)Tart

Finally doing better on Abilify.

One of the things I noticed with Abilify was a real sense of anxiety, when I first got on it, which takes about two weeks to kick in, as with most medications, and especially when I was on a higher dose of it.

After much convincing of my Pdoc, after him moving this around and that, I made him see that I was on a little too much of the Abilify.

I have been on a lowered dose of it for a month or two and I think I have found something I can live with.

Negatives: still have some anxiety that I don't think I would have if Abilify wasn't in my life.

I have mentioned before that I didn't think that anxiety was a big deal BEFORE. I now see that it can be quite debilitating depending on the level of it, and I personally can't stand feeling that way. So I am glad to have less anxiety, although it is still there, but is very much reduced.

The restless legs thing. I still get moments where I move a lot. I think Atenenol, a derivative of Propanolol (misspell? I'm sorry) the Anti-shake med is helping enormously. The jaw shake is much, much lessoned too. But both leg and jaw, and sometimes hand shake still exist. An Abilify thing, I believe.

The positives: I am not an angry little beyotch anymore. This is so exemplified in my driving. Driving separates the angry from the sane. Seriously. That's where you'll see it, that's a big place where calm at most all times it seriously necessary. And my Mom will get in the car with me now, and comments on how much a better driver I am. Rainmain: I'm a good driver. I'm a good driver. Really.

In general, my anger is down, and patience is up. How great is that? I do attribute it to the Abilify.

I don't know it's uses in Autism, although I have heard that it is being used now.

As with most medications in different illnesses - bipolar, Autism, schizophrenia, ADD, epilepsy, etc., just like with cardiac and diabetes medications to name just a FEW - it is often a trial and error thing to find the ones that work for that specific person.

Some meds work so well for some people, the same med for the same disorder, does not work well.

I believe it is worth the trial and error to find the right med(s), even if it sometimes means a stay in the hospital, for a better quality of life. It is a choice to live or to give up, in some situations. I applaud the decision to live.

There's no shame in shaking

In fact to have the Abilify shake, the Lithium shake, the whatever-yer-on shake, in public no less, is Not a sign of weakness.

No, in fact, for every numnut (I like it spelled that way, thank you) that you feel like looks at you funny, you are empowering someone out there to be themselves.

What is it about our society that is so hung up on appearances anyway?

You've got to learn to love and be kind to yourself and you will attract kindness in your life.

Ignore the rest. Easier said than done, for me, but I know it's true.

I know because although my Atenenol has nearly obliterated my shake, I think about people I know that still do, and some pretty empowering people too.

Now for some of you the idea of having shaking hands or being embarassed of it doesn't even enter your mind. Well, nevermind for you. But for those of you that have it, you are not alone, and you don't have to feel bad.:)

A wonderful person I look up to that started a great program around here for the mentally ill - no no one you've heard of from me before - has got the shakes big time.

And I respect her so much that I thought of how empowering it is for me that she shakes to the dickens and doesn't worry about what anyone thinks of it, and does great, organizing, empathetic things for others and it just doesn't matter.

It's not a sign of weakness, rather one of empowerment.:)

I survived a social outing! (that I was dreading.)

It's such a long story as to why it's so painful for me but suffice to say, I went to a birthday party (sans present, because I was told two days ago, and didn't KNOW this was a birthday party!) where a person that I pretty much have bad feelings about also attended. I have good reason to not like this person but I will not go into it now. And I noticed that this person avoided me like the plague as well, even though I walked in cheerful and talkative and trying to be engaged in the conversation.

You know when you go to one of those stuffy joints, with stuffy people and just feel uncomfortable the whole time? That's how I felt. I could barely eat, even though the food was good, but, whatever. I hated the fact that I shook while eating, but whatever. (I shake because of meds, but I notice it and feel embarrassed. So that's uncomfortable. My husband ignores it, but I don't know how much it freaks other people out.)

BUT, I went out. I went over there. I DID engage in some conversations, and listened and did not butt in on many of them! In other words, dear friends, I tried to act normal. If normal is being quiet (and acting shy) when you're not necessarily. It's like you don't want to speak because I'll be embarrassing myself, even though people talked about plenty of inappropriate-you'd-think-it-would- be- party-killers-things. It about killed me, but I was as normal as I could be. And it was brave for me. I knew I was afraid to go, I had been avoiding it all weekend and I went anyway.

Mia graduates intermediate puppy school today

and I am not there, mostly because I can't even take a picture with a camera in public without shaking. And that place makes me nervous, as if I wasn't enough already. My first pug nearly went out the door once years ago, and I hate watching the 'running thru the aisles' thing. So husband's a little pissed that I didn't show. I think he'll get over it.

Yes, she does have a harness for the car, much like this one above. Doesn't always wear it though. And she never looks This Relaxed!:)

I am in between medications, coming down from a higher Abilify to a lower dose. I still feel a little shake in the left hand and the jaw and the legs are restless. I am able to tolerate people well, and am considering going into the community more and joining things. Considering. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.:)

Have a great weekend!

Hello, I'm angry.

I AM angry that I still shake. And I am sick of anxiety.

Once again, we return to thoughts of how chemicals (pills) affect the chemicals in your brain. They, meaning the pdoc and those who see fit, find that the chemicals that they embrace for me do better for me than all these pesky side effects. After all, THEY are not experiencing them.

And that brings to mind, how utterly annoying it is to be in the throes, verily, the shackles of what those drugs do. You give me a pill, it does one thing to me. You give me a pill to counteract it, it does something else.

Only people that have to go through this only the daily f*n basis of this, as I do, do I see can understand this.

There are people told to take drugs and they won't do it. There are people, like me, that take the drugs exactly as told, at the exact times prescribed, the whole shebang, and continue to suffer.

And so we are supposed to suffer as my friend Tracy wrote in a post, but you know what? It sucks. No matter if the world would think your suffering nothing, by the way, and you consider it considerable, you DO have something in common with everyone else, but I find mine so polarizing, so unusual, so having of so few people who give a damn, have it, or have it and share it, that once again, I'm just going to put on my Wonder Woman face and say I've done a good job, pat myself on the back and probably not have anything to say on the blog for a while.

Happy Father's Day

I had a nice Father's Day, getting to see my parents in law this weekend. Although I could not see my Dad (on earth again), it was nice to see my husband's dad, who is a very nice person. I think he understood it was nice for me to get to hug 'someone's' dad for the occasion.:)

I have been upped to more Atenenol, as I expected from the pdoc. This has not changed much, because I am still on Abilify and still have a left hand shake, jaw shake and anxiety.

Thanks to those of you who still check on the blog, even minus comments. I 'knows' you're there. Carry on.

Just to blog, to prove I'm here...

I'm definitely manic a lot these days, with tarkenisia setting in, especially in my jaw. My jaw moves constantly and if I try to stop it, my teeth grind. This after reducing my Lithium even more. So does this not prove that Abilify is causing this? This did not occur with the same mixture of meds that I've been on the whole time.

I focus on other things, like typing, eating, being, but that jiggling of the mouth is always there.

On a nicer note, my husband fixed up my bicycle very nicely for me. I'm not an avid bicycle rider but he enjoys mountain bike riding himself, and it made him happy to put it all together so well for me. He is so kind to me, and thinks of me by doing things, like many men. I feel very lucky that way.

The mania is shown with me doing stuff on the computer, 24 - 7. I feel weird if I don't check my email a LOT. I need to get off this thing. Like many manics, I can't focus on just one hobby, I can't do anything it seems.

At least with the computer, or emails, or whatever on it, you don't feel the need to explain in a face-to-face why Your Face is jiggling. I want to cry. How is this going to get better? How will it ever end?

I don't know what to say. I've never met anyone with ANY of these problems. Granted, I stay inside a lot, or go to public places like stores to buy what I need and get out. I don't socialize except to close friends and they are people that understand me very well. I'm not complaining per se about lack of socialization, but I wonder if I should attempt to join a NAMI group of mentally ill or something like that. Maybe I would scare them?

What is with Abilify and anxiety?

Since recently surviving Lithium toxicity, which has been blamed on me being sick and getting dehydrated (drink your water!), I have also endured a great deal of anxiety.

I'll be honest about anxiety. I didn't think it much of a 'mental illness' or serious issue before. Before lambasting me for that, I want to say that the condition is indeed REAL and unfortunately, can feel to me at least, nearly debilitating.

My site was never for Scientologists or those who want to debunk mental illness, because mine is hereditary (several generations of dead people who never had a chance to teach me their problems, especially since mine onset before voting age, to say the least) and it's f'n undeniably real, no matter how (A-MAZ-ing) people want to deny it.

People deny the Holocaust and a lot of other things, but guess what, it happened and so did a lot of other things. It's real, along with the fact that I take a LOT of meds including Abilify now.

Now, before going to a hospital and being encouraged to take some Benadryl and Clonapin in my IV to stand the process of being detoxed (that's a fair assessment of what occured, and it was effective. Each day my toxicity went down a lot) I was encouraged by my Pdoc to take Clonapin for the mounting anxiety that I felt assumably because of my Abilify, before any of that occurred.

I see Clonapin for the narcotic it is, as a strong drug, and try to keep from taking it. It is said to be addictive, and I don't want it, if I can possibly help it. I think it's because I'm already on so much, and none of this knowledge about Clonapin makes me feel better.

I want the anxiety gone. Abilify has been so good to me. So I guess it's a Pdoc's really hard job of giving a narcotic (Clonapin) to mute the good things of another drug.

For instance, I slept for three years, later and later (til 'Oprah time'), until Abilify - where I got up this morning at 6:30 a.m. - which I have pointed out is a Holy Miracle. Give me Clonapin and I'll sleep till 10 or later.

But moreover, I'm shaking as I write this, I worry about the damndest things, conscious and unconcious dreams. That is the point.

I now don't know if my shakes, fears, and freakouts are of Abilify or of something else. To be fair, I see the Pdoc tomorrow to analyze a blood test taken 2 weeks ago for Lithium, etc.

I can attest, once again, that it takes fortitude to withstand these illnesses. I can write another entire post about how I felt socially burned & hurt, and started thinking of those who spurn me because they don't know, they just don't get it, I got triggered so easily, just last evening.

It is when you feel your lowest there is some strength to be found (Honestly? About a half hour to an hour LATER!). That includes anger, which I had to get thru today.

So who's Lithium is working (mine??)? Who's Abilify is working or could be blamed for overwhelming anxiety (does this happen to others?)? I don't know the answers, but the fact I'm still here to discuss and don't give up, I give myself props, and encourage others the same.