Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
I think this is because I am re-conditioning my body. I slept for only two hours the past few nights, woke up and then took a nap later. My body is confused and without a certain medication (Seroquel) that it has been used to, and needs time to adjust.
So, I am not worried. :)
My Mom sent me this GREAT link! You have just got to see it, it can't help to put a smile on your face. Plus, I believe it's the music of Michael Buble, my favorite. (Oops! No, it's Harry Connick, Jr., who sounds good, too:) Enjoy!!
Friday, November 21, 2008
I ended up not going to bed until 4 a.m. (watching 'Citizen Kane' in the meantime - "ROSEBUD!!" - and cross-stitching till the wee hours) and then still getting up at 8 a.m. and here I am still up, and not wanting to go back to sleep. Yaay, me!!
I say 'Yaay, me!!' but what is clear is that I am a creature of chemicals, whether my own or the medication (and I admit that this contributed to some of my meltdowns yesterday - what an emotional, moody day that was for a while, as I became angry and sad all at once after these realizations. I took a break from blogging about surviving Seroquel for a day to see if I would in fact survive!:).
Meaning: I am so affected by a little 'ol pill. If not affected by a little 'ol pill I am left to a seemingly more natural state, which it looks like I AM CAPABLE of getting up in the morning, something that my body had completely forgotten for years at I have been medicated for years.
If not for the fact that I have had 2 hours of sleep and and am OH SO awake, I was considering getting off the Seroquel for good and not taking it anymore. It is just so awful to almost see the food cravings, to see myself unable to move in the morning or wanting to go back to bed so badly after taking it the night before that I want to be off it. At the same time, I don't want to risk mania (you heard it here, folks. As a bipolar I, mania takes me to Saturn, not a day of charging it at the mall or even within this stratosphere) by getting no sleep for days.
I help 'clean up' the big grant tonight at five, so I have something to do this evening and that usually revs me, and keeps me up late. Time will tell what will happen tomorrow - in the morning and if I get more sleep. If not, I will allow myself to have a wasted day on Sunday after taking it again. What's one wasted day, when you realize you have wasted years on this stuff?
See, I am my own pdoc half the time. I wanted so badly to call and ask what the hell to do yesterday when my mood was up, down, all around, and I was scared as to what was happening. But my Pdoc is only around on Mondays and nobody at the County answers these kind of calls. After years of dealing with Them, I knew I was on my own.
I did have moments, one moment I can remember, of feeling suicidal. But every moment was so fleeting, even that didn't last long, without much effort on my part. Thank God for the emotional ADD that occurs with this illness.
I think it's important to blog this stuff out, put it out there for other people who feel that their 'chemicals' (natural or not (the meds)) are messed up, because as bipolars, I think people relate and don't have people talking about it much.
My husband laughed when I said I was mad that a little pill could turn me upside down like this. I said, "I'm glad you can get a little chuckle out of this." He said, well don't you know, that's why you take the meds in the first place, because your chemicals are out of whack (I paraphrased it). Yes, I must be reminded that I am on Disability for a reason. I must be reminded that for all I accomplish, which seems minor, I do in fact have an illness. That is painful.
On a more positive note, I have shifted into overdrive in finishing the baby cross-stitch and in cross-stitching in general. It's something I can do, it has a neat outcome, because you can see your work and it's pretty. What more could you want from a hobby?:) And at the moment, I have the energy to work on it.
Thanks to all for listening. I hope you have a great day, a well day. I mean that.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Isn't it beautiful?! I want to give it to Tracy, most of all (you are my 'Tart!), and Stacy and Raine.
I hope all have a good day. Hugs!!
I noticed when I went to wash my face two evenings ago that there was no hot water but Husband didn't think too much of it. He noticed it Yesterday, when trying to wash something in the clothes washer. We realized too, that when we ran the dishwasher, that was probably lacking in (wonderful sanitizing) hot water as well.
Hot water comes in HAN-dy, especially when it's cold outside and you don't want to freeze your bejeevers off in the shower. Nothing worse than being cold, naked and nothing but a thin towel to warm you up before you get dressed!!
Husband was home yesterday, as luck would have it, literally for a sick day. He is still not feeling well, but I think figuring out what to do about the water heater is going to be something we will be talking about!!
Speaking of Husband, I finished his scarf!! It's shown on the 'Good Stuff' page, along with a recipe for Chicken Vegetable Soup. Go check it out! www.jungletartsgoodstuff.blogspot.com
I felt like I made it sound like we didn't do so well, when in fact that was quite a bit raised, we only see a small portion of it.
I KNOW that was weighing heavily on your mind and I just had to share!!!
After nearly two weeks of not blogging, I find myself chock full of ideas to blog about!! I will do three little entries this morning, which I would like to add is 7:12 a.m. in the morning. As many know, "I don't do mornings" so you know what a miracle this is.
First thing, I DID NOT MUNCH AFTER DINNER last night!!!!!!!!! What an absolute awesome thing that was, because if you don't eat the calories they can't come back to bite you!! Time will only tell, but I believe strongly that not taking my Seroquel is the key component to lack of munchies last night. I am sooo happy!!:)
But remember, I'm not off it yet. I get two weeks of ups and downs, because tonight I take the darn pill, tomorrow I don't and so on, until I'm more 'weaned' off.
Then, I did finally fall asleep around midnight or 1 a.m. this morning, which is not a surprise since I like to watch a little T.V. in bed and that revs me a little, which I admit keeps me from falling asleep as quickly. Well, if I am medicated, which I almost always am unless I had forgot it, I can fall asleep during my 'last show.' But I did fall asleep without sleeping pills. (Hey, I sometimes have to do what I gotta do, but I do it only when needed). So the P-doc would be happy about that.
THEN, I woke up for Good this a.m. at 6:30 a.m. This is amazing because just a year or two ago, before Abilify, I was capable of sleeping until the afternoon, and then with Abilify (after December 2007) I could easily get up at 10 a.m. take it or leave it, that's an improvement. 6:30 a.m. is amazing!! What am I going to do with all this time? Put some books up on Ebay? Write? Organize? Dance in the morning? Wow! This is a new world! (I hope it lasts, that is my fear with each new 'great' thing).
I was having a little bit of fitful sleep, thinking about how I didn't explain the fundraiser better, because we actually did much better than I explained, and I think I should say so. So I was planning to get on here and write that out.:)
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Well, we made some money last (2 Sat.'s ago) Saturday, just a couple hundred, which is amazing perhaps considering the economy. We must have 'waylaid' every customer that came into the one store that we were allowed to hand out flyers at and there was nice camaraderie amongst the 4-5 women from the center that showed up. I stayed for the whole time, 9 a.m. to 4 p.m., as my intrepid boss was so exhausted and tired from days of working on grants and handling some chaos at the Center, that she really wanted to go home, and that was okay.
We each bought some things from the store, which added to the fundraiser, as well as each had the opportunity to pick out some things for recreation, prizes for games, etc., that the Center paid for. We got lots of fun stuff for a small price!
Friday, November 7, 2008
We hope this will be just the beginning of fund-raisers for the Center in the future.
The Drop In Center's mission is to provide a stress-free, stigma-free atmosphere for people 18 and over who are mental health consumers.
The Center gives mentally ill people a place to meet, to make new friends, to forget about their illness, to get out of the house for a while. People, that alone is a huge deal, whether it sounds like it or not.
This center is one of the few places in our area that the mentally ill can come together and play games like pool and ping-pong, get on a computer, talk to others, and just be! There are activities scheduled for each day and it's also just a place for down time, and getting out of the house. It is proving very successful.
For this fund-raiser, we are setting up a table in front of a local dollar store, where we will be handing out little cards to folks entering it, to remind them that if they mention us, we receive 10% of the profits of their sale.
I made the original arrangements with this particular dollar store to confirm our date (as well as their store across the county, located in a mall that won't let us hand out our flyers/cards. We will just hope for the best there). I started the organizing of it, and am playing an active part in it.:)
This all happened because a flyer of the store came in my snail mail here at the house, and caught my eye because it mentioned they would fundraise for schools and any non-profit.
I told our Executive director about it, and she encouraged me to call and make the arrangements. I was scared to cold call, I'll be honest, but I have made it through, with lots of praying, and I have been encouraged by the Director (she's a wonderful person with a heart of gold), as well as friends and family.
Also, we will be selling arts & crafts (mostly beaded jewlery) at our table. There will be pamphlets about what the center is about there as well.
I will be there bright and early at 8:45 a.m.
At this time, I am CALM and doing Okay about it. I was not thrilled with the idea of contact with complete strangers, or being the face of mental illness for anybody, but at the moment all butterflies and fears have subsided. I am really thankful for the support that I have had on blog and off about this subject!
I went to the Center last night to have a meeting with the founder of the Center and it's Executive director and that actually helped considerably with my anxiety.
They don't want me to stress out about anything, and made sure to let me know that. Not about this fundraiser or the grants we are working on. What wonderful people. Really. They are up to their ears in stress and sometimes chaos, and they are so kind to me. And it worked because I feel better.:)
Oh! And I forgot to update!! - the local newspaper did say they would mention our fundraiser, or try to mention it on their FYI page. That was great because I think my 'old contacts' at the paper made a difference. That made me feel good.:)
I hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend. I wish you each well in your activities, and I'll let you know that I survived mine.:)
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
I set up a fundraiser for my nonprofit for this Saturday. Even though I am having stress dreams and anxiety about handing out flyers to total strangers, I am super proud of the work I have done. Today, it occurred to me that I could try and get it into the newspaper and used one of my old newspaper contacts to try to get it in. We'll see how that goes.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Did you guys know that my husband's cousin had her baby? One day earlier than expected actually, on October 24th. I reveal Baby's name on my good stuff blog, www.jungletartsgoodstuff.blogspot.com .
Even though, or especially because, I don't have children, I get really excited for people having babies. I'm still working on the 'birth record' cross-stitch for the parents of the baby (that's who you really give it to) to be given to them at Christmas.
I hope you have a good rest of the weekend.
It was something that I instituted after receiving a mean-spirited, kamikaze comment from an anonymous person on a well-Googled post of mine.
I felt not only was it meant to be personally cruel to me, with no flavor of helpful criticism, much like an MSN hate board, it really bothered me as to how I was going to respond to it and I ended up deleting it, just like any of us would do with spam.
Signing something 'anonymous' that is cruel, with the person who wrote it obviously afraid you will come back and say something on their blog, or find out anything about them, or to spread a feeling of mean-spiritedness or whatever cop-out reason these people do it is COWARDLY.
So I decided to stop anymore anon's for that time being until I felt a little stronger.
I ask sincerely, that commenter's understand what I have stated from the outset most importantly on this blog - that I have a mental illness and for all my strength with my illness, please be considerate. I don't think, no I know, that I have ever gone to another blog and tried to tear someone apart, and I ask the same consideration from the public.
You can blog with a pseudonym, like me, I am 'Tart, you can not be a blogger at all and simply want to leave a comment, you can be one of my Wordpress friends that I have always valued greatly and appreciate the efforts they have made during my 'anon' moratorium (thank you in particular, Mike Golch) - I'm going to be brave, give it a try and go to allowing all to comment on my blog again.
You may never know how much I value the visitors to my blog, first and foremost.
It has become increasingly important for me to REACH OUT in blog world and the reality world to continue my so-called Recovery from bipolar (I am not convinced I like the word recovery, but that can be a post in itself). It is trust I leave with you, an attempt to lift from myself some of my security paranoia, (which is great, and another post as well).
I wanted to give a heads up on this subject, I may even post something on my sideboard, I don't know. I wish you well, and happy commenting.
Lets101 Quizzes - Fun Quiz
I used to be Deathly Afraid of needles, but I have since gotten over having to have my blood taken. I hope this picture is not too graphic, and doesn't make anyone uncomfortable. It's just the pic that came with this quiz! Everyone have a great day!
Gift Basket for fun
Basically, this just looks pretty, because I don't see how you can access all the cute things I put in there for you and see them up close. Oh, well. Well, try to enjoy it:)
Lets101 - Free Online Dating
Now you just KNOW, that isn't true!! But I'd believe it for the Good Stuff blog.:)