Thursday, October 23, 2008

bipolar has it's week.

I have been trying to think of a way to express myself on blog about what I have been feeling lately, since last night. I started posts, but kept erasing them.

I googled 'pit of despair' this morning, there's stuff on there about the stock market 08, so I feel I can talk about my piddly problems.:) That is some kind of joke, I think, for anyone who cares.

I am at Such A Low, there are almost no words. I know that I don't have a huge support system, not on the web or in life and I am barely hanging by a thread. That is the truth. There are tears flowing down my face. I don't think I make sense anymore. This one is a doozy. I'm going down for the count. I am thinking of ways to off myself and they are scary. There are not a lot of options today.

This is making me simultaneously angry. I have stuff to work on. I have some goals I thought. Oh! And I didn't mention that I singlehandedly started a fundraiser for the Drop In Center (I wrote a few posts down what the heck that is).

Seriously. I got a flyer in the mail for a local dollar store that does fundraisers for non-profits made the calls after talking to the people at DIC and set the thing up. So I should be thrilled that I Accomplished something. Not so, so much. I'm dreading standing outside the building on the chosen day and handing out flyers. It's never enough.

Back to being angry and monstrously sad (nearly simultaneously), is this the crazy almost no-name illness that no one gives a d*n about?

I have tried so hard to accomplish things only to have the illness try so hard to take it away. That makes me bawl just writing it.

Huuuuuuuggggs & blessssings to everyone.

PS- My therapist who I saw on Monday, says last week was hard on a lot of people. She doesn't know if it's the full moon, the change in the weather, or her lack of skills (that was my input here, and no where else) but people are Feeling Bad. Just a note.

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