Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Going to take care of important stuff; I will return

It's been a few days, and I just want to let all in blog land know that I am okay and doing well. The other shoe has not dropped, in the sense that my mother and husband and the love of friends has kept me supported. This support has made it possible for me to throw myself in and make arrangements, phone calls, phone calls, and phone calls, scheduling, all things necessary to have my Father's service. I feel his prescence often, and it doesn't concern me at all, because he was a loving sweet man who wanted nothing but the best for me. So how could I ever fear that? I am grateful for it, I probably crave it.

So I will definitely be off blog for a bit. His service is next week, and we will also be going to another state to go through his things. I know sadness will hit me, the longing to speak to him, which I do anyway (when no one else is around), to tell him I love him and hope that he did not experience pain when leaving for the next life. I am so lucky to know that he loved me and that he knew I love him, regardless of anything, no matter what, even in case of this. We were so not ready for this.

There is no buffer for real pain. God is not going to raise my dead so that I will not be sad. It is harsh. I know this is something I MUST walk through, it is natural, it is unavoidable. In that context, I see my other pain, the bipolar ups and downs, are something that He gave me too. I must go through them, they cannot be taken away.

Conversely, I think that if I don't give up on Him, if I keep hanging in there, He's going to guide me. To where, I still don't know. I am just as imperfect, sinful even, as the next person. That's exactly what he works with. So here I am, waiting, wondering where the journey is going to go. But I'm not going to give up or in. At this point, I'm almost like, "Bring it on!" since I've managed to almost not cry for two days, just out of busyness. I'm thinking this has all been too easy, as I am no stranger to emotional pain. Shouldn't I be shook to my core? So far I'm not. Somehow, I think its okay, I just won't SEE him for a long time, I am going to MISS him forever and I am still hurt by how quickly he went and I could not be with him, but I feel him in my life more than ever, so how can it hurt? I'm being honest about how it is at the moment. I'll update as things go, if anyone wants to chart the grieving process, or me in the middle of it.
And I want to Thank so much for my friends in blogland, your comments, your concern for me and the beautiful tulips. How utterly sweet mysti, thank you so much. :) :) :) What a beautiful time of year, when everything is coming alive, renewing. I am thankful for that. I also think I now adore tulips along with the daffodils that come up in my yard! :) :)

I'll talk soon.


Thursday, March 8, 2007


I wanted to go ahead and let everyone know that my Dad passed away this morning. It is a shock and a very sad thing for those of us who loved him dearly.

Dad is one of the few people that I knew that I let actually check up on the blog. It occurs to me how sad it is that he won't be doing that anymore.

As is probably expected, I go thru bouts of crying interspersed with very together moments. This is necessary because I am taking care a lot of those issues that happen after the death of a loved one.

I love you Dad. I will always love you. We already miss you so much. So now I go the rest of my life without seeing you, until its my turn. That goes out not only to internet land, but to the universe.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Best Friends Video - just wonderful!


11 Years, and Unceremoniously Dumped.

I have frankly been trying to recover from a fit of rage that overcame me two days ago. It was so bad that papers involved with the problem have now been mashed, scrunched, whipped on my stairs, thrown in the air and otherwise will always be crinkled, no matter how much they have been attempted to be flattened while in a calmer state.

Useless Therapist now, really and truly, has lived up to her name.

You see, every bit of information on Bipolar, whether in book form, on the internet, common sensical knowledge states that the illness is chronic. A Bipolar person never recovers from Bipolar, instead you learn to live with it (and sometimes that is quite a trick) but you can guarantee that there will be beautiful moments and those when it raises its ugly head. Sometimes it raises itself right into an institution. You'll live with it til the day you die. So you need support, duh.

So UT and I agreed that our usual form of therapy (me talking in lightening speed trying to get her updated to my life, her usual answer "Well, you seem to be doing well.") was not working. My suggestion was a more structured time where I perhaps even provided an outline that she could quickly read, and then SHE could yak. After all the bitch has know me for going on EIGHT YEARS. You'd think she could think of something helpful to say involving me. This would be very different than what we have done before, but I was willing to try because I thought there was something to be said, some kind of hope, to be put in 11 years with a crummy Medicare county program and 8 specifically with her and I thought it would be worth it. The thought of change is really f'n me up, pure and simple.

Turns out, she's not interested in doing something different. She's convinced I don't need her. Without a mention of the time I've known her, she's closing the book on all of it.

I have mentioned be4 about the complete ream that this county program has performed on me, now that I got married. Apparently, a mental ill person getting married is not in the plan. So, they say I'm now charged the full rate (which is considerable) until I prove for the forty millionth time what Husband makes, they insist on including his insurance - WHICH COUNTY PROGRAM DOES NOT ACCEPT - it being an HMO. The upshot is they charge more, force the charge to go to an insurance they already know does not accept and THEN send the bill to Medicare who will now for SOME reason likely reject it as well. Pay more for the same shitty services.

This would be the point in the tirade where I might say, Don't get married, live in sin forever, because its actually a screw if you marry. Well, the hell with that - Get MARRIED if you have the chance and screw the bastards. It's so typical though that the system is set up to not let you 'move on up' to not do better economically. I've seen that in friend's Section 8 issues and issues for the mentally ill in general.

Well, the larger point is UT doesn't think 'she can help me anymore.' I am amazed that there is no mention of the years I've gone to her admittedly useless ass just a 'Here sign this paper' saying I will psychiatrist only.

I went into a fit that night that was so huge, I don't recall getting that upset EVER. I attribute some of it to too much sugar (thank you, Mountain Dew) but it was vile, and Husband witnessed it. I have not slept right. I admit I took waaaay too much Seroquel in an attempt to numb myself because I don't have any other prn to take the place of. Tart needs Valium.

Last night, Husband said something very sensical. He said, "You know its understandable that you are having this much anxiety over this because you have been avoiding this since we got insurance." He means that I've been too chicken to leave the county program and pick an individual insurer psych. I am loathe to change. I keep thinking it will get better or that seniority has its perks. Instead its nothing but a screw.

This is not the first time I found out how much they 'care.' After spending 6 months in a state mental hospital we were promised the state would buy our meds for the rest of the time we lived in the state. What they really meant is, they would do this as long as the federal/state gov't provided for the program or when (if) you ever get your own insurance. They then dumped that on me.

So I'm a lucky mentally ill individual cause I now do have insurance. Call me a Princess, (but I'll still hand you a swift uppercut). The point in my mind is this is a crappy state, a bullshit system, there's no such thing as loyalty or even admitting it. There's more but you've beem TMI'd long enough don't you think?

I'll say this. I was so pissed about this, so pissed that nothing I ever say on this blog seems to matter anyway that I really thought about shutting this thing down or at least leaving it alone for a long time. The truth is, this blog is the reason I don't have to see UT for 5 months at a time. Writing my every whim, mood - cranky or half happy has sustained me and made it possible for me to stay as sane as I have. I'm pretty darn sure of it.

So here it is. I don't know where the rage is supposed to go. I don't know where the frustration is supposed to go. I don't understand why series of events become so overwhelming for me that I wonder thinking, "Cigarette, no." "Eat, no." "Cut myself, no." "Hang myself, no (I probably break one of our fan units. But, I did contemplate it.) There is nothing. No vice, no drug, no thing to make it better. And now I am starting to cry. This is my life. I look at others, I look at Husband and it is infuriating that nothing in his life would make him go this ballistic. I attribute some to the fact he has no hormones. He is my example of stunning brain chemicals, this rock of logicalness and sanity. But yet I am left to deal. I keep thinking I want to go back to the time when the world wasn't impinging on MY world, when I was busy with silly things like wanting to learn to knit or learning how to sell on Ebay. I want this all over. I'm getting an insured psych. I just want to burn the county program, I want to tell them they suck and I'm so mad. As if they'll care. I just want it over.

Tart's (probable) final say on Oscar '07

I have listened with interest for the fashion bloops from E! etc. Here is Kelly Preston, scorched for the dress and flat hair. Why is it that only Tart thinks she's channeling Wilma Flintstone here. Whut thu?! And married to John Travolta, do Scientologist not 'do' stylists? Oh, Wiiiiiiilllllmaaaaa!!!!!

I discovered this picture of the 'Big Three' members of 'Good 'ol Boy Network' that I mentioned below, preparing to induct Maaartin Scorsese. The third name I couldn't think of at the time? Francis Ford Coppola. Silly me.

Pics de E! online

Why I pick Madonna to be my celeb Mama, over Ms. Jolie

We're always hearing how Angelina Jolie is getting a new kid and how she hopes to create an international family with lots of different religions, races, etc.

Goody for her. Some people think she's Saint Jolie already. I think Mia Farrow's got it covered for fostering and adopting children with disabilities, tons of them, and mostly under the radar. She's a saint for having put up with Woody Allen for ten seconds.

As for myself, I prefer Madonna because she's not playing some altruistic card, not trying to save the world or all of the children in it. Frankly, Madonna's in it for herself and I can just relate to that better than any of the other cr*p. What kid wouldn't appreciate the material things in life, a mom that still likes to dance and get down and has insecurities that when its all said and done are relatable to. She a real person. A rich, real person. I don't know what Jolie is and frankly, I don't want to have to get along with everyone else and pretend to be happy and not fight in an ever growing family that was purposely created to shove children into being examples of someone else's cultural and racial ideal. Ms. Jolie is creating a family as some sort of political statement, and who the hll wants to be caught up in that?

Both ladies are rich and powerful. I just don't like the inherent expectation a kid would have to suffer thru that they are some kind of example of world perfection or that they unexpectantly and against their will were chosen for the cult of Jolie. Madonna's kid is just plain going to be spoiled, privileged and probably left to their own thoughts as how to spend that in life. Either child will be in a sphere that most of us will never understand, but I'd rather be spoiled for the fun of it rather than to be expected to perform for my mother's idea of world perfection. The results won't show for another 20 years - can Jolie keep the world interested even up til then? What a question. I think its just better to open the trust fund and have a happy, dare I say, merely vaccuous life.

Monday, March 5, 2007

Two big Bipolar admissions

I am seeing UT tomorrow.

I have managed to avoid her for months now, but if I don't go they will cut me off and I'm not certain I'm ready for that yet. I'm hoping to determine tomorrow if she in fact has anything helpful to say, or not.

Couldn't sleep tonight for nothing. I think this is because I ingested a whole lot of sugar before bedtime. Yes, I delved into the premade Betty Crocker frosting that I have been holding onto for months.

I think I have come to a couple of very interesting conclusions about the state of me lately. And since they are pretty much bipolar related I'm going to share them here. (Oh, lucky you!:)

I think I know why I overeat at night. Once I take my meds, and the singular med that does it is Seroquel, I finally get the drugged out sleepies. Sadly, as I have mentioned before, I don't get tired without the 'quel, a fact of which usually I am pretty much over because Gosh Darn it, I'm special. So I give in to that (the need for drugs to sleep). BUT there is some part of me (which I could pinpoint the reasons on why for this, too) that does NOT want to go to bed. A part of me that fights that sleepy feeling tooth and nail. So what do I do: I eat. I eat for energy to fight the sleepies, I eat to get my mind off of the sleepies, and I think there's a little bit of plain 'ol destructo in there, too.

Understand, all of this has been unconcious for a very long time. And I believe it was with some introspection after reading some of 'Body Clutter' by FLYLady and friends that helped me to come close to this realization. That is a good book, and of course I'm not nearly finished with it. As a matter of fact, I think I put it down cause it was getting a little too painful.

All right, that's one of my bipolar related revelations. The other is this thing I've been btching and whining about for a long time. Mysti will recognize this about me, because I whine about it to her. And that is the fact that I feel like I have no mentor, no one to take me by the hand, someone who's seen it all, show me the way, and Gosh Darn it, make the path just a little easier. Mysti, you and everyone else will be glad to know that I'm thinking of giving up that little whine. Halleluyah, I know you are saying!!

Why did I want one of those, a nifty little mentor? Partly at least, because I thought I was too weak to lead myself upon the paths of life, I was afraid to take the responsibility of admitting that in fact I've been doing it all along and not a half bad job of it. Also, I believe I am choosing to leave behind the fear that I am screwing things up and am choosing to go ahead and accept the power of being more certain in this area, and that I might be able to lead someone else. Maybe I was meant to want one so bad myself, so that I would know what that same feeling is like for another. And maybe the pain, and the semi-decent ways I've learned to deal with it and rise above it are going to be just what someone else in my life is going to need someday.

And to top it off, I am not alone. I am not walking my path, trying to find my way, alone. I've got family, friends - blog and offblog - that sustain me, watch me, help me through it all, the good, the bad, and the just plain nasty. In fact, I don't have one mentor or one person to help me through and make it a little easier, I have several!

Am I scared to finally take the responsibility and accept and live the power that is being a leader? Holy cow, I sure am. But I know its the right thing to do. So instead of letting myself whine in this particular capacity, I have a new way to think altogether.

I thought about the greats: Kay Jamison, Patty Duke, Winston Churchill and a whole slew more who became leaders, someone to look up to, pushing aside personal fears to lead in some way. I thought, wouldn't it be better to let myself push myself closer to that, rather than whine and not accept the wonderful mentors in my life already? I think so.

Big Beautiful 'Kitties'

At some point during this sleepless night I caught a little bit about cheetahs and lions on Animal Planet. Wow! What beautiful creatures. And, as they said, definitely not a big cat to turn your back on!

Friday, March 2, 2007

Help on finding 'Tart's new sister blog - JungleTart's Good Stuff

Hunh. Mysti says she couldn't access the new blog. Here is the url http://jungletartsgoodstuff.blogspot.com/

You should also be able to get to it by clicking on my Profile and it should be at the bottom for all of my blogs (along with this one) called JungleTart's Good Stuff.

I hope everybody gets to see it, bookmark and love it! :)

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Vive!!! Tart's new sister blog is up and running!!!!!!!

All right kids! Behold my new sister blog is up and running (JungleTart's Good Stuff)! I wanted to have a separate place to put my accomplishments: crafts, cookin,' etc. Also, I want it to be a place of inspiration, to talk about the good deeds of others and women who truly inspire. I would like it to be a place to spread some fantastical joy, once in a while.

So what is Adventures going to be? Well, I guess everything else, and what it's always been! Adventures will still continue to have 'good stuff' too! It doesn't always have to be a 'house of rant' either, because I'll keep on talking about my life, good or bad, keep on posting pics, mine or Webshots/someone elses, and all the other thoughts big and small that come in my head. But now, I will have a special place to showcase some of the other things I do, besides blogging, checking my email, karoakeing, watching television and movies, thinking about reading (I have started doing that more!), etc. So:

Vive the sister blog, JungleTart's Good Stuff! A new baby blog is BORN!