Wednesday, August 27, 2008
I am excited, like a kid, about my birthday.:)
My husband's Mom, yes, my MIL, is planning to cook a steak and crableg dinner and get me a cake, since we'll be there for dinner. Isn't that nice?! Then, I guess on Friday, we (Husband, inlaws including BIL) will travel to the beach. I'm not one for crowds, and it is Labor Day weekend, but somehow I think it will be alright and fun!:)
I am looking forward to being poolside and in the pool. I told you all about the horrible bug bite that I got on my leg a few weeks ago. That has nearly healed up with a ton of antibiotics that I'm still taking. The PT (physical therapy) people told me to keep it out of the sun, as it may scar! Wow!
Well, Husband got bit too! On the tummy, where his pant band makes it impossible for him to let the gross infected bite breathe, as he must keep it wrapped up. He went back to the Doc today. More antibiotics for him and No swimming!
I feel pretty sure we got these bug bites outside. It's a weird coincidence that we both got bit, both got infected and had to have mega doses of antibiotics, according to the Doc.
So anyway, I will be gone for the weekend, and I wish everyone in blogger land a safe, blessed and wonderful Holiday weekend.:)
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Things are looking better and I am looking forward to my vacation. I'll be gone at the end of the week for Labor Day weekend.
The beauty of the Internet is that after finding out what restaurants were in the place we're going to, I can look them up on the web. I found menus, what bands are playing and where, whether there are cover charges or not, etc., and printed that information out. It will be like having our own 'tour book' just for those days.
I'm really excited about getting to go somewhere for a vacation. And I'm excited because I'm nearly certain that the hotel will have a pool. I've slacked off on my pool activities here at home (I plan to start again after Labor Day) so it will be really nice to get into one again.
Husband's working late. I think I will have a T.V. dinner, maybe cross stitch or more likely enter some info into the database for my volunteer Library job.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
I have been feeling a lot of anxiety of late.
I fear the 'motor' is starting to roll. That it's trying to spark the ignition.
Last night is the first night in a looong time that I actually screamed out in the middle of the night, scaring the heck out my husband, and then I would fall right back to sleep according to him.
I would hardly remember doing it, if he hadn't told me about it. He even considered screaming out loud at me out of frustration to show me how it feels (yes he told me this), except he knows that I don't do it on purpose. But bless him, his sleep was massively messed up due to the fact that this was going on.
I feel a little like I could lose it. Knowing that I have had the capacity in the past to do so in the past, scares me.
How many people know what its like to be as sober and with it as can be, in reality, interacting with the world on one hand and doing so for many years and also know that if enough stress builds up, if the bottom seems to fall out for some reason, there is the possibility of being in an entirely other place.
A place where most people just don't, just can't allow themselves to go. The land of psychotica. I have been there a total of three actual documented times and it was Hell. Pure Hell.
And I fear that I could go back there again and even worse, to tell you the truth. Lose all sense of who I am. Lose all sense of who anyone is, except the closest of family, hoping and praying with every beat of my heart that it will be over and hoping that I can return to having some semblance of what is normal for other people.
You can ask Tracy, my husband, my friends, even aquaintances that barely know me, I am a sweet almost glowy person or personality. I am kind, empathetic, loving, you name it and you would Never Guess that I've got this monkey on my back, that I take a slew of drugs every day, three times a day to keep the monster at bay.
For the short term, the monster seems like a small under-current - keeping the moods even, keep me up to speed with the intelligence God gave me. For the long term, the monster is threatening, frightening and can be intimidating if you think about it - keeping another psychotic episode from happening.
For all the years I have had this blog, this is the first post I believe where I even describe a little what psychosis is like for me. I never get specific, that is years worth of thought to tumble out anyway.
In all my years of being alive I've never found one just like me, someone who had to be labeled Bipolar I because of these mind blowing episodes. I've been able to live like they don't happen because so much time has passed between now and the last one.
I must admit reading someone's blog who had recently been through it, must have triggered me in some way. It's not so far away. It's still a part of me.
A part I can't scream out in reality to real people and say 'I have mental illness' the way some people say 'I have cancer' and illicit the same sympathy. Why the heck would you say you have mental illness to someone?
But the PT people ask me what I do these days and I said I work part time. And then they are asking what I do and I say bake. And that intrigues them, unfortunately.
And they are asking me all these questions and none of my answers make real sense because I can't just say (or FEEL so strongly that I cannot say) well, the person who got the grant for this has mental illness and she wanted to provide a job opportunity for people with mental illness. Period.
That is the reason and it would be so simple to say, except that there are all types of people in that room, not just the PT people who seem to really like me, and the one doctor there who I told I was bipolar already too, so its very uncomfortable.
That is the world we live in. It's the one I live in, I think. The same one where I am screaming in my sleep and dying to get it out so badly that I'll spill here. I set up my blog so that bipolars could come and relate and there you have it.
But I'm so much much more than 'just a bipolar' as all of us are so much more than what our ailments are. Sometimes, or maybe for some, even more than sometimes, we are much much better than what our ailments want to do to us. I have been lucky to learn that from some wonderful people, like you blog friends.:)
I truly hope that everyone in blog land has a great day. I'll try to make the rounds. It takes me forever but I'll get there.
Friday, August 15, 2008
I've been going through a dry period of not writing often on the blog, but I am not down and out! Oh no, I'm still here, still the original Jungletart from February of 2006, and I still Roar!
I have some good things going on in my life right now. I am doing the 'Baking Opportunity' which just got very 'real feeling' since I got Finally got paid on Thursday. Yaaaay!
I am now also a Library Volunteer at my local library. See my sister blog of goodness and happiness, Jungletart's Good Stuff for more happiness and joy on the subject!
I will be a Newspaper Indexer, yes, an unpaid position, entering geneology information into my state's database. I am so excited about this!
I feel I have been led by God to this position, not even knowing now how it will all 'pan out,' what its true purpose is in my life.
I doo think it will teach me more time management at home, structure my day more (one of my goals - see sidebar), and teach me what it's like to be self-disciplined and work at home.
It seemed to just fall in my lap now, after I had done the work by filling out the application and WAITING, months I believe, to actually be called. To be called.:)
This job is right up my alley, since I love to be on the computer and be at home and be away from people. Yup, you heard it here, I can be alone and happy for looooong periods of time.
Heck, my husband's home now, and I'm in the home office typing away. I should probably get off of here and go hang out with him!
So, as it may work, for either a bipolar or just anyone, I don't know, a dry period is punctuated by a 'wet period' where I can type more or maybe I just have more to say.
Maybe I just saved it up for a while and now it all comes tumbling out. Maybe I'm just feeling better because I'm amped up on a Mega dose of Antibiotics.
That reminds me, besides all my psychotropic meds for bipolar and heart oriented things (high blood pressure & high cholesterol) they put me on antibiotics because of this Really Ugly Bug Bite on my leg that is very infected and almost sent me to the hospital to receive intravenous antibiotics(!).
Who knew a bug bite could be such a whopper? And I believe I received this in my backyard, too!
The Doc will see me on Aug. 21, to check on that and to check on the second kidney, etc., test they took on me a few days ago.
It seems the numbers are funny and he wants to make sure they are consistently funny before deciding what to do about it.
I Certainly Hope none of this will interfere with my real vacation coming up on Aug 28 - Sept. 1!
August 28 is the national holiday of my birthday for some already, and soon to be sweeping the world, I am sure!
I am soooo excited because my inlaws have actually invited us to a major beach (we are their second choice but that's okay, because I'm goooooing!!!) for that weekend!
I hear there is a pier there and I am looking forward to casting my hook in its probably overfished waters. Yaaaaay! I'm such a kid.
I have also lost 5 pounds, by being good and having salads and sort of watching my Points (a Weight Watchers thing)!!
I have finally gotten under a certain number so I hope this is not losing bizarre water weight or something - but as you can tell, I'm Happy about it! Let's hope this is Real!
Also, I started Physical Therapy again on Monday for my back. Oh, this is good stuff people!
If you have problems with your back, you should know about strengthening your core, the muscles in the abdomen are going to help.
And you've got to learn how to activate those muscles without giving yourself a sway back (if you're like me and have scoliosis and naturally want to stick out your butt when trying to find where the heck those muscles are located!).
I'm supposed to practice 'activated my core' when sitting, standing, washing dishes - basically doing anything!
And the best part is today its Friday, and I feel like I get it, it's working. I'm keeping myself up straighter. I'm even imagining myself without any tire around me, I AM STRONG! or at least tall, purty and straight-backed!
And there you have it. I have been busy. Oh, and about that baby shower - we decided that we can only afford one trip states away this year (and hardly that!) and its going to be....drumroll......Christmas!!
Yes, Christmas is a big deal every two years in Husband's growing large family and we wouldn't miss it. Besides, as Raine pointed out, we will be able to see the actual baby then.:)
So, today, since I'm not going to the baby shower (and instead will be on vacaaation at the beach that day!) I shopped the baby registry online to buy gifts and am having them wrapped and sent to the lucky Mom for her shower.
Oh it was soo much fun! I'm not sad that I'm not the one having the baby, I'm genuinely excited for the Mom-to-be (Husband's cousin, states away) and now that they know they will have a daughter, it is just wonderfully fun.
I bought one item off their registry and then had to send them pink baby booties, which were not on the registry. I just think they are the cutest, most adorable things and what little baby girl couldn't use baby booties. Even if they got a ton, she can just start a shoe collection now.
And that's the goings ons for the Jungletart. Until I roar again...
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Tracy is the real deal, as a true and creative painter, a Christian, and so many other roles in life. I am so proud to call her my friend! She is honest from her very soul and has impressed me so much by hanging in there when things got tough (with the printers or setting up her website), never giving up, and always going about her business on the 'up-and-up,' setting up things correctly, thinking every aspect through.
Everything I hear about her business is a beautiful, moving venture, hand in hand with God. It's not easy to set up your own business, and be the creative producer of its product, paintings, and she has handled its ups and downs with the same grace that is reflected in her paintings.
Tracy will not be happy unless the best is available for her customers.
She works to bring spiritual images that she has in her mind into paintings that already reflect her continuing improvement as an artist.
On her new commercial website, http://www.spiritualbrushstrokes.com/ you will find a 'Works' button that shows all of her paintings each available for purchase in 300 quantity limited edition prints.
I hope that you will check her website out, and know that when you buy from Tracy Jo and Spiritual Brushstrokes Fine Art you are buying from the 'real deal.'
Yesterday was a beautiful, warm Saturday day.
I went fishing A-gain! on a rented Jon boat with Husband, with our little put-put motor that we kept from the IG debacle (Indian Giver Debacle).
So we go down the river a ways and decide several times where to cast and stop for fishing, (we have this great anchor that we bring with us on these adventures) and get cooked, fried, hot, sweaty, bit, bugged a little (by bugs) and get really hurting backsides!
Even with a cushion that doubles as a life preserver, sitting on a Jon boat is hard on the bottom! Sometimes, you just have to stand up, in the middle of the boat, in the middle of the water!
Or, on the way put-putting back with that motor, (I say that because at one point Husband rowed, we were going soooo slowww!!) and Husband pushing it in the right direction (he's so much better at it than myself, believe me!), I hunkered down with the seat as my backrest, putting the cushion underneath me, and the rest of our life preservers as backrest and used my black umbrella (yes, I think of every comfort! and believe me, bringing that thing is one of the smartest things I bring) to shield myself from the sun and I swear I felt like I was on the Riviera or in Venice and got sleepy and napped or at least dozed for a little.:)
It was so warm and toasty under that umbrella, with my bug-eye sunglasses on, fishing hat and hair back in a small pony tail! My feet would feel burny (I was wearing my purple Speedo swim shoes that also double as pool shoes when I go to my aqua fit class) occasionally with all the sun on them, so I would tuck them under and try to shield them with the umbrella sometimes. Such is the life! and all on a rented Jon boat!
And Husband did indeed catch another fish, a medium-size catfish, caught on a double hook with a lead sinker on a line that he just drops in the water next to the boat, while he casts and pulls in another line (that I don't think could even have a chance to catch anything because it has no worms on it, and he pulls it in so fast! Just my 'fishy opinion' though!:).
As we left the house yesterday morning to go fishing, I noted that I forgot my camera, but we didn't want to go back and get it. Just figures, because we couldn't tell what kind of fish his catch was at first, so we netted it and took a look at it before getting it off the line and I probably could have a gotten a decent shot of it.
Aw well, you know what they look like, little tendrils of shocks coming out of their faces. We bring gloves with us now, since learning that they are really handy for getting the fish off the hook, especially since that river is Full o' catfish!
We're getting old for this, as hours on a boat, as relaxing and fun as it is, is a bit tiring! but I think it is so good for Husband to end his stressful work week this way and have some relaxation and Fun! I get sleepy being in that hot sun even when I come home and end up napping a little on the couch while watching 'Glamour's 100 Glamourous People 2008' or something like that. The Pugs aren't the only ones with the great life!:)
Thursday, August 7, 2008
I had a good day with my Mom yesterday, mostly helping her shop for one flat sheet in queen size (not a set) and please make it pretty (not plain or Martha Stewart green stripes, but flowery - that's what she wants.) Needless to say, she's going to have to find it on the internet, maybe on Overstock.com or somewhere, to find the perfect one, because we couldn't find it at the various stores we went to. But it was nice to hang out with my Mom.:)
I made more stuff on Tuesday at the baking opportunity. This was a fruit cake without the hard candies (I didn't know that was what usually went into one) and instead had raisins, nuts, and dates/figs in there. Turns out figs are yummy! and so was the actual cake if you like nuts, as the cake with all its nutmeg, cinnamon and whatnot is pretty fabulous too! We also made an orange angel food cake that was very good as well.
The library finally called back about my filling out an application to volunteer there. I see them on this coming Monday to talk about it! They say they may have something available on Wednesdays, which would be nice to give structure to my days and weeks.:) A little work in the circulation department. (which sounds like 'getting plastic surgery on your heart' hee hee)
I start physical therapy again on Monday morning. This is for lower back pain (I have scoliosis down there which can't be helped much but the muscles can). I'm starting the day early so that I can be with my favorite PT helper from last time.
My Huband's cousin is going to have a baby and I have been so excited about it. I got a cross stitch to do a birth record for her (they know the baby will be a girl) that I hope to have done by Christmas. The baby shower I was just invited to is only at the end of the month which we were thinking of trying to get to (several states away), but we can only afford to go there either now or for Christmas, so we're still not sure what we're doing.
And that's the Thursday update for now. I've got to get it together to go do a little grocery shopping and get ready to go to the baking opportunity.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
I ended up not going fishing. We could hear the 'rolling thunder' outside this morning and decided that it was a no fishing day. You can fish in all kinds of weather, but being on a rented aluminum boat in thunderstorms was probably not the best choice. So we didn't go.
The only other somewhat noteworthy thing so far today was Karaoke.
I do this in the safety (for myself and listener!) of my own home on an ancient karaoke machine. My favs include a 4-disc set of 'oldies' - everything from Elvis, The Supremes, Bill Haley and His Comets, you name it - that has tons of songs, including 'UnChained Melody,' 'Smoke Gets In Your Eyes,' 'Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch,' and so many more.
Am I good? No, but I think it's good for me to hear my voice projected out a little sometimes. I'm sure it's kind of cute.:)
Friday, August 1, 2008
I'm letting anyone know this who comes here, that she is waiting to see if Blogger will get over their 'little problems' and let her publish for everyone very soon.:)
I was in contact with her and she just wanted her Blogger Land friends to know that she was feeling a little grounded (especially because her ability to comment wasn't working for a bit but Now They Are!:) but that she expects this to work out soon. Let's hope so!!
I am going fishing A-gain in the morning, so I best be off to beddy-bye. Wish me luck!! I'll report back soon.