Sunday, April 30, 2006

The Dreaded SS letter

Many (or some) of you may have been wondering what the deal with the Social Security problem that I relayed has been slammed upon me. Listen, and listen to me well...

Do not work while receiving Disability.

If I had heeded this simple concept years ago, I would not be in the mess I am now. Simply put, even though I had a "job coach" from a Supported Employment Program run by the county, funded by the State, I somehow managed to work over the 'allowed' amount by the SS and they demanded an overpayment from me years ago. In 2003 was when I was informed of this.

We're talking about a whole lot of buckaroos, $$,$$$.

I received a letter this week, just 4 days after quitting my last job, telling me that my request for waiver that I submitted in 2003 was rejected at that time. Why on this beautiful blue-green Earth did it take them 3 years to inform of something that took place at that time?

I was concerned about this whole thing and even called them at some point between 2003 and now to ask what the deal-e-o? Did you accept my waiver or not? Only be to told the most non-sensical crap that can only be said by a lawyer or a bureaucratic idiot (I believe they'd willingly plead bureaucratic idiot, frankly) and was basically told that the head SS place was still considering it. How then could they have rejected it at that time?

I'll tell you why because they are bureaucratic bastards with their people so wrapped up in bureaucratic tape that they didn't know and frankly that wording alone in this letter is an outright lie.

The reason it bothers me that this letter starts out with such inconclusive or really, incorrect, speech, is because I have to get a lawyer to deal with the meeting they have set up for me. I think when you serve an individual with a letter or notice of this kind you better be damn correct in what you say in it. Period.


I am also concerned about the fact that it says in this letter that I have a right to review my file before the actual important meeting that will determined whether I pay back this money (or have my check 'garnished' (taken) for a couple of years, YET the date and time they have designated for this pre-meeting is exactly the same date AND time as the actual meeting!


If telling them that I was literally under the care of a State sponsored program the entire period of time in question and that it was these people's job to monitor my paychecks, and they still don't care about this then I don't know what else to say. Are they going to audit me like the IRS, because they only care if I could pay back the money? It's just chilling.

I don't really know what the 'charges' are against me. It seems to me a common criminal is treated better than this. They are caught, brought before arraignment, read their rights and told what their crime is. They know precisely what they are being tried for. They are provided with a lawyer, if they can't afford one. In short, I don't know what to say in my defense, because I don't even know what they are looking for. Again, complete mismanagement of the situation on their part, as per typical.

I am deathly afraid of these people. I have always been afraid of the SS and have avoided contact with them, I will be honest. Everything I have seen has shown them to be a government agency that if nothing more, does not have it together, yet controls something really important to me. It's little having idiots control a Zoo, where the animals die (hello Washington Zoo), idiots in the White House sending our best and brightest to die, and screwing things up so bad that nobody may ever be able to fix it....

Here, it is talking about a bureacracy being in charge of my check, with the power to yank it or do essentially the same thing. I'm still trying to find a lawyer. I was the crying embryo the day after receiving this letter that you may remember me discussing in a previous post. I had to made phone calls, see my therapist, call the people that I thought were in charge of that Supported Employment Program, track down lawyer leads to finally feel like I was doing all I could and could therefore relax and feel human again. Talk about the damn bottom falling out!!! I am already reeling from plungling myself into non-work status only to the get the mother of all Shit dropped on me in terms of being Bipolar except the same stuff that rots out the rest of the public (Death of a Love One, Moving, etc.)can send me to a damn loony bin. Been there done that, and there's really nothing to see. Mostly I am pissed. Where is Johnny Cochran when you need him (how could he die?). I need someone who knows their shit and we can take SS and this rinky-dink Mickey Mouse operated Supported Employee Program to the f'n cleaners. I did my part, I know I must've made money for the state by participating in this bullsh*t, yet I don't see them coming up to the plate for me because theySCREWED UP. Where does it say that the ill person be held responsible when the program set up to help or protect that person FAILS????!! It's just that simple.

The system is apparently not set up to see that a person CAN be disabled, intelligent, have a B.A. degree in something, and want to MOVE UP in this world and feel like a contributer and still not be able to do that 8 hours, 9 to 5, 40 a week thing. I have stradled on the edge with this my whole working life and these people have been on my ass for just as long. They can't get that I need that check but I keep needing to pretend that I'm better than that. I just can't get my a** over the fence. I'm stuck there with pit bulls tearing at my leg. SS is just slow and steady and takes the chunks out one bit at a time.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Lovely Spring Weather

Cherry Tree, Evergreen Park, Bremerton, Washington

Rhododendrens (only the hardest word on Earth to spell)

Douglas Iris

Sweet bliss

I hope everyone is experiencing beautiful weather this weekend. Here's to no allergies and lovely days.

Presenting me Pirate name and cool alter ego

My pirate name is:

Mad Ethel Cash

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. You're musical, and you've got a certain style if not flair. You'll do just fine. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from

I am very pleased wi' me pirate name and my famous person personality! I thinks they fit me! I was not so please with my movie persona, Shindler's List only because I have avoided seeing it because it makes people bawl and seems ultra-serious, and I haven't been wanting a good bawl. I guess I'm a bit of a chicken. But I do like that it puts me in line with people like Mysti who is a Shindler's List too. It does, in fact, sound like a beautiful movie.

Weird Things About the Tart, aka I was tagged

1. My best friend called me 'eccentric' in high school, truly an unusual thing to say about someone at that age. Don't recall any exact thing that made her say that, I guess it was just true in general.

2. I did nothing but read at age 11. Didn't like to go outside, and love most to read the Laura Ingalls Wilder series. Still love those books. By bizarre chance, they are the one thing my Mom gave away to someone (who promptly took them to a used book store for credit: heartbreak!) while I was in the hospital. Would love to have the whole set again. I love that era and all the details about life back then. Makes me feel warm and happy.

3. I was born with birthmarks on my nose and back. My parents had to provide their own dry ice to the doctor to burn off the one on my nose. He did a great job, you can't even tell. The one on my back faded and looks a bit like a burn. People sometimes ask or stare when I have a bathing suit on. It's my birthmark, people!

4. I am fascinated by textiles. I would love to learn to sew well, and I'm still trying to figure out cross-stitch and knitting (I can crochet, but I'm slow). I think quilts are cool (hello 1800's, again)and I'm fascinating with weaving. I considered getting my own loom and going at it, but I am not that rich. I love yarn, too. Can go to a shop and just look for hours.

5. I hate to go to bed. I fight it, and I still don't know why. When I was a child my Mom would ask me if I was ready for bed, and I would be like, unh-unh, no way. Five minutes later she would find me in some bizarre position, half-standing up and fast asleep!

6. I have an unusual thing for water. Not so much anymore, but I used to have a big bottle of the stuff with me at all times (it usually occurs after hospitalization and a few years after). Also, I can literally chug the stuff. Like drink out of a water bottle and glug, glug, glug. It is a gift but Husband has instructed me not to do it in public, it looks strange. Boy, if I was a beer drinker imagine the chug drinkin' possiblities! I could put 'em under the table!

7. I have scoliosis. I look 'right' probably because I wore a brace in high school. It was kind of like a corset in a way and kept me with a small waist and no tummy. It had to come off when I was hospitalized at 16, AND things have just gone downhill from there...

If Hope or Jennifer comes here, consider yourself tagged along with anyone else who is game, and tell me if you do. All you do is tell 6 weird things about yourself. Happy day all!

Friday, April 28, 2006

Days of Turning; Change

I woke up this morning with a terrible kind of anxiety. Well, I don’t know if there are kinds, but I had it badly. And I was rolling around with stress dreams that were so anxious and difficult, yet I was too lazy to want to get up.

The dog, Emma was even right next to me, like a person in up and down position in my bed, practically taking up MY space. It was weird. They say you shouldn’t let a dog feel TOO much like a person, because they take you over. I can’t think of too much else that would show that the dog has taken over! That just added to my discomfort.

I am having a hard time adjusting. It really is an adjustment too, to go from getting up everyday and working and putting the ‘face’ on, not just your makeup and clothes but looking like a normie when you are person that just quite isn’t, to one that one that wants to nearly hide in their home and just be happy. They may even require two different mindsets, which when the day gets going I think I handle okay, but the starter is such a doozey, I could have hid in bed all day, if it wasn’t excruciating.

I think about where this all comes from, this doubting of a decision I made and just feeling to my core that something is SO WRONG. Is it what other people think of me? So I wonder if in some subconscious part of me, am I bothered by the paper and their apparent judgment of me? Is that enough to give me monster stress dreams and incapacitate me into almost not moving or being able to deal? I will not bluster and be angry or cut, I’m desperately trying to get it out and figure where to go from here. I have ideas about my life and where I want it to go. I believe I can cut down the stress and be a more happy person. And so it is worth it to me to examine.

So worth it, that I LIVE to type this out on the computer and relieve the anxiety and think through my thoughts. I felt the strong need to have a cigarette first thing to relieve the stress, and I did so. Understand, my family really strongly looks down on my smoking, so that is going against the grain right there. But they cannot get inside my head and take away this anxiety. I have found that I must do it, even if to them it is unconventional or stinky, unacceptable, and the worst one bad for me. I don’t want to be on it forever, but for some reason I felt better after it. I will have to analyze it out of my life another day. So cigarette first and then to type. I don’t feel that scary ‘something’ anymore at the moment.

I am not bitter about the way the paper treated me when I left but I do feel perhaps I was judged. And I am not mean or upset or about that, I just figure it was their choice. Their reaction seemed to be ‘how could you leave us? And if so just go, because we are better.” I know that might be necessary in a work sense, like we’ve got work and you have just left us to do it, and I didn’t think I was buying into being judged, because I look at their reaction and it was weird, but I figure okay, that’s them, let them have it and I don’t say it meanly here either, but rather to say what happened. But I think in my own heart I question myself. And that fighting inside is causing massive anxiety, so much that I started right back smoking on Tuesday. And this was before I got the SS letter.

Its all about change. Why are death of a loved one and moving high up on the list of big time stressors? Because they are about the largest changes that happen in a person’s life (that list is big, please don’t think I am minimalizing it). And I hope this is just the beginning of me figuring out how I want my precious home life to be, organizing it (that is overwhelming and exhausting, but I am aware of that) and making my world better.

I chose to leave the work world. I don’t want to go back. (I say that yet a part of my gut says, Wait a minute!) and it makes every bit of sense that I would have issues and need to work through them. But it can just be so painful. I hate anxiety, its just rotten. Its funny how it mostly improves for me after I get up and deal, but that doesn’t take away how real it is, even though I think I like to just forget about it.

Are they right? Am I some kind of ‘loser’ for leaving? Unfortunately, it’s a question that I’ve been asking myself. I think I could be a lot better about it, but I have been emailing a person back there and she keeps asking me, “Have you gotten a new job yet, or getting ready to do medical transcription?” I feel like the answer to that is the big ‘un hunh, so THAT’s what she’s doing’ or at least the information needed to make the big judgment on me. Her email’s are a thorn in my side. I like her, but how much can we continue to talk about when I won’t admit that I’m disabled and worked part-time for a reason? Yet, she’s nice, I think, and I don’t want to just cut her off.

I see with this illness there are moments when I doubt my personhood way more than I should. I have good days, and I have been having many, (while I was working, go figure) where I don’t even question what seems to be silly things like that. This change in my life, and for me it is a big one, just channels right into these fears. As a disclaimer, I am not truly usually so worried or overwhelmed, but it seems this week I go from a scared crying embryo unable to cope to doing really well and being adult and accomplishing things and proud of every little thing, switching from one day to the next. It’s not just the ‘change’ (work to home) it’s other things too, like the Social Security problem which I would have to detail at another time. Perhaps for normies, this could all be handled much smoother. But these things for me tap in the bipolar. If I don’t keep things under control, if I overwhelm myself too much I could end up in the hospital.

We joked, Husband and I, wouldn’t it be nice if we had the money to send me to some ‘spa’ somewhere, as what I need is a big rest not drugs as the ‘lil’ place behind our local hospital (my name for their combo psych ward/drug, alcohol treatment place) likes to do, would be a good place for me. I am so petrified of SS in general that I am afraid to say the innocuous little joke we had. But luckily he knows only too well that this is a difficult time for me and is very supportive and he even pointed out how important it is to take things easy and not overwhelm. I guess for the paper they don’t know anything about me except as a work horse and they don’t care what happens when the work horse needed to go out to pasture. Luckily I ended up with loving people and not the glue factory!

This would be the moment on my blog when I would be putting it out there to see what other people think. I write to soothe my soul, but then I end up with copy. It seems too delicious of a situation to not put out there. But then I think, why can’t I have less serious stuff to put up (well its serious to me) BUT it is me, and I don’t feel that voice in my gut like its so inappropriate. Yeah, put it in outerspace. What real good it will do, I do not know. I think maybe I will look back and see these days as a crux in my life, the turning point. It certainly deserves words, actually for me it screams for words. Sincerity is the best form of me. This is today’s torture, for your perusal.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Short and Sweet

I'm keeping this short and sweet cause Husband is on his way home and I am cooking dinner (!) and I gotta get on it. As a little gift to him, I'm trying to do all my blogging before he gets here so I can hang out with him. Poor guy waits all night for me and I never hang around him! :(

I have been tagged as well (thanks, Enigma!) and I have decided that I will tell weird things about Tart while she is doing massive laundry tomorrow. I expect it to be quite the all day affair. I am proud as I actually walked Emma today, garnering a 'Nice Pug' comment from a weird lady that I crossed the street to avoid. (People I have near impeccable 'strange people' radar. I spent a lot of time in a State mental hospital. I should have powers after that experience, since I can't recall too many other perks.

Have I not 'settled' into this Housewife Extraordinaire stuff or what!

I have also been hit by the mother of sanity torpedoes: Social Security is really on my case this time. Tart is trying to find a lawyer and is almost certain to detail my government endorsed torture.

Pleasant evening to all, and I hope everybody gets to hang out with some neat person/pet that they love.

Your Tart


Sea turtles

I am attracted to pictures of sea turtles whenever I see them. I think it is because they are individuals swimming around in the quiet ocean never bothering anybody. They do their own thing and can live 100 years or more. They're kind of cute paddling around, too.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Monday, April 24, 2006

Just Not Responding Well to Reality

Are there perhaps one of these in my horizon???!

Oh, and what could the non-sensical reason be for these purty red flowers??? I ont ow.

Yah, I'm just in one of those moods where words are not interesting. I don't really want to read anyone else's, although I tried, and I don't have many.

I do have thoughts about things, but I'm just not ready to let them out. So basically I cut it out of here and leave it in Word for another day.

I'm a little achey in the shoulders and I don't want to think much, yet I wanted to put up something, without talking about anything deep that might either pi** someone off or make me feel apologetic or think of the ramifications for others.

And this is the result! TTYL

Sunday, April 23, 2006

This is a pic of somebody else's problem..I mean Siamese. Looks remarkably like mine though. He is a beauty.

I am getting disenchanted with the cat. The bugger bit me! He has done it before but I thought those were love bites, I was warned about it, but this time I think he may have meant it maliciously. Case in point, after this biting me right on my lips, I squealed as in disbelief, smacked him and put (threw?) him down.

I am presently in his room and he is not coming out of his hidey place. He is pissed too!

I am mad at him, and I guess he's sensitive to know it. I feel like I should just feed him, clean his box and let him be. Oh, and by the way, he loves my husband.

I have joked to Husband, well then we will keep getting cats until one of them likes me. We will have 10 cats.

I know somewhere, someone (stop it Mark!) is laughing. You did tell me so, Mark. I guess I should ready the blender.

Now he's on me, kneading my stomach. Damn these cats are moody. I don't know where they get it from!

What I've Got to Give to You

I have been selfishly wrapped up in myself. I would also attest that I am just a simple uni-tasker that can only handle one simple personal semi-disaster at a time and am not gifted at keeping up with much else while wrapped up in my personal crap. I want to apologize to my blogfriends, those that I IM and check their sites and I just enjoy so much: I have been a sucky friend. I want to express that I am so thankful for friends that check in with me when while as I look back I almost feel as though I don't deserve it. It is truly from the heart that I thank everyone for their support. :)You're a good bunch of people.

Sadly, I have been wondering what I have to offer. I don't know if someone would want to come here and subject themselves to a site where a person would openly say, Yeah, I'm bipolar besides just being human, and even want to read that person rant. I've done that weird thing of attaching myself to that diagnosis on this site, but in fact, I think its therapy for me that I have gone ahead and just openly displayed it. In reality, as in every day life, I would never do that. As a matter of fact, in reality I have spent every bit of myself hiding it, although I preferred to think that that was best and sanest thing to do.

It was Bipolar Guy that inspired me to to let it hang loose. I have always said that I respect him so much, and really, he is a role model for me. Before I saw his blog, I don't think it occurred to me that you could openly admit to mental illness (insert 'shock and awe' stigma here) and true intelligent mental prowess which in the end, completely overshadows everything else. I think this is a gift he provides for many, and as proof I think his blog is a touchstone for many of us.

I decided to let this part of me, my bipolar diagnosis and its trappings, hang out in the wild blue windy outerspace. Reason: Besides my therapy-ranting, If by letting this out it might make another feel accepted. (What the heck, I am a slob, and I love the happy acceptance when we bond with others in areas like that) And when for those times when I am down, I have been miraculously blessed already by the kindness of others.

I can say that blogging has been therapeutic for me, not just for the obvious ranting opportunities that help me think through my problems and thoughts, but for the fact of what commenting on other people's blogs has done for me. I used to look at those comment boxes and think if only I could say something of worth to someone else. If only I could add something to this discussion that would matter. Now, I am not going to say that I in fact accomplish those things, but I am not not afraid to try! I sometimes go back and see what other people say just to make sure I wasn't out of line or something like that, but when I turn the computer off (uh, after a long day of it, I assure you) I don't regret what I've said. And what a delight and gift it is that people respond so well back.

I've said before, but I don't think it gets old to say, thank you to true blog friends who I know about that comment and truly make this blogging thing worthwhile. I need to respond to more people, and I don't want to leave anyone out, but thank you to the people who came here that first time in February and led me down the blog-rose path to kind friends and so much fun. How you are appreciated. How all friends of the future are appreciated as well.

For those of you who experience problems (may I just invite the whole human race!) and you would like to read stuff that's just meant to be honest by a person that doesn't know any better, which may include open whining, maybe this will be an enjoyable blog to come to(although it sure doesn't sound too good after saying that!). I sure hope so, because (perhaps unfortunately) it's all I have to offer! Besides pretty pictures and discussions of my animals, which I admit - where'd the Jungle go? We haven't heard from them in a while and I intend to remedy that, it is my great pleasure to have a place to let it hang out. I hope its at all as good for you as it is for me! :)

I guess what I'm trying to say and trying to figure out to myself, is I hope I have something to offer. Now, I know if you're going for a job interview you're supposed to pretend you do! I'm not into the job thing right now, just relationships with people. I apologize because I haven't applied myself to this, sadly even in real life. But maybe that's a post for some other time.

I think I have been wondering about the reaction one blogger had to another admitting in a post to depression. They applauded the person for talking about 'such a private matter.' I give props all up and down for 'coming out' about it. And if you knew a person in the 'real' world and found out something like that, yes, it is definitely personal information. If your not expecting it I guess for some people its shocking. I don't tell people my personal information, although I have to say the illness affects me very much, I also feel pretty darn 'normal.' I think what may concern me is the idea that its MEANT to be personal information, like wow that is such a hush hush thing. THAT concerns me.

Remember when cancer was so hush hush that you didn't talk about it and people could actually die just from the embarrassment not getting care or even wanting to deal with a doctor (I KNOW someone who had a grandmother do this, so don't even think I'm making this up) There are always going to be people to this day that are grossed out by thoughts of cancer, doctors etc, and we won't change that. But this culture has gone through Massive change with how it thinks, talks, and accepts discussion of these deadly diseases (pass me a Breast Cancer ribbon). Mental illness deserves this shift in thought.

I don't like the idea that you have to be brave to talk about it, I think you are brave because you have it.

You don't need to Ever be embarrassed by what is chemical and real and yet what is every bit of real pain. There are so many posts that could be said about this. So for anyone who wants to talk about it, suspects it, or just holds it close to their heart, again don't you know that you are brave and that mental suffering is real suffering and you won't ever find Tart telling you different. If you find yourself in these situations, any bit of yourself that you find embracing the good and the joy in yourself is ever a more positive step bringing us all to realize that mood related feelings are just as real as a cancer patient's symptoms. I know we give lip service to this, but unfortunately, I KNOW these things. Acceptance for ourselves and each other can only lead to good.


And let me say this, because its only 3:42 a.m. It takes bravery to push against what people think, whether its what you wear or drive, or the meds that you have to pick up at the pharmacy or any other vacuous thing as you get older (it sooo matters much more when you're younger, ya know) and so on. So just apply bravery to the simple task of being who you are. Every once in a while I share my story with undeserving normies (case in point, my medical transcription class). Once I make the decision to talk, I let everything, including people's mind sets, tumble where they will. I hate how talking to just a few middle class women is such a fight in stigma and related matters, it really is hard, but I guess I just felt like testing my Toastmaster skills! There is a message worthy of getting out there. I can't save the world, except when I'm manic (!), so I only attempt it once in a while. I have no idea why I'm writing that, but I think I'll go to beddy-bye.

Friday, April 21, 2006

I'm FREEeeeeEEEEeeeeeEEEEee!!!!!!!!

YES! Blogger patrons, Imagine the Tart running like a wild, free woman through the fields, plains and valleys of delightful tulips and such!!!! She has taken herself OUT, Out I say, of the rat race! In charge of her destiny, where the heck shall she take herself now? NO one knows!! (Least of all herself!) But she has ideas!!! To share at some other fantastical blogger moment.

Be it known, to all the free world, TART JOINS THEE!! No longer chained to an uncaring, low-paying, stress inducing, unsupportive job that wished only to suck her lifeblood that didn't even provide one benefit, a job that made her realize that she DID NOT deserve to screamed at thanklessly or to be treated like a low-life minion chained to an evil phone or spend countless dollars on gasoline and quick McDonald's lunches (not to mention the effect on her a**, I mean bottom-line) just to....have a reason to wake up in the morning!! Hah! She joins the ranks of the disabled many that say HAH! Support me American Workers, as I sit on my rear and do NOTHING! Pay my check each month, Be-yotches!!!! I HAVE EARNED IT!

I played your game, I worked while collecting my check-ola, I even paid into the Social Security system, I showered, dressed, drove to the workplace and acted like a dagone normie. Having reached the limits of all of that, it is done and over for the Tart. There are no apologizes from this former red-blooded American worker, oh, no, the world is a vampire. Feel free to have your blood sucked dry. I'm staying in.


Bipolar Forever!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Party in PsychoTown

Enigma has suggested a blog party and since I have insisted on throwing one for myself at work, there is utterly no reason why we can't have one here!!!! I love SoBe and I'm a pig for tortilla chips and nacho cheese (the kind you nuke in a glass jar). The tortilla chips are a ruse: I could in fact swill the entire contents of the cheese by itself. cheese. Somehow I am not surprised that Mysti is a former pastry chef. I would like something deliciously moist, like my wedding cake was (that was gooood. When they asked if I wanted ribbons of marroon in it I thought they meant some flavor thing. Noooo, it was real ribbons! Which I thought strange but I appreciated their truthfulness!)I trust your judgement so flavor is entirely up to you.

Bless you all for bringing me to my senses. Actually, having only two days of work left and having, like I said, informed them where my good-bye party will be, I feel not-so-strangely vindicated and freeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! I am starting to feel the true 'Tart' return. It is that strange feeling when your blinders are ripped off and you can actually see again and gosh its so awful purty out, the trees and all (channelling Gomer Pyle, here) just a bustin' out in colors that I am starting to feel like free lil' butterfly flitting a-round.

I was feeling rotten yesterday. And I guess I made my one reality friend feel bad when I told him so, because I had hung out with him to try to feel better, but nothing could take away how I was feeling. It's so funny that you can dupe even your best friends. Of course, while he has an illness its not the same as mine. So we can listen to each others personal beefs, but sadly as a non-bipolar he just don't get it.

I could have killed someone at my job who asked me over the phone, "I'm confused. Are you going to be here after Friday or not?" I just pretty much lost it, and did in fact try to explain to poor confused soul the situation, but by doing so I informed everyone around me what was going on, and my real boss was sitting two cubicles away and I felt MONSTROUSLY EMBARASSED that she heard all of it, which was partly my take on what was going on. In my mind, I wanted all that to be just that: In my mind. I did not want her to know what I was thinking, I wanted whatever was going to go down to happen without my intercession and I mean it when I felt like a true idiot that A) Dumbass had gotten me to say anything and B) that I could be such a dumbass and spill the beans.

Attention: Below is trigger stuff. I know you read this, Dad. Why don't you not right now. It's a guarantee trigger for ya.

All of this were things I didn't want to say on blog last night. But I guess what I really didn't want to say was, I thought most seriously about cutting out of here. As in, I had all my pills with me, in all honesty was originally just to take my regular dose of, when I left the house to go get my nachos bell grande from Taco Bell at the odd hour of midnight or so (did I mention I love cheese?), and the thought of taking all of them at once was the only way to just leave. As purely sad as this sounds, I believe we would not be adult humans if we didn't consider the fact...ok, I consider this about myself, I cannot pretend that this is everyone's life, because it sure as hell isn't. I am 34. I do not have children. In ten years I will be 44, most like without children. Forgive me for what I am about to say, and with all sincerity: Only retards think that dogs or cats can take the place of children. I'm just thinking its a long and lonely life, and I don't have that thing I read about moms doing, you know, well, I've got to be around for the kids. As if moms can go slit their wrists when the kids finally walk out the door but maybe they're so elated they forget to, I don't know.

I looked around me. I was parked outside of a Best Buy and A.C. Moore, with my nachos in the dark. I looked at some of the buildings in my town. I wondered what its all going to be like in 10 years. And Bipolars, you know what it feels like to just be so rottenly sad, just know that you mean nothing. And I was sooo angry. I remember now, how angry I was that God had seen fit to scourge me with this, and as far as I am concerned, left me with nothing to deal with it. If I had a firearm at that moment, I think I would have done the deed. I thought about things I wish I had done on Earth. I thought, I should go buy cigarettes because if I'm going to die...well, I'm not concerned about that cancer in 5 to 10 or years, ya know? I thought, I wonder what pot really is like, because in all honesty, I've never tried it, and you'd think it was the damn be all end of everything according to music and youts everywhere, so I did miss out on that. I was just so blase about it, not bawling, just very calculating like I was here, and then I would be gone. People die every day, friends, who better to inform you of this obviousness than a soon-to-be-defunct obituary writer? Some people live a long time. Others don't. Did the ones that lived a while and annoyed us more accrue more points? I know their families think so. Not so. You're here, and then you are not. Either you contribute something (I think in most people cases that would be a new generation) or you don't. You wish the ones that hurt others would be the ones to quietly kill themselves, but that doesn't seem to happen either. So you're left with brilliant people like me, who cannot think of a purpose for themselves. And are too darn smart for their own darn good. And honey, I will leave this wretched overcrowded, ready-to-blow up, pathetic, lying, politically dishonest, (insert something from the A & E network here) planet anyway, why do we have to stretch it out?

I think dear reader, being the brilliant university degree-holding, muchas self-help book reading youth that I was, the truth is something so stupid that it must be true: Now, that my months long search and retrieval of a special cat has been accomplished and simultaneously, the job that I went to every day for 2 years is ending, I am having that weird...well...what do you call it? Empty nest in my heart for a need of something to do? I don't know what the answer for it is. Such unrest. Its bizarre. Is this what its all about just one stupid problem to another. Have I just it on the head? The meaning of life: One stupid problem after another. (No wonder I was so good at Philosophy. It just never occurred to me it was a real major.)
How to deal with the true meaning of life:

Follow Christ or get religion (or meditate, you go, BP guy) to deal
Drink, drug and do that which kills sensibility to be in haze and not feel
or blog senselessly, until people think you are brilliant or should be shot after all

I think most of us keep living out of that 'state of inertia' thing (I know someone will correct me about the wording of that). Essentially, it states that it is easier to keep on living that to kill oneself and that is why most of us are still around.

Well, don't you just want to leave that one on a nice note? I think some of this is the expression of my anger about bipolar. We do all die, whether we rant about it or not. Whether we make a difference to others or not. I would be a bastard if I said I didn't make a difference, hell, I know I do. And that's without kids, hah! But if you don't make a difference to yourself, what's the point? And even if you know the name of the illness that is prodding you into hating yourself and wanting to die, and you take all the medicines that the 'nice' doctors tell you, and you still fall prey to its whiles, well, I ask you for the forty millionth time, where is my Nobel prize for putting up with all this???!!!!

Now, now, at the same time I'm doing just fine. It's not a disorder for nothing. It's perfectly understandable to want to kill yourself one night, and then get up the next day and look like nothing ever happened and to carry on with life. Seriously, one way one moment or evening, another the next. I am so cool. I am bipolar. It's just the coolest mental illness. One of these days it will be so 'in' and (like) college students will be trying to contact me for their (like) term papers. Pop culture will ooze with the cooolness of bipolar. Oh, wait, that was Grunge. My bad. At least is occurred in my era. Today's yout's, would they even know how cool that was? I think I'll go find my flannel shirts and wear them open over my t-shirt. It's a lifestyle. I'm telling you, it all comes back. My husband's little sister had an 80's day. She wore shoulder pads and God knows what else. It was absolutely horrible.

Oh, while we're (?) confessing things: I get these urges to just fly out somewhere. No not on my broom, to actually get a plane ticket and go bye-bye. I want to flyyyyyyying awaaayyy. I want to find that cottage in my mind and somehow have the money to live there and have many cats and pugs. Or, I could just jump into the ocean on the other coast. It's a little up in the air right now.

Have a pleasant day! :)
Psycho Sally
ooops, I mean Tart

Restrained Boringness yet Depwessded.

Just feel rotten and dooown.
I hate to bring anyone else down.
3 more days to go at work and you'd think I had to climb Mt. Everest.
I could go more into that but I would just end up pissing myself off and it wouldn't clarify anything for anyone else. I can say that after spending nearly 2 years there, I'm pretty certain I'm just going to walk out Friday and no one is going to notice and that will be it.

So I guess it's good I'm leaving a place like that. How bitter they get when you tell them it's over for you. Yeah, well, I said I wouldn't go into it.

It is good to have restraint, for me to express restraint. As Bipolar Guy said, you can't say everything in a blog. Right now, I just don't want to say anything, at all. I guess that's monstrously boring, but I am putting out there something new. I have suspected for a bit that I am in fact, monstrously boring. Ah well.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Happy Easter!!!!

Reese on Hubby's lap, taken with my camera phone! Wow Verizon! (How much is that gonna cost!!?)

Reese is here!!! He is more lovely in person than any of the pictures! I call him T & G : Tiny and Gorgeous. I was surprised when I first saw him, he is smaller than I thought he would be. But every bit of him is perfect. He is a lovely chocolate point Siamese. He does have the large fangs that his foster mom talked about and he does like to 'love bite,' and yes, it does hurt when he does it. I was honored that he was nearly completely quiet on the way home with us, I sat next to his crate, while the foster and the second volunteer driver said he 'talked' to them the whole way during their drives and is supposed to be very vocal (which I can see that he is). When we got home he stayed under the bed for most of the afternoon. Then he emerged this evening and loved us up!! He was rolling around in my lap, on the floor, meanwhile we were both following him with our camera phones to get a picture of him - his own personal papparazzi! He definitely loooves people! We can't imagine what would possess someone to let go of something this wonderful. I guess you just don't know what 'cha got until its gone (think Cinderella, this came on the radio the other day!)We are absolutely honored and blessed to have him. He is on my lap right now and *yikes* just bit me on the chin! This is his love bite. Well now he's on Husband's lap. Can we say 'lapwhore'? He can lay on you and 'knead' the air, with his perfect dark legs. That is what he is doing right now. Well that is okay with me!

I hope everyone has a lovely blessed Easter! And I appreciate all the love given this way too! I am actually going to warm up a ham (its pre-cooked, I admit it. How hard can it be. Don't answer that!) make mashed potatoes from scratch, maybe mac n cheese since Hubby expressed an interest in that and I hope I have some asparagus in the pantry, because that seems like a good thing to have. And I don't know if this time next week I'll still have a job of some kind or have lots of time to think of every days dinner and to work out. Gosh, the second one actually sounds like more fun to me! That is pretty bad! :)

Friday, April 14, 2006

Oooo, What Will He Be Like?! What Will He Be Like?!!

We leave tonight to go get Reese! We'll see you tomorrow with a new member of the Jungle. Long may he stay!!!!!

And Happy Good Friday to all of you!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

I think it feels good to put your foot down!

Life's a breeeze, aint it!

I asked today what was going on, since I haven't been told anything at work. Boss says they are trying to get Classified to take over Obits but she honestly doesn't think it looks good. If that's the case then she "has" to hire someone to do it and since I reiterated that regardless of what happens I won't be doing them after next Friday then I'm essentially gone forever, bye bye. However, if this supposed Classifieds miracle occurs then she has all kinds of projects to keep me busy. And she won't know until Tuesday or Wednesday of next week.

Well! So I will have two days to say bye if that's what it comes to.

Fine with me. Now can this blog quit whining about it. Cause it looks at this point like its outta my hands. And I am fine with that. I think I'm going to like retirement bliss for the rest of eternity. I will in fact be taking on one of the toughest full-time duties ever: HouseWife Extraordinaire. Bring it on, Baby!

Now lets go ON with Life, Shall We!!!

I felt truly impelled to write off a blog I visit Occasional-lee. I have no idea if I offended that person or if they'll be ballsy enough to come here but I will say this: Why enable a teenager that will talk nothing but about doing illegal drugs? What good does it do? Its one thing to show things in your own life that helped you handle life, but it just pisses me off to hear endlessly about weed smoking this and that. No darling, I remove myself from listening to that. Call me whatever you want but I'm not havin' it. I can't imagine the beef that anyone would have with that, I don't know, say I'm intolerant and how can I treat a fellow bipolar like that. If you care about someone, wouldn't you tell them that its wrong. I just feel sad if that really is how this person is leading their life. It cannot go to good places. DUH! If you don't like it go away and do a little more. I don't care, just shove off.

Yes, now that that is out of my system...

I have to see about transport of Reese. It seems that it being Easter one's piped up to volunteer to get him to me! Husband and I are already driving 2 1/2 hours on Friday, I'm thinking we may just be driving all the way there! I'm not waiting another damn week, ya know? And maybe I'll get to meet his foster in person, I've been emailing her a whole lot, that would be very neat.

You know, I have really gotten a lot more ballsy in the last little while. Putting my foot down about my crappy job has helped me be more myself. Really if I offend the person I left the response for, or any other nosy person who probably never visited here before or left a message, all I can say is: Illegal is illegal, honey. If you want to tolerate it, its your business. But I'm not going to read all the time about it. And I'd like to make it clear, that I very much believe in the meds that you work out with a doctor, and I know better than most the kind of hell you can go through to find the right meds. If you haven't had the utter life scared out of you by being off your rocker, there's probably nothing more I can say to you. And I don't have an apology for anyone, so don't look for it here.

With most sincerity,

Thanks Mom

Just Unbelieveable. My mother does not believe in me. She says if I quit the job I will sleep all day. I was like, "What! I can't believe you're saying this to me!" She says, "You asked my opinion, that's my opinion."

I LIVE with my mother. This isn't some conversation on the phone. I'm telling you, she won't go away. She says she's going to RV the country, blah, blah,blah and she wants to sell the house to us. We have no idea if this means when shes done RVing she'll plant herself back here or not.

Regardless of all that, I am super pissed that she could not say anything positive. I have been taking MT since this past September and going to work every day. She never said anything. I informed her yesterday that I put my 2 weeks in (would you believe that even though we live in the same house I can go days or more in not seeing her???). Today she says "You will sleep all day." When I get mad, she says, "Fine, prove me wrong." There's a word I'd like to use here, but people get upset when about it when you're referring to your mother.

For added interest, my Mom used to to give very good advice in her youth, you know when I was a teenager. And she has gone through hell with me with the illness and hospitalizations and such. I think she feels 'retired' from all that now. Which is understandable, when the kid is 34. But imagine the dysfunction of still living with the same said kid in the same house, all for the past 11 years (not to mention the years between age 7 and 19, all living in this SAME house). Oh, and dear readers there have been other mighty issues in this house before, but I will probably never divulge them. Yes, she's a saint for taking me in after my six month hospitalization in a State Hospital (my only crime was being rottenly ill, okay) but where will it end...?

Now, its like I'm being judged. Hello, I don't live that way. I'm supposed to be produce or do something Now? Two years after being a drooling idiot in a mental hospital I had it together enough to go back to college. It took me an additional four years to get my B.A. in English because I took 2 classes a semester. I had gone bonkers after taking 18 credits so I figured slow and steady won the race. And it did. I got my degree. And of course, she was monstrously proud. So can we not play that? So I stay in this particular set of idiotville (the job) to appease my mom now? Ohhhh, you have gooot to be kidding.

I mean really we are talking about 4 hours a day. So, its either sad that I can't take crap for 4 hours or its ridiculous to expect me to take crap for 4 hours. Either was we establish that crap is being flung. Do you spend 4 hours dodging it? Do you spend time deciding the frangrancy of said crap, the consistentcy of it and how much it okay to be hit with it? I'm thinking Okay, we work something out, I stay, I still hate it. Won't I and everyone else feel like a chump during THOSE last two weeks? Like just get out then. I don't know! God they could come to me today, and I don't know the answers or how to continue to work the people. I don't know.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The Waffling Continues...

Hey, well now things get complicated. For one thing, today, Tuesday, no sup/manager/anything said anything to me. I sense there may be scurrying around in the Classifieds area but no one tells me anthing.

But I'm sure they don't want to lose me.

Now, add to the mix that I had a rotten day with the evil funeral home. It looked like they were going to do another of their favorite screws: the two part obituary. One part (either text or picture) is submitted before deadline. They think this keeps their 'place' so they can the other part any 'ol time they feel like it. They performed this today by sending picture, then text in a format that we cannot open and they KNOW we can't. That's how they think they are buying time, because we are then waiting for a format we can open. So my piss head supervisor wants me type it out from a whole page that looks like gibblety goop. I'm like you have GOT to be kidding. I asked him if he had called them to get a format we can use, because at this point myself and the paginator had decided that Mr. Dumbass should be the one to talk to these people, since he loves them so. Uh, no, he says, this will work out fine. The hell it will. I got a printed copy of that and tacked it onto my cubicle so if someone asks (they won't) I can say this was a submission for an obit. Just ridiculous. Well, turned out the fax machine was without paper and when some was put in it chugged out a couple copies of the evil f.h. stuff.

It took me going outside and calling Husband on cell phone for me to 'get over' this. Do you see the crap I put up with?

Then, at 4:58 p.m. appears another obit from E.F.H.(Evil Funeral Home). The deadline, in case I haven't said it a million times here is 4 p.m. I just called up Useless Supervisor and informed him he might want to give a call to his 'favorite people' and if he wants to perform a favor for them that is certainly his perogative and pretty much slammed down the phone, and left.

Just losing patience. I know every workplace comes with its own politics. Plenty of supervisors are ridiculous unsupportive bastards and people work in those places for years. But I am ridiculous in the belief that I do deserve better. I just wonder if I'm passing up a better opportunity than home life if I quit for good? UT would say my illness is winning if I just quit my job. Yet another reason I don't see why to consult her with this, because I just don't get it. What is disability if I can't rest and have life more the way I want it?

So the question is, Do I want to stay in this place after obits are gone? Of course, my gut answer to being pissed off royally today is Just F em. I know the money would be gone, be certain that it never has been much. And I'm thinking I can use this time to hone my MT skills. I know I will miss the paper but...won't I get over it? I was thinking if things got really bad I could sell stuff on EBay. I mean we've got crap all over the place, something's bound to be valuable, that I could part with. Anyway...I sift through all this. I wonder how much is fury that is for today and will pass, and how much is fury that is righteously applied to all that is wrong with my work establishment. It is not clear to me.

If they asked me this moment I feel like saying, So sorry, I'm leaving. But why does it feel like I may just be letting a moment take me down and I'm not thinking of the bigger picture.

I am thinking that with Reese coming wouldn't it be great to be home with the animals, use my darn Curves subscription (I haven't in a year. I know that's pathetic), Start eating right (every day I eat McDonald's Chix selects and a Diet Coke. It occurred to me today that I don't even eat vegetables, let alone the fact that I shun breakfast.)The food thing would indeed become a big deal, as I really would put effort into the whole grocery store (I have a near phobia about the G.S.) and energy into the cooking thing. I may even attempt to clean. This will definitely Shock and Awe my family. They would be spoiled forever.

Here's something to consider too. No obits means I type more stuff into the system. And a big part of that is the Opinion section. I don't mention it most of the time, but I type those letters in. And without discussing my persuasion, there are some very hot issues out there and I spend some time being pissed off when I'm typing a letter I don't like. And get this: I never read the paper. If I didn't work there, I would never touch the thing. As far as my politics go, the paper and mine don't match and it could rot for all I am concerned.

But if I don't do this, what do I do? I worked hard to just get them to let me work there! I know there's MT, but chuck that all into the great unknown, and the unknown as we all know, is scary.

All I know to do is to continue to stay strong. I fear at any time they're going to come to me and go, "Well?" I would hate to think that if I answer with the feeling of the moment that I will regret it. I know I'm burnt out. I thought I could say, "Yeah, I'll keep working if I get all next week off." But I am not even sure about that.

I know I go on endlessly. And you know its because I'm thinking, working it out, and I just plopped it out with my fingers. If not for this, my husband, and my IMers, I would be a frustrated, clueless F___ that probably would have freaked out big time at work and just walked out. I want to thank you all for taking my abuse.

And to all, a gooood night. :)

Your Tart

Monday, April 10, 2006

I Put My 2 Weeks In, But It's Just Not That Easy!!!!

Kittens popping out of pockets!! Have Mercy!!!!

Whoa! Only the craziest stuff could be happening to this bipolar lady!

Would you believe that I finally mustered the courage to put in my 2 weeks notice (with a whole lot of help from Husband and friends like Enigma IMing me in the a.m. and a double dose of Enigma and Raine in the evening. That you soooo much!!!! Your support means Everything to me! And you give good advice too!)

A mad scramble then occurred. The Publisher (THE big cheese) got involved. He was upset that Classifieds Hadn't taken the darn obits over yet, like they said they would! The Exec. Ed. asked me to detail my beef with the job, one of the more fun things I've done in a while! So I detailed it.

When she asked me to write her the email, she also asked that if Obits were gone would I want stay with the job assumably as typist extraordinaire which I do the rest of the time (Understand I came to her a month ago and posed this very same question! To which she said, no obits, tht particular job was over!)

So, now it seems I have to figure out if I want to stay. And as my Iming gurus suggested, well, it wouldnt hurt to see what its like.

So funny how things turn out, huh?!!

Saturday, April 8, 2006

Hey, I post from deep outer space - North Carolina! Yes, I drove Husband down here last night so he could save our country on a moment's notice if necessary, (aren't I benevolent!) and have his Reserve duty. So glad this house comes equipped with computer so that I may share my frustrations.

Well, last post was a long discussion of why to leave my present pittance of a job. Strangely, I was pushed to almost walking out entirely on Friday. I am still so angry and upset about it that I am thinking of walking in Monday and giving the nice little two week notice.

The problem was that someone was such a _______ that I was forced to say,"Your attitude is unaccepteptable," and I hung up on him. I am not sorry for it, because I was being abused and I will not stand for it, sure as hell not for $8 an hour. I am so tempted to not only print here the name of that funeral home, but to go online at Google where people might look up f.h. in an effort to decide what to do, and state that people should never use them and to run for their lives. My husband says they would probably sue me, but I say its free f****kin speech and isn't too bad that being awful does come back on you. Of course, I don't know the legal ramifications.

Understand that there are, of course, lovely people that I deal with on a daily basis, funeral homes that are sweet in fact, and their people actually praise me every chance they get. I talk to bereaved people all the time and we handle the whole thing with dignity. My real boss, the editor in chief of our illustrious paper pretty much backs me up, but she doesn't want to hear me bitch, and she is one of the few people that knows I'm bipolar. I literally cannot be paid more because I don't want to lose disability and I don't expect normies to understand that and I don't discuss it with anyone. Really, I fight the good fight in that I continue to work, and I have had plenty of these bottom wage jobs, so somehow this is nothing new. But I have a college degree and I can't even be properly enumerated for this bottom feeder job because I cannot handle the baloney that is daily existence for most normies. That is why I truly do deserve the disability money that I've been getting for 11 years. On one hand I seem really with it and take much on the other hand people have no business messing with me, and in the end no job ever works out.

Herein lies an obvious seeable difference between at least me and normies: They are taught that they must support themselves and that money is intrinsic to the whole shebang - they must have it to survive. Money/Job are synonymous. No matter how hard I try, no matter how 'normal' I can seem, no matter how much I hold in in an effort to assimilate, I intrinsically can't. I am made, because of illness, to not fit into this dynamic at all, and instead rely on others (my family, the gov't) for sustenance. Can you possible comprehend how much that hurts? I continually refuse to accept it or believe it. What, do I expect to impress someone at a cocktail party (have I ever been to a cocktail party?) and say yes, I am an obituary writer, I contribute to society, I have reached the apex of what I can do with a degree, and I hope you see how important I am. Poppycock. I do it to prove to myself that I have worth in the normie world. And how many times have I said that it is an absolutely travesty that I don't expect that world to think that who I am has already outweighed the game of money, job,ridiculousness in general. Understand I know I have done great things...well, blah, blah, blah.

I just want someone to pay. The f.h. to pay for their behavior and my supervisor that made the mistake of not supporting me, pay for his behavior. There is the very real possiblity that I could flip out and just go off. Worse than the fear that I may be ugly, I could get sued, maybe even by my own company or at least end a 'career' (HAH, I just laugh at that word) in a bad way. I am still so overcome by anger that I don't know how to get myself together to play the rest of the game.

Why anyone thinks its okay to toy with me I don't know. I wonder if I should try to get a lawyer and make a complaint against the supervisor. I didn't specify, but I'll say now that he did not support me, he'd placated them. I expect when I give my all for $8 an hour that when things like this happen that my supervisor say,"I know Tart would not hang up on anyone if she was not pushed or abused. That behavior is not acceptable and nothing short of an apology is going to make her consider even working with this individual again." Seriously, nothing short of that was the correct answer. Parents of rotten children stand up for them with this much conviction or more. And I sure as hell deserve better than that.

Friday, April 7, 2006

Webshots calls this Dog tired.

I should probably save this one when it looks like I will have lovely, peaceful slumber (nope, don't think that's going to happen) or when I am purily (word?) truly physically exhausted (no, haven't reach that point but unfortunately do know how that feels).

Alright, so the justification is that I *may* be getting 'tired of my life.' No, I'm not depressed, in fact if I were to share my mood it is a little bit electric and excited while properly medicated and not out of control about all things 'new kitty.' No the tired I mean is "have I reached the point where I would be ready to let go of my job and come stay mostly at home and hopefully work medical transcription?" Hmmm,, think, think, Pooh says. I need more time to think think and that's fine because...I have time.

What spurs this is that my medical transcription class ends after next week and we had a local owner of a transcription business come in and yak. She probably wouldn't be hiring until Sept., enough time for me to get things more together transcription-wise (long story)but I'm just thinking.

So I make a list, the el pros and cons list, often encouraged by those that want us to go insane via list. Here, off the top of my head at 12:32 a.m. I write:

Leaving Job - Good: 1)Don't really imagine myself obituary writer and fielder of petty and annoying calls the rest of my life.

2)Could take my work phone and shove it. (much like one above, but a lot more succinct)

3)Stay home and become more the person I want to be. Will have to force myself to exercise, eat breakfast (as I avoid those hours) but will get to interact with family (BIG PLUS), cook my husband an evening meal (this may decide it entirely, folks), and keep up with those pesky things called laundry and snail mail which are presently an avalanche that I cannot find my way out from under and may I say, overwhelm me. I will be able to give my animals all the me contact they deserve (maybe more), I can go to appointments at other times of the day but a.m. (did I mention I'm not awake then?), I could go to the grocery store when no one goes - I don't know when that is at the moment but I'm sure I'll find out.

Hunh. #3 Looks large and onerous and all on the 'good, shove your job' side. Now, what would be the cons to letting go my little part time jobola?

1)The unknown. I let go of job I worked SUPER hard to get, to even convince them to hire a disabled person (I REFUSED to tell them what the disability was, at the time) is a miracle that Yes, I have performed many times in the past, BUT there are aspects about my job that make me feel like I am doing something important. Especially if more people knew that a mentally ill person was providing them daily with their Celebrities, obituaries and a Monday front page column about fun stuff to do in the area. Only a few people know these things and its nice but my name-o is on none of it so apparently that's not why I do it. I get no pats on the back, no recognition and I TURNED DOWN some of the meager pay that they originally offered me so that there would be no problems with disability aka SS (faintly reminder of the Nazis for a reason!) I work for peanuts. As long as I continue to want to, I think that's okay. But if I don't...well, two weeks is all it takes to freedom. I put enourmous effort in being professional and making mentally ill people look really good, yeah if they knew I was mentally ill.

I wonder what I'm going to think of this years from now. I mean, I remember the squirmishes and bitchment that went on in other jobs and in some of them I can honestly say, could've done without any of that. Could've told them to shove their nasty attitude, to their faces, and would have been doing myself a service. Others, I'm glad I hung in there, they were good experiences. Some it seemed so damn important to run myself into the ground literally at the time, where now I look at it, no I'm not seeing it.

The unknown really is what is really like to be an at home medical transcriptionist? I don't know if I'm good enough to be hired. And the big thing is am I going to feel like I am contributing something, because it is obvious that that is pretty important to me. I am willing to forgo recognition and money in order to do something that seems fun and important. Well, good, this has helped me realize that but the question is: will medical transcription do those things for me? I love to type and of course people's medical records are super important, but will it drive me nutsky to sit here and listen, sometimes over and over, to difficult medical jargon? And so it comes into play the fact that I've gone to these classes since September but I've never really USED my home set for an extended period of time to see how I will take it, I am always too "busy." So, yay for having time till Sept. or whenever to find out, but you see what I'm thinking.

It's now 1:14 a.m. which is insane for me. I have one of those pesky a.m. appointments with the medical doctor. I pity the person who transcribes my records or figures my bill. Multiple ailments. Life expectancy: 10 years, tops. You know you shouldn't think things like that because who knows maybe they are self prophesying. But due to my metabolic syndrome (has anyone else heard or been diagnosed with this? I'd love to know) I could cardiovascularly croke in the next 10, so I was told, IF I DON't LOSE WEIGHT. I am not hulkingly overweight. I am by no means no a possiblity for gastric bypass. I only state this to try to give an idea that I am heavy and is by no means a cut on anyone that needs gb or is very overweight. My Mom's a big lady and wouldn't you know it, I love her. Anyhow, count that in to: I NEED for health to lose the poundage, and it just seems staying at home would at least give me more time for that. Not make me WANT to do it, or easy to structure in, but at least give me the chance to try.

These are things rolling around in my mind along with a whole bunch of other stuff that might bore you even further. Oh, IF I stayed home:

I would have more time to blog.

Now when is it I will have time to work? I still haven't figured that out yet!

Honestly, I think if I got to stay home the first two weeks I would be like My God, I'm on vacation! and it might look like all possiblity of being an accomplished structured person would go out the window. But then, after the second hour, my Mom would pop in, "Are you going to do your laundry now?"

We'll save what living with Mom when your 34 and living with your husband is like for another time.

By golly, dear reader, I wish I could give you a parting gift for reaching this far. This post has soooo been therapy for me almost like, Oh, you're still reading? Wow, well that is just awesome! :)

Oh, I should mention, that I have agreed to go out of the state this weekend to assist the husband in driving for Reserves soooo....if this is the last post till Monday, don't worry. I plan to come back and rant some more. (Lucky you.)

Thursday, April 6, 2006

Okay, well I have had a very fun time looking at these websites for cat toys, goodies, etc. It was so fun! I found stuff for Reese and myself. Of course, there are lots of buckets of biscuits and toys and everything for dogs too. It is fun to dream and wonder what our newest addition will really be like.

I know I'm doing well because I don't order things willy-nilly. Actually, that's never been a problem for me. I discovered this is because I am an 'angry' manic and not a more typical 'charrrrge it' manic if there is such a thing, all of this courtesy of UT. Never good to say 'typical' in something that just doesn't follow that anyway because I don't want to offend. I figure if we're able to type on a blog and deal with life in general then we're all pretty well together, and dealing with our demons just fine. If we are not doing well, we are either writing some good stuff due to angst or ready to throw in the towel.

I'm not ready to throw in the towel. I don't think I'm producing quality if you want to know the truth, but I would still like the opportunity to continue to do so. Who know maybe I'll get better!

I have a ton of grizzy bear pics. That's probably interesting in and of itself. They are big creatures that really cannot be ignored and you don't want to p*ss them off because they can maul you. And they are super protective of their young which I think really appeals to me. I think I save these pics for all you Moms out there who don't let anyone mess with their babies. Its almost always the mamas in this world that keep things right. These bears are for you.

Wednesday, April 5, 2006

Wow! Where have I been??!!!

I finally got some time, well really I'm borrowing 'sleep time,' and I looked on my blogfriend Mysti's site and there is just a plethera of cool stuff to catch up on and neat tests from Enigma's site (and you can bet I'll take them and let you know, Enigma) and I find great stuff on Lord Mark's site, and I am just makin' comments as I see fit and it occurs to me "WHERE HAVE I BEEN??!!" I mean honestly, did time just whooosh! pass me by? What have I been doing for the past week or week and a half that everything just passed me by?

It is a bizarre, disconcerting feeling.

I had the distinct impression that I wasn't being a good blogfriend and I appreciate that people kept coming here and keeping up with me. I do look on your sites, but I am just losing my mind. Seriously, Where the Heck was I?

Oh and Mark, I saw that nutty 'lil' thing that you performed on your site as a 'joke,' actually at the time (!), but I didn't know what to say. I was like, "Man, just when you find a good one." Blog that is, okay? Sheesh.

Tuesday, April 4, 2006

Wow! Did you see him? Thanks to all my Blogpeeps for your hearty congratulations about Reese's beautiousness and his impending arrival. He will probably be here not this weekend but the one after. Which is good, because his (isolation)'room' needs an overhaul. Eventually of course the whole house will be his, but he has to kept apart for better assimilation. (Have I been conversing with these people too much, or WHAT!)

Although I would be lying if I didn't say the Siamese Rescue folks did in fact drive me crazy with their protocol worthy of a human baby adoption, I must admit that their thoroughness does produce lovely results. I am especially impressed with the concept of a 'Meezer Express' where complete volunteers (aka unpaid workers) drive two hours each with the cat, passing him off to the next one until the destination in order to get him to his new 'forever' home. The concept certainly does sound to live up to its name.

I checked the massive online paperwork and discovered that I have been doggedly after a rescue Siamese for two months. I am impressed with myself.

Let me say it before it happens: This guy will be a mighty handful. But I am ready for him. I am mentally preparing myself as we speak for his purrrrsonality, demandingness, and vocal talents. I am much more on it this time. Of course, I have residual guilt about Sam, you know, that maybe I introduced him to the other animals too soon, especially. Soooo, Mr. Reese is going to get 7 days of isolation/quarantine in a room that is NOT attached to the back door of my house! What a duh! moment that was to realize that I don't have to put the cat in the back room.

Don't they say your mistakes are in fact a good thing because you learn from them and do a better job next time? The only problem is that previous mistakes led to a collarless, declawed cat to be in the open world. And may I say now and forever, I really am sorry for any stupidity I might have committed that might have helped that to happen. In my heart, I think we'll hear about him seriously or get him back in a few months. And I will welcome him back with open JungleTart arms and try to make everything work out. Now that will be some serious drama in the Jungle!

Presenting Reese!!!

I could not deny his adoring public a look at the new guy. These are his website pictures.

I should be contacted by the 'Meezer Express' about transport soon.

Wow! Isn't he gorgeous? What a beauty. I think we're in for it!

Presenting the newest member of the Jungle, Mr. Reese!

Monday, April 3, 2006


Imagine fireworks and insanity here, as I cannot get my photo to post due to some kind of Blogger evil.

Forget what you heard about GMU, people they ARE GIVING ME THE CAT!

Good things do happen to bipolar people!!!!!!! Yes, be heartened, for it is true!!!!

I got the email this morning, which they sent at 6:08 a.m. I have to admit I'm a little concerned because I went to call the foster and right when I was getting ready to leave my message my damn, sweet, annoying and could yet still die pug barked her head off still for no known reason and just sounded as vicious as one could sound. I am mortified.

Let's hope she does not check her voicemail and change her mind.

I got the cat! I got the cat! I got the cat! I got the cat! I got the cat!

I am happy and excited, but I am not going insane. Thank you for checking!

What pure joy, people, pure joy.

I certainly everybody has a great day!

Love, Tart

I got the cat! I got the cat! Siameze meezer, here you come, do dah, do dah, I'm so happy I'll shout it from the rooftops, oh a doo dah day to the tune of 'Camp Town Races' of course.

Can't you see it on CNN and every other TV station tonight, I'm running along the tops of rooftops, people below are like 'What the hell is she saying?' So the helicopter camera zooms in and I'm happily singing this song from above.

Wait a minute, that would be a nightmare as in the next moment they're slapping a straightjacket on me...

Oh no, this is my blog, my usual real dreams will stay off thank you.


Now I guess it is painfully clear why I like Spongebob so much. This is all pretty much a script for his show, huh! :)

Sunday, April 2, 2006

We wait with bated breath!!!!

OK, I've gotten an email stating that Reese passed the "dog test" and that the foster meowmy has to contact my original interviewer, so nooooooow....we wait until tomorrow!!!! Yes, she even said she hoped I didn't have a sleepless night, the devil. Well, stay posted because it looks like Monday is Reese championship day! :)

Sharing the Excitement!!!!!

I know that today will be a two part post.

Will I or will I not get the cat? (For the confused, I am speaking of Reese, the Siamese that I have been trying for a month to get out of the Siamese Cat Rescue)

Today, this evening, is when I find out!!!

I think of it like the whole Final Four. As a GMU alumni (yes I share that true fact) I was very caught up in the whole will they/won't they take it all the way thing and win the championship.

And just like the the team, I have put in a LOT of work to get this animal, to get what I want.

And just like the team, I say now that I am winner for even getting this far.

But just the team, I really, reallywant this cat!!!

So I had my interview on phone with the foster mom and it went so much better than I thought it would. As in, I really have a chance to get the guy, because the person ahead of me had a lot of cats and she feels Reese needs to be with few animals. Yeah, well anyway, we talked for a long time (1 hour) while I was sitting in my mom's RV (you didn't think I'd go 'camping' any other way did you! LOL) and she has to make one more interview, test Reese with a dog and see how he reacts, contact my orignal interviewer (do you SEE what I have been putting up with!)...and then tell me this evening who gets him.

In other words: Who wins?