Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Love to the World

Ahhh despite all that is crappy in the world, and sadly it seems daily I find more and More and MORE in it..I think it is time to share the love. That which is truly sweet, loving, kind, and notice if they weren't butterballs we'd know there was something seriously wrong. On this last day of February, on this day that is also my Beloved Husand's Birthday (Happy Birth..day, Baaabyy!)I present what is possibly the most adorable creature on Planet Earth - the baby seal. I still think I might make one my official Tart portrait. What do you think? Pleasant night and dreams to all.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Hello Campers,
I return from basically another lost weekend with the in-laws which was essentially painless, but I didn't get to say anything pithy here (do I ever? OK I'm working on that). Anyhow, those weekends are stressful because we drive for hours to get there, stay at someone else's abode, which is a very nice abode, but not mine. I guess its good that those dreams of being a rock star, traveling all the time, eating all that bad food (well that part I still do), the potential stardom, the papparrazi, the... oh, where were we? Oh, yeah, its a good thing that didn't pan out. I seem to be turning more and more into a homebody, and liking it. But I still love my 'People' magazine and all that salacious stuff and know just way too much about those things, so I don't feel too left out. Sometimes I start spouting that stuff on the late night drive home from the 'rentals (Tart's slang for Parental units) while driving and drinking my Diet Coke and my husband is just a snore away from deep slumber I will talk about my favorite famous people as if I knew the poor things. Its not that crazy, I just said for instance that I should write so-and-so a letter before they kick off (I guess 'Tart is a little irreverant about death, being an obituary writer :) and I explain why they're really are special and so on. But I don't go off about Cameron Diaz or Britney Spears. (Although I know what's going on with them, but I hardly every really care) Oh, no. It started with a discussion of the passing of Don Knots, and then I said, you know who really saddened me by her passing: Shelly Winters. Such a down to earth cool lady. Those types could just live forever. And then I started in about Patty Duke, Anna, who I admire so much and she turned out such a great kid: Sean Astin. And then I explained to my mostly asleep husband all about her growing up, how she admits to be being bipolar, doesn't hide it, and she has more than survived it. Oh, so much stuff. Guess you had to be there.
For those following the saga of my possible soon be empty job, as in I might not be doing it, I talked my boss-ola and she really does not know when they will have the other department completely take it over, BUT she will push to find out that information (which I do believe she will). She also offered me something in the 'sister paper' closer to home in fact that would just be typing and paginating (that means makin' the pages for publication, folks). So, its something to think about. However, I don't like to now be waiting for them to tell me what I want to know, because I was mentally ready to just hand in that two week notice. So I think. Consider. Wait.
Thanks to those who check in, and thanks to Lori-Lyn for making my day, as well. The Peaceable Kingdom blogger said hello, and I say hi back. You better squeeze Woody for me as well.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Freak out

I am so stressed. I am going to see about taking obits out of my life, and if they won't I think its the end of this job. They told me Classified's were going to take it over in November but nothing has come of it that I know about. I am having unbelievable stress dreams. I left an email for my boss last night to have a meeting. Had a cigarette first thing in the morning, a first in years after my restart of over a month ago. I about lost it yesterday after the evil f.h. pulled another stunt. I never say anything to them, just OK pretty much, and then think, "When is anyone going to put them in their place?" 'cause you don't want it to be me, because there will be a meltdown. It's much better if I bow out gracefully. Believe me, the people in direct vicinity to me know I am pissed. I know something is really wrong because I don't hear others go off like that. Again, I am alone in this. I can tell my husband, but he's like 'I agree with you, just do it (get rid of obits)' my therapist is useless: if I call I will only be leaving a message and her tag line is even in the face to face: you're doing well. Doing well ON MY OWN. I know better than to freak out in normie world, heck that might be the beginning of freaking out in an institution.
Well, gotta get ready for my 4-hour job that leaves me sweaty-palmed, beyond stressed and pissed. Gosh, I make Bipolar working look so good. Pleasant day, all.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

One Woman's Journey: Randomness

One Woman's Journey: Randomness
This post says so much of what I'm thinking. I appreciate so much that Enigma wrote her mind, that I wanted it to be permanently linked to my site.
And my time posts are CORRECT, as well! One thing that was driving me insane is FIXED! If only everything were so satisfying. Thank you for your patient indepth instructions Enigma. :)


What a day I have had. I come straight to rant and I have other blogs to check (Raine)so here I am. I'm a greenie, so if I weren't impatient I would right now figure out that linking thing to Raine's site because I did go there last night, after taking night meds (which I don't say exactly what they are because people can't believe I can operate on this sh*t)and I would keep it here for myself as it was beautiful and something I would scream out to the world myself. Scream, wow, I guess I just feel like screaming. Don't worry, I will leave my full thoughts on it as a response. I tried to last night, but darlin' I was fading fast.

First we'll start with my day, which I hope to keep short because I have something more important to share further down. I work at a newspaper and my main job is putting obituaries in daily. I deal with funeral homes all the time and have a telephone for this purpose. I would like to take that telephone and shove in the unnecessary to name place. Understand, I am good on the telephone, but if I were to be left alone to type, which I might add it seems that everyone else is, but me the bipolar who gets mad much easier than the average bear has to? I would in fact, probably be just fine. Well, that is why I'm learning medical transcription so I can type til the sun don't shine and call people when I feel like it. Anyway, the one thing useful that my useless therapist seems to have come to the conclusion is that I am the angy/irritated manic not the pie in the sky max your credit card and gosh lovin' that manic high manic. If you're that type I hope your not too offended but my mania aint even fun, kapish? Oh, don't get me wrong I've been to crazy land hun, my true mania goes right to psychotic and into the arms of a psychiatric hospital. Why does life have suck so for me? All I am left with are a few stellar gifts, the major of being writing, and here we find ourselves. I find it interesting that I needed to tell you specifics about my mania to rant about the job because in the end that's what it all comes down to. I'm very high functioning person who is possessed by a mental illness but even the most functioning can be pushed only too far. That doesn't mean that I can take a lot, because I can't. Without going into the sordid details (I guess I spare any readers since I didn't think folks would care, but if you are dying to know (yes, pun) just say so) all it took today to make me want to quit is an email from someone who was unhappy with a family member's obituary.In trying to deal with it I was mostly left on my own by superiors. Oh, and I don't like to cut on a bereaved person, but she was just psycho and nasty. There, I said it. Other days I have a specific f.h. that is nasty and pulls all kinds of tricks like it was an artform. I physically get sweaty palms so that you can feel the slickness with a finger. I just don't need that kind of stress. I don't see normal people having those kind of reactions at their piece of crap part-time jobs or anywhere else for that matter. I am training for something different, something I HOPE will be better, but I did want to walk in to my Executive Editor's office and say, "No more."

Now another thing: My smoking has gotten way out of control. We're talking cigarettes here and no I'm not even having that many per day. But I quit 3 years ago. You may remember me half-joking about thinking about starting again after what I hope will be the last hell wedding in our family. Well, I went out and purchased some on Monday. I know there is something really wrong in my life if I am doing this to myself, besides what is truly troubling is that emotionally I think I deserve them, that I need something to help me because in fact I feel that no one listens or if they do in fact listen, they cannot understand. I am not saying to this to be Whanh! in blog land or anywhere else, I'm talking about my life in reality.

Alright, on to the next order business. Things really are sad here in the Jungle because my mother had to put her cocker spaniel to sleep today. My husband and I live with my mother. There I said it, the romanticism and mystery is just gone. I normally hide this 'vile' secret as close to my heart as I do my bipolar from normies but what the hell, this opens even bigger possiblities for rant. Anyhow, she buried her beloved dog in the Pet Cemetery, a certain area in the back yard, so named by my husband. Also, I brought Myles home today, compact and cremated in a lovely box from the emergency vet. He now rests in my hutch, above my nifty Pug statue. My husband is against the Pet Cemetery, I guess he finds it wrong in many ways. Anyhow, their bodies are with us in some ways, but in fact their souls have gone to a better place. Now, I am going to type in 'Rainbow Bridge.' It's really only fitting, for even though the Jungle is being reconstituted (I am actively looking for my next feline and Mom might like a Pug of her own), most of it as I have known it has left, except for Emma, my Pug. I believe all of these that we have loved so much deserve the beautiful place of which this poem speaks. I know that some think it's cheesy or overdone, but I think its comforting mostly. I don't claim to know what the next life is, but I don't see anything wrong with the one they're talking about here.

Rainbow Bridge

There is a bridge connecting Heaven and Earth. It is called the
Rainbow Bridge because of its many colors. Just this side of the
Rainbow Bridge there is a land of meadows, hills and valleys with
lush green grass.

When a beloved pet dies, the pet goes to this place.
There is always food and water and warm spring weather.
The old and frail animals are young again. Those who are maimed
are made whole again. They play all day with each other.

There is only one thing missing. They are not with their special person
who loved them on Earth. So each day they run and play until
the day comes when one suddenly stops playing and looks up. The
nose twitches! The ears are up! The eyes are staring!
And this one suddenly runs from the group.

You have been seen, and when you and your special friend meet,
you take him or her in your arms and embrace. Your face is kissed
again and again, and you look once more into the eyes of your
trusted pet.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together, never again to be


To Boo, Cocoa, Myles and Snooky. You are loved, forever.

Monday, February 20, 2006

I survived.

Hello, hello, hello. I'm back. I have survived what I knew was going to be a hell weekend and despite constantly craving a cigarette I haven't had one yet. Although, I could go buy some today. Hmmm..
I went to a spoiled brat's wedding, one of those all 'me and my sorority peeps, my bestest 20 or 30 friends in the world, while completely ignoring the people who really do care about me, my family, who came from miles away to be tortured by my event, type weddings.' I discovered my fairly new extended family are quite cool, as in I like them a lot and personally enjoy spending time with them, especially for two short days. Pretty painless and I had fun. The bride completely ignored them and she's blood family to them. So, yeah I guess in some ways that automatically made the 'tart look good but I don't take overwhelming pleasure in it because they all flew back home feeling upset or bad and that's not right.
Some pretty cool people left posts on 'tart's blog here and I want to thank them. I don't know where to go get my clock into reality, but I am a step closer since apparently it IS possible, so I need to find out more about that. Also, I didn't understand about making the 'side' posts more postable, but I am also very interested in finding out about that so I need to talk to Enigma and Raine. I guess I could post to their personal sites. At the moment, I need to sign off, cause if I'm late to work again certain persons take that as a license to be crappy to me. I have class tonight so I may not get to say anything more until tomorrow, but I do have some exciting news on the cat front, so I can spout about that another time. Have a great day, all.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Adventures of a JungleTart

Adventures of a JungleTart
I had to check this out. I just hit 'Blog This' I guess it'll just pub this?

Just when I was getting a little cranked out about blogging, Ok, work might have cranked me out too, and the dang-diggity-dog No. Va. traffic did NOT help...anyhow, I went a lookin', you know checking my favorite blogs, I'm telling you if you need a pick me up, hit that Next Blog button. I think we bloggers must be little voyeurs at heart, you know wondering what the 'other' people are doing. And sometimes I come across people that I really WOULD want to meet if we weren't in outer space. And that heartens me. That is all the Tart needs. A heartened Tart. I could not resist.

Well anyway, two things. One is I mostly seem to add to this in the evening so it probably looks like I am behind if you check this thing in the a.m., I don't know if anyone does or not. And the OTHER thing...

I will be away from my blog until Sunday evenin.' Yeah, I'm even out of the office Friday, cause my sister-in-law is getting married and she's going to have one of those rehearsal dinners tomorrow night and I'm now a permanent part of the 'party,' so I must go. These are the cold hard facts.
Alrighty, I got my hair did yesterday, and I'm plannin' to get my nails done tonight. Bet you didn't know the Tart does like Missy Elliott.
I leave you with a purty picture that I stole from Webshots. I particularly save stuff that is calming to me, because I occasionally put my photos into 'video' mode and its...just..so..nice. Love, Tart.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

the Jungle: B, E and M.

The Late great Boo kitty aka The Extraordinaire
It's time to talk about the Jungle, how it has changed. We begin with my man Boo here, who, as you might have guessed that he is 'Late,' is no longer with us. But he is mighty important as I learned what loving a pet was all about, from start to finish, from taking care of him. I got this guy from the local shelter when he was 3 months old, I was so green I didn't even have a carrier for him and he crawled all over me with his sharpo nails all the way home. I was 16 at the time, just got out of my first time in a mental hospital and I was dead set on having a kitty. Maybe that's what made it so special, I don't know. He was gorgeous as you can see, with an underlying crankster attitude. And he got to be big, up to 17 pounds at one point. I am proud, because I took care of everything even the last year or so of his life, giving him a pill each night because of his Thyroid condition and finding ways around his kidney issues when he was peeing 'outside the box' and was threatened with euthanasia. I held him when the time came as our whole family blubbered while the vet stopped his heart.
Emma the pug came in the last few years of Boo's life. I knew the end was coming and I was buffering it for myself. She is the first dog I have owned and she has turned out great, especially because we did the Petsmart classes. It's worth it so you don't have a little Napoleon dog thinking she rules everything. And she heels. If she feels like it.
A few months after Boo passed last February, a family member offered her cat to me (fiance allergic to him). So I checked him out, just watching him and could see what a wonderful feline guy he was. That is how Myles came home with me. Two weeks ago, we had the shock of our life when Myles experienced sudden death right before my eyes. He just stretched out really long and let out a terrible yowl, began panting heavily and LEFT us. My husband tried to give him mouth to mouth recusitation and it was actually too late, he was limp. I took Myles' body to an emergency vet and had them do an autopsy, because I was going to live the rest of my life thinking that I had just rubbed the little guy's chest and boom, he was gone. That was worth it too, because we found out he had hypertrophic cardiomegaly - an enlarged heart. At his tender age of just 1 and half it is considered a genetic condition. I had no idea and I really don't know if he had symptoms. He seemed to spend a lot of time alone, but he was a CAT, ya know!? I feel kind of special that I saw it happen, as really it could have happened at any time, and while there really wasn't any way to say goodbye, somehow it gives me some closure. I will publish pictures of his better days when I get them off of my camera.
Now some people may not understand this, but I have started looking for a new cat right away. I am not trying to replace Myles, that cannot be done. In the short amount of time we had with him we got attached to all the nutty things that he would do and loved to have a kitty on the bed at night. I have a had a feline in my life for a long time and there is a void without one. I don't call some of my life a jungle for nothing. You can judge me all you want but I don't have kids and these creatures really are that for me in many ways. For those of you who do have children, yes there are problems for people like me, and one them that sucks the most is getting judged by the 'mommies' in the world. That's a beef I have in general because I have paid my dues in mental pain in this world and the years that would have been prime for procreation (the 20') were not so conducive for me, why should I be seen as less responsible or be the source of someone's numnut jealousy. That whole subject deserves its own rant. Anyhow, here is the Jungle B,E and M.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

No comparison

Ah, I am feeling pretty good not receiving activity today after a getting such a stunning amount of posts yesterday. Now, you may be thinking, quit it Tart, stop worrying about all that. I am ok with it, because I'm not a good under the pressure kind of individual. Maybe I take that back, as when I've really been pushed emotionally I think I come out pretty sparkling. But there is so much to establish before I can just spill on that I think. I am pretty proud of myself that I've turned out pretty well. For my circumstances. Its so hard because when people start thinking about how well they've turned out or even how happy they are with their lives at the present time, well don't they find themselves comparing themselves to others and that is almost guaranteed to be a downer. We start getting into feelings like jealousy, and I have found myself in very bad situations when I start sensing that. Here's something interesting that I have heard about comparisons: "When you compare yourself to another, you are comparing the 'bad' traits that you know about yourself to the good traits you SEE in someone else." In other words you don't really know what's in another's heart and they could makin' things look really good when they are just seething inside. I'll bet that's why people like "Desperate Housewives."

Anyhow, sometimes even the Tart gives in that there are good comparisons like the fantastic competition that just happened on my TV. No, I'm not talking about the Olympics, it was the Westminster Kennel Club picking best in show. While my natural favorite, the Pug, did not win Best, Ch. Riversong Mulroney did win Best of the Toy breed, nothing to sneeze or wheeze at. Maybe I can get the pic I stole off MSN in here. He is a solid boy, bigger than my Emma pug, and Husband thinks he might have messed up his chances for the big win 'cause he was so rambunctious and didn't quite want to play the game that we worried he might disqualify himself. Regardless, the mysterious Pug sickness has overtaken our family and we're just glued if one is going to be on T.V. That is because I got Emma, after lots of internet research as to what kind would be the best dog to get for our family. She's 2 and I'll download my more recent pics eventually, but maybe you'd like to see her from a little while back. That handsome guy in the back with glowing eyes is the Late great Boo kitty, Mar. 1988-Feb. 8, 2005. Don't I have so much talk about? But I'm going to bed. That's my contribution to the net and I'm done fer the day. You know, it cranks me that the time on these things are never right. Do you have to get it reset for reality or something? If you know, don't hesitate to spill. Thanks, Tart.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Uh oh.

I have to admit this whole blogging thing is the biggest high I've had in a while. I'm scaring myself frankly, not only for the masses of time that I am no longer spending "hangin' with my loved ones" as noted in my favorites, but for the weird, the motor's going feeling. I don't like it. At the same freakin' time I've frankly been in hell for the past two months, yes to the point of just wanting it to stop. As in suicide. Am I supposed to say spoiler or something? So, of course, we can all see the bipolar in this. I wanted to be d*mn sure that I was being myself on this page, but the fact that it is 11:57 p.m. and I have staved off taking my night meds because I didn't want to get sleepy, well, I can see that that's not a good thing. So, I am trying to chill. These roses are for you all. I got to get some sleep. I got a neat thing planned for my husband for the a.m. and I'll tell you about it later.

Happy Valentine's Day, one and all! This is my gift to everyone, and its a big deal because I figured out the photo thing. It makes me feel good inside to look at roses, I hope it does for you too.

Good morning for no one at the present time!

Good morning for no one at the present time!
And that is OK because no pressure is just what the 'tart needs. This blog has already proved a miracle of epic proportions because I got up early today to check up on its needs, write a little somepin' somepin', and I'm feeling good. My therapist should have recommended this for me, and years ago! But alas, the poor thing is so useless in many ways. I got up, people!!! I usually wait to the absolute last minute to get up for me job - yes, I have one, and it is obvious I will have to get up even earlier to check everything I like to check (for fun, I am not obsessive just so you know) and post as this is already encroaching on getting ready for work time and I can't handle that. Today I have to go to work in the snow with no cigarette. These two are not really related except that they are inconveniences. Husband finally caught on that I was smoking and he put his sweet yet drill sergeanty foot down. I have agreed to quit OK cause the 'Tart has health problems too, but I am so jonesin' for one. Well, this is not prolific as far as I can tell, but I really have to prepare for my several hours at the newspaper. Oh heck, why should where I work be a secret, I know I'll go off about it at some point.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Vive the 'Tart! Presenting a spankin' new blog. We are so proud.

Today is the birth of my blog and yes, I am geek enough to be super excited about that. This is really the marriage of some great things for me, as I love to type endlessly about myself (I am a writer, really first, foremost and at heart), and am the kind of person that feels emotionally vindicated when I get it all out. As a matter of fact, it is the best form of therapy that I have found yet. I am even pompous enough to believe that someday, someone will want to read far enough back to this point. I will definitely be the kind of blogger that loves to share the minutiae (I have already been admonished to keep that which is personal and not to cus as this is a public forum (by my husband, Blogger knows I've got sense right?), and I really need a place to be me, to not bow to any person or to change my style of fun and truth. Always truthful, it is in fact a curse. Prepare thyself World, for I am coming and d*mn it, I'm honest and explanatory! It remains to be seen if I am inflammatory.
Now, a little about me and this blog. JungleTart is in fact a very special name that I made up, one of those cute names, for my husband, before he was my husband many years ago. He immediately reminded me of that after I had proudly named this. But blogwise I was thinking that it was the perfect name for my animals (my jungle) who are in fact so cute, I know I will mention them, put their picture(s) up and bond with others on that front. The tart, is my tongue, that which I say and I mean to be honest about things like my bipolar and probably what the heck I think of everything and it is guaranteed, anything that bothers me.
Understand, in fact, that it is very difficult for me to talk about my bipolar on some forum that just goes out there any and everywhere. But I have decided to go ahead and use this as a ranting post a place to let loose. I assure one and all, I, maybe unfortunately for one and all, have so much to rant about. So I can't just put this adorable name on a business card and have casual people that KNOW me read this. I've got reason for anonymity as bipolar illness is called a mental illness, and that's it, the normies are freaked. This world needs a big kick in the pants and a wake up call to see all the lovelies, the out and out brilliant ones, and the scores and legions of survivors and champions that we are. I'm doin' what I can ladies and gentlemen. Doin' what I can.
So I make this pact to myself, to stay true to myself, that if I ever get folks that check this thing a lot that their opinions are just that. This blog is for me first but at the same time I love to truly help someone and at present time don't get a whole lot of chances to do that, so if someone feels better because they are not the only tart/freak in the world that truly gratifies me. Vive the 'Tart! Presenting a brand new spankin' blog. We are so proud.