right on. pass me the gun.

I don't know if I can say this stuff on blog. Never written anything this honest. So if that's a trigger, darlin' you've been warned.

I don't know how moms do it.

We have all heard that before, but I mean it, in my life I don't know how They do it and it seems clear to me that I could never do it.

And that hurts.

For me to have a child, I would have to get off my meds, the two main ones, Lithium and Depakote are known teratogens: as in brain and heart deformities are very very very possible. If I go without it, I risk psychosis.

Yeah, could adopt. Why give a mentally person a kid? Wanted to have my own. Probably would have too, already. The first time it even occurred to me that I 'should'n't' have kids was when I asked my MIL about it, never expecting her to say I probably shouldn't. She asked if it would be fair to put my family through that?

Whoa. My mom and dad have gently said maybe it wouldn't be a good idea. But after MIL I started to really grieve, it made it so real.

The pug is the first puppy I've had. I know it sounds silly but she was sooooo much work, and I did have sleep deprivation, I worried about her if I even took a shower. Of course she's a lot less work now, except I worry about her running out the front door, like she did when she was a pup and scared us to death running in circles in the front yard and street. yes, this is the obvious comparison of pet to child. Can I seem more of a childish, sloppy, non-grown up to simply be put up with? Cause that's how it feels like most people treat me. In fact, I have intelligence that wipes most people away and I resent being looked down on by idiots.

Again there are normies who don't have kids. It is a choice really, and I see mostly jealousy from those looking in. I hear how satisfying wonderful the reason for living etc. is it. I see and hear the contempt when I say no I don't have children.

I do have a montrous illness. How is that for something to read up on, feel pain, and something for us to share on endless chats, coffee breaks, and bumper stickers. I am so clueless about it in understanding it. I take all this stuff, the meds, I continue. I did say to my husband, you know it would be cheaper if I shot myself in the head now. I'm thinking a shell is what, under $2, the funeral might seem expensive but after that you didn't have to feed me for years, pay for meds, or deal with retirement. Don't worry. I don't own a gun. Honest. And gosh, I'm just too much of a fighter to do that right?

I said before that I grieve, because I just don't see myself with this montrousity. I grieve for what it is ripped away from me: the same normal as everyone else. And the Rotten Anger is positively draining. I'm tired of it honestly. I try to keep to myself. I know everybody has 'stuff' everybody has problems and issues. Could it be that mine really are too much to bear? Could it be that I really am a sack of shit? I don't want to 'give', 'contribute' any frikin more. I've made more contributions than most. I made a couple people really happy (my parents and my husband, for surviving something that should have already killed me). I got a damn degree. I have a damn job. I pay SS while living off SS. What the hell more could society and the government want? If I went on Oprah I could emasculate myself in front of nation, I don't think I could go much farther. There is no way to stop this rant. I don't say it for 'no don't do that' or the 'yeah, I've got it bad, too, buck up, crap' I don't want any response. I calmly state that this sucks. I can't begin to count the number of people I may have just offended. Damn it, I'm tired of being offended. Where's my PC squad to make the world a better place for me? Who's protecting me from what's offensive. When they lock us up aren't they protecting everyone else from us? Cause they sure don't do shit for us on the inside.
Now you know what its Really like to live with me.