Wednesday, March 15, 2006

right on. pass me the gun.

I don't know if I can say this stuff on blog. Never written anything this honest. So if that's a trigger, darlin' you've been warned.

I don't know how moms do it.

We have all heard that before, but I mean it, in my life I don't know how They do it and it seems clear to me that I could never do it.

And that hurts.

For me to have a child, I would have to get off my meds, the two main ones, Lithium and Depakote are known teratogens: as in brain and heart deformities are very very very possible. If I go without it, I risk psychosis.

Yeah, could adopt. Why give a mentally person a kid? Wanted to have my own. Probably would have too, already. The first time it even occurred to me that I 'should'n't' have kids was when I asked my MIL about it, never expecting her to say I probably shouldn't. She asked if it would be fair to put my family through that?

Whoa. My mom and dad have gently said maybe it wouldn't be a good idea. But after MIL I started to really grieve, it made it so real.

The pug is the first puppy I've had. I know it sounds silly but she was sooooo much work, and I did have sleep deprivation, I worried about her if I even took a shower. Of course she's a lot less work now, except I worry about her running out the front door, like she did when she was a pup and scared us to death running in circles in the front yard and street. yes, this is the obvious comparison of pet to child. Can I seem more of a childish, sloppy, non-grown up to simply be put up with? Cause that's how it feels like most people treat me. In fact, I have intelligence that wipes most people away and I resent being looked down on by idiots.

Again there are normies who don't have kids. It is a choice really, and I see mostly jealousy from those looking in. I hear how satisfying wonderful the reason for living etc. is it. I see and hear the contempt when I say no I don't have children.

I do have a montrous illness. How is that for something to read up on, feel pain, and something for us to share on endless chats, coffee breaks, and bumper stickers. I am so clueless about it in understanding it. I take all this stuff, the meds, I continue. I did say to my husband, you know it would be cheaper if I shot myself in the head now. I'm thinking a shell is what, under $2, the funeral might seem expensive but after that you didn't have to feed me for years, pay for meds, or deal with retirement. Don't worry. I don't own a gun. Honest. And gosh, I'm just too much of a fighter to do that right?

I said before that I grieve, because I just don't see myself with this montrousity. I grieve for what it is ripped away from me: the same normal as everyone else. And the Rotten Anger is positively draining. I'm tired of it honestly. I try to keep to myself. I know everybody has 'stuff' everybody has problems and issues. Could it be that mine really are too much to bear? Could it be that I really am a sack of shit? I don't want to 'give', 'contribute' any frikin more. I've made more contributions than most. I made a couple people really happy (my parents and my husband, for surviving something that should have already killed me). I got a damn degree. I have a damn job. I pay SS while living off SS. What the hell more could society and the government want? If I went on Oprah I could emasculate myself in front of nation, I don't think I could go much farther. There is no way to stop this rant. I don't say it for 'no don't do that' or the 'yeah, I've got it bad, too, buck up, crap' I don't want any response. I calmly state that this sucks. I can't begin to count the number of people I may have just offended. Damn it, I'm tired of being offended. Where's my PC squad to make the world a better place for me? Who's protecting me from what's offensive. When they lock us up aren't they protecting everyone else from us? Cause they sure don't do shit for us on the inside.
Now you know what its Really like to live with me.


mysti said...

(((Tart))) Sometimes writing is better then talking to a therapist. It allows one to really vent. I posted a poem with you and a few others in mind today on my blog.


Raine said...

((((Tart)))) you know I can see your cycles and they run just like you mine- yesterday was the irritation and the anger followed today by the depression- thats just how mine goes. I am not invalidating your feelings hun- just making an observation. I have raised two kids. If I had the choice to do it again with this illness I wouldnt. I love them dearly and wouldnt give them up for the world. But it ISN"T all warmth and fuzziness. Its freakin HARD. When Life comes and hurts your kids it rips your heart our and you spend the rest of your life blaming yourself and wishing you had done it all differently. Even tho everyone tells you that you arent responsible- you were a good mom etc etc etc you always blame youself. Its a terrible responsibilty to have a child, things happen that you just cant control-food for thought. I hope this depression stage passes quickly for you and you get to feeling better soon hun

'Tart said...

I was really afraid to read what people would say after this post of evil.

Thank you for not skewering me.

Even more thanks for being so kind.

Mark (Lord of the Idiots) said...

Tart, you write whatever you want. I agree with Mysti....writing everything out is good therapy. I have done a lot of posts that never saw the light of day because they were too dark or mean. But it sure felt good typing them up at the time..... Smile! Things WILL get better.....

Enigma said...

I am commenting here to see if this does in fact go to Tart,
or if it goes to The Lone Tomato

If it's tart... please reply to my email

If it's the lone tomato, you may want to check this out...

mizeeyore said...

Tart honey write whatever you feel! that's what this here bloggin thang is about. fuck those who wanna spill their Hateraid all over you; that's THEIR problem not yours!

as one who is not afraid of cuttin' loose on my blog, girl, if shit pisses you off, SAY IT! if life in general pisses you off - SAY IT!

i feel ya on the way those of us who are mentally ill are treated and depicted in movies and TV shows. it pisses me off to high pissivity and just like you, if i were to rage about that kind of shit, they'll send Chicago's Finest to lock me up and take me to the nearest cuckoo's nest.

speakin of kids...i have two daughters, one 27 and the other 18. like Raine said, it's fuckin' hard raising kids, and when life or situations ups and hurts your kids, like she said, it rips your fuckin heart out and you carry the guilt and weight while steadily blaming yourself for not being able to protect your child. i know. my oldest daughter was molested by my last ex-husband and i carried the guilt of that for years. it hurt me deep down inside and i'm finally coming to grips with it.

anyway, i didnt mean to make this the sequel to "War and Peace" just to let you know that we who come by your blog care a lot about you and as i said before, honey, write about whatever is on your mind, be it good, bad, happy, sad, mad, whatever. it's your blog and you post what you want to!

feel better soon!
miz e