Introspection

Coral Cave, Fiji


I do not know if this is a 'rare' day or indicative of days to come. I don't know if I will be a raging angry individual by the end of this day. But right now, at what for me is an early hour, I feel good.

Of course, I feel guilty for it. Whenever, I feel good I become acutely aware of either the suffering of others or somehow others do their darndest to make me acutely aware of their suffering. And I think, 'why the heck should I be happy?' Which, if I sense that someone is actually trying to make me feel that way, pisses me off, and then I guess they won, cause then I'm not quite so happy.

Knowing that I have the kitty cheers me up immeasurably. And living in mostly 'unjangled' circumstances certainly must help. I don't know what consists of happy, what makes it stay. Is it because I've taken my meds mostly right the past few days? I am a good ranter when I'm angry, truly my best or most revealing writing takes place during this time. In general, I like to post lots of pictures because they are fun and there's nothing wrong with focusing on fun. Sometimes the littlest thing that can bring a smile to my face helps me hang on and help me be a little happier.

The people that I see as consistently happy (or the ones I really enjoy knowing) are at the same time, very responsible people. Since they know from day to day that their moods are consistent that is probably something they never consider and they are able to pile on the responsibilities. But life craps on the 'happy' or perhaps I mean those in control of their emotions, as well as the rest of us.

So I guess I mean I feel good. Right now. Knowing that evil will return at some point. I will 'lose it' again, however big or small. So, enjoy it Tart. Isn't that one of the saddest aspects of our illness? Besides the complete unfairness of it in the first place, which I AM NOT OVER.

After a ton of time talking to 'useless therapist' meaning a good year of some consistent themes we were able to determine that I am in mourning over my mental health. As in I am experiencing actual grief that I am not normal. Still trying to accept it, still monstrously angry about it and not seeming too close to acceptance. Ok, if I was diagnosed yesterday that might be explainable even understandable. I was diagnosed at age 16, yes, check my profile (I need some hits anyway) I am way past that age now. I don't know if its because I've been too damn busy to deal with my 'issues' or what, maybe I have purposely made myself too busy, I don't know. But occasionally UT helps me realize important stuff like that but gives me no tools as to how to deal with it. Again, left on my own with that. But gosh, I must be doing a pretty good job with it, cause...

I feel good today.