Tuesday, March 7, 2006

Introspection



Coral Cave, Fiji


I do not know if this is a 'rare' day or indicative of days to come. I don't know if I will be a raging angry individual by the end of this day. But right now, at what for me is an early hour, I feel good.

Of course, I feel guilty for it. Whenever, I feel good I become acutely aware of either the suffering of others or somehow others do their darndest to make me acutely aware of their suffering. And I think, 'why the heck should I be happy?' Which, if I sense that someone is actually trying to make me feel that way, pisses me off, and then I guess they won, cause then I'm not quite so happy.

Knowing that I have the kitty cheers me up immeasurably. And living in mostly 'unjangled' circumstances certainly must help. I don't know what consists of happy, what makes it stay. Is it because I've taken my meds mostly right the past few days? I am a good ranter when I'm angry, truly my best or most revealing writing takes place during this time. In general, I like to post lots of pictures because they are fun and there's nothing wrong with focusing on fun. Sometimes the littlest thing that can bring a smile to my face helps me hang on and help me be a little happier.

The people that I see as consistently happy (or the ones I really enjoy knowing) are at the same time, very responsible people. Since they know from day to day that their moods are consistent that is probably something they never consider and they are able to pile on the responsibilities. But life craps on the 'happy' or perhaps I mean those in control of their emotions, as well as the rest of us.

So I guess I mean I feel good. Right now. Knowing that evil will return at some point. I will 'lose it' again, however big or small. So, enjoy it Tart. Isn't that one of the saddest aspects of our illness? Besides the complete unfairness of it in the first place, which I AM NOT OVER.

After a ton of time talking to 'useless therapist' meaning a good year of some consistent themes we were able to determine that I am in mourning over my mental health. As in I am experiencing actual grief that I am not normal. Still trying to accept it, still monstrously angry about it and not seeming too close to acceptance. Ok, if I was diagnosed yesterday that might be explainable even understandable. I was diagnosed at age 16, yes, check my profile (I need some hits anyway) I am way past that age now. I don't know if its because I've been too damn busy to deal with my 'issues' or what, maybe I have purposely made myself too busy, I don't know. But occasionally UT helps me realize important stuff like that but gives me no tools as to how to deal with it. Again, left on my own with that. But gosh, I must be doing a pretty good job with it, cause...

I feel good today.

4 comments:

mysti said...

I read this today, it relates to your blog.

Author: Catherine Marshall
I have observed that when any of us embarks on the pursuit of happiness for ourselves, it eludes us. Often I've asked myself why. It must be becuase happiness comes to us only as a dividend. When we become absorbed in something demanding and worthwhile above and beyond ourselves, happiness seems to be there as a by-product of the self-giving.

I try to remember that when someone tries to bring you down it is worth remembering what Jesus said in the book of Matthew 16: 23

Jesus turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

Now Granted not always do I follow my own advice. LOL I certainly have my days when I have allowed someone elses words to bring me down, and then I become moody and defensive. I do however try hard to remember that when a person sees happiness in you, and they are not happy, they become very jealous. It is natural for them to want company in their misery. Instead try to out shine them with happiness, and positive energy. Maybe instead of them bringing you down, you might bring them up! If that does not work, then tell them to get behind you , Because they are a stumbling block for you...

mysti said...

Oh! I want you to know that I have not forgotten about showing you how to add links to your page. When I have a quiet moment to sit and write the steps I will do so. Promise! I am off to take a walk on the beach right now, and to get some errands done before my children arrive home.

Stay happy, and have a blessed day.

Enigma said...

Hey, Tart, I have a post and entire blog for you in response to your comment on my blog.

Hope it helps.

Raine said...

I am glad you are feeling good today. Enjoy it. That is just one simple thing I have learned. Enjoy the good days when you have them, the bad ones will be back soon enough and then you just ride through those the best you can til they are over and the good ones are back. Meanwhile- enjoy the good ones.