To the beach!

Bora, Bora

Gonna go for a couple days of relaxation. I'm still around but I know I won't have blog writing access so I'll see you in a couple of days!

Your Tart

I think the problem with me trying to write something at this time, is that inside I just don't want to share anything.

I don't have a photo to share, either. I looked. There's nothing I want to give from me out there to anyone.

I wonder if my post below hit some kind nerve. Like people just feel its petty and could have lived just fine without me expressing my anger.

I call this non-fiction writing. I try hard in fact to make it entertaining even as I babble on endlessly. One aspect of this kind of writing is how difficult it is to find a satisfactory end. Take my word for it, as I have a bona fide degree in English, and I had actual professors tell me this important fact.

So you think...and you think...what would be a good ending.

That would be if I had the energy or determination to care.

So I'm going to hear about my cycles and how its ok to be depressed. Yup. Sometimes you just breathe, if you aren't forced to speak to make someone else happy.

I haven't done anything wrong. I don't feel guilty. I don't have anything to say.

In an effort to not be selfish, because I have a blog I check occasionally and the person hasn't written since March 2 without explanation, Honey that is SELFISH, I promise I will come back in full Tart form, not giving a care to what people think about me and what I put in here and it will be all good.

Judge not unless ye are a normie.

This bipolar individual states that all normies better watch out today. The beauty of the blog is that Tart can say, "I am mad."

Screw me if you must, but I still am the better person.

And that's with having a disturbing emotional issue(s). You can be shitty to me, but I know that God gave me this because I can handle it, and I do believe that those stupid people that do mess with me are in fact a sign from God telling us that there are lower life forms. Forget what that that pesky Bible has been telling you. We should feel sorry for normies because they could not handle the stress and constant bullshit that I offer up in my little finger. Get upset about that if you must, but if I have to live in the 'normies' world, be pissed on by them at every turn, then it should be pointed out that I am still the better person because I handle myself as much like a normie I can, while dealing all of my sh*t. If I look great while doing it I think not God or the world could ask more of me (Nobel prize, please) If someone actually finds the need to f*ck with me then they deserve hell fire. Or a good rip from the JungleTart, Extraordinaire.



I do not have to explain who I am to anyone. God might even keep me down just the slightest in the looks department just to keep people from being blinded by my Goddessness and for my cover to be blown and me showing up on CNN. Understand that I am quite a pretty gal.

What could cause this Tart, you say? I just wasted my entire morning with a visit to the medical doctor, who I never got to see and will never again (not because I'm having a fit: I know you assumed it) because the front desk bee-yotch won't take my husband's new insurance card...oh blah, blah, blah.

What really galled me is that because I walked in lookin' good, my Raybans and dressed very nicely, ETcetera, the first thing out of her mouth was:You're not still on Medicare,are you? I did not understand at first, I thought this was a genuine insurance question by a healthcare provider. So I said quickly, "Well, yes I am but you hardly ever use it" (they consider it a secondary, whereas I couldn't get services at the mental 'health' place without it! Huh, what a world.)

No, this was an out and out judgement on my person.

Only old people and truly fd-up looking individuals are on Medicare!

After being denied seeing my good ol' doctor one last time, I asked to sign a release form to get my records mailed to me and walked out.

Gee I hope you get some medical attention for those scratch marks, Be-yotch.

Doesn't her expression say so much?

I'm a princess, damn you, and I should be surrounded by flowers. And I am not leaving until I see the proofs. Hey, come back here with that camera. I said I am a princess! Are you about done? Look, I don't have to take this cr*p!!! I can just leave ya know. Just jump right off this stump!

Let me tell you, I am experiencing cat frustration. Whatever you are feeling in your life, I assure you mine is far more petty and ridiculous, don't be fooled. I am simultaneously trying to catch my previous cat (some very credible sitings have occurred but he is 'too wild' to catch. Ay-yi-yi!) while trying to convince the darn Siamese Rescue people that I should get the cat I want. Of course, I have found a fantastic one and I have been in pursuit of him for weeks. I don't think I can jump through one more hoop. I am just drained from this entire heinous experience.

So, regardless, I am still without cat. My petty closure is denied.

This is where I got married on March 26 last year

The Grove, outside of Las Vegas, Nevada

Yes, indeed and wouldn't you know it, it was a stunningly beautiful day, it really was the the perfect time of year and in the mountains. The whole thing went off beautifully. We had all of of our relatives there and an aunt on each side gave a reading which was so special. The reception was a blast, everything from the music to the cake, the photography, yeah even a video, it really was the stuff memories are made of.

We honeymooned at Caesar's Palace and we saw Celine Dion (and Elton John in the audience) the next day. We played slots and sometimes won. In short it was a dream and it makes me cry to remember how absolutely beautiful and dreamlike it was. Its what we all deserve. A truly beautiful day.

Life hasn't always been rosy for the Tart, and I kick myself just the littlest bit for needing to say that. Someone's going to get on here and think, "My God, her life's been all roses just so lovely and sickening." Well, it has been that but really in reality. So much good and and the parts that weren't, basically for me I speak of being sick and being in the hospital, really are sickening. Tart earned and earns every day, her trip to paradise in the desert.

Wanna know what I'm doing this year? Cleaning, doing laundry, doing finding the cat activities, and taking medicine, three times a day, just like I do every day...

Oh, and...

Pinky: What are we doing today, Brain?

Brain: The same thing we do everyday Pinky...we're taking over the world!

PS. And just to make it even more sickening, I married a really good guy and I would fly out to a different time zone, put on binding corset-like underwear and a big fluffy thing on my head and do it all over again! I love you, Honey!!!!! Happy Anniversary! Let's keep on with this crazy little thing called Love! :)

What nicely painted back end!

picture taken at my local mall

Talk about 'stealing' a picture, I literally spotted this in a mall parking lot and thought, "Oh, no, that's too cool!" and got out of the car to take a picture (car was not moving yet. Sheesh!). My husband said something to the effect of me being crazy, to which I replied, "And you know I have the papers to prove it!" :)

Now who among us would not take a picture of their actual blog moniker? I certainly never thought it could happen to me!

building supplies, anyone?

Someday, the flowers will return...

Our last discussion of the weather and the 'supposed' imminence of Spring made me think that folks wouldn't mind seeing more flowers!

While I do not understand the workings of our illustrious blogger picture maker, I love to test it each and every day. A day without pictures is a solid rant from the Tart, so beware that she didn't take the time to bring you all the beauty that Webshots and her personal photo stash could bring, as that means I was feeling so wretched I couldn't even put up a picture. Or there wasn't one in my vast archive to conjure the moment. (This may be my one obligatory moment to admit that so many of my lovely pics are from Webshots. And you can go there for free. End of unintentional product endorsement.)

Anyway, all out props to Mark, Lord of the Idiots, because he reminds me of the joy of blogging. When I go to his site it makes me laugh, sometimes he will put a picture and that's all that's necessary, in short, it is a great example of the joy of blogging.

I think its really great to think outside the box and bring the loves of your life into your blog, and do it without causing security breaches. If something makes you happy, like posting random pictures of flowers and stuff, what can it hurt? I'd put more up but I think it overloads the system, plus I'm montrously tired almost to the point where I can't see straight (the meds kicked in), and I gotta save some for next time, ya know!

Oh, that teeny tiny picture:Shenandoah Mountains.

Happy Friday, Everyone!

Bring back Spring!

The truth is I don't care about the weather. In my neck of the woods, which is a joke, because any woods that might be around are promptly turned into a Walmart or a bank or some kind of solid pavement, anyhow I swear we have nothing but 9 months of winter (Sept.- March), 3 days of loveliness, known as Spring, and the rest of the days we are relegated to the depths of hellish heat, also known as Summer.

I often bitch about how far too long winter is, to almost everyone and anyone, and I get no response. I guess it doesn't occur to them. Honestly, isn't that what you talk to people you don't know about, mere aquantainces: the weather. Perhaps some normie should throw me a bone here, as I thought they liked to talk about nothing but impending moves of the next season, and so on, yawn. I assure you with unequivocal suffering of my oft-mentioned mood disorder, I have SAD as well. (Which does sound funny doesn't it?) I was not born in this hell-hole, oops, I mean area, and frankly I'm ready to leave. I wanna go back West. But I digress...

Someday, Spring will return. I hope for you it will be longer than the three days I will get. :)

Hyper. And pretty darn awake.

Northern Lights, Boreal Forest, Canada

I am so hyper this evening. Yeah, its pretty much cat related. :) I'm not 'allowed' to stay on long by my very sweet Husband (he really is a good guy), cause its late. He is not a bad guy, just a tired guy and I think he worries about me. I know I'll go to bed when the night meds kick in and not one minute sooner!

So anyhow, doesn't the Northern Lights kick in near Vernal Equinox, (aka Spring is finally here day)? Hence, the picture, besides I think it captures that hyper feeling. Goodnight all!

You know what this site needs to banish all evil. Yup, that's right PANDAS!

I have accrued a lifetime supply of panda pictures and I will now purge my system of them. This will surely take away all evil. This was perfomed with baby seals in the past.

Interesting. After repeated attempts blogger's picture thing can only handle two pictures of pandas. This is a sure sign of how difficult it is to purge my page of its computer wrongs and bring back peace with that which is adorable and cute.

Don't forget to read my more 'serious' post below.

Enjoy world! You've been panda-ized!!!

I may be a sick woman...

...but I am already trying again.

I don't not know what is wrong with me, I have some unexplainable need to have a cat in my household. I am not the 'cat lady,' I don't need more than one, but I have to have that one, and I have already started the search for the 'next' one. Ay-yi-yi, I know Everyone must think, but you haven't waited a decent amount of time for the other one to come back/be found.

Here's what I think. I think its sane thinking and so I believe explaining will ease everyone's mind. I believe that if Sam is caught and returned it won't happen for a good month or more. I think I have done everything to try to get him back besides putting a flyer WITH MY TELEPHONE number for any nut/crackhead/weirdo to call at will, which I have significant problems doing, but HAVE considered it strongly. For instance, I called my vet, the county animal control and a whole bunch of local vets the very morning after he split. We have a great flyer in which we offer a reward and describe the little guy, which I would like to get out to all the vets and and at least one person who I know feeds feral cats. We actually put food and water outside our back door, something we never did before, knowing we might be feeding anybody, but hoping it might be him. OH, and I registered his microchip: it is now nationwide AND I wrote the microchip people to tell them that he is on the loose this very moment (I don't know if they care, but it makes me feel better). I've paid good money to register him, after the fact of his disappearance, and we are willing to pay good money as reward for his return, so its not about money because money to me is a means to get what you want. I never have much anyway, so if it ever gives you joy, well that's the best part. Anyhow, perhaps most importantly, if you had seen how fast he ran, and how he was not afraid of the outdoors and didn't want back in like my other cats had been, this guy seem Happy in the Wild Blue Yonder, well then we couldn't help thinking that even if caught, he just might not like it being with us.

Understand I want him back, and I would take him back and treat him so well, just like when we got him, probably try to love him up more. And I would wait to see how he does and I would be super careful everytime opening the door. But if we were so lucky to have gotten a cat already, and hopefully this time we'll find one that can handle us, I say that one stays and Mr. Sam might find himself back at the shelter. Yes, I am being honest and I said all of this when applying for another cat I found. Which is precisely why I think they're going to say no. They won't understand that I am Ms. Cat, that I would never return a furbaby for frivilous reasons. But they may not hear that. All I can think of, is telling them to call my Vet, because they KNOW who I am, and how I am.

Okay, Everyone says, we understand you just want a cat AND that you've done everything possible to get the last one back, but why, Why Tart must you start looking and applying for a new one just days after his disappearance?

I guess I can't help looking again. Notice, I no longer felt the need to look once I had found Sam. I was happy, he satiated all need, and I Enjoyed him. I really liked the little guy. But he's gone. Bolted. With no collar. If he ALLOWs someone to pick him up he would have to be taken to a vet that suspected he was chipped and only then would we hit pay dirt. So you see, I started looking not because I don't love him, but because he's gone and not likely to show up any time soon. And I found something interesting, and me being me, got me excited all over again.

So today is a weird day where I have no appetite. I am not manic but there is a kind of excitement in my belly. At first it was because I inquired about some cats off some Pennsylvania site last night. Still haven't got a response which was bumming me out. Then I discovered a beauty on my Siamese cat site that I am approved on. It's like having credit to adopt a cat, because I've been approved and keep checking but not found the right one yet. Hmmmm...today I found something interesting and wrote his foster meowmy, as they call themselves, and she wrote me back right away and he is sounds very scrumptious and I am sure that I am in line for him, as he still needs to be taken to the vet and go through a kind of 'quarantine' period. He is not a door dasher apparently, he is long and lovely and vocal and I am kind of like a woman who has had a miscarriage. Maybe I'll keep it more to myself this time and not tell everyone and send the pictures out till we're really sure if this one's a keeper. But once again, I am so excited.

Oh, yes, I am a sick woman! Hee hee!

One Woman's Journey: Oops?!? (understatement)

One Woman's Journey: Oops?!? (understatement)

Just in case you didn't see my site one crazy evening, Enigma took a snapshot. You rule Enigma!

Welcome to blogger hell

If you are seeing this, perhaps some normalcy has returned to my site. Sometimes it looks okay, other times posts are in the wrong place, my template is gone (everything is on a white page), posts just show willy nilly, and my profile, links, past posts are all at the bottom. After seeing a completely different person's profile and sidebar on my site last night, with no amount of 'refreshing' making it go away, I guess this is not as bad?

It just seems like all Hell has broke loose.

Really I don't need this. A properly maintained bipolar's life has continuity and a feeling of grounding/a foundation. I know this because these are precisely the things that go out the window when I'm not well, or really, really sick. It's the small things that can drive you mad, they roll slowly and then they are finally so big they literally crush you. No, I'm definitely not losing it over this crap. But it is damn annoying.

Thank you to all the folks who left comments recently, some are new (Hey!)and I really appreciate the support. I don't wanna be a drama queen. I want to put my nice pictures up and go on with things, so please don't mistake my 3 posts on the same subject so far as meaning to go in that direction. Maybe I just like to bitch. Plus, what a great chance to put up this wicked picture! :) Have a good day all!

Dear Blogger: Please don't screw up my site again!

Whew! I feel as though I am recovering from a storm.

I have secured some hatches in an attempt to feel more secure about the blog and it has made me feel better.

I do accept that this has been a bizarre flip-up with Blogger. I think many of us were affected with things going on in our individual sites. Really, that makes more sense that Blogger superimposed another's information on my site since I can't imagine who else would have that power, and I never wanted to sound personal to that other individual especially if he was innocent, I was just completely freaked because I just did not know how that was possible, I didn't know how to get my site back, and like I said I wanted my site back.

Blogger has not personally answered my terror pleas as of yet. I don't know if they will. Maybe they know our links to one another are such that we soothe each other and they perhaps don't think they have to or maybe too many people were affected.

All, I can say is Please Blogger, Don't Do That Again! My heart may not be able to stand it next time.

My site STILL rocks and you can't take that away

As of this point, I do not have a sideboard. I'm hanging it up for now, with great hopes that things will be well in the morning.

Being who I am, I am more likely to think that someone *did* this to me, than to think it was some computer glitch. It angers me to be messed with. Did someone 'know' that and hope I would bitch about it, getting the 'idiot or mean person' high?

This blogging thing is about being truthful. I said it from the very beginning, its a place to express me. Honestly, the way it feels to me, and I am ALL about feeling (shock, gasp, surprise) is that somebody wanted a piece of me. It immediately felt like someone liked my stuff, because that wasn't gone, but it was like some strangoid had put their mark on my site, to make some bizarre statement, just to irritate me. Which it did, sending me flying to figure out what to do.

I could be wrong. Perhaps the computer (Blogger) flipped out and did it. I guess that's my disclaimer for being 'paranoid' but truly I stick to my gut feelings.

Ahh, so should I rant about this supposed rotten person. I don't think I need to. I'm righteously pissed and I think any other blogger would skewer that person as well. Like I said, I'm a lil bit Christian this evening as I just want my blog back. I'll ban anyone who messes with it.

Big compliment when someone elses blog sucks so bad they have to put their name on somebody else's? Probably. So sad for the person who is not awesome me. I know it is hard for many. I don't have big designs for world blogger domination: I don't even put myself on the bipolar ring because I am still in shock and disbelief that I have a couple of true loyal 'fans' that check up on me and give me awesome advice and encouragement. That's bound to be again just too much for lowlifes who don't possess that kind of self confidence. Yes, I rock and I am okay with it. If a person were jealous of that I would say, 'Find out what rocks about you, and STAY OFF MY SITE.' I'm tired and not pulling any punches.

Enigma deserves props for PROMPTLY answering my calls of help - as in, it makes a person feel good to have someone watch their back and immediately be there. She has really worked with me, even 'after-hours' so to speak to try to fix things. I am a lucky greenie. Thank you very, very much Enigma.

If a person did this they messed with a person with a mental illness. How cool is that? At the moment, I'll wait to talk about how screwing with a person's main source of therapy is evil. Message to the jerkoff: I may be mentally ill but my site is better than yours, and I'm still better than you.

Love and peace to the rest of you. :)

I Want MY Blog Back

Unbelievably some *person* has put someone elses profile, links, etc. and obliterated my sidebar. I cannot see how any blogger would do this to another since none would like this to be done to them.
I am sure there is recourse, and it will be taken care of.

You know, if someone related to my post they could leave a comment. This is a cruel joke all the way around. I just want my blog back. Apparently this is a fun thing to do for idiots and truly mean people.

right on. pass me the gun.

I don't know if I can say this stuff on blog. Never written anything this honest. So if that's a trigger, darlin' you've been warned.

I don't know how moms do it.

We have all heard that before, but I mean it, in my life I don't know how They do it and it seems clear to me that I could never do it.

And that hurts.

For me to have a child, I would have to get off my meds, the two main ones, Lithium and Depakote are known teratogens: as in brain and heart deformities are very very very possible. If I go without it, I risk psychosis.

Yeah, could adopt. Why give a mentally person a kid? Wanted to have my own. Probably would have too, already. The first time it even occurred to me that I 'should'n't' have kids was when I asked my MIL about it, never expecting her to say I probably shouldn't. She asked if it would be fair to put my family through that?

Whoa. My mom and dad have gently said maybe it wouldn't be a good idea. But after MIL I started to really grieve, it made it so real.

The pug is the first puppy I've had. I know it sounds silly but she was sooooo much work, and I did have sleep deprivation, I worried about her if I even took a shower. Of course she's a lot less work now, except I worry about her running out the front door, like she did when she was a pup and scared us to death running in circles in the front yard and street. yes, this is the obvious comparison of pet to child. Can I seem more of a childish, sloppy, non-grown up to simply be put up with? Cause that's how it feels like most people treat me. In fact, I have intelligence that wipes most people away and I resent being looked down on by idiots.

Again there are normies who don't have kids. It is a choice really, and I see mostly jealousy from those looking in. I hear how satisfying wonderful the reason for living etc. is it. I see and hear the contempt when I say no I don't have children.

I do have a montrous illness. How is that for something to read up on, feel pain, and something for us to share on endless chats, coffee breaks, and bumper stickers. I am so clueless about it in understanding it. I take all this stuff, the meds, I continue. I did say to my husband, you know it would be cheaper if I shot myself in the head now. I'm thinking a shell is what, under $2, the funeral might seem expensive but after that you didn't have to feed me for years, pay for meds, or deal with retirement. Don't worry. I don't own a gun. Honest. And gosh, I'm just too much of a fighter to do that right?

I said before that I grieve, because I just don't see myself with this montrousity. I grieve for what it is ripped away from me: the same normal as everyone else. And the Rotten Anger is positively draining. I'm tired of it honestly. I try to keep to myself. I know everybody has 'stuff' everybody has problems and issues. Could it be that mine really are too much to bear? Could it be that I really am a sack of shit? I don't want to 'give', 'contribute' any frikin more. I've made more contributions than most. I made a couple people really happy (my parents and my husband, for surviving something that should have already killed me). I got a damn degree. I have a damn job. I pay SS while living off SS. What the hell more could society and the government want? If I went on Oprah I could emasculate myself in front of nation, I don't think I could go much farther. There is no way to stop this rant. I don't say it for 'no don't do that' or the 'yeah, I've got it bad, too, buck up, crap' I don't want any response. I calmly state that this sucks. I can't begin to count the number of people I may have just offended. Damn it, I'm tired of being offended. Where's my PC squad to make the world a better place for me? Who's protecting me from what's offensive. When they lock us up aren't they protecting everyone else from us? Cause they sure don't do shit for us on the inside.
Now you know what its Really like to live with me.

YOU are my therapist.

Hey, muchas thanks folks, for all your kind words about the cat. I really appreciate your comments.:)

I am a ragin' cagin' angry beast right now. I think it is the evil combination of menstrual hate + meds not right. And being mistreated by my damn local CSB - you know the kind that treats us all like Crazy Sons of Bitches. Or as Dave Chappelle would say, Coked up Sick Biiiitches! Anyhow...

They just enrage me. Been going there for 11 years, and I'm starting to believe my friend's conspiracy theories since despite any new secretary they might get, for instance, they are instantly as condescending as the rest and they also do everything to thwart your mental health, despite the fact that that's precisely what they are supposed to be helping. So I complained. I find that voicemail is the only time that you can truly be given the time to say what you need to say, because when talking to their humans you are bullied, cut off, spoken over or outright hung up on. PLEASE, tell me that this is because this is yet another ill run county program and NOT indicative of any psychiatric contact I'm going to have again. I have been so stupid to stay with these people (until now, they have utterly fed me up. I'm ready to leave that Mickey Mouse outfit (and yes I told them this and so much more)) after getting married, because I now pay extra to be abused. They charge me way more for the same old crap but will only accept the old insurance. @#%%&^&!!!!

Oh and there is the issue of UT (useless therapist, if you'll remember). I see no more reason to pay extra so I can try to speak so fast (like I WAS manic) to cram in the last 3 months of my life in 45 minutes only to hear her say, "Well, you seem to be doing well, lets make your next appointment for..." #^&%* I am just so p*ssed.

Anger is not really socially acceptable in a woman. It makes people uncomfortable. It is not attractive. Well, not unless tempered, I guess, and then its just not rage now is it. I am just boiling and tired of being messed with.

I took the day off today. Left message on boss's voicemail that I had some family things to attend to and I plan to be in tomorrow. (I have to put that last part in or they get scared I'm taking the rest of the week off due to some unnamed insanity). I had spent the morning calling local vets to alert them to Mr. Sam in case someone brought him in or saw him and we're making a flyer to put all over the place. I keep having dreams that he will return. Well, I would since "family things" meant me sleeping a couple of hours and babysitting the puppy (which is sooooo fun!). It is so obvious I need some kind of exercise. I think I'll just sleep some frikin' more. I've only eaten a boiled egg today, because food doesn't seem interesting. Yeah, I'd like to just drop out of existence. All human contact irritates me, even if it means well, and in the case of the CSB is enrages me as they oooooh soo don't mean well.

The most rotten part of it is how they make me feel so bad about myself like I'm just some nothing and deserve to be treated badly. And THAT makes me really mad, cause that lasts for the time I talk to them and a small aftermath, all the while I know they're wrong and cannot believe I'm being treated this way. I try to bring up to them that they would NEVER talk to anyone else like that and no one would accept a real doctor or nurse speaking that way. But like I stated, I think they can't stand for someone to speak coherently to them and tell them exactly why they are a**holes and they literally cut me off.

Yeah, they deal with 'nut cases' all day, secretaries in GENERAL deal with annoying people and you either know to keep a check on it or you get out. I've been a secretary myself, and there's just NO EXCUSE for it.

You know at this point, I would much rather type into this than talk to UT. Useless is useless, what more is there to say?

---------------------------------------

I took down the pictures of Sam because he ran away. I really don't want to have to look at them, because it hurts too much.

I guess I have really fantastic luck with cats, huh?

I hope my dog is safe.

The reconstituted Jungle!!!

Top: The Sam-ster and Emma checking out Paddy

Below: Emma and Paddy!

It would sound quite cerebral if I said my Mom named Miss Paddy cause its so close to St. Patrick's Day, but that is not the case. Mom just likes the name, and the pads on the feet, and really has no explanation for this choice. Regardless, she is just a CU-TIE! And yes, Emma is still receiving her proper lovin's and then some for being such a good "friend" to the new girl. I have photos and some very amateur digital camera video, but I did not want to overload the viewing public. We all love this picture and will eventually get it as hardcopy. For all of you, here's a fantastic pic of our two lovely pugs.

Oh, and for those wondering about Sam, I think I'll put another photo up. He sniffed the wee one and hissed, and ran off. Our theory: She looks like a very plump and very active rat and it freaks him out. We think she is perfectly safe, but that things will be much better when she's bigger and looks more like a dog. It's obvious Sam has had no previous experience with small roly-poly pug puppies/possible rat-like creatures. Too big to eat, too small to not feel superior too. I understand.

It is a joyful experience. Puppies are pure love, and how lucky are we that so far jealousy has been kept mostly at bay? Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to leave for work now. I guess you can imagine how much I'm forward to going to that!

Introducing....Paddy-pug!!!!

The most amazing thing has happened to us. Paddy-pug is HERE!
My God, people, she is A-dor-able, even cuter than in this picture, where she is only 2 or 3 weeks old. Now 8 weeks old, she is a bit of a butterball in terms of what you'd expect, as my Emma was a whole lot smaller at that point. We put her on the floor and let Emma take a look and they got along very well. I was beside myself. She is just the cutest thing. I took pictures and even a couple tiny videos with my neato digital camera, all of which need to be uploaded and you can be sure I'll get them up here.

Paddy is my Mom's pug. Eventually, I think she'll be a little travelin' girl as Mom plans to tootle around in her RV.

The jungle is complete. I may have to quit my job just to bask in the love. :)

The un-nameable post. It might have been the Smirnoff...I hope you like.

Perhaps a little something has taken over me. But I think something important needs to be said.

While I firmly and sadly am sickened more and more of what I see wrong with this world, yes, even something more horribly obvious than the stuff that smacks us in the face on the news on tv, in the paper, on the internet, and am for some weird reason understanding more of what is means to be 'of the world' and wanting none of it....

I see something that deserves being pointed out. Something in fact, that almost crosses out all rants and fears that we may literally be going to hell in a handbasket.

And that is the human soul. The resilience,the power that I see in the daily adversity that people put up with and overcome.

Dear Reader, I am just amazed and I hope to share that amazement for even a moment, as I think of the different people I do come in contact with, bloggers and real life folks who get slammed with things, maybe even get fully knocked down, or maybe its a small wave and they just kind of feel it, and just keep on truckin'.

Its something we feel most when things have been hard and it is obvious that we rock for having gotten over it. And for those of us with messed up emotions, when an intrinsic part of us bubbles sometimes at will, I would like to point how marvelous it is we still continue to fight the good fight.

We take that for granted. And that's perfectly normal, we are consumed with our lives and all that goes on. But it is apparent to me that if you are still breathing then you have won one the greatest victories of life, that, honey, you don't give up. You're like that terrier who can be lifted off the floor but damn it, you are not letting go of that toy. Who can not deny this? Whoever really thinks that the crap that they go through is of no importance - no, we each individually feel that our life has been slammed. (Interesting, isn't it?) Then you know. You are a champion. I have a special clause in my site. Only champions need apply or even take a look at this blog. (Oh, and the mean and ugly can go to hell. End of story.)

I had no desire to watch the Olympics. Yeah, call me some kind of nonsportnut or non patriotic, but I had no desire to deify the athletic achievement of people that I see basically as lucky individuals who got really into their sport or body.

The fanatiscm of it, just depresses further the part of me that is pissed that we don't deify the rich in spirit, the ones that fight daily uphill battles so hard,(it is so real for all of us!) while the "body-affixed" public says its all in our heads or at least ignores us and awards that which they can see. Give those folks a medal for following their regimen and doing things that modern medicine or science has pretty much laid out for them.

Many times bipolars and the mentally ill are on their own. We get smarter, make blogs and help each other, but there are so many who don't even know what they have and don't have resources to find out. Not to mention that for so many, they are not getting the love they need to survive, understand themselves, get help or even believe that they need or could get help.

My mother has said something to me that almost always makes me cry. She says,"____, you are a champion."

She means that no matter what happens to me, no matter what comes or has came in the past, I always kept going, I always continue. My dears, you may have no complete idea of all the things she is talking about, mostly of course about my illness. Yes, I'm montrously lucky to have my dear Mom say that to me, but...

In case no one has told YOU that, consider it done.

To all the true of heart that I am honored to know.

Turn it LOOSE...

I have a wonderful friend, who has the schizophrenic diagnoses, that has such an interesting outlook on life. I go to visit him at his Section 8 apartment, where he lives a very unassuming life on SS and Medicare and goes to a day program in our county, which is where we became friends ten years ago. I left the day-program to return to school and eventually work part-time (because, ya know, that's the goal of every college, like, student) Anyhow, we agree wholeheartedly that the sad pittance that poses as therapy from our county services board, is well, just that, ridiculous and in some cases, things happen there that ought to get those fat-assed receptionist (*&(&*'s fired.

No there's no sexual relationship here, yeah he is a guy, he's a great friend and listener that lets me vent even more than I ever would here and makes life so much better for my husband so he doesn't have to hear it (and yes, my husband has thanked him for this 'service,' no one hides shit here.)

I NEVER talk about my true feelings about politics except to those super duper close to me. I work at a newspaper. I read things that make me fume all the time and believe me, nobody there wants to hear it. Besides putting in obituaries every day, I am the lucky typist that puts the non-email letters to the editor (a.k.a. opinion letters) into the system. Some of them make me want to cheer, some of them I remind myself of my normally abiding belief that only a very small percentage of people actually write in to the paper, (could it be the 'lunatic fringe' of 'either' side (why is there one or the other side)?) I have to hold any and all of it in. Sometimes I am successful. Well, almost entirely successful at work. So I guess it makes sense that it spills out later. Or maybe I'm finally growing up and developing that thick skin that everyone insists you're supposed to have. Fuck the thick skin. The people that have that are people that I pretty much want nothin' to do with, and I'll thank you very much not to touch or evaluate mine.

Anyhow, my friend is high functioning and maybe its just me but I think he does a marvelous job of hiding his illness. In other words, you would never guess that he is literally tortured on a day to day basis by his demons. It sounds 'nutty' to me not in the sense that I would skewer a normie for saying that, but that it amazes me that one mental illness can vary so from one another, as in I don't relate to his Particular Type of torture but I DO in fact relate as I too am tortured in my own way. And we can talk endlessly about my illness, his illness, illness, the crappy way normies are, politics, (isn't that the natural order of things?) and my big question of last evening:

Since things are so frikin' bad in this country, why the heck don't people rise up and say something? There are soo many things. The apathy alone galls me. We accept apathy in teenagers, it should not in fact, be a national obsession.

Why, for instance, doesn't a non-celebrity bipolar, AND fascinating individual (ok, lets say like myself) go on Oprah and says, "Oprah, I'm sorry, he's gorgeous and we're glad his junk works (Katie Holmes) but Tom Cruise did a great big disservice speaking to millions of stay at home moms and the world (viewing audience: millions) and telling them that ALL psychiatric drugs are unacceptable, unnecessary, and don't you ever touch those evil things. Or whatever he specifically said, but that is the upshot as I see it.

"Oprah, I would not be Alive, I would not be the person I am today, as in even cognizant with the balls to stand up and speak my truth, if it weren't for those 'pesky' psychotropic drugs. (pesky, yup that is sarcasm and lightener of the moment) I would be cowering in the corner of a crazy room, lost in la'la land, my parents pulling their hair out their heads in grief, if IT WERE NOT FOR PSYCHOTROPIC MEDICATION."

I know this is true to core of my being.

Why the hell are people so damn apathetic about every aspect of life? We don't even stand up for ourselves. Do we just know that what he said was so ridiculous that it doesn't deserve a response? Where the hell was NAMI or somebody that is supposed to give a damn? The thing is I'm pretty certain that there are definitely 'normies' (well, L. Ron Hubbardites call themselves normal, but I am not convinced.) that thought, hunh, I wonder if he's got a point there, or gee I was right to let my self suffer and not seek help. I'm just a slob that won't exercise or take vitamins so I deserve this lot in life. Way to weed out some of those pesky fans/stalkers, let em commit suicide and not even have a clue what is going on. How the hell did he get away with it?

Guess who won't be watching his cheesy W or the Wlds movie? Guess who hated 'Vanilla Sky' because I could not handle the psychotic qualities? Oh, and while we're at it, I love nearly every Jim Carrey movie, but I HATE The Truman Show for its psychotic qualities. I wanted to walk right out of the theater. just put my hands over my ears, close my eyes and go lalalalalalalalla.

Yeah, well this was meant to talk about my friend, and seems to have turned into one of my 'friend approved' rants. What I mean is I sometimes put out there to him what I'm thinking about stuff and see if what kind of response I get from him. I think he sometimes stares at me in disbelief like how the hell could anyone get so passionate about this stuff. But he NEVER tells me when my next appointment is or hands me a bill.

I am a lucky friend.

A Trio of Japanese Gardens

I find these so soothing. Thank God for pictures.

Thank you

I was finally able to make links to all my favorite peeps due to the true genorosity of the blog community. This was a real victory for me. I openly admit to being a greenie, actually I probably cling to it for an explanation for the stupid things I do, and I thank those who readily offer help for my blog questions. I'm sure they'll be more in the future.

There's no doubt that we can be influenced by other blogs. I am inspired by the joy of one of Mysti's posts (a place to journal), just the love of life. These swans are for you.

Introspection

Coral Cave, Fiji


I do not know if this is a 'rare' day or indicative of days to come. I don't know if I will be a raging angry individual by the end of this day. But right now, at what for me is an early hour, I feel good.

Of course, I feel guilty for it. Whenever, I feel good I become acutely aware of either the suffering of others or somehow others do their darndest to make me acutely aware of their suffering. And I think, 'why the heck should I be happy?' Which, if I sense that someone is actually trying to make me feel that way, pisses me off, and then I guess they won, cause then I'm not quite so happy.

Knowing that I have the kitty cheers me up immeasurably. And living in mostly 'unjangled' circumstances certainly must help. I don't know what consists of happy, what makes it stay. Is it because I've taken my meds mostly right the past few days? I am a good ranter when I'm angry, truly my best or most revealing writing takes place during this time. In general, I like to post lots of pictures because they are fun and there's nothing wrong with focusing on fun. Sometimes the littlest thing that can bring a smile to my face helps me hang on and help me be a little happier.

The people that I see as consistently happy (or the ones I really enjoy knowing) are at the same time, very responsible people. Since they know from day to day that their moods are consistent that is probably something they never consider and they are able to pile on the responsibilities. But life craps on the 'happy' or perhaps I mean those in control of their emotions, as well as the rest of us.

So I guess I mean I feel good. Right now. Knowing that evil will return at some point. I will 'lose it' again, however big or small. So, enjoy it Tart. Isn't that one of the saddest aspects of our illness? Besides the complete unfairness of it in the first place, which I AM NOT OVER.

After a ton of time talking to 'useless therapist' meaning a good year of some consistent themes we were able to determine that I am in mourning over my mental health. As in I am experiencing actual grief that I am not normal. Still trying to accept it, still monstrously angry about it and not seeming too close to acceptance. Ok, if I was diagnosed yesterday that might be explainable even understandable. I was diagnosed at age 16, yes, check my profile (I need some hits anyway) I am way past that age now. I don't know if its because I've been too damn busy to deal with my 'issues' or what, maybe I have purposely made myself too busy, I don't know. But occasionally UT helps me realize important stuff like that but gives me no tools as to how to deal with it. Again, left on my own with that. But gosh, I must be doing a pretty good job with it, cause...

I feel good today.

Because its cute...

...and not meant to be sacreligious.

Day 4 of not smoking is going according to plan, as in I'm still not smoking. I move the patch around and today it is smack on my right thigh. I know the world waits breathlessly for this information.

I am getting personalized plates. Of course, I cannot say what they are, but I am Super Excited (and no, that's not a hint, I really am super excited). Tart got a ticket for speeding the other day, and while Mr. Cop did not cite her for expired tags, which were much more of a shock to me than being caught for speeding, he mentioned it. My husband usually notices other people's tags, heck I don't pay attention and I was shocked he didn't see it. Or that the letter from DMV was not more obvious to me concerning renewal. Anyhow, in the course of getting me up to date and legal in that respect, I am getting personalized plates. Yeah!

The quintencential JungleTart

And so this will be me. A true JungleTart.

What a pain 'Hello' is. I still can't figure it out. Hello, what a pain in the arse. I am circumventing it by putting a pic on the site and stealing my own url. Damn it, that's makin' me feel smart!

I'm so glad she won.

Being the movie/persona junkie that I am, it is only fitting that Tart congratulate her favorite, Reese Witherspoon for winning Best Actress this evening for 'Walk the Line.' I really wanted her to win.
She gave a very poised speech and it was obvious how much pressure they were all under to say whatever quick and get off the stage. She thanked all the right people, her family the most and made me like her even more, because she is genuine. Grace under pressure. Congratulations Reese!

He's lookin' at me, Man! Those gold eyes, I..I..can't take it!

Sam update: He got here yesterday and the Tart was right on about how great he is. He wants lovin's and he gently tries to get my attention. First he gets on the computer desk and stares directly at me. Then he very gently tries to get in my lap, all the while avoiding the keyboard - aaaamazing. Well, he has now jumped to ground but stayed in the vicinity, I don't know if to try again or...hey, he's checking out the round cat thing the shelter let us have (they were going to throw it out). And now he's looking out the window. Well, anyway, this free time of his, so to speak, is due to the fact that Emma is in the crate. We had to do this so he could explore without being harassed/eaten. The pug just wants to love up the kitty, but when kitty runs, well pug chases brown furry things that run, and we're just figuring out how to keep everyone safe and happy. Not easy to keep control of the Jungle, but we try....and its worth it. Although, my husband still hollers at the dog for following her 'natural instincts' concerning the cat, so that scares the cat, then I holler for him to stop it. It just seems to require sensitivity, understanding and agility (the pug is fast). :)
It seems so natural yet so neat to have a kitty back in the house.
Hey, is he just enjoying the view or is he plotting his escape...?
Welcome, Sam.

(Pictures forthcoming)

Just to be less contentious...

A nice picture, just to be less contentious (see below.) :)

Yeah, well as a bipolar that gets p*ssed easily, its probably a miracle I don't rant more. And I guess its just sad that I stay out of the issues of the day like nuclear proliferation in crazy-town/sovereign states and other stupidity. It's probably because I keep forgetting to take my blood pressure meds and a lady can only take so much, ya know? So I choose somewhat cute things to get all bent about.

Oh, Lisa Marie, how could you?

From NY Times: BUSINESS / YOUR MONEY | March 5, 2006
The King's Legacy, All Shook Up

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/05/business/yourmoney/05elvis.html?ex=1142226000&en=3536c6e9b5ff147a&ei=5070&emc=eta1
You'll have to copy and paste this in your browser

By JULIE BOSMAN
An entrepreneur paid more than $100 million for the rights to Elvis Presley's name. Can he coax green out of those blue suede shoes?

Tart's retort:
Now, understand that I am much more of Lisa Marie Presley's era than Elvis's, and my mama knows much more about his days than I do, but the fact that he felt the need for so much 'medication' AND peanut butter-bacon-banana sandwiches makes him feel vaguely dear to my heart, not to mention the music which is the Reason to love him tenderly. LM has sold 85% of Elvis Presley Enterprises to a Mr. Sillerman.

"Mr. Sillerman controls 85 percent of the company — Lisa Marie Presley, Elvis's daughter and sole heir, retains the remaining 15 percent — he now has power over Elvis's name and likeness as well as his house, its grounds and about 65 adjoining acres."

BUT, he don't own a lick of the music.

Sony does, and in one of the Colonel's bad moves, Elvis and the Col. did NOT get to keep the royalties. My Lord, LM could be a billionaire by now don't you think?

I do see what LM and Priscilla are doing. They know that they will not live forever and I know in their hearts they must want whats best. But this guy wants to "improve" things as in raze the Heartbreak Hotel across the street and put in a 400 room hotel, a new vistors center so people won't get killed walking across the street, AND a special wedding gazebo area as people were buying tickets and getting married right on the spot(how romantic, yet so unprofitable) despite that being unwanted. He's even thinking of licensing Elvis impersonators, only 'his' would be legal. So what are they going to do, take the unlicensed and make them perform 'Jailhouse Rock?' He wants to make money, money, money - godamn it, must they continue to rape Elvis?

He loved to do things in the middle of the night..hmmm...he seemed to have boundless energy, especially while performing (often considered the 'ultimate' high) and died from 'overmedication.' People do I have to say much more? I'm not trying to be scandalous, but selling his name just seems wrong to me. LM doesn't need the money, and the world doesn't need Elvis's person or likeness controlled by a money-grubbing entepreneur. And by the way, I don't think Courtney Love has ever admitted to the media that Kurt was indeed bipolar but I think 'Lithium' speaks for itself don't you, as well as other obvious factors. Well, regardless of Elvis's status in that area, this is just my opinion and I felt the need to say something. As a matter of fact I don't know exactly why it bothers me so much but I just feel protective. So there it is.

Meme of 5

(French vineyard, France. Because a picture a day keeps the blues away.)

Meme of 5
What were you doing 10 years ago?? I was recovering from being in a state hospital.

What were you doing 1 year ago? Getting ready to get married. (Mar. 26, 2005)A definite improvement.

5 snacks I enjoy - cheese, popcorn, Wheat Thins, apples, and meat in general. (How'd I get this big on snacks like that?!)

5 songs to which I know all the lyrics- Almost all Black Crowes songs, and 'Love Shack' by the B-52's (I'm still trying to convince my husband to karaoke this in public with me. Ha!)

5 things I would do if I were a millionaire- Buy a log cabin overlooking a lake and mountains and have somebody bring me my groceries if I didn't want to deal with traffic. Also, I would travel, definitely to at least Italy and China. Make it so my husband didn't have to work anymore and he could have fun with me (yeah, definitely multi-millionare status for me, please)

5 bad habits - sleeping way too long, getting mad and not knowing how to deal with it (so bipolar), sometimes saying way too much, slouching (not keeping my posture up), not keeping up with laundry.

5 things I like doing- typing, visiting with friends, lovin' up my animals, used to crochet/knit/x-stitch, blogging.

5 things I would never wear, buy or get new again - super high heels/stilletos/platform shoes, liquid makeup, acrylic nails at a salon, (wow, this one is hard for me. I can think of plenty of things I would buy!)

5 favorite toys- the computer, my animals, my clarinet, my People magazines, the television.

Here's the deal: remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom

[ i am gen ]
My Bipolar Life
Pax Nortona
Raine's Days
Adventures of a JungleTart

Then select 5 people to tag

OK, I tag Enigma and Mysti, and double tag Dr. Serani (I know that Raine tagged her once. Hey, sorry for any misunderstanding Dr.!) If Maggs ever comes here, she is tagged, too!
Warning: It takes forever to fill one of these things out.
Yes, I just discovered html tags. Good day, all!

I Quit!

....Smoking! I bought the patch and I am determined, so that is that. No more! I had my last cigarette and didn't think much about it, I didn't look lovingly at it, or say goodbye, didn't think about it excessively. I am just going back to thinking of myself as smoke free and a person who's got to think of something else to do when I get upset, feel angry, feel hungry. That's all.

Yeah and you thought it was my job. Well, I think the high that I am experiencing from getting the kitty is keeping things even there. I guess. I can't explain it. Maybe its knowing that I could quit the job-ola at any time, and my belief that life will get better when that happens. I have concerns about being home all the time and keeping my spirits up, not getting depressed and continue to make myself care. As me useless therapist says (in many ways it is freeing to refer to her that way)"it's not time to worry about that yet." So damn it, I'm not!

I Found My New Furry Little Guy!!

Meet Sam!
We pick him up on Saturday. He's a lovebug, purrs like crazy, and is pretty vocal. His coloring is amazing, almost like a tuxedo on his underbelly, but brown tabby all over. He has white under his nose and then brown on top of that. And he is declawed. He also has a crinkled ear. He's not as big as Myles my last cat, but hefty just the same, no fragile skinny mini. I took pics of him at our meeting and I can post those later. This one here is his shelter internet picture. Isn't the internet great?!I wouldn't have even known he's declawed (a big deal, since puggy eyes are vulnerable) if I hadn't emailed about a different one I saw on the site.
His name is Sam, but I think we should call him Buster Brown.
He's an entire county away from me, and I had to really book it out of work and battle heavy traffic to get there in time for their adoption/meeting hours. And he is worth it! I already have some great pictures, just gotta download them. He's my new guy!Yeah!!!!