Saturday, December 15, 2007

I am so bored!

The Black Crowes, the early days (OB-viously, because they still had (3rd fr. left) Jeff Cease (a-hole!) - oooh, for that matter (1st)Mark Ford (beloved but problematic druggie!) (2nd from left) Chris, you can eat, sleep, whatever at my house any day! I'm STILL so IN LOVE with him! s-wooon:)

God, it just sux when:

1) I'm having heated, hating times with myself these days. I can't explain how everything has gone to hell in a hand-basket, and I've realized that one of the utter conondrums of this illness is that sometimes you just gotta say: I can't explain it.
For once, experiencing these overwhelming feelings comes first before trying to be so damn introspective and figure out how to describe, explain, or hide/be more perfect in a nice way all for some (mostly undeserving) one else.

I gotta do what I gotta do, for me, because none of 'y'all' live with me, my therapist is useless (despite the many chances I've given her to be of some worth) and if my pdoc doesn't flat out give me a prn of some kind when I see him Monday, I may just check myself into that ridiculous pretense of a mental hospital, now behind our regular hospital.

(I'm thinking valium, but apparently they don't 'do' that anymore. They also don't 'do' Ativan anymore, which they utterly refused to give me when I was back in the hospital in '05. I was told it is as addictive as 'cocaine.' I took Ativan every single night for nearly 6 months in 1994-95, but they absolutely would not give it to me recently.)

I've come to throwing things. Husband hasn't discovered the several boxes I have thrown to and fro in my dining room and kitchen this morning. When my cat knocked down an enormous stack of stuff I printed in my office, I have not bothered to pick it up. I'd drop a match on this tinderbox, but I like my bed and having a place to sleep.

If you want a taste of bipolar, check out my 'Molly perfect' crap over on the other blog just days ago. Point is, the slide between emotions happens much quicker than most would imagine, and I know you all can imagine a lot. The swinging pendulum of joy & hate is but a simple and expected occurance with the ol bipolaroo.

I don't know how anybody else's bipolar, or life, is, but I have way to much passion in mine. What they need is a 'passion-o-meter' just like a blood-pressure cuff - pump that baby up, they would find that mine is Off the Charts and I need immediate long term coma-like medicating.

I feel too damn much. If we could just find a job that harnesses that I would be a billionaire. This is not about feeling sorry for myself or any of that crap. I'm saying 5 words that should be the mantra at the top of my blog, it ought to just be my entire blog: I feel too much. To the point that it hurts.

Sadly, I know people too 'emotive stupid' to even grasp that, how many times have I told you about them? The fact that they get minor problems in their life is not enough - I just want to shake them, maybe a slap or hit or too. The knowledge of their very existence adds too much to my hell.


It's crap, this Christmas spirit thing. Mostly it is pressure, pressure, pressure - and that's just in picking out gifts for people. We're poor and my husband has caviar taste. I like nice things, I like for our relatives to receive nice things but we have one income (I don't count my SSDI, as nobody else does here either) and honey, he's not an engineer (to his father's great chagrin).

We have not decorated, not one iota. No lights, not even a Christmas tree. It's not that I wouldn't like to love the season again (hello, first Christmas w/out Dad!) I'm just sad/mad, greiving, hating life and that doesn't stop just because it's Christmas! We haven't bothered - we're unconscioubly lazy, and I'm feeling no pain about not putting all that stuff up.

I was broken out of my hermit-like existence yesterday, to find my neighbors from across the street standing on my porch, asking me if I had seen anything, because someone stole their enormous snow globe thing right out of their yard. !

These people have shown the most 'spirit' in our neighborhood, in terms of really lighting up their house, having several nice ornaments in the yard and now some bastard stole one of them. (Thank God I haven't bothered to put anything in my yard!)

That, and the fact that my cat escaped for 2 seconds which I freaked out over, and he dutifully went back in. It took me pretty much the whole day to get over all of it.

I didn't realize I was a 'hermit' until I asked Husband (he's like the only human that comes into my moseleum here) and he confirmed it sheepishly.

I might as well be Islamic (cause they keep their women indoors & jobless - which is pretty much my life. Maybe I can get points for both my Christian and Islamic side?) Except that I like driving myself. The dress code would be handy, as I don't wash my hair for daaays (hello, get a scarf collection & a couple of potato sacks and I'm set!!).

Oh, and recently I sincerely thought about stop eating pork products. Not because of religious reasons, I just really like pigs. They're so cute! (Hello! Babe in the City! Charlotte's Web! The County Fair!) They seem like good mothers, just laying there while 15 adorable piglets suckle off them.

I'm not into hating Jewish people though, and you're kidding yourself if you think Islamics don't. Hate. Haven't God's people been through enough?

I have ordered some beautiful cards from Hallmark and for the first time ever I'm having each imprinted, which I can't get over how neat or fufu that seems to me. Then I ordered my magnets - surprise, surprise, surprise: they've got my cat on them, and pithy saying, just so people understand that he is representing us this year.

That's because Husband & I never had a decent picture of us taken this year, except when we entered an amusement park, and bought the image of our fat selves on a key chain. A little hard to download to these sites for the magnets.

My cat is the prettiest one of us, and all the relatives know our dog because we drive 15 hours so we can bring her when we go see them. It's time they meet Fangface.

Plus, neither Husband or I felt like gussying up (in my case taking a shower) to snap a quickie on the digital camera. So Husband thinks my choice of cat magnet is cool. Damn right it is.

2) reason why life sux:

When the 3-4 I check up on every day don't write anything new for a month. Don't get mad that I mentioned it. After all, I'm a hermit and have no concept of jobs, schedules, other people's stress and their inability to realize this lack of writing is adding to my boredness even more, or apparently how much of a crime that is. So Get on it!


Raine said...

they give me all the ativan I want- dont know what your doctors problem is. So what if it is addictive? If it gives you better quality of life who gives a rats ass. I have a big assed bottle of it with refills.I cant take it every single day of my life twice day and even double that if I want to. I dont. Some times I have. Sometimes I go weeks and dont touch it. Other times I will take double doses for a few days. I'm not addicted. And even if I was - who the hell cares? If it made me more functional then who cares? Its not like I am gonna be out on the street hooking it for ativan.If it could get me back to work then I say lets get addicted!!! Unfortunately it doesnt get me back to work but it helps sometimes and those are the times I take it. If I dont need it , I dont take it.

'Tart said...

The mental hospital I was at was a substandard joke. They would deny me basic care if they could get away with it. I'm not surprised the rest of the country gets 'real' drugs and they were just playin' with us.

They're not the only one who won't give me that, though. I went into my pdoc this morning and said, "I expect a refund, as you are 25 minutes late. Since we have 5 minutes til your next person, you can write me a prescrip for a prn, and we'll call it a day.

To his credit, he spent a shitload of time on me. However, now I'm on Abilify for the first time ever. THAT was his way of dealing with my prn request.

But I think he is thinking long term of more of in terms of 'fixing' me, rather than a short term quick fix to feel good for 3 hours.

wolfbaby said...

docs suck big buck sometime ya know.. im one of those guilty of not writting as much as i should though im not sure if im one of those you check regular like.. school is kicking my ass not to mention well... stress.. i just haven't seemed to find words lately..anyways if you like to read and haven't already and your totally bored to tears heres something you can check out it's my story.. it's fantasy fiction

at the bottom of each page youll find a link to the next chapter , also it's in the side bar if you can't follow that link

then here are short stories..

anyways i hope you get to feeling better.. that rollar coaster of emotions so sucks

wolfbaby said...

ummm and i'd just assumed you knew my blog but with the way they have changed htings here

'Tart said...

Kudos to you Wolfbaby for doing the school thing and perservering thru all the stress.

So far, I consider my finally graduating from college after a total of 13 years to be waaay up there on the important things in my life.

I started out as a young thing and had fun. I didn't know what the hell I was doing as far as a major tho.

Then there was that little ol psychoses, actually 2 back to back in the middle.

Climbing my way back to sanity/humanity was - hard. I healed a while, worked a while and then went back.

4 more years - the slow boat because I was afraid of too much stress.

And that's why I say, do what you gotta do, for you. Savor every sweet moment, even if you think you're the only one to know about it.

Can you say what your major is?

Someday, I hope to have kids. I know That really will be the pinnacle of accomplishment. Your's are beautiful - I love their chubby cheeks!!!

Thanx for your urls. I come by occasionally. It's obvious that you are a writer! I always appreciate when you come be here:)

wolfbaby said...

I sent you an email with my major nothing fancy but i'll say here to.. HIT or Health information technology. I go to devry on line which is totally benificial with the kids and part time work. but there is a major story in that i plan to blog about soon.. ugh you'll totall get my frustration on it i just haven't had the heart to write about it yet. I bet you do have kids one day but you know what I so respect your waiting till you feel ready.. this is one of the most awesome and amazing things I can see from a woman. You care so much that you take the hard road to do whats right for you... don't knock yourself on that at all!!!! and thank you for the complaments on my babies.. they tend to be my world and universe outside my writting;) even when they drive me bonkers.. tee hee just like my hubs;) sorry for the book long comment i seem to have found my voice again LOL