I am so bored!

The Black Crowes, the early days (OB-viously, because they still had (3rd fr. left) Jeff Cease (a-hole!) - oooh, for that matter (1st)Mark Ford (beloved but problematic druggie!) (2nd from left) Chris, you can eat, sleep, whatever at my house any day! I'm STILL so IN LOVE with him! s-wooon:)

God, it just sux when:

1) I'm having heated, hating times with myself these days. I can't explain how everything has gone to hell in a hand-basket, and I've realized that one of the utter conondrums of this illness is that sometimes you just gotta say: I can't explain it.

For once, experiencing these overwhelming feelings comes first before trying to be so damn introspective and figure out how to describe, explain, or hide/be more perfect in a nice way all for some (mostly undeserving) one else.

I gotta do what I gotta do, for me, because none of 'y'all' live with me, my therapist is useless (despite the many chances I've given her to be of some worth) and if my pdoc doesn't flat out give me a prn of some kind when I see him Monday, I may just check myself into that ridiculous pretense of a mental hospital, now behind our regular hospital.

(I'm thinking valium, but apparently they don't 'do' that anymore. They also don't 'do' Ativan anymore, which they utterly refused to give me when I was back in the hospital in '05. I was told it is as addictive as 'cocaine.' I took Ativan every single night for nearly 6 months in 1994-95, but they absolutely would not give it to me recently.)

I've come to throwing things. Husband hasn't discovered the several boxes I have thrown to and fro in my dining room and kitchen this morning. When my cat knocked down an enormous stack of stuff I printed in my office, I have not bothered to pick it up. I'd drop a match on this tinderbox, but I like my bed and having a place to sleep.

If you want a taste of bipolar, check out my 'Molly perfect' crap over on the other blog just days ago. http://jungletartsgoodstuff.blogspot.com/ Point is, the slide between emotions happens much quicker than most would imagine, and I know you all can imagine a lot. The swinging pendulum of joy & hate is but a simple and expected occurance with the ol bipolaroo.

I don't know how anybody else's bipolar, or life, is, but I have way to much passion in mine. What they need is a 'passion-o-meter' just like a blood-pressure cuff - pump that baby up, they would find that mine is Off the Charts and I need immediate long term coma-like medicating.

I feel too damn much. If we could just find a job that harnesses that I would be a billionaire. This is not about feeling sorry for myself or any of that crap. I'm saying 5 words that should be the mantra at the top of my blog, it ought to just be my entire blog: I feel too much. To the point that it hurts.

Sadly, I know people too 'emotive stupid' to even grasp that, how many times have I told you about them? The fact that they get minor problems in their life is not enough - I just want to shake them, maybe a slap or hit or too. The knowledge of their very existence adds too much to my hell.

**

It's crap, this Christmas spirit thing. Mostly it is pressure, pressure, pressure - and that's just in picking out gifts for people. We're poor and my husband has caviar taste. I like nice things, I like for our relatives to receive nice things but we have one income (I don't count my SSDI, as nobody else does here either) and honey, he's not an engineer (to his father's great chagrin).

We have not decorated, not one iota. No lights, not even a Christmas tree. It's not that I wouldn't like to love the season again (hello, first Christmas w/out Dad!) I'm just sad/mad, greiving, hating life and that doesn't stop just because it's Christmas! We haven't bothered - we're unconscioubly lazy, and I'm feeling no pain about not putting all that stuff up.

I was broken out of my hermit-like existence yesterday, to find my neighbors from across the street standing on my porch, asking me if I had seen anything, because someone stole their enormous snow globe thing right out of their yard. !

These people have shown the most 'spirit' in our neighborhood, in terms of really lighting up their house, having several nice ornaments in the yard and now some bastard stole one of them. (Thank God I haven't bothered to put anything in my yard!)

That, and the fact that my cat escaped for 2 seconds which I freaked out over, and he dutifully went back in. It took me pretty much the whole day to get over all of it.

I didn't realize I was a 'hermit' until I asked Husband (he's like the only human that comes into my moseleum here) and he confirmed it sheepishly.

I might as well be Islamic (cause they keep their women indoors & jobless - which is pretty much my life. Maybe I can get points for both my Christian and Islamic side?) Except that I like driving myself. The dress code would be handy, as I don't wash my hair for daaays (hello, get a scarf collection & a couple of potato sacks and I'm set!!).

Oh, and recently I sincerely thought about stop eating pork products. Not because of religious reasons, I just really like pigs. They're so cute! (Hello! Babe in the City! Charlotte's Web! The County Fair!) They seem like good mothers, just laying there while 15 adorable piglets suckle off them.

I'm not into hating Jewish people though, and you're kidding yourself if you think Islamics don't. Hate. Haven't God's people been through enough?

I have ordered some beautiful cards from Hallmark and for the first time ever I'm having each imprinted, which I can't get over how neat or fufu that seems to me. Then I ordered my magnets - surprise, surprise, surprise: they've got my cat on them, and pithy saying, just so people understand that he is representing us this year.

That's because Husband & I never had a decent picture of us taken this year, except when we entered an amusement park, and bought the image of our fat selves on a key chain. A little hard to download to these sites for the magnets.

My cat is the prettiest one of us, and all the relatives know our dog because we drive 15 hours so we can bring her when we go see them. It's time they meet Fangface.

Plus, neither Husband or I felt like gussying up (in my case taking a shower) to snap a quickie on the digital camera. So Husband thinks my choice of cat magnet is cool. Damn right it is.

2) reason why life sux:

When the 3-4 I check up on every day don't write anything new for a month. Don't get mad that I mentioned it. After all, I'm a hermit and have no concept of jobs, schedules, other people's stress and their inability to realize this lack of writing is adding to my boredness even more, or apparently how much of a crime that is. So Get on it!