Saturday, May 20, 2006

I'm not well

Possible Trigger: Tart does actually cus and rant endlessly

Tart is just feeling awful these days. I had a combination cold/flu and PMS. I now have a combination cold/flu and post menstrual hate. I feel like I must have skipped a cycle and now its back at me at full force.

I haven't been able to handle much of anything the past few days. I haven't instant messaged because I just feel like something is wrong with me and nobody needs to be subjected to that right now.

I got another letter from SS, wanting me to detail all my bills and how I pay them. This is the exact same letter they sent me 10 or so years ago. I am starting to lose hope. Just feeling I should give them a number to take out for the next 10 years and give up fighting. I have told them time and again about SEP so if they weren't hearing it then or now, I don't what to say. I am so angry about it, as the present person in charge of SEP wants to write a letter direct to the person holding the SS pitchfork. I want to know what's in that file and I want to know what this letter is going to say. They all just chuckle and say oh your therapist is helping you, so I'm sure you'll be fine. OH Lord am I in trouble then. UT gave me a copy of a letter I already have, the County response to it (so SS didn't care about that response then, and they will now cause???) and notes about how anxious I was. These have no meaning to Social Security, not in 2002 when they were written or now. I'm thinking they enjoy this. Hah, hah look at the little Biplolar lose her mind. Oh she went into the hospital right after they wrestled the gun out of her hand? Yeah, we heard about that on the news!! Hahah snicker*! That's okay. We'll re-schedule the meeting for the day she gets out. BASTARDS!!! You know they'd do it too.

For those of you confused: SEP is the Supported Employment Program that was guiding me back into the workforce during all of the work that is in question with Social Security. I have told SS from the begininng that these people, as part of their services, are supposed to keep their client out of Social Security hot water oh excuse, me report their earnings and make sure they don't go over. Umm yeah, they obviously happened because SS wants $$,$$$ out of me for that time period. They are conveniently trying to get out of helping me, at least it seems that way to me.

I actually did SEP again after this debacle. I told the person at the Department of Rehabilitative Services (the State agency that funds SEP) that I had serious questions about ever doing a program that screwed me so bad the first time. But like a dumba** I believed the lies that the program had changed and was very oriented in reporting my earnings to SS. This is a COMPLETE AND UTTER LIE. SS has never heard of SEP, at least that's the idea I'm finally starting to see. But that could be a lie too, because even though $$,$$$ hangs in the balance NO ONE WILL TELL ME. It's evil, like CIA meets IRS. What's a poor Bipolar Bitch supposed to do? Cause I am now doubting my capacity to deal with this at all. I am doubting my worth as a human being. Gun anyone? If we had one I would have already done it. Period. Now, I just sit forlorly smoking in my back yard because I have no other way to torture myself.

I really went into a tailspin with this today. Everyone thinks its my cold/flu, but I started to really realize what's happening here. I had no right to work. I probably never should have completed my degree in English. I should never have tried to better myself in any way, not because of the $$,$$$ penalty I now face, but because I am a piece of shit bipolar, a mentally ill person, and no matter what good I do, unless I make an enourmous impact (and I better stop those thoughts immediately) I am a bipolar bitch on paper after all is said and done. I don't know why we have to play these games with SS, since there is no one to represent me but me, but to the Country program that has been tending to my mental health since 1995 I am just a bipolar bitch. Everything I say is converted into notes in their computer system, most of which they won't let me see (I'm pretty sure in fact I have a right to see them) and from what I've seen I'm a difficult person, but fascinating since I am a human guinea pig so they'll keep on analyzing me for what purpose? Their own since it does me No good.

I don't know if anyone keeps up with this saga. I can say I have about 0 self-image now and I have been thinking about dying. If they take my check for 2 years I have nothing to give to my family. I become a burden in so many ways. I feel like a sack of shit yet I keep thinking of how I'll convince that SEP bitch to give me my file, and how I would like to tell her off.

I wonder how she'd feel if her paycheck was gone for 2 years. I want to know how these people get away with this. I'm trying to make sure they don't, but I am weak. Physically. I have to stop myself *in my mind* from going off and telling her that the incompetency of this ridiculous sham of a program is going to cost me 10's of 1,000's of dollars. I just want to scream at them and in general because they are f*cking me!! With a smile!

1 comment:

mysti said...

(((Tart))) I am so sorry you are having to deal with this situation. It is troubling, you have every right to be angry. It sucks! Never worry about not being in the "right" mood to talk with me. People have moods, bad and good, it is called being human. I understand and am here for you when ever you need or want to talk. I can relate about the whole self image thing, I struggle with that myself. You are such a beautiful person from what I have seen on here. I know that you will not believe that, but your soul shines! Know that I am thinking of you, and also am keeping you in my prayers.