Monday, May 29, 2006

Hey I read posts from yesterday/today and thank you! :)

I wrote yesterday's post to indicate that yes I do have things to talk about, but at the same time they are tender subjects. I'm not sheilding the reader, I'm sheilding the people that need to be talked about. I really have a difficult time talking about fights or things said in my house kapish? I haven't processed the 'right' responses for myself or even what is being done here enough to chuck it out onto the blog, therefore I don't write about it. Fear not, there is no abuse, certainly nothing physical and as for verbal who do you think might the one most likely to be accused of that?

And then I went on about how I don't want to whine. I say that because I've felt more than free to talk about the SS debacle and impending hate (June 7) and of course that weighs heavily, although I admit at the moment I've just been ignoring it and trying to enjoy life although that seems to be mean smoking a cigarette in my classy nice backyard and staring into space. I'm not stoned I just feel that way. What else can I say, because I'm up against the government, you know the federal one, and from what I have heard, they get their money (although I will contine to say that it is my money, and so the fight is on).

Also, I am NOT sorry for quitting my job, I cannot believe I put up with it as long as I did, apparently I did get props from the head of SEP when I visited her as she says the newspaper industry has enourmous turnaround and 2 years for a completely sane person is still an accomplishment. That was nice of her, I took it to heart. I do wish that I could do something that would make money for my family but never work for another person again. Or at least be so far out dealing with another person. AND because of disablity (I think I need to tatoo this next information onto my forehead as it has become the song of my life) I can't work much. That's right. I NEED to make money, just not lots cause your on disability, you work AND (those of tender heart please shield YOURself) you get fucked. I think I've earned taking the * out of that one, as I know it so true.

I was told in a blistering way yesterday that I had rung up a bill, completely not realizing it of course and that I really stretched our funds and ability to pay them. It hurt me in so many ways. Of course, I'm sensitive, and I wasn't told nice and I was done in about that. And if you've been following my financial saga, you know that I don't have much to contribute. So read: Tart felt like a burden on her family. Go further: Tart felt like she is a burden. Period.

This has been such a slam. I felt like I was drowning but this was now someone grabbing me at the throat and taking me down. And all I could think was I am NOT going to kill myself, I have NOT killed myself, I have actually won, and as long as I continue to breathe I have won today.

Now you know.

I can't write that or read it without crying. That new waterproof makeup I got really does work, except for the sobbing. They need a disclaimer.


mysti said...


Raine said...

(((((tart)))) I sometimes wonder how "normal" people feel about such things. Stuff like that just really hurts me. I dont take it well at all and I can feel how you musta felt just reading it. Maybe not, but I can imagine how I would have felt and that would suck. Then I wonder if the "normies" feel it so badly too.........

mysti said...

Am I a normie? If so then yeah I feel it just as badly too.

mysti said...

Missing you! Hoping to see you online soon.