Monday, May 22, 2006

Anger doesn't equal depression. It just looks like it.

God bless you all, and the funny things you said about my last post. I have to tell you I was in horrible pain, in the throes of the worst cramps I've had in years. Honestly, until I was convinced to take aspirin, all I could do was tip my bottom up in the air hoping to de-cramp my blistering uterus. TMI I am sure but its true. My family seemed to ignore this somewhat bizarre behaviour (I did it on the couch LOL). I finally made it to my bed and I think I was out for a while, blessed aspirin, and stuff.

I am just tired like I could take a nap but working on my laundry, a task so taxing for me mentally and physically and my first big accomplishment in days, so I'm staying up to see how it all turns out.

I am still in down mode, at least that's what it would look like. I think in fact I am in ANGRY mode and it has become so tiring that it looks like depression. I think so much about how I am getting screwed with Social Security and how everything I pretty much predicted with SEP is happening. The present head of SEP will write me a letter but whines about how difficult it would be to get my actual file and that it wouldn't help anyway. So a letter about how I was in fact in program for severely mentally ill people (insinuation, SHE says: I was not able to understand what I was supposed to do about SS.) Why insinuate? Just tell them that in a couple of years I would leave that program to go to college. But I was a drooling mentally disordered person before that. What THE???!!! Insinuate you handing your paycheck over for this ineptitude (OH NO, I did NOT use a BIG wORD!!) or showing up to the big party at SS that day to help out.

People I am fuming. I can't believe how I'm being handed to the lions one by one. I feel like saying fine, take half the check, not the whole thing, get off my ass and have a lovely retirement, all of you bitches.

I don't need drama. I don't want to have to type b*tches on my blog all the time and I don't want to keep fighting over $20,000. Yes, that's right. I don't why I tried to hide the amount. It doesn't make a bit of difference to me anymore.

Social Security wants $19,924 out of me. No of course, I couldn't haven't worked over, accumulating that amount. That's 2 years worth of checks because since I worked more than was allowed I became non-disabled and they want those checks back. From 1996 to 1999.

It may be interesting to note when I talked to Mrs. EyeFlutter, my personal SS ream-agent, she said don't worry, my disability was not in question as they have a medical file on me and *KNOW* I'm disabled.

THEN HOW can you take 2 years of checks because I'm suddenly disabled? I've disabled the whole time. HELLOOOOO?? How can this torture go on for 10 years????

I am not depressed. I am so angry that I cannot cry, scream or do anything. I am disabled by this enourmous screw that no one, not my Husband's mother who worked for SS herself, the SEP people, my therapist, or A LAWYeR (Yes, I've consulted one, who will look at my record gratis and then pretty much I'm well screwed on my own) can help me with or even show up to the proceedings with me. NONE of 'em.

Well, there's my mother. Long-suffering mother. Shall we go into a new mode. One that will make most uncomfortable since its not NICE to say things about Mother.

Mother, mother why won't you go away?
You just hang on and continue to stay
Why is it I think it's my fault
This hanging on has got to halt

People, I cannot imagine what people think when they come to my house. I live in the same house that I moved into when I was 7. So does my mother. She's never left. I on the other hand, went to college for a couple of years, returned for a bit, got told to get a job, I did, and after that failed work attempt (the new name for all my work experiences, thanks MIL and her SS knowledge there) I had a bad bout of insanity and returned home for good.

Mummy's got an RV and this is her ticket freedom (for/from us, I'm not sure) She's packed it full of stuff, and a nifty 65+ GPS system (its big for blind people). She may leave someday. Meanwhile, we as idiots are buying the house. We are only doing this, I understand, because we will sell for losta money and go live in a better place.

I think what people think is, oh poor thing, no independence. I am starting to think it too. Between Mummy and Husband, all deals can be made, and I don't need to know, think or WORRY about anything.

What the hell is the point of me being independent? How can a bipolar, no money, no job (don't want one, though) no structure, no more self-esteem left DO anything? What do I need to be independent for? What do I mean by independent?

I *think* I've got people holding the bottom for me now. I *think* they want to cocoon me and keep me safe. No wonder my independent friend hates me so much. No wonder people I've know that make such a big deal about independence were never folks I go along with. I am a tard. I'm losing every bit of who I am, more and more daily. I should take my nap. I'm not going to get my independant life. I'm not going to be in charge of anything more than my own shitting cycle. I am just flushed down the drain. I hate my life.


mysti said...

Tart I am so sorry you are having such a hard time emotionally. I have more to say, but I will let it lie here, because I think it will only annoy you. Know I do care, and I do understand how hard this time is for you. (((Tart)))

Okay I will just one thing .... cant help my self.... You are such a wonderful lady. I can not even imagine anyone would think badly of you!
You wrote:
People, I cannot imagine what people think when they come to my house.

I am sure that they would think what I am thinking right now! You are human, life is not always perfect, but I would still love to come to your home, sit down with you and have a cup of tea with you, while you vented out your anger.


Enigma said...

I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you... and it's not "oh poor thing, no independence" either.


Raine said...

anger doesnt equal depression you are right- I used to get that mixed up alot. I thought that when I was irritable and agitated I was depressed, I just recently found out that , that is mania, just an ugly nasty one instead of the euphoric I love the world one. I'm still learning this illness. I am sorry you are feeling this way and I hope it changes for you soon. I have to say this and I hope it doesnt irritate you TOO badly:P Owning a house is a lot better than renting no matter how you came by it LOLOL I'll trade ya!!!