Thursday, August 30, 2007


Sometimes my friends say out loud when they are upset. I think I will too. I am upset. My birthday has been lousy. I gave it a couple days to see it through. Yeah, I'm premenstrual I believe and I'm definitely more of a PMDD, or human explosive device.

I'm tired of making everything better for everyone else. I don't know what to say. Last night I started telling Husband details from my first psychosis. I thought for sure he knew all about it. Either he IS ADD or I never did tell him before. You cannot imagine the pain of remembering all over again, mentally reliving it.

Back to the birthday, I can name 5 or more people who no longer speak, talk, write, call or act like they ever knew me. Beside's Husband's Mom and Grandma not a single person out of 30 sent an ecard, called or acknowledged my existence, despite the fact that they all receive an email from the family site telling them it was my day. I send ecards to every one of them on their special day I even have reminders from Hallmark, too. I am heartbroken.

I don't care what anyone else thinks about this. I'm not usually anything close to the whiny that passes for youth on television today, and I don't think I'm asking for too much for acknowledgement - I didn't ask for a car, hell, I don't even expect a real card anymore. The point is, I'm not dead, yet anyway. I am still fun, I am still kind and I do feel monstrously dissed and frankly, it is hurtful.

So all you haters, rejoice. And everyone else, carry on, carry. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm being a big baby. I've been through a lot, truly. I am pissed. I'm not blogging for a while. If I knew someone with a gun I'd go have tea with them tomorrow.


MYSTI said...

Omg Tart, you are loved. I did call you on your birthday, and i do have a present for you, i promise! I honestly just have not felt well the last five days. I have had a nasty migraine. It wont leave , sheesh. Anyway my friend I am so sorry your hurting. It is okay to be pissed, and yes I am lousy at ecards. I should have sent you one. I am sorry if it hurt your feelings. Hugs tart, and please know that I care.

Hugs you big time.


'Tart said...

Oh, no, no, no. This is not about you. No you have nothing wrong and I am not sad at all about my relationship with you. It's really a deep sadness that encompasses my birthday, the talk I had with my husband made me realize even more how I should NOT have my own children (and how that's got me branded 'freak for life' and I am soooooooooo sick of it), it is that damn time of month for me, and worse it is THAT time of season for me. The change from Summer to Fall is an evil time for me, flat out. I lost my mind last time (1994) around this time of year, at the end of Sept. actually trying to do well in classes - I tried to go back to school. So much pressure, and I know me, I tried to take that pressure, but its really true when they you can only take so much. But I tried.

I have felt upset all day. I know that if I had a gun I would have done it. I'm really at that point. I have no apologizes. I don't find anyone but the sweetest (you, dear Mysti) ever offer me an apology for anything, and I feel none back to any one else. From my understanding most people open this page for less than a second, so for all we know the world never sees any of it.

I am closer to this than I've ever been - I know life will go on for everybody else, and that's just the point, it will. It's either I need help to get thru a horrible time, I keep pulling up my boot straps myself, or it will just be over. For all of my intelligence, good will, or all those things they'll be struggling to say about me at a service or whatever, my job is done. How many people can actually name what is destroying them? I'm done. I don't have to say anything more, because I understand what's going on, sort of, I don't/can't do no mo for no one else.

Thank you dear Mysti. I appreciated your call and you've done wonderfully. You are the sweetest, truly.

MYSTI said...

Calling you today.


Raine said...

Torrey has a gun- hes my hubby type person so that makes it mine. sooooooooooooo...... Now you have to come and have tea with me!!!!!YAY!!! let me know what time you are getting here and I will have a cake ready for you with happy birthday on it. (didn't know it was your birthday)
p.s. you get the cake not the gun. You said I had to have one, not that I had to let you use it :P

wolfbaby said...

ahh that sucks major bout your b-day.. and let me tell you your not a freak for not having kids.. your a good person who dosn't deserve that kind of crap.

take care ok