Friday, August 10, 2007

Whatever Keeps You on The Planet

So, re-vamped the immediate warning sign on the blog a moment ago. Found myself on another person's blog (they were posting one of the my articles urls) and this other person actually warned potential clickers of my article [on someone else's site, as they clicked to come to my site] that there 'may be profanity.' Hunh. I tend to think this makes people die to come here, with a warning like that. Somehow it makes me look like a cussing fool. No, I am an honest fool. I let the inner angst out the way it wants to come out. I can cus like a sailor, a criminal or a sweetheart that spent way too much time in a state mental hospital. It took a looooooong time for me not to say f_ck every other word after the 6 month stay and family & friends were shocked every time I could figure out how to curtail it's use, in fact. So, I have skills, and sometimes they get used.

I just put the disclaimer up because I think honesty's the best policy and while I put it all over that I'm bipolar, there's still fools that don't understand how mad we can get. Righteously mad. But still, we are the sweetest of people.

So, on to other, perhaps similar subjects. I was feeling sui c i dal this evening, after being subjected to your average everyday women, the judgements of me firmly in her eyes and attitude, and the upshot was 'Tart felt like a freak, despite being as nice as I could be. I will never fit in. Now, Husband calls this 'low-self esteem.' Can you imagine me telling him that that I obviously won't be selling X to the female masses, the actual reason for the trip into b_tch country in the first place which was looking into the possibility (foolishly), because they just make me feel horrible. He says, 'Oh, that is your low self-esteem.' (He believes I should 'buck up' and not care what anyone thinks. Um, we can't all be HIM!) I almost injured him but I thought better of it since he was driving us home. 'THAT is blaming it on ME!" I said, "And clearly you could see how the ladies were treating both of us, actually." Why, why is it always MY fault when I point out other people not acting right, 'people' (or are they really demo ns?) basically crushing my spirit?

When the wife of a long time friend of Husb.'s tells me that Cancer is worse than Bipolar because they can die of it, I don't know why I inexplicably held my tongue, even though that Beyotch needs a lashing more than anyone I know in the flesh. (I don't need to tell YOU, dear Reader, that death by horrible natural cause is STILL more socially acceptable than death by own hand. How about the stigma of mental illness? Where are the walk a thons, ribbons, and CARE for mental f'n illness?) She had NEITHER illness? How did I ever let her get away with it? Oh, the mental floggings actually to myself, that occur to this day.

That was a case of, we've all known each other 15+ years, and Yoko (that would be moi) has been dragged to see these wretched people for years. You'll be quiet, won't you Yoko, for the sake of the friiiiieeeeeeeeennnnddddshhip? Hunh? They are wretched, time and time again doing & saying things that are unfathomable. In recent years, I have called them on one or two things. They have the nerve to say, "We're sorry your feelings are hurt," in nonsense emails to me, that take no responsibility. No, I'm looking for, "I'm sorry I did something that hurt your feelings." They word it like an f'n publicist. And if the wife weren't bad enough, she's essentially the naive, clueless one in the family. Her mother and sister are vipers, snakes that eat people up for breakfast. If the one is clueless, the family units are judging and conniving and near embodiments of evil. When her sister produced a child, I asked Husband if she had eaten it yet. He gave me the 'look,' I said, "Well, her kind usually does eat it's young."

Many stories involved with that one. I rue the day that I didn't kick the b_tch out of my car and make her walk to her sister's wedding (I'm speaking of viper sister, in my car, still bitter because our lovely hair crew told me I had beautiful lips. You'd think Viper would, and still does, pop a vein over that one!). Instead, I actually took ABUSE for the mere 45 excruciating minute ride that I was forced to bring her, and I wish that I HAD GIVEN HER A REASON to hate me, a reason for her incessant b_tching and hatefulness toward me for no god_amn reason at-all. You just wonder, really wonder what goes in those heads, the lack of brain chemicals perhaps, the practice they have gotten from being horrible their whole lives. People like that are a step above in the unbelievable chain, they really are worse than your average idiot judging-woman. Having been subjected to both kinds, I just don't have an explanation. I don't know why cruelty and judging feels so good to them.

I want my ranch. LOTs of acres. I want my animals. My pugs, other dogs, and alpacas. I'll take a stinky alpaca hug any day for the lies, the excuse that human beings represent. I'll go to the grocery store with my shades on and order most things online. Contact with people will be when I have what they want: information, buy an animal, a scarf, look around and say, "Gee, wish we could do this." Then they leave to carry on their insignifcant lives and CAN'T HURT ME.

I was going to come on here, after describing my su ic id al thoughts and tell you what snapped me out of it.

It was my usual checking and looking at MSN and, for once, clicking on videos. Normally, I'm all about reading the news/drivel, I don't like videos, any more than I like television news. But I clicked on the one about the Dad attacking his son's murderer in court, good but not satisfying enough. Love the concept, a whole movie w/ Kevin Bacon (ooh, free pub. yer welcome) is coming out about that.

No, the one I loved and broke my spell for me was the store robbery and how the robber (or clerk) almost bit one from the shotgun. Here's how it goes: robber demands money, clerk slowly gives him bills at a time, greedy f_k puts down gun and demands it faster, clerk grabs gun, (b4 getting to shoot a__hole, darn!) robber flees. Moments later (you know this guy's on meth) robber comes running back, over the counter and WANTS GUN BACK! Nope! Says clerk, struggle, Gun Goes Off! but damn it, no one injured. Robber flees, Good Sam writes down plate #, police track him down, and after THREE HOUR standoff (THAT really pissed me off) jerkoff is caught and toted away.

I thought, My God, a piece of cr_p like that causes so much trouble, ties up the 'valuable (that will be another post)' help of the public servant for 3 hours and has the nerve to not kill himself and save us the taxpayer money and waste on his sorry a__. And THAT was what made me feel better! Thank you, criminal, for making me realize that I am better than you. That I am occasionally, possibly helpful and that my life has worth. For I see that his does not. And if I can't be better the 'perfect women w/ children' that surround me, I am better than this f_ck. And that's why I'm calmer and not trying to figure out how to kill myself, right now.
Another fellow mentally ill person I knew once said, "The mentally ill are nothing but a step up than a criminal, in the public eye." He was a smart individual who said this, who unfortunately wasted his time trying to change our County mental health system, to, of course, no avail. But not only does his smarts prove that mentally ill (and oh, believe me, he was) by no means, means 'mentally retarded.' (They are so hard-working in our area, but we mentally ill do give them such a bad rap).

So it proves true, no. I have no problem feeling above a criminal, and getting much needed respite from those suicid. thoughts. Sadly, the average woman, with all her judgements, are like punches to my person. Well, I guess it's the miracle of writing/blogging/my only therapy (die UT) that may someday uncover the reason and why that is. Because I refuse to believe that it's my 'low self esteem' and I'll kick anyone's ass who thinks so.


Raine said...

ok I have to reread this all when Im am more alert and awake but I have to say that "cancer is worse than bi-polar cause you can die of it' is just STUPID. Cancer can be cure also. Bi-polar can not be. something like 30 percent of bi-polars do die of the disease and those that dont die mostly die quite a bit younger than most people due to alot of other things that go with it. Just try and get life insurance when your bi-polar!!!SO you are STILL dying of bi-polar disorder in a roundabout way when the meds take 20 years off your life with diabetes and heart disease and what not. SO THERE. HMPH. Had to rant.

Raine said...

profanity warnings eh? does that include the comments? Motherfucking son of a bitching assholes!! :P oh I'm sorry- they were coming here to see some profantiy werent they??

'Tart said...
This comment has been removed by the author.