Friday, November 30, 2007

Making some sense (out of my bipolar)

Sense, in this case: a truth, something that (for once) I can call a foundation, a Real Thing (perhaps I should copyright that, like Martha's 'good thing').

My need to have some 'solidity,' no matter how small, leads me to this:
  • I blog anger/evil twisted thoughts & feelings to get it out of me, and most likely, work it out. My blog is a fabulous gift to me in this way.
  • I have a gazillion hobbies BECAUSE I am bipolar. This seems very new to me, and it seems very important to report. This has the potential of getting me up in the morning, which has only taken me a few years to realize, is important.(NEWS FLASH: my latest 'things:' taking up the guitar, the real one with strings. Also, I think about doing decorative painting a lot, now. Wish me luck!)
  • Oooh - new realization - this just in: I hoard, and have paper all over my house BECAUSE I am bipolar.

I *think* this MAY mean that my refusual to do dishes is BECAUSE I am bipolar.

I *think* this may mean that my inability to FOLLOW THROUGH with important things like getting my d_mn resume finished but could blog all the live-long day is BECAUSE I am bipolar.

So, end result: 3 real things, and 2 almosts. My self-therapy is just soaring along.:)

In addition, lately I have really come to the conclusion that one of the main reasons I have been essentially 'pouting' and refusing to come in line with 'everybody' elses reasoning for life, is my anger over my last job.

It has just been percolating, festering if you will, for about a year and a half, and I think I'm finally looking at it, as I have started going off about it, ad nauseum, to the two people in my life that (matter) will listen. This is a sign that I am getting it out.

Can it be possible to actually heal from? I don't know, because I still don't know where to leave the monster anger. I know that if it's not ready to be locked in a box, it will bust out, worse than before. And I am no where near what I think is optimal health - to let it free to the winds, with no residual fall-out. I can 'see' opening (a rather ornate box. Hey, I house my hatred in nothing but the best!) with red dust wafting up and into the sunset, sucked into the distance, mixing with the colors of the sunset and NOT COMING or RAINING BACK!

But at least I can IMAGINE that - my God, what a miracle. This is a first, to even picture what 'healthy' could be.

1 comment:

Raine said...

that sounds very optimistic