Sunday, April 23, 2006

What I've Got to Give to You

I have been selfishly wrapped up in myself. I would also attest that I am just a simple uni-tasker that can only handle one simple personal semi-disaster at a time and am not gifted at keeping up with much else while wrapped up in my personal crap. I want to apologize to my blogfriends, those that I IM and check their sites and I just enjoy so much: I have been a sucky friend. I want to express that I am so thankful for friends that check in with me when while as I look back I almost feel as though I don't deserve it. It is truly from the heart that I thank everyone for their support. :)You're a good bunch of people.

Sadly, I have been wondering what I have to offer. I don't know if someone would want to come here and subject themselves to a site where a person would openly say, Yeah, I'm bipolar besides just being human, and even want to read that person rant. I've done that weird thing of attaching myself to that diagnosis on this site, but in fact, I think its therapy for me that I have gone ahead and just openly displayed it. In reality, as in every day life, I would never do that. As a matter of fact, in reality I have spent every bit of myself hiding it, although I preferred to think that that was best and sanest thing to do.

It was Bipolar Guy that inspired me to to let it hang loose. I have always said that I respect him so much, and really, he is a role model for me. Before I saw his blog, I don't think it occurred to me that you could openly admit to mental illness (insert 'shock and awe' stigma here) and true intelligent mental prowess which in the end, completely overshadows everything else. I think this is a gift he provides for many, and as proof I think his blog is a touchstone for many of us.

I decided to let this part of me, my bipolar diagnosis and its trappings, hang out in the wild blue windy outerspace. Reason: Besides my therapy-ranting, If by letting this out it might make another feel accepted. (What the heck, I am a slob, and I love the happy acceptance when we bond with others in areas like that) And when for those times when I am down, I have been miraculously blessed already by the kindness of others.

I can say that blogging has been therapeutic for me, not just for the obvious ranting opportunities that help me think through my problems and thoughts, but for the fact of what commenting on other people's blogs has done for me. I used to look at those comment boxes and think if only I could say something of worth to someone else. If only I could add something to this discussion that would matter. Now, I am not going to say that I in fact accomplish those things, but I am not not afraid to try! I sometimes go back and see what other people say just to make sure I wasn't out of line or something like that, but when I turn the computer off (uh, after a long day of it, I assure you) I don't regret what I've said. And what a delight and gift it is that people respond so well back.

I've said before, but I don't think it gets old to say, thank you to true blog friends who I know about that comment and truly make this blogging thing worthwhile. I need to respond to more people, and I don't want to leave anyone out, but thank you to the people who came here that first time in February and led me down the blog-rose path to kind friends and so much fun. How you are appreciated. How all friends of the future are appreciated as well.

For those of you who experience problems (may I just invite the whole human race!) and you would like to read stuff that's just meant to be honest by a person that doesn't know any better, which may include open whining, maybe this will be an enjoyable blog to come to(although it sure doesn't sound too good after saying that!). I sure hope so, because (perhaps unfortunately) it's all I have to offer! Besides pretty pictures and discussions of my animals, which I admit - where'd the Jungle go? We haven't heard from them in a while and I intend to remedy that, it is my great pleasure to have a place to let it hang out. I hope its at all as good for you as it is for me! :)

I guess what I'm trying to say and trying to figure out to myself, is I hope I have something to offer. Now, I know if you're going for a job interview you're supposed to pretend you do! I'm not into the job thing right now, just relationships with people. I apologize because I haven't applied myself to this, sadly even in real life. But maybe that's a post for some other time.

I think I have been wondering about the reaction one blogger had to another admitting in a post to depression. They applauded the person for talking about 'such a private matter.' I give props all up and down for 'coming out' about it. And if you knew a person in the 'real' world and found out something like that, yes, it is definitely personal information. If your not expecting it I guess for some people its shocking. I don't tell people my personal information, although I have to say the illness affects me very much, I also feel pretty darn 'normal.' I think what may concern me is the idea that its MEANT to be personal information, like wow that is such a hush hush thing. THAT concerns me.

Remember when cancer was so hush hush that you didn't talk about it and people could actually die just from the embarrassment not getting care or even wanting to deal with a doctor (I KNOW someone who had a grandmother do this, so don't even think I'm making this up) There are always going to be people to this day that are grossed out by thoughts of cancer, doctors etc, and we won't change that. But this culture has gone through Massive change with how it thinks, talks, and accepts discussion of these deadly diseases (pass me a Breast Cancer ribbon). Mental illness deserves this shift in thought.

I don't like the idea that you have to be brave to talk about it, I think you are brave because you have it.

You don't need to Ever be embarrassed by what is chemical and real and yet what is every bit of real pain. There are so many posts that could be said about this. So for anyone who wants to talk about it, suspects it, or just holds it close to their heart, again don't you know that you are brave and that mental suffering is real suffering and you won't ever find Tart telling you different. If you find yourself in these situations, any bit of yourself that you find embracing the good and the joy in yourself is ever a more positive step bringing us all to realize that mood related feelings are just as real as a cancer patient's symptoms. I know we give lip service to this, but unfortunately, I KNOW these things. Acceptance for ourselves and each other can only lead to good.


And let me say this, because its only 3:42 a.m. It takes bravery to push against what people think, whether its what you wear or drive, or the meds that you have to pick up at the pharmacy or any other vacuous thing as you get older (it sooo matters much more when you're younger, ya know) and so on. So just apply bravery to the simple task of being who you are. Every once in a while I share my story with undeserving normies (case in point, my medical transcription class). Once I make the decision to talk, I let everything, including people's mind sets, tumble where they will. I hate how talking to just a few middle class women is such a fight in stigma and related matters, it really is hard, but I guess I just felt like testing my Toastmaster skills! There is a message worthy of getting out there. I can't save the world, except when I'm manic (!), so I only attempt it once in a while. I have no idea why I'm writing that, but I think I'll go to beddy-bye.


mysti said...

wow nice post! Personally speaking I feel blessed to have you as a blog and chat friend. Btw you have also helped me think about things when you comment on my post. I am looking forward to getting to know you better. Thank you Tart for who you are and all you do.

'Tart said...

Thank you, Mysti! That makes me feel so good, because you are just lovely! :)

Raine said...

Hey I LIKE your blog!! and even if I didnt .... it should be for YOU and you should write whatever you feel like writing. At least thats what I do. Reader beware LOLOL. Thats the cool thing about blogs. Im not gonna run into you at the grocery store tomorrow, nobody is gonna have to face me at work , etc etc. You should feel free to write what you feel you need to write and to heck with what anybody thinks about it. The way I figure it- and keep in mind that these are MY feelings about it LOLOL. If you read my journal then you Im not responsible for what you think or how you feel about it. Im writing for myself, not for you. If you find something in it interesting or that you can relate to, then cool. If not, then it was never really meant for you anway:P So what I am saying is- Do it for yourself, not for us. I have chosen to offer you friendship and that isnt gonna change cause you rant on your journal. ( Actually I kinda like the rants LOL)

'Tart said...

Well, Darlin', I take that friendship and feel so cool to be a part of it! Thank you Raine!