Friday, April 7, 2006

Webshots calls this Dog tired.

I should probably save this one when it looks like I will have lovely, peaceful slumber (nope, don't think that's going to happen) or when I am purily (word?) truly physically exhausted (no, haven't reach that point but unfortunately do know how that feels).

Alright, so the justification is that I *may* be getting 'tired of my life.' No, I'm not depressed, in fact if I were to share my mood it is a little bit electric and excited while properly medicated and not out of control about all things 'new kitty.' No the tired I mean is "have I reached the point where I would be ready to let go of my job and come stay mostly at home and hopefully work medical transcription?" Hmmm,, think, think, Pooh says. I need more time to think think and that's fine because...I have time.

What spurs this is that my medical transcription class ends after next week and we had a local owner of a transcription business come in and yak. She probably wouldn't be hiring until Sept., enough time for me to get things more together transcription-wise (long story)but I'm just thinking.

So I make a list, the el pros and cons list, often encouraged by those that want us to go insane via list. Here, off the top of my head at 12:32 a.m. I write:

Leaving Job - Good: 1)Don't really imagine myself obituary writer and fielder of petty and annoying calls the rest of my life.

2)Could take my work phone and shove it. (much like one above, but a lot more succinct)

3)Stay home and become more the person I want to be. Will have to force myself to exercise, eat breakfast (as I avoid those hours) but will get to interact with family (BIG PLUS), cook my husband an evening meal (this may decide it entirely, folks), and keep up with those pesky things called laundry and snail mail which are presently an avalanche that I cannot find my way out from under and may I say, overwhelm me. I will be able to give my animals all the me contact they deserve (maybe more), I can go to appointments at other times of the day but a.m. (did I mention I'm not awake then?), I could go to the grocery store when no one goes - I don't know when that is at the moment but I'm sure I'll find out.

Hunh. #3 Looks large and onerous and all on the 'good, shove your job' side. Now, what would be the cons to letting go my little part time jobola?

1)The unknown. I let go of job I worked SUPER hard to get, to even convince them to hire a disabled person (I REFUSED to tell them what the disability was, at the time) is a miracle that Yes, I have performed many times in the past, BUT there are aspects about my job that make me feel like I am doing something important. Especially if more people knew that a mentally ill person was providing them daily with their Celebrities, obituaries and a Monday front page column about fun stuff to do in the area. Only a few people know these things and its nice but my name-o is on none of it so apparently that's not why I do it. I get no pats on the back, no recognition and I TURNED DOWN some of the meager pay that they originally offered me so that there would be no problems with disability aka SS (faintly reminder of the Nazis for a reason!) I work for peanuts. As long as I continue to want to, I think that's okay. But if I don't...well, two weeks is all it takes to freedom. I put enourmous effort in being professional and making mentally ill people look really good, yeah if they knew I was mentally ill.

I wonder what I'm going to think of this years from now. I mean, I remember the squirmishes and bitchment that went on in other jobs and in some of them I can honestly say, could've done without any of that. Could've told them to shove their nasty attitude, to their faces, and would have been doing myself a service. Others, I'm glad I hung in there, they were good experiences. Some it seemed so damn important to run myself into the ground literally at the time, where now I look at it, no I'm not seeing it.

The unknown really is what is really like to be an at home medical transcriptionist? I don't know if I'm good enough to be hired. And the big thing is am I going to feel like I am contributing something, because it is obvious that that is pretty important to me. I am willing to forgo recognition and money in order to do something that seems fun and important. Well, good, this has helped me realize that but the question is: will medical transcription do those things for me? I love to type and of course people's medical records are super important, but will it drive me nutsky to sit here and listen, sometimes over and over, to difficult medical jargon? And so it comes into play the fact that I've gone to these classes since September but I've never really USED my home set for an extended period of time to see how I will take it, I am always too "busy." So, yay for having time till Sept. or whenever to find out, but you see what I'm thinking.

It's now 1:14 a.m. which is insane for me. I have one of those pesky a.m. appointments with the medical doctor. I pity the person who transcribes my records or figures my bill. Multiple ailments. Life expectancy: 10 years, tops. You know you shouldn't think things like that because who knows maybe they are self prophesying. But due to my metabolic syndrome (has anyone else heard or been diagnosed with this? I'd love to know) I could cardiovascularly croke in the next 10, so I was told, IF I DON't LOSE WEIGHT. I am not hulkingly overweight. I am by no means no a possiblity for gastric bypass. I only state this to try to give an idea that I am heavy and is by no means a cut on anyone that needs gb or is very overweight. My Mom's a big lady and wouldn't you know it, I love her. Anyhow, count that in to: I NEED for health to lose the poundage, and it just seems staying at home would at least give me more time for that. Not make me WANT to do it, or easy to structure in, but at least give me the chance to try.

These are things rolling around in my mind along with a whole bunch of other stuff that might bore you even further. Oh, IF I stayed home:

I would have more time to blog.

Now when is it I will have time to work? I still haven't figured that out yet!

Honestly, I think if I got to stay home the first two weeks I would be like My God, I'm on vacation! and it might look like all possiblity of being an accomplished structured person would go out the window. But then, after the second hour, my Mom would pop in, "Are you going to do your laundry now?"

We'll save what living with Mom when your 34 and living with your husband is like for another time.

By golly, dear reader, I wish I could give you a parting gift for reaching this far. This post has soooo been therapy for me almost like, Oh, you're still reading? Wow, well that is just awesome! :)

Oh, I should mention, that I have agreed to go out of the state this weekend to assist the husband in driving for Reserves soooo....if this is the last post till Monday, don't worry. I plan to come back and rant some more. (Lucky you.)


Enigma said...

I hope you and hubby have a safe trip and enjoy your time together.

"it might look like all possiblity of being an accomplished structured person would go out the window"
I'll have to disagree here. I think it takes more discipline and structure to work at home. With a job outside the home, you have set hours, a place to go, co-workers.... While you still have to choose to get out of bed and go to work, it is not the same as choosing to get out of bed and walk to your desk.
You can set the times that you will work each day, but for a while it may be difficult to pass up that lunch date, or tv, or whatever when you know you can still do your "work" later. Once it become routine, it may not be so difficult to resist these temptations.
Of course, I may be way off my rocker on this, but it is how I see it.

Anyhow, love the sleeping pup. Have a grand weekend.


Raine said...

LOLOL I enjoy reading your rants so rant away. by the way, the best time to go shopping (when no one else is there) is about 3 a.m. if you are lucky enough to have stores open at that time. Thats bi-polar manic shopping time!!!!!:)

mysti said...

Number one thing that you need to ask yourself, Is what will make you happiest? Life is to short to live it doing something you are not enjoying. There are times in life when one does not have any choice but do things that they do not like. If you have the ability to make a choice then that is a wonderful gift. Remember though that even if you work from home there will be bad days just like there are now when you go to work. Of course it allows you the chance to vent, and who is going to care? You are your own boss! That is the plus.
I am sure you will make the right decision! Know I am praying for you.
I sure hope you and your husband have a safe trip. Enjoy!


Jennifer said...

I'm all for working at home,Jungle Tart, and I homeschool one kid so I need to work out of the house. On the other hand, I took a med. trans course and found very quickly that I hate the work. HATE IT! It is very boring. The docs drone on and on, and even though they can mumble and make as many mistakes as they like as they yammer, the MT is expected to turn in a perfectly polished work of art or woe is she! I have met several other MTs and we all confess to one another that we despise the work but are desperate to stay home and bring in money. Some people like it and stay at it a long time, so it can't be all bad. I am only giving you my opinion.