The Waffling Continues...

Hey, well now things get complicated. For one thing, today, Tuesday, no sup/manager/anything said anything to me. I sense there may be scurrying around in the Classifieds area but no one tells me anthing.

But I'm sure they don't want to lose me.

Now, add to the mix that I had a rotten day with the evil funeral home. It looked like they were going to do another of their favorite screws: the two part obituary. One part (either text or picture) is submitted before deadline. They think this keeps their 'place' so they can the other part any 'ol time they feel like it. They performed this today by sending picture, then text in a format that we cannot open and they KNOW we can't. That's how they think they are buying time, because we are then waiting for a format we can open. So my piss head supervisor wants me type it out from a whole page that looks like gibblety goop. I'm like you have GOT to be kidding. I asked him if he had called them to get a format we can use, because at this point myself and the paginator had decided that Mr. Dumbass should be the one to talk to these people, since he loves them so. Uh, no, he says, this will work out fine. The hell it will. I got a printed copy of that and tacked it onto my cubicle so if someone asks (they won't) I can say this was a submission for an obit. Just ridiculous. Well, turned out the fax machine was without paper and when some was put in it chugged out a couple copies of the evil f.h. stuff.

It took me going outside and calling Husband on cell phone for me to 'get over' this. Do you see the crap I put up with?

Then, at 4:58 p.m. appears another obit from E.F.H.(Evil Funeral Home). The deadline, in case I haven't said it a million times here is 4 p.m. I just called up Useless Supervisor and informed him he might want to give a call to his 'favorite people' and if he wants to perform a favor for them that is certainly his perogative and pretty much slammed down the phone, and left.

Just losing patience. I know every workplace comes with its own politics. Plenty of supervisors are ridiculous unsupportive bastards and people work in those places for years. But I am ridiculous in the belief that I do deserve better. I just wonder if I'm passing up a better opportunity than home life if I quit for good? UT would say my illness is winning if I just quit my job. Yet another reason I don't see why to consult her with this, because I just don't get it. What is disability if I can't rest and have life more the way I want it?

So the question is, Do I want to stay in this place after obits are gone? Of course, my gut answer to being pissed off royally today is Just F em. I know the money would be gone, be certain that it never has been much. And I'm thinking I can use this time to hone my MT skills. I know I will miss the paper but...won't I get over it? I was thinking if things got really bad I could sell stuff on EBay. I mean we've got crap all over the place, something's bound to be valuable, that I could part with. Anyway...I sift through all this. I wonder how much is fury that is for today and will pass, and how much is fury that is righteously applied to all that is wrong with my work establishment. It is not clear to me.

If they asked me this moment I feel like saying, So sorry, I'm leaving. But why does it feel like I may just be letting a moment take me down and I'm not thinking of the bigger picture.

I am thinking that with Reese coming wouldn't it be great to be home with the animals, use my darn Curves subscription (I haven't in a year. I know that's pathetic), Start eating right (every day I eat McDonald's Chix selects and a Diet Coke. It occurred to me today that I don't even eat vegetables, let alone the fact that I shun breakfast.)The food thing would indeed become a big deal, as I really would put effort into the whole grocery store (I have a near phobia about the G.S.) and energy into the cooking thing. I may even attempt to clean. This will definitely Shock and Awe my family. They would be spoiled forever.

Here's something to consider too. No obits means I type more stuff into the system. And a big part of that is the Opinion section. I don't mention it most of the time, but I type those letters in. And without discussing my persuasion, there are some very hot issues out there and I spend some time being pissed off when I'm typing a letter I don't like. And get this: I never read the paper. If I didn't work there, I would never touch the thing. As far as my politics go, the paper and mine don't match and it could rot for all I am concerned.

But if I don't do this, what do I do? I worked hard to just get them to let me work there! I know there's MT, but chuck that all into the great unknown, and the unknown as we all know, is scary.

All I know to do is to continue to stay strong. I fear at any time they're going to come to me and go, "Well?" I would hate to think that if I answer with the feeling of the moment that I will regret it. I know I'm burnt out. I thought I could say, "Yeah, I'll keep working if I get all next week off." But I am not even sure about that.

I know I go on endlessly. And you know its because I'm thinking, working it out, and I just plopped it out with my fingers. If not for this, my husband, and my IMers, I would be a frustrated, clueless F___ that probably would have freaked out big time at work and just walked out. I want to thank you all for taking my abuse.

And to all, a gooood night. :)

Love,
Your Tart