Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I Wanna Talk About It Some More

Since I’ve got this monstrous debilitating disease that I utterly refuse to disclose to strangers (is that so crazy?) yet simultaneously I possess a sweet demeanor that obviously suggests that I must have a fantastic gene pool to pass on, I am a target for the kind of crap that I discussed below. This amazes me somewhat, or perhaps a lot, because people are usually judged for what they do, their job, their business usually for men and maybe even sometimes for who they are.

But it turns out, at least in Middle America, you are significantly judged by if you have children or not, and if so, how many, how many grandkids that’s produced for you, etc. And if you don’t have kids, is it because you hate kids? (which I guarantee you will lower your amount of party invitations), or if you are unable to have children (oh, poor you), just never had the chance, or whatever is floating through your querers mind, whether they give the list or just start suggesting it. Admitting to not particularly caring for children is akin to being a Nazi or someone who would probably eat their young, so it is reassuring after all that you haven’t produced. But no one wants a Nazi at their party or in their social group.

Not that I have ever responded to any of these queries in a negative way. No, despite the fact that extreme prying is in fact extremely offensive, I try to give answers that reassure and make everyone feel better. Never mind that I’m offended cause I’m more of a medical or research subject than a person, mind you, and certainly my issues are as anathema to these kind of people (and sadly this is quite rampant) that I don’t matter anyway. Certainly, I should be able to understand how important it is for them to discern the answers to these important underlying factors.

Case in point, same party on Sunday. As Husband and I walked into Host’s house he immediately said something to the effect of, “Oh yeah, you guys don’t have kids.” Which is true. So we kind of nodded. Then he says, “Do you want to have kids?” apparently testing for those Nazi tendencies. So, I was not about to be sour immediately upon entering party and I played the game. “Well, I certainly haven’t ruled out having them.” And I kid you not, I actually gestured to the lower half of my torso, where my girl parts do reside, and pretty much said something like “I think they still work.”

This must have satisfactorily proven that we were worthy to enter, to mingle with others, that we were not going to be offended by the existence of children at the party (which we, uh, already knew) and were not going to take anyone’s kid home for a snack.

This is not fiction. This really did happen.

It’s known around the office that Husband and I are childless, however, I would die a thousand deaths if Husband tried to explain to everyone I am Bipolar and that I am doing a really good job of taking care of myself and our animals. I am sure that any discussion or trying to make my life look good to others or even explain it would be met with dazed stares, lack of comprehension and probably some sympathy for Husband for having married such a weird, problem filled, incomprehensibly burdened individual. It’s why we both just avoid it. I’m just not one of those brave, boisterous, idiotic people that puts my problems on a plate for everyone to see and says “See, that’s why.” I will have to work on that in my next life.

Instead, I have a lovely demeanor, oooh especially when I’m ‘on’ and it maketh no sense why I don’t see the sense of having more little me’s to nosy strangers whose its not any business of anyway. It’s not like I treat normies as cruelly as I am treated, quite the opposite, hence why I’ve said many times on this very blog that it takes monster patience to deal with them. It should be no secret why I am presently self-sequestering myself as much as I possibly can, I’ve taken a lot of abuse, in the workplace and face to face. It’s a case of you’ve gotta be the better person and by God that takes so much energy, and I just haven’t mustered it back yet.

Hey, it’s my blog, you get to hear me bitch. It’s my life and I’m telling it to you straight.

But seriously though, men don’t have this problem, not nearly in the same way. It’s just a rotten society and I’m tired of it’s ‘standards’ being shoved on me.

You are now blessed with an additional 'rant.' Enjoy:

I can’t help saying that so many illness are brought on by people themselves. You shove enough sugar into your body, you’ll probably be diabetic. I saw this first hand in my own family. You eat enough crap and watch TV or sit all day, you’ll probably get heart disease or a lovely form of cancer. You don’t deal with your problems, neurologists are waiting to diagnose you. The list is endless of the fact that many people bring their own probs right onto themselves, whether they want to admit it or not, and I certainly don’t think they set out to or even mean to.

I was born with this. Officially diagnosed at 16, I could easily look back and see the bipolar behavior personally from as young as 5 and I bet my Mom could take it farther back then that. So what is all this about? I’ve have this forever, I did not bring it upon myself, it's hereditary, and it is debilitating (even the Federal Government thinks so). I’ve been breaking my back to pretend to be normie all my life – and yet still I must be subjected to discussion of everyone’s ills as though they were a badge of honor, whether in the line at the grocery store and at some party, yet never discuss my own because that would just be too much for most people. Am I cranky and pissed and tired of it all? Yeah, and I have every right to be.

5 comments:

mysti said...

(((Tart))) I am glad you were able to vent some here. I know you are pissed, and nothing I say will help that. Know though that "I" know just how loving a person you are! God gave you a huge amount of love. I feel blessed to know you and call you friend. Talk with you soon!

wolfbaby said...

hmm well i cant say yes to what mysti said cause i don't know you well yet;P but I can say you seem awefully nice and it's a shame folks gotta give you grief like that... take care and ohh yeah I'm siging you up;)

Cheesemeister said...

Tart,
It's none of their goddamn business that you don't want to have kids! People like this drive me crazy! Kudos for being nice to them. I'm such an asshole that I might just straight up say something like "because I'm prone to eating my young" in response to the question "why don't you have any kids?" (I actually do have a son, but in the event that I had never had kids.)
The thing that sticks in my craw is people telling me that I "should" want to "correct" the fact that I never want to be involved in another romantic relationship and I find "hooking up" extremely distasteful. The one man that I could love in that way is no longer a dweller of this planet, if you take my meaning. I have been in a myriad of awful relationships that were abusive in one way or another. I always end up self-harming because I am suicidal when I am eventually done dirty by these bastards.
Guys feel it's their place to try and coerce me into giving them a chance. "I'm not like those other guys." Yeah, you're Satan's son, so you're 1000 times worse! Relatives remind me that I'm "not getting any younger. Well, no shit, Sherlock! I wouldn't be getting any younger if I had some ball and chain attached to my ankle either!
Sorry for the rant, but I loved this post so it inspired me, and I'm a little anxious and hypomanicky right now!

'Tart said...

****First paragraph might have spoiler for some****

Well, this is sick I guess, but the answer that mulls around in my mind is: "Well yes, the neighbor's dog ate the last two, and I'm working on miscarrying this one." But I think that might cause some people to break down. Which might be fun to watch. :) Okay, partially kidding.

It's not that I don't want children, sometimes I consider/fantasize about it, it's just that it literally comes with health risks that I know about before the fact and while I've been pretty strong to get out of my last two psychoses, I don't know if I can do all that AND have a sweet innocent hanger on at the same time. Personally, I think pregnancy and the birthing process take unimaginable strength and to add to it the kind of (literal) insanity that requires shots of antipsychotics in your rear to come down from - well, it comes down to I really question my strength and those of my family that would have to watch helplessly nearby.

Truth be told, I am looking for the person out there who has suffered diabilitating, out to Pluto, mind-numbing, beyond the worst horror film terrifying you've ever seen psychosis (even once) and turned out really rockin' after recovery. I can think of BiPolar Guy, and that's why I put him on a pedestal, besides his mind numbing MENSA smartness. Honestly, I have advised and helped a few people in my life and I'm looking for my guru. I admit that I'm bitter that I haven't found that person, I've been left out in the cold so to speak, but recognize I'm lucky to have the many supporters in my life that keep me going anyway. I think I'm going to have to look on Amazon to even find if anyone's written about it, anyone's been there. Sometimes I think about how Native Americans would think it's a nifty thing to be able to go there sometimes and I secretly (well, it's out now) imagine myself as a shawwoman, or basically someone of the emotional depth to understand some things that aren't apparent to others. (Hello, that's an easy button for me!)

Now you must burn your computer components and pluck your eyes, for you know too much.

:)

Cheesemeister said...

Well, I guess we'll just consider it a mutual blackmail situation that cancels itself out, because you know too much too in my confession in the previous comment!