Friday, November 24, 2006

So Late

It is an excruciating aspect for me that it takes a little pill to put me out at night. No pill, no sleep. How degrading that I have no existent sleep cycle, not after all my years of living can I wake, live, tire and go to bed like so many idgets on this Earth.

This thing called bipolar? Its h*ll. You can't have it without it having/owning you. Its not a sidedish of existence, it is existence, for the people who really truly have it. It consumes you whole because it can't even be split off. There is no this is it, and this is not it.

Either you feel like a piece of cr*p for always having to battle, or exultant for having to fight so hard. Do you feel that dear reader? Can you even understand that kind of battle and the oft draining strength that it demands?

You're either here to figure out what its like (for reasons I'm not so sure I approve of) or to commiserate. To my commiserators: May God bless you. You are not alone. Keep the faith.


More and more I am finding a roaring strength within. Instead of complete abject or slight fear when thinking about some situations I find myself kicking a##. Just imagining yourself doing this can be very powerful. I really don't have to take cr*p anymore. Why should I? I have taken/experienced more of it than most, so people's petty issues, based on judgements that don't even fit anyway, mean nothing. Sometimes we put up with things to keep the peace or in an attempt to be respectful toward someone. I have realized that if a person, say out on the 'street,' or a relative that I try really hard not to go off on insists on pushing me, there is nothing wrong with me telling them that's unnecessary, keep it civil if possible, but not stay quiet just because you're afraid to of fend. After all, they certainly weren't. Get a backbone. It's kind of essential to life.


mysti said...

Aha I am starting to agree with you on having a back bone and standing up for myself. I am tired of always taking all that is dished out, but stay silent so as not to ofend. Good on you Tart! :)

Raine said...

I totally agree. I do not set out to offend anyone ever, BUT if they are gonna start it, I can and will finish it. Unless of course I am in a deep depressive cycle- then i just slink off and bawl :P

'Tart said...

That's me too, Raine. In a nut shell.

Obsidian Kitten said...

omg, i am the same with my sleep cycle--i've never had one!

i always say it's like my on-off switch is broken. i can count on one hand the number of times i've woken up in the morning and felt like getting out of bed (this is even when i was a little kid)--getting up is the hardest thing i do every day--of my life!

i tell ppl that if other ppl had as hard of a time getting up as i do, no one would get out of bed--EVER! b/c i have a pretty strong will, and was always fairly determined to do things and follow through on them.

but that getting to bed/getting up in the morning thing has always--ALWAYS--eluded me.

and yeah, sometimes i feel that living with bipolar has made me/makes me super-powered, surviving it, coping with it, all that. (altho you put it better) other times i resent the hell out of it, the fact that i can't work (again, not being more "like a normie"), that sometimes (ok, often) i'm homebound by anxiety, social anxiety, and/or depression. and then sometimes i just crawl under the covers and hope i never wake up, although that happens less and less these days. now i'm better at just lying there knowing the shittiest feelings will pass.

but like you said, there's no "this is it, and this is not it"--and i think the biggest struggle for me has been accepting just that fact.