Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Chapter Two: Pills Are My Life. (Well, Partly. Just When I think About Them. :)

Are you expecting a scathing tell-all of someone like Elizabeth Taylor, Judy Garland, Rush Limbaugh where you can read about the rise and fall of someone and the sordid details of their descent into a mind numbing, illegal hell from which they may or may not have arisen from?

AAAAANNNNNHHHHH!!! Wrong blog. Continue Googling.

Nope, bipolars everywhere are just going to nod with me on this one, I think, but I'm not sharing the sordid stuff that caused me to have to be on pills. Sorry. That one will be selling in bookstores in a couple of years.

This evening's bitching will simply state that about 20 minutes ago I took 11 pills. With a cough syrup chaser. This cocktail is a little heavier than usual, made up primarily of my usual evening pills (taken daily) with add-ons of antibiotics, Pre-msyn pills (I will ad drop: that's the only stuff that's even come close to doing what it says), and aspirin.

Is the medicine more bitter than that which I take it for? Usually, no. No big deal that I am a walking pharmacy at age 35. No big deal that I've been doing this since I was 16. No big deal that there's no choice in terms of treating a chronic illness, that may or may not be flaring on a given day. Don't take the cocktails, you WILL descend or rocket up into Hell. Period.

So all that makes it a no brainer, right? Sure, especially if, as Pooh would say, you are little of brain. Maybe a person that wonders what life could be without this particular anvil hanging around their neck might be more concerned? Silly thought. It's yer lot in life. Shine thru, Babe, shine thru despite it all. Use those brain skills for something more significant than that which seems to be passing as self-pity. (LOOK, silly inner voice, I'm just trying to INFORM, okay? Get off my back.)

I'm getting madder and madder. No, that's not crazier and crazier, just angrier and angrier. What I do to curb it all is: Sit very, very still until bad thoughts pass. See what juicy tidbits of survival you can learn from me?

If every idiot that offed themself would just have sat still, made no movement and waited for the thoughts to pass, then got help, well, we'd have a lot less offed idiots. Same goes for people who hurt themselves or, for that matter, end up hurting others.

I don't state my 'staying still' thing as trite at all, because I have to do that a lot especially recently when I am overcome with all 4 of my recent issues, and that especially applies to smoking. I can't light up anymore, I can't deep-breathe carcinogens. I can't scream every time someone pisses me off. Standing still, Honey, until urges are over, is ABOUT ALL I CAN DO. And look how well its working so far!:)


mysti said...

Tart please know that you can call me at anytime if you need a friends ear. ((((hugs))) Know that you are a blessing in my life. I am sorry you are so upset. I care very much.

'Tart said...

Thank you, Sweet. That is very wonderful of you and I know you mean it. ((((Hugs))) right back at 'cha! :)
Your Tart

Amanda said...

Sit very, very still until bad thoughts pass.