Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Chapter One: Cause I'm sure it's amusing.

Unh! Let me tell you about a common problem or faux pas that this bipolar commits every once in a while. Ready? Taking on waaaaay too many duties/challenges on at one time for myself.

Sounds like nothing right? That's where and why it becomes easy to do. But this one little thing is what is more likely to send me to the funny farm, or just turn me into a screaming banshee with everyone running for their life. Honestly the first (hospitalization) is worse for me. Being a screaming banshee is an admitted release, then after head hits the pillow for sedation I seem better in the morning.

For those who love lists, and complete and utter clarification, I will name the four things that are either simply occuring or I have done to myself to have plunged my life into living hell. For your information and sick enjoyment:

1. Christmas. Yes, that would be me as the sole person to think and do anything for 10 to 12 people that are not even blood linked to me. I will pinpoint this into 'Merry Christmas' as it is one day to impress a bunch of idiots and NOT 'Happy Holidays' because there's not too much happy about them for me that I can see. Do bipolar Jews get to drink and be stupid regardless of medication interaction? Then Chanukkuh's lookin' good to me. Happy Holiday to ya.

2. Like a fool I quit smoking. This is one thing that I am doing, a choice that I have forced upon myself. I have pointedly taken away something that at least at the time that I thought brought joy to me. Yes! I highly recommend torturing oneself in the middle of other activities that are ALMOST equally as torturous all together as a unit, as your main torture. I'm not asking for pity, I am asking for respect. I really believe I have found that I am one of the most monstrously strong individuals comprehensible. And I've realized that there's no one to give props or be proud of me or continue this but me, as there's nobody on Earth that relates to my downward pull into Hell, or the triumph that are my sometimes day to day moments. Why I tell any jerk on the Internet is cause I can. :) That is not to say I'm not appreciative of the people who know me and say something supportive - thank you, both of you. All a tough, bitchin' person needs is a couple of people like that and you rock.

3. I got a cold. Wouldn't it be bad enough just to have a cold, any time of the year, and just feel like smack? Only when I blow my nose hard do I realize my ears are plugged. So I try to only use the extra dopey stuff the Doc gave me at night so my senses aren't completely blunted but what a f*ck it is.

4. Couldn't get much worse, right ladies?! How about that Monthly Visitor? I couldn't make this sh*t up, yes, my period arrived on top of all the other crap. You thought my tirade concerning smoking was unwarranted? Please refer to concepts of me in Hell, once again pulling bootstraps up on own, although I would be such a bitch if I didn't admit prayer to God is what really pulls you up.

While we're talking about God, He's the only One anymore that I trust to discuss this to. Being the rageful biplar that I am He gets a lot of 'hate' mail too. I am mad. Why does he leave these big burdens on me with no one to talk to? I do have some loving friends but at 11 p.m. and later when I'm having an emergency I'm just too must of a thoughtful f*ck to bother them, and that's the truth. I'm pissed at the burden(s), and I'm pissed that I 'seem' to be left alone to shoulder them.

If you put yourself in my place, surely you can see how much sense that makes. Perhaps I should leave this as a warning, don't take on too much cr*p! Somehow, I think the sensible wouldn't dream of doing this to themselves and this will be a page out of my book in the chapter, "How to Make a Normie Laugh At Ya, Since They Know Better Than to OverBurden's Ones Self." Hey you saw it here first.


Raine said...

ok - the quitting smoking is enough all by itself. (Raine stands and gives an ovation)

Obsidian Kitten said...

congrats on quitting smoking!

i picked it up when i stopped drinking and doing drugs. (and that was, uh, almost 11 yrs ago now...)

feh, i'm such an addict! (and bipolar)

you are very brave, my dear.

and an inspiration to me.

God gets a fair amount of hate mail from me too, at times...I'm told God doesn't mind tho. =)

Cheesemeister said...

Hey, I do that one too! When I'm hypomanic, I'll say, "oh sure, I can do this, that, the other, plus whatever else you need." Then I crash. I've had to learn not to do it because I've had so many people wanting to string me up in the past for overcommitting and then letting them down.