Saturday, June 10, 2006

No more 6th Sense for me.

This may not be the post for all the moms out there, or for that matter the sane. Not meant to divide people but to express something going on with me right now. I probably should write this in Word and keep it to myself, but it looks like I'm not.

I just saw a bit of the "Sixth Sense" on TV and it freaked me out. Sure, it probably freaks regular normal people out too. But it made me feel like I was slipping into that psychotic mode. It makes it believable that the dead are walking around with us, for all I 'know' that might be true, I don't want to mess with that. But I quickly fell into weird feelings that I had when I was psychotic. After all psychotic is not normal, it is not in this reality.

I have often thought that it might be worthwhile to write, talk or discuss about being psychotic because I think that if I for one had not experienced it, it would be fascinating. I find it frightening, in truth. It is so terrifying, it is like being stuck in your worst fear or horror movie and no one can get you out.

I realize my medicine is human made to keep me in this world. I realize that the littlest things like not getting enough sleep or going to bed too late can jeopardize my mental health, make it possible for the terror to start again.

None of this is said for effect or to even explain, because I have the feeling that only people who have experienced it would know. I don't know anybody who's said they've been in the quiet room in the depths of hell. I'm thinking now I wish I did.

It's almost exploitive, like talking about personal stuff to talk about these things. Like I'm telling a secret. I don't want people to think I write this stuff cause its so cool to be crazy.

I guess that "Sixth Sense" thing made me feel like if a mass appeal movie like that can show a 'slipped reality' or make you feel the freakiness of walking around and being dead yet not even know it, then yes I admit I was/am feeling kind of like that too. And that's a little like psychotic where you are walking around with people and really truly are somewhere else. And being confused and believing things about yourself that well, reality says is not true. Yet, for you the unlucky psychotic, its true and real and there is not convincing otherwise.

What causes this I don't know, except brain chemicals I was born with and stress really does a doozy on it. I do know I usually have a policy of no horror movies none of it, because they are all potential fodder for the possible someday psychotic mill.

I wonder if anyone cares about this. I wonder if I wrote a book about such things if it would sell. On one hand you think, hell no, don't put your personal crap out there like that. On the other hand, my pittance of disability check is a little hard to swallow as a lifetime thing and when you write a book to sell, to publish the goal is the New York Times List and Oprah! Money is needed to live and I need something to do and focus on but I don't want to exploit my own frickin self! Hah!

I also wonder at the normie ability to comprehend. I think when my mentally ill friends and I say normie and bitch about him, we're thinking that they don't want to understand. It's really an emotional response in your gut to put yourself in another's place and care. I guess if a person has empathy, anything's possible.

Well, anyway, I do feel better because writing and having a head clear enough for it means I'm still on planet Earth with most of the folks. And that is where I truly prefer to be.


Enigma said...

well, i didn't really see anything in there that would make this post not for moms, but maybe you had originally thougth of going somewhere else... or maybe I missed a part. (that happens sometimes with me)
anyhow, that movie is freaky. I don't blame you one bit for turning it off.
As for the book, i'd say yeah. Write it. Go for it. I'd read it with great interest.

As for normies, I really can't speak for them (us?). But I can offer an oppinion. I think what some see as cruel and uncaring is really their fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of things different from them. Or maybe even fear of seeing themselves in the "ill". But I think even they would have interest in the book. It might answer question they don't have the nerve to ask - or just don't want to upset/offend by asking. And it wouldn't put them out of their comfort zone - no fear of someone "going crazy" right in front of you.

At least, that's just my perception of what some normies may be going through when they are showing the prejudice face-to-face.

so, yeah (did I get off subject? - sorry) I think you should write the book if that is something you want to do.

mysti said...

WEll said Enigma. I think you should write that book. It would be very interesting for everyone in my opinion. Another thought for you, besides making money on the book it could be a very healthy way to get your ideas, fears, and thoughts written. I was told I should write a book about my experiences. My counslor felt that it would not only benefit others, but me. It is a wonderful way to heal. The sixth sense freaked me out also, so I think that if a person tends not to like horror or suspense movies it is a normal reaction.

Raine said...

Heck teletubbies and the Burger King guy freak me out, why shouldnt a scary movie freak you out :P I would be very interested in reading anything you care to write about, anything you feel comfortable in sharing. Im not a "normie" but since I have understood that I am ill, and I have encountered others illnesses I make an effort to understand theirs too. Tho I have not been psychotic, my understanding is that it CAN happen at anytime to a bi-polar so that makes it of even MORE interest to me in particular.