Monday, June 19, 2006

It's My House Now! And I don't wanna party.

Having some fonts here and little color too, but still wishing I had more options from Word, since it has so many. Perhaps Blogger only accepts these few here in compose and I should be happy.

Well, today is a day to be remembered, marked, because I am now a homeowner. We went to closing today, and despite all my previous fears about not getting a loan, we did, and now its ours. I also spent some time today putting the utitilites in mine/our name so now I owe even more to the man. Well, some man somewhere! Hah!

Other than that, I'm just completely exhausted and slept a lot of the day. But I cooked an awesome chicken cacciatore for dinner (watch out Rachel Ray!) so Husband was impressed with that and my utility changing experience. Just goes to show you can do a little and still get your guilt free zzzzs in there too.

Truth: I'm premenstrual. So I don't attribute these things to falling apart. These things being: constantly tired, achey, feeling EVEN more fat than usual. And all of the emotional issues that can never be pulled apart from my natural person anyway.

So Husband's been bugging me to go see his friend and friend's wife in VA Beach. I don't WANNA go. I tell him to go by himself and we both know it will be a weekend of fixing everything for them that they can't do themselves. This is just unsaid on both parts but it is usually the case. THAT I don't care about. I don't want to be stuck with the wife while he plays/hangs out/fixes with the husband. We used to hang around them constantly while they lived in our area and I ALWAYS left with the most horrible feeling, like as nice as the dude's wife is essentially, she either looks down on me or is somehow weirded out by me. For YEARS, I thought I had done something, that I was, well for lack of a better way of putting it, a piece of shit. Horrible way to feel. Husband never got it, and always said I should feel fine about myself and that it doesn't matter what she thinks.

Of course, its a given that these people know about my bipolar. Why that has to be an issue I don't know cause A) It truly is none of their business. And B) I'm fun. What the heck, do they think I'm going to flip out or something? If I don't care to know their deepest darkest secret why should I be tortured or be made to feel less than for being a kick-ass survivor? I don't think they realize how great I am, just for the very illness itself. Well, I think the Husband of this couple knows (long story, and no this whole thing is not a jealousy thing concerning me cause she should be concerned with her husband's fascination with hooking up with old high school girlfriends which she is fully aware of - EW!) but wife just seems like an emotional dumbass. Just calling it the way I see it.

As years go on, I get pissed about it. Why would a seemingly nice normie act this way? What have I done or not done to deserve this misunderstanding? All I could think of was that I was more than nice, keeping my mouth shut even when I wanted to say something, and bending over such that people might think it's okay to take advantage of me. I think I do this because its been made clear that "we know you're not a normal person," and really that hurts and I really don't what the right reaction to that should be (except kiss off). And to tell the truth I'm afraid to be my real me with those people that I am at home and for my real friends and family.

I had an epiphany a few years ago, where I realized and could really feel that in fact, it is THAT person's fault and problem. I'd just like to smack her into reality but has anyone been able to perform this for any deeply entrenched snob? Nope. In movies they just get killed, cause there's no converting (no worries, I'm not in the murdering business.) Seriously, there is no changing another person. So how about avoid them, just to keep their jeebies out of your life?

I 'practiced' all the comebacks, all the things I'd want to say to the mirror, its that crazy thing I do when I get stressed and that's all I've got to talk to and work things out with. They just sound mean and vindictive and probably MAKE me look crazy.

This person, the wife, TELLS me all kinds of crap going on in her life. I don't want or feel that I can tell her things about mine. I don't know if this sharing that she does is her way of trying to pretend I'm her friend and have something to do, but many times it is excruciating. I'd just like to tell her that while I've been to many therapists, I am NOT one and perhaps she would be better off finding one. Nope, I just listen, no word from me and no desire on her part to hear me anyway (I gave up years ago). Her eyes literally go off in the distance if I speak.

I have nothing to talk to her about, especially at this point in my life. I do feel like a bit of a lowlife anyway, being at home all the time and not cleaning the dickens out of my house, or exercising, or drinking all my water, or eating better. Yeah, that pretty much covers the lowlife aspect of me.

Um, lets see, I'm on Disability, just fought a major battle to keep that intact, been home, not working, smoke a lot, and take care of my animals. The big difference between me expressing my life is that my friends and even the internet community care more about these things than this person.

No, no, no, No,NO, I do not want to go. Husband says, "You are my wife" (To which I should say, "Goodbye, City Life!") and that's why I should go. He has never understood my complete discomfort with these people. He doggedly, truly like a fool, keeps trying to bring us all together. Honestly, that's just a big landmine waiting to go off. I wonder if I should give them ALL something to be afraid of and they'll quit bugging me to participate. I'd just like to go to the beach and have a nice time, but he talks to this butthead friend of his everyday and I think Husband feels guilty if we don't visit.

I'm like can we wait to see them next year, when I've lost a bunch of weight and have it really together, I mean for a mentally ill person, and we can compete a little better. Cause face it, somehow that's what this is all about.

1 comment:

Enigma said...

hey, congrats on the colors!
And on the house!!! woohoo!

house warming party at Tarts
*eni passes out the Pampered Chef catalogs*

as for fonts, you can use word, i have done it before. make sure you paste in compose... you had it that one night, i think you can get it again...

as for the girl... I hope whatever you end up doing it all turns out better than it has in the past. maybe she is just insecure herself and not sure how to act because she has her own self doubts?