Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Hello Blog Friends

I've been a bit buttery - slippery in person, criey sometimes.

I'm going to have to give up the phentermine. It really is terrible stuff, at least for me, and I'll tell you why. As a bipolar I am so glad to say that it didn't make me go psychotic, because I stopped it. Yes, from the worst aspect in mood problems, this stuff was taking me there.

But of course, being the person who never wishes to give up, after a couple days off the drug I thought I was wrong and thought that it wouldn't hurt to go back on it. I had never lost so much weight for no reason before and how would I ever do it on my own? So I decided to try it again.

I am crying because I still feel so weak physically and mentally. I took that amphetamine (I mean phentermine) this morning and it will be the last time I ever do. I'm looking forward to stop shaking all the time, and I'm looking forward to having back my mind. Not feeling sad all the time.

So, I have felt sad a lot. And guilty a lot. Which I recognize as depression (is that a big duh or what! That's all I am these days, its seems silly to actually pinpoint it). I'm still so sad about my Dad. I hope in a few more days I will 'clear' a little as I literally have to get a drug out of my system, one that worsened sad feelings, I'm sure of it. I don't think I'm going to be healed when it's out because there's the panic I feel inside so much now. This is new for me, I'm learning to deal with it. I don't know what that's all about. It's scary. What the heck is panic or a enormous feeling of unease? Maybe that will go away too. I hope so. :)

Isn't it rotten how easily it is for me to forget how 'I was' just a little while ago? It must be a bipolar thing to forget so easily, one side of insanity or the other. Perhaps it makes it hurt less, either way. Joy that seems so fleeting, and sadness that is either so powerful that won't let go, surely Spring did not occur at all. It's Pain. Wouldn't you rather forget it all? Oh, except Spring did happen (you kind of recall, but it didn't last long anyway), so you're hanging on for that again.

Wow! To hang on, is that a fool or courageous individual? Give up entirely: you're dead, Stay on: You're here, still. Waiting to take on the next round. That IS courageous and we need to help each other to hold on.

I took my evening meds and I'm super tired and out of it. I probably should edit this better or take out something goofy but I'm putting it out there for the people that have wondered about me. This one's for you.

1 comment:

Raine said...

I was afraid that would happen. I'm sorry Tart. We love ya overweight or not. Even if you arent bi-polar its normal to crash after using that stuff. I had a friend who took it who wasnt bi-polar. she turned into megabitch and then when she stopped she was depressed for a while. I'm sorry it didnt work out hun.