D'pressant

A couple people expressed interest in my life (thank you guys for checking my 'pulse').

Basically, depressed. Your typical spend too much time in bed, dishes and clutter everywhere, if I go out it is a minor miracle, no friends, the computer and TV are now my best friends, not too sure the last date I took a shower and am not concerned. I don't make dinner and I don't feel guilty about it.

So, I do have a pulse and I am what they consider 'alive.' So worry not.

I 'think' this is because my Dad died and I think about it a lot. Also, the fact that I have no job and just can't decide if I really want one and if so WHAT I should do. It is utterly amazing that someone who has a college degree and has worked ALL their life, including a year and a half ago could just let themselves get this out of touch with everything. At this time, the depressive of this illness says 'Darling its just not going to get better this time.' If I were to have a surge of energy I would not know where to direct it. This not just a matter of no get up and go, but no gas and no direction.

In other words, I think this is a bad one and I really don't know what else to say.

I've read the stuff on Raine's blog. No matter what, Raine, I do believe you are bipolar and I do relate to feeling I can't work, even though I thought I could work, but now I know I can't work. I understand 'but I pull off normal so well' but 'no, no, I'm really not.' And yeah that USDA meat working sure sounded like a lot more money than 'Oo, got my gov't check today.' And you know what Raine? IT SUCKS!! It sucks, sucks, sucks. I will not lie to you, my Darling. I never do. I know people wish I would, but at least I've got my integrity. Nobody wants it, but I've got it!!

I'm hanging on. I have no plans to off myself. I am just hanging around and the only person I ever talk to is my Husband. He hates it and confuses me because I think he would prefer I did not speak to him but if you ask him, he denies it. I am waiting to see if it will get better, but I am not holding my breath. I don't recall depression being so depressive so if I get through this one it really will be one for the books.