Friday, July 20, 2007

Failing mental checkup

It’s hard for me to admit that I am doing really sucky these days. It’s a real lowy-low. Having lost my father is something that is on my mind all the time, and Mom has decided to go cross-country. So that’s it – it really feels like the parental units are gone. I have no friends to speak of except one who is hours away and very busy. But I am coming to understand the worst part is having nothing to do, certainly no identity or job description to claim. Now I need naps, I try to hide myself indoors, and even Spark People is becoming ‘no joy’ as I got so twisted up in that one thread and now feel further upset because I wrote a ‘Spark Mail’ letter to someone, and am hurt that I have received no reply. I want to quit SP, and I swear it’s already happening, I am quitting life.

In my last posts I wrote the angriest, vilest things swirling around in my mind. I think it’s because I just don’t care, there is no one anymore to say anything about it or stop me. A complete test of boundaries, mine or or the reader’s I don’t know. These are days of hanging by a thread. The most ‘getting done’ of anything for me is writing and then sending it to the Internet winds. If nothing else, it proves to me that I can still type.

I have no idea of what ‘stage of grief’ I am in. I don’t want to take anymore ‘vacations,’ I don’t want to go anywhere else. Not because I love my home but because all the going of somewhere’s have been for hellish reasons. I can’t believe that I could hold it together to speak at my Dad’s service, I guess I felt it necessary since, as usual, things were done differently, with no Pastor. I just feel like I’ve put up with so much, and can’t take anymore. I have reached the ‘keep breathing’ stage where daily success is measured in the fact that I am still here on Earth, not in an insane asylum, not in jail, and uninjured. We’re just so proud.