Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Not so Peaceful (Tomorrow I will be experiencing Rage. Come back and check!)

I said yesterday that I felt peaceful. That was because all I could do is sit around, mostly because of my eye issue. I have swelling below my right eye that makes me look a bit like a guppy or one of those bubble-eyed gold fish. I have a doctor's appt. for tomorrow! I can just see them saying, "Oh my, this should have been seen right away!" to which I will calmly say, "You'll have to talk to your staff about that. I told them what my problems were and they (she, okay, evil byotch) would only give an appt. 2 days out.

So today Husband finds out that he is "pre-Diabetic." They tell me this is different from being premenstrual which is good because I was starting to worry about him. I have been mulling about joining Nutrisystem. When I thought what to do about him and him his oft expressed desire for a home cooked meal for dinner, I figured, no sweat I'll cook for him too. After all, he goes out for lunch all the time, obviously my fault for not providing him one, so that's only one silly meal to worry about. Meanwhile, I could potentially lose weight on my lovely prepackaged items.

I have done everything. Jenny Craig - very expensive. Healthy Inspirations - please don't ever do this. I handed over $500 for a diet that I didn't even see before hand, they lied when I asked for a trainer (showed me the equipment and never spoke of it again.) To top it off, you will only see one person that lost the weight and kept it off in their ads- the only satisfied thinner customer- and she WORKS there! Of course there's Weight Watcher's - been to meetings, done it over the computer - I did lose 30 pounds once doing it online. Then I got engaged and I was stressed and it all went out the window and I was still a cow on my wedding day.

So Mom starts NutriSystem. We are all skeptical. She's lost around 40 pounds so far, at least. Then she got Dad on it, a Diabetic, Heart patient, Bipolar. He's been on it a few weeks, I talked to him yesterday and he says he feels like he's lost some weight already and he is still on it. I'm thinking, hunh, my doctors do everything but tell me I am going to die - no WAIT, one did tell me I will be dead in 7 years!- if I don't lose weight. I'm on 2, yes TWO blood pressure medications, Lipitor a cholesterol med, not to mention Thyroid med because my Lithium apparently screwed that up, as well as a couple of other psychotropics. I think it is safe to say that I need drastic measures, and that does NOT include cutting me open and massaging or doing anything to my stomach. It's a personal organ (Forrest Gump) and I am against cutting on my personal body. Cutting on my not-so-personal body - fine, that is what I do - but keep your surgical glov-ed hands off the rest.

Well as I mentioned, Husband found out about his pre-Diabetes status today. And he was upset. I could not pinpoint what it is he wanted from me, because I was getting the distinct feeling that he felt that I was his Mommy and I had either A) Let him down because I "let" him eat badly or did not provide things that were the perfect diet for him, or B) I am supposed to go to this class the doc told him about FOR him, so I would know how in the future to rectify this situation, since I must surely been some cause for it. Or I thought he just needed a hug, but he didn't like that either. So perhaps baby just needs his diaper changed because I am all out of guesses.

Oh, how can you be so mean Tart? Well, honey, for some inexplicable reason, food and its existence or non existence in our house gets to be a topic of unhappiness, along with my constant mulling of what to do about my excess flab. Nobody figures is out for ME! Now, FLYLady does this big thing on whining but she is FLYing out the window right now, because I am letting it OUT.

I was driven to a conversation with myself today where I stated and realized that I have done plenty of things for myself, by myself. While these last few months could easily have that scary stamp of "Lazy" on them, that in no way characterizes my previous life lived.

I have worked my ars off to SAVE MY SANITY. To get it back. To be the person that I was meant to be before it was ripped from me. I have done it TWICE. And the second time was six months in a state institution and you better bet that I remember working so HARD to COME BACK, while they were using my body for a guineau pig - trying every med slowly because they were afraid Evil Tart could return/ or it was just for their fun, who knows.

Most people have no idea of what terrifying, horrifying is. They need movies and rides to feel closer to psychotic. They would not know what to do with themselves if they were LOCKED in to psychotic and they would have NO CLUE as to how to get out, work themselves back to sanity, how to live with crazies and criminals all around them, to be treated cruelly by others just for being the weakest, my God, many people would be left there or some half way house for life because they are WEAK and could not take this kind of torture.

Honey, I literally pulled MYself up and out of that by MY own bootstraps. I had help, love from my family and a zillion answered begging prayers from God, but I did it MYself. If that is not strength, if that is not courage then those things don't exist. I do toot my own horn, because again, who the hell else is going to do it but ME? I think I have a right after experiencing hell a few times to share my knowledge/experience and for every person that likes a thrill I have a real nonfiction story full of 'em.

Then, I got out of hell hole #2 (my second release after a psychotic episode). I was 25! The age of so much joy and fun in life. So I bided my time in becoming less of a drooler, and decided I wanted to work! Now finally on disability I worked, getting paid nothing practically and I guarantee you that NO ONE knew I was bipolar, that 2 years before I was being shot up with Haldol and Thoriazine, I was a regular person!!!!! Hah! When I got tired of the job, what did I do? I WENT BACK TO SCHOOL! Taking only 2 classes a semester (less stress, very important) I went for FOUR MORE YEARS (I had already started school at age 19 and completed 3 or more years before being sick) to get my B.A. in English from a well-known university. *I* did that. It is so hard to be a decade older than all the other spoiled brats, no friends for four years, it did not matter - I had already done something in my little finger that most of those kids could never handle. I never said anything, I did not let on. But it was another example of a goal that nothing would make me quit on, so it didn't matter what anyone said or did or the subject of the class, nothing was going to stop me.

You don't know me, heck I struggle to understand myself, but I must have been a lion in my last life. When a male lion roars it is heard throughout the entire area that he lives, plus some. You better not mess with the head of the pride. He will fight to the death to protect what's his. There's a reason we associate courage with lions. Besides we both have gorgeous hair! :)

I *am* angry. I'm tired of being subjected even for a minute to the idea that I am just not doing anything. Darling I get my vacation, if it lasts for years I don't care. I don't owe anyone anything. I am realizing that I have some issues, that started BEfore I quit my last job. I'll be talking to UT about them and I truly hope someday to be able to designate her as simply T. Otherwise, she's out and I've got to search again.

So its a busy early afternoon, is it not! It's all about Me as my husband says. It's my blog too. Let him display his problems on his blog (which he'd die a thousand deaths, instead of having one). I imagine mine flailing in the wind like laundry on a spring day. At least it smells good when I bring it inside.

1 comment:

mysti said...

(((Tart))) You are courageous and brave my friend. You also deserve a pat on the back for all you have done, and been through. (((hugs))) again. I will talk with you soon my friend!~