Saturday, August 19, 2006

Bipolar killed the Self-Esteem (conjuring a "Ramones" beat)

Well all this 'aloneness' has given me even MORE time to think. I tried spilling my guts to DH, but as usual, the poor guy can't take it. He just can't listen to my overflowing, going on and on flavor of trying to get it all out. Not that I can blame him. UT wants to see me soon, and I know that even she cannot, even as a 'professional', listen to it all when I get like that, because A)there's just not enough time, B) there's not enough time, and C) her tag line is: Okay, you seem to be doing really well, your next appointment is...

The one big thing that I ponder, besides my anger at my lack of friends, is this connection between my Bipolar and my supposed low self-esteem. I give the bravado as much as I can, usually so angry in general, about how tough I am or whatever with this whole illness thing, and I seem so ready to join some ranks of kicking bottom and I'm gonna teach the whole world to sing Mental Illness, love thy neighbor, and Bipolar Rules! (Except for fakers. Find a place to rule elsewhere.

Well, anyway, I cannot deny that no matter I think of accomplishing in life, how I plan to handle people, that some part of me says, "You're Bipolar, you're weird, and because of this, you are lacking of some important internal element to succeed in life or get anything done."

Ouch. Talk about an internal negative voice (we all have one, but we're supposed to learn how to tame it)! Yes, I know about those things. I've been such an 'over-thinker' for years, trying to plan out stuff to the nth, or at least plan FOR things, my God, that can make you go crazy without a chemical imbalance.

I can FEEL that there is some shifting going on within. I am trying to push that shifting in a better direction, but I don't know if I can. And that tiny little paragraph above, its just my way of saying that I fear that I am doomed when so much must somehow be wrong with me. If I was diagnosed at 16, how do I continue to try to overcome this, when apparently it is so much a part of my personality (and how do you pull Bipolar apart from the rest of you? I think it cannot be done). It's like saying, "Oh my Dear, you really are damaged goods. do we pull you through this?

I feel that this is not expressing it. I have not hit upon the right wording that explains. I swear that I do not Feel depressed, mostly mad, and they say that's more like mania for me. But perhaps I go up and down. I find it so hard to ever figure out what even a day of emotion is for me. Maybe I'm just lazy, I should be monitoring myself, truly like a diabetic, and know at all times what my 'level' is. I wouldn't know where to begin.


mysti said...

Well Tart I think your wording is pretty good. Bipolar is kinda like fibro in the fact it is not okay to really talk about it, because it scares people off. I understand that. Not sure why people are afraid of those of us who are not feeling normal. I think your speaking out about what you are feeling, and the problems that bipolar presents in your life is a postive thing. I know it feels negative because in truth any illness is negative. Key is to not let others make you feel bad for having something you have no real control over... ( yeah yeah I am also talking to me when I tell you this) Illness of any kind flat out is not fun. Learning to live with that said illness and coming to terms with it takes a whole lot of time. I have had fibromyalgia for over 15 years! I still have not learned how to come to terms with it. Like I said I take it one day at a time. Some days it is one breath at a time. Somedays I do not deal well at all. I get angry, and frustrated, and want to scream at others that how in the world can they understand the pain I am dealing with. Emotions tend to overwhelm me on really bad days. A sort of Chemical imbalance happens I am told. I do not always behave in a very rational way due to those imbalances.

I guess what I am saying is that it is okay to not be okay. It is okay to talk about what one is feeling. Like you said on my blog "it is what you are dealing with" It is hard to be positive when one is constantly hurting. Whether it is emotional or physical or both! It is okay.


Now I am off to take a muscle relaxent and try and sleep for the next umpteen hours until my fibro pain lessons up some.

'Tart said...

Yes, it seems something to do with being able to admit we are human. I would think deep down inside, 'average' people would appreciate seeing an acceptance of lack of perfection, because none of us are. It's so hard to have a 'face' for the world, I try to avoid needing to as much as possible. For instance, my job proved too draining in this area. I am so glad you commented and I'm am sorry a sweetie like you is hurting so much. I hope your medication helps and a good snooze brings a better day.

Auntie D said...

Wow, what a wimp I am.I have been having the biggest of pity parties for myself this past week because I had a stone crusher procedure which turned out to be a week long torture and then I went to mysti's site and read and then got curious about your site and now I hang my head in shame. The bravery you both show and how awesome that you both face what you do as well as you do. I salute you both.

Raine said...

HAHAHA Mysti- everytime I am in line at the grocery store and the clerks asks " how are you?" I am sooooo tempted to answer. Someday I just might to see their jaws drop. What would they do if I say "well I am bi-polar and I in dysphoria and I am both depressed and angry and right now I hate you and everyone in this store and I cant stop pooping and nobody knows why- how are you?" LMAO but instead I say fine.You know I should post that eh? Hmmmm now what was I gonna say to Tart? I forgot honey- got distracted by Mysti's response. I'll have to read your blog again and remember LMAO

Raine said...

there is also a state called dysphoria ( a mixed state) I call is angry or ugly mania. kinda like depression and mania all mixed up. For the most I have quit worry bout getting anywhere and just try and live quietly and calmly as possible. The less stress I have the better I do. But when the "ugly mania" hits I do feel as you are now. (((((((Tart))))

mysti said...

Okay I had to go back over all the comments on your blog because of a post Raine made. I was hoping I did not say anything insensitive on your now I understand what raine meant.

Raine lol I think people should not ask how you are if they do not want a true and honest answer. I say shock

Aunt D You "were" in major Pain! Nothing to sneeze about that is for sure! You had every right to feel sorry, and complain!!!!!!
(((Aunt D)))

Tart I have not heard from you in awhile, how are you doing hun? Hopefully you are alright. Please let us know.

LOL I meant that question. I really do want to know.......

cheesemeister said...

I can relate. I wonder how I'd monitor my "levels" sometimes, because sometimes what I'd want to say is that I'm pissed off and crazy! Ahh, but sometimes I do like the hypomania...and I feel like I'm not supposed to. But who doesn't like feeling like everything is going to be GREAT even when all evidence points otherwise? Beats the crap out of being depressed!
I do hope you feel better. The irritability is crippling too. I always end up feeling really guilty for snapping at people.

'Tart said...

Well Cheesemeister, I would have to say that I am jealous of your hypomania. I still don't know what I'm feeling half the time, but it seems to be fits of near normal, of course, the lovely depression, or rotten irritability. I *think* the psychs are so afraid that I will become manic and speed into psychosis that they have drugged me with plenty of mood stabilizers to prevent the hypomania. I get very scared when I start to feel a little up, because in my experience it leads to crazytown. I'm glad you mentioned irritable, because I have returned to that state bigtime (although I swear its exacerbated by evil PMS). Thank you so much for the wishes of peace, as I can so use that right now. :)