From ok to irritable or 'Pushed to socialize, A bipolar moment'

Hello Campers!

Just to let you in on a bipolar moment, I really thought I was feeling fine and was percolating along 'normally.' I even talked to a friend on the phone yesterday, and I couldn't find anything negative to say about my life, that I recall, I know I seemed to be doing pretty well. That 'feeling' can switch so fast!

My 'job' is only two nights a week for a couple of hours. We bake things. Last night was the second night of doing so, a very complicated recipe compared to what we did the first night. Really complicated.

But it doesn't really matter, the lady I work with and her Mom are the sweetest people ever. Also, I like the process of baking and figuring out a recipe, even more than the end result! (I much rather eat a steak than sugar any day. I'm so afraid of being diabetic that I'm not really into sweets!)

The lady who runs this program and her Mom are super nice to work with, and seem to be very understanding of the little blips and problems that a mentally ill person has, while understanding that we can be so good at things. This program is specifically for mentally ill only, and the person in charge has an illness too, and her Mom has obviously been through it with her. So the whole thing really is a blessing in my life, that is not lost on me.

That's why its not such a big deal that I discovered that I have such a hard time with social skills, while working with these people. I wish I had the kind of normal life that I could talk about normal things to people about, whatever the heck that means. That's what it really comes down to!

I hesitated to even put this all on the blog, because it seems kind of stupid, or nothing compared to some problems. But I like to move on and get better, and I know this problem will not go away so easily and I hate anchors. I don't like knowing that I've got hangups that seem unsurmountable!

Thank God, these people are soooo understanding and truly nice to the bone, as that's the kind of people to find these things out about yourself, I think. But I was trying to talk, trying to communicate, trying to RELATE, and I could tell I wasn't coming across the way I was trying to come across. Or wished that I had something to come across about!

It's such a small thing really, but it got me into a funk. I think I've been manicy anyway, because I've been irritable, to tell you the truth, just for yesterday or so. You wouldn't know it that much because I don't talk that much, but one of my friends tells me that's a sign I'm not doing as well, if I'm quiet (if I don't talk a mile a minute, I guess!:)

It's so hard to explain this communication problem. I don't know how to convey 'me' to other people. Readers of my blog might feel like they 'know' me better than my attempts at trying to establish a relationship with real life people for the first time.

And the little things I mention might freak 'new' people out, like occasionally anxiety, illness (even though this program is specifically for the MI only! I swear they don't want to talk about it, there's still stigma in Somebody's mind! At least it seems that way. Or they want to pretend that they are as normal as possible, and I just want to let my hair down, But I can play their game.)

Luckily, they are primed to accept me the way I am, right off the bat, much more I think, than most people. Here I have written an entire missive on something so small, it amazes me!

I realize I am able to take care of myself and cook dinners for my husband, predominently. I'm not so interesting. The things that get me going and light me up in discussion are my dogs and talking about them, and that's just boring to some (probably a LOT of) people.

It's also very, very tiring for me to try to put on the 'happy face' for people. I do it instinctively, it's not something they make me do. To be around people also revs me, which is tiring.

All in all, I'm doing well, (and I attest that it's probably medicine keeping me so stable) but I'm tired even this minute, and it's just that I want to go to sleep for a while and it would be nice to shake off this feeling. What feeling is that? Check back with me in another 15 minutes!:)