Wednesday, July 9, 2008

From ok to irritable or 'Pushed to socialize, A bipolar moment'

Hello Campers!

Just to let you in on a bipolar moment, I really thought I was feeling fine and was percolating along 'normally.' I even talked to a friend on the phone yesterday, and I couldn't find anything negative to say about my life, that I recall, I know I seemed to be doing pretty well. That 'feeling' can switch so fast!

My 'job' is only two nights a week for a couple of hours. We bake things. Last night was the second night of doing so, a very complicated recipe compared to what we did the first night. Really complicated.

But it doesn't really matter, the lady I work with and her Mom are the sweetest people ever. Also, I like the process of baking and figuring out a recipe, even more than the end result! (I much rather eat a steak than sugar any day. I'm so afraid of being diabetic that I'm not really into sweets!)

The lady who runs this program and her Mom are super nice to work with, and seem to be very understanding of the little blips and problems that a mentally ill person has, while understanding that we can be so good at things. This program is specifically for mentally ill only, and the person in charge has an illness too, and her Mom has obviously been through it with her. So the whole thing really is a blessing in my life, that is not lost on me.

That's why its not such a big deal that I discovered that I have such a hard time with social skills, while working with these people. I wish I had the kind of normal life that I could talk about normal things to people about, whatever the heck that means. That's what it really comes down to!

I hesitated to even put this all on the blog, because it seems kind of stupid, or nothing compared to some problems. But I like to move on and get better, and I know this problem will not go away so easily and I hate anchors. I don't like knowing that I've got hangups that seem unsurmountable!

Thank God, these people are soooo understanding and truly nice to the bone, as that's the kind of people to find these things out about yourself, I think. But I was trying to talk, trying to communicate, trying to RELATE, and I could tell I wasn't coming across the way I was trying to come across. Or wished that I had something to come across about!

It's such a small thing really, but it got me into a funk. I think I've been manicy anyway, because I've been irritable, to tell you the truth, just for yesterday or so. You wouldn't know it that much because I don't talk that much, but one of my friends tells me that's a sign I'm not doing as well, if I'm quiet (if I don't talk a mile a minute, I guess!:)

It's so hard to explain this communication problem. I don't know how to convey 'me' to other people. Readers of my blog might feel like they 'know' me better than my attempts at trying to establish a relationship with real life people for the first time.

And the little things I mention might freak 'new' people out, like occasionally anxiety, illness (even though this program is specifically for the MI only! I swear they don't want to talk about it, there's still stigma in Somebody's mind! At least it seems that way. Or they want to pretend that they are as normal as possible, and I just want to let my hair down, But I can play their game.)

Luckily, they are primed to accept me the way I am, right off the bat, much more I think, than most people. Here I have written an entire missive on something so small, it amazes me!

I realize I am able to take care of myself and cook dinners for my husband, predominently. I'm not so interesting. The things that get me going and light me up in discussion are my dogs and talking about them, and that's just boring to some (probably a LOT of) people.

It's also very, very tiring for me to try to put on the 'happy face' for people. I do it instinctively, it's not something they make me do. To be around people also revs me, which is tiring.

All in all, I'm doing well, (and I attest that it's probably medicine keeping me so stable) but I'm tired even this minute, and it's just that I want to go to sleep for a while and it would be nice to shake off this feeling. What feeling is that? Check back with me in another 15 minutes!:)


Hopefulsl said...

Hey Tart!
I thought to myself, while laughing and of course not laughing at you!!!!
When you made the comment about being normal.... Well, i believe that nobody is normal!!!!
We all have our own personality, and who says they are more normal than other people. I personally laugh when i hear someone say (Boy aren't they a strange couple or isn't that person weird!!!) Do you know what i say to that??
I tell them that they probally are thinking the same about us.....
GIGGLE,GIGGLE. So i say to you, please don't feel that way about yourself. Always keep your head up and that smile on and just tell yourself that you are a wonderful person. God knows that right!!!!
And its o.k to talk about your dogs, i talk about our dogs all the time. I always say how hard of a life they have. I say that with a smile. They are the lucky ones aren't they!!
Anyway, hang in there o.k....
Love Stacy

Tracy said...

Tart My twin and i had the same thought i think. (haha twins, now talk about weird! Stacy and i have had some pretty abnormal things happen mentally between the two of us! Maybe we should write a post on those strange things that only happen with twins.) Anyhowwww... the thought is what is normal? I read this post and thought hmmmm you really could be writing for me. I related , truly related. Society has us all convinced to be "Normal" is to act such and such way. What is Normal really?????

I did not write about my drawing class on Saturday because i am still recovering. I had this really bad day truth be told. Most people can take a class and do ok. For me I stress........ I big time stress. In fact some times a class can be so stressful i leave in tears, am shaking, and totally sick to my stomach. I do not communicate well with other people, especially people i do not know. I had a really hard time in dealing in this class. My drawing totally shows it to. Something triggered me right off, and i was a mess the entire class! I kept thinking this is so not normal! Most people do not have these problems i do! I guess that makes you and i the same. What i figured out later is that most people have an area in their lives where they struggle with. Whether if it is communicating with others, or something entirely different.

Anyhow this became a post instead of a comment, and i am not even done! lmao
Know you are not alone, and you are normal for who the Tart is! You. Every one of us are exactly perfect in God's eyes......



'Tart said...

To Stacy & Tracy,
Thank you for your comments, you're both lovely ladies! LOL, Stacy I know our dogs have a wonderful life and I just love my cuties to pieces!

Thank you both for the discussion of 'normal.' I have often wondered just what that is! And if I'm ever getting closer to it! (And not farther away from it! ha ha!) Thank you for the positives that you have expressed here, it's really great!

I wish you both Hugs & Blessings, and I hope Tracy that you keep going to your class. We will both find a way to enjoy ourselves through our activities (me baking 'class,' you painting class) even though it stresses us. I think it will all turn out well in the end!

Canopy Above said...

Hi there.

Maybe it's a confidence thing? When I was unwell and out of work for a long time I felt like a real dork in front of both strangers and people I knew. I'd stutter and stammer, blush and feel like I was coming across as a real moron. Some of it was because I was sick. Some of it was because I was out of practice. But most of it was because I had lost my confidence and every dismal attempt to be social just reinforced my low self esteem.

But, now I am doing better and I actually feel comfy around people. To those who know me they'd describe me as self-assured. So it is possible to get to a point of being comfy with others. I wish you vibes of peacefulness when encountering others.

Mary said...

Hi Tart: Writing about your dogs wouldn't be boring, at least not for me, I have 2. Being normal is whatever normal is to that person. We all see normal in a different light. Sometimes we pretend to be "normal" in the eyes of others so that they will accept us the way they want to see us. are normal, just as I am, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise..take care..Mary

'Tart said...

Dear canopy above,
Thank you for those vibes of peacefulness! I will think about that when socializing again.:)

Dear Mary,
Aren't dogs such blessings?! My animals cheer me so and I think they are beautiful souls. Thank you for your kind words. You take care, too!

Denise said...

I had a flash back of many years ago while reading your post...... We all have the inherent desire to please other people and in doing so we are so willing to alter who we are to do that..... I was the QUEEN of human chameleon for so many years..... I was so wanting people to love me I would sacrifice who I really was..... the only thing wrong with that was that I was altering for a variety of people , thus I never had the opportunity to just be me..... Over the years I got lost in my world and lost my idenity........ One night while crying out to God .... I so needed His help and I cried out to Him and cried out to Him....... and in the stillness of the night He spoke..... and His words would shock me so bad....... His words to me were "Who are You?" Oh my gosh..... Who Am I , you know who I am ...I'm Denise one of your kids!!!!!!!! Again in my spirit..... Who are you..? and in my spirit man I instantly knew what my Father God was trying to make me understand....
You see...... He created us and He wants us just as we are..... regardless of others idea of who we should be...... He knows your name and the sound of your voice and the color of your eyes.....He knows your weakness and your fears... and He knows YOU... and it is the YOU that He created and it is the YOU that He loves!!!!!! You be you........ He loves that...

Hope this made sense to you.....

Hugs !!

'Tart said...

Dear Denise,
I think that does make sense to me. I'm a chameleon too, and must take breathers from changing too much for people or I would fear losing myself too, I can very much relate to that.

Thank you for the reminder of what Heavenly Father knows about us (Everything!) and His pure acceptance of us. It is such a struggle sometimes to even imagine His incredible love, and to accept ourselves the way that He does, I think so many people can relate to that, and I'm glad that you have iterated it so well here.
Hugs & Blessings to you,:)