Monday, June 30, 2008

Listening to the inner voice.:) (Revised 7-4-08)

Apples (& cores), Webshots

I received one of the very nicest, most heart felt and loving emails today. It came from a wonderful blogger friend.:) It brought me such joy and tears that I printed it to keep it near me.:)

She reminded me of what I said from the beginning of this blog - that I hope that I can help even one person with this blog, reaching to who knows where.

I hope I can help people feel not so alone, as many of us travail in the dark half the time. I try to do this just by being me, I still tell you all my 'slob' stories, in other words express my humanity. Just be me. That's how I try to help. Sometimes, I probably give self-righteous sounding 'advice' that doesn't quite hit the mark. But I try to stay positive, which I believe in very much.:)

This friend made me remember that I do have something to say. You see, I suffer from a real chronic illness, and some people have very little sympathy for it. But I know I have it, and a lot of us have it or wonder if they have it, and would feel comforted to read the daily travails of a bipolar. As least, I think so.

I don't need sympathy exactly, but I too, like to know that I'm not alone. And I am supported by friends and family and when the sad times come, and they do (of course, and I hate sad times that I can't figure out a 'reason' for, and then I simply have to say, "Oh, that's the illness, Duh on me!"), I work through them. Sometimes, just continuing to breathe makes me a winner.

I keep to myself most of the time in the real-world, mostly because I'm just plain comfortable that way, and because sometimes when I doooo go out, like last night, it feels like I (hopefully only temporarily) lose faith in people. My computer is so much kinder. So is the telephone.

I want to give a shout out to all the Mom's out there who are dealing with this illness with their children. The mother bears who fight for their cubs, against a cruel world.

You see, I have a Mom like that, and I had a Dad like that too. Long story, and neither of my parents were perfect, but they turned out to be perfect for me, and were there (and still are) when I needed them most, like a beacon in a storm.

I don't have children and the best example I have known of a Mom handling bipolar in a child is what I've seen of my Mom. My Mom didn't want me to get involved with the 'system' she wanted to keep me safe at home, but eventually I was too sick for it to work out that way. She fought for me. When I was sick in my 20's my Dad was a huge comfort to me, like angel, and I won't forget it.

If you are searching for what to do for your child, you can talk to doctors, you can take or allow the system to take your child to facilities (and don't be afraid to do it, if its needed) you can read books at some point when its not all crisis and you have time, you can be lucky to talk to someone who's been through this, but I really believe most of all - That you must follow your heart, your insides, and do what you think is right. You must LISTEN to that voice within and try to throw away fears to not follow it, ask questions sure, but you make the decisions that you can live with. And I for one, encourage you to follow that voice within.

Inside, you KNOW what the right things might be, you need help to make the right decisions, but in the end it's the voice within that rules! Some people call it God. I do.

Trust your instincts. You should be given massive props for doing so, because it's an unimaginably difficult job. :)

I received 'props' from my Mom today for going to that 'party,' and I received it from you guys here on the blog too (thank you so much for that!:) It means so much to be supported by people, to feel love, when I somehow feel like a weird outcast around some people at that 'party', people who PRETEND to be loving, understanding people.

Or more truthfully, some people THINK they are loving or nice, but are so stunted in their growth as human beings, instead, that I can barely stand being judged by THAT!

It takes a lot of patience and boredom on my part to put up with it. And certain persons have called me names, like 'Oh, you are weird!" as though that were acceptable to say. Would "Oh, you ARE a prissy princess!" be acceptable? Why not?

In the end its just too much anger to hold onto. I've got to let it go. If the other person can't let it go, then it's their problem. But I am trying.

So, as usual, I digress, because you let me.:) I hope dear reader, that I Can be of some help to you, it's what I hope to do.:)

Alright, blogger land, let's have a good week! I wish it for all of you!




Tracy said...

Hugs Sweet Tart. :) It is not acceptable for anyone to say you are wierd. Holy Moly that would floor me also! In fact that would get my protective instincts right up! I would also want to smack who ever said such. Sheesh.

I know in my heart you are and will continue to help others here on your blog... You also should write that book. It would bless so many I am sure.

Love ya,

'Tart said...

Hey Tracy,
Luckily it did not happen last night to my face being called weird. That was just one of the many 'infractions' that occurred over the years by this person. You should have seen her face when I walked into this party, she didn't even smile at me or try to pretend to 'play nice.'

Over time, I have learned that despite what she may have going for her, which is predominantly in her mind, (I know that sounds mean but she's very uppity and I FEEL like she looks down on me) it's HER with the problem.

What I'm fuming about is: Wasn't told it was a birthday party, complete with 10 other people, wasn't prepared with a gift, which makes you feel a little bad, walked in and the rooms were segregated into women inside, men outside. Guess what? I went outside with my husband and had what I am sure is a much better time talking about movies, and silly stuff, rather than get grilled by a bunch of mostly pretentious people inside. I'm not letting my invitation turn me into a human grill, if I can help it.:)

Husband says I'm 'getting better' about these things. What the? All I know is it still takes me days to get over it. I told him today it's very hard for me to 'keep it real' in the face of all that. It makes me doubt myself a little and I hate feeling that way. Hate it! But I'll recover, just like I always do.

Thanks for listening to my tirade.