Sunday, June 15, 2008

Hello, I'm angry.

I AM angry that I still shake. And I am sick of anxiety.

Once again, we return to thoughts of how chemicals (pills) affect the chemicals in your brain. They, meaning the pdoc and those who see fit, find that the chemicals that they embrace for me do better for me than all these pesky side effects. After all, THEY are not experiencing them.

And that brings to mind, how utterly annoying it is to be in the throes, verily, the shackles of what those drugs do. You give me a pill, it does one thing to me. You give me a pill to counteract it, it does something else.

Only people that have to go through this only the daily f*n basis of this, as I do, do I see can understand this.

There are people told to take drugs and they won't do it. There are people, like me, that take the drugs exactly as told, at the exact times prescribed, the whole shebang, and continue to suffer.

And so we are supposed to suffer as my friend Tracy wrote in a post, but you know what? It sucks. No matter if the world would think your suffering nothing, by the way, and you consider it considerable, you DO have something in common with everyone else, but I find mine so polarizing, so unusual, so having of so few people who give a damn, have it, or have it and share it, that once again, I'm just going to put on my Wonder Woman face and say I've done a good job, pat myself on the back and probably not have anything to say on the blog for a while.


Jena said...

I am so sorry to hear about your anger and the uncomfort you have been having, and the meds, and the physicians who don't understand. I hope things look up for you soon. Love, Jena

Tracy said...

I am sorry you are angry Tart, and if it was my post that made you that way i am even sorrier. The suffering i talk about in my post wasn't meant to upset, confuse or put doubt into anyones heart. It obviously did as the ones who commented implied. The post itself really was not about suffering, it was about drawing closer to the Lord, even through suffering, and confusion. It was about feeling complete in the Lords love.

I have to take the boys to the doctors today for physicals. Last time we went the doctor had an emergency and we had to reschedule. So this morning will be spent at the doctors, and since it is such a glorious day I am thinking of buying sandwiches at subway and going to the beach for a few hours.

Hugs and know I love ya!

'Tart said...

Dear Jena - thank you for your words of encouragement.:) I hope things are going well for you, and I appreciate your comments.:)Hugs to you!:)

Tracy - Aw, I love ya too! And one of the best things about your post was, in my eyes, the pointing out of how we ALL share in a particular truth - that is, we ALL Suffer in some way and that truth I believe binds us together. (Just like my belief that we all appreciate knowing that everyone is human, regardless of the facade they put on, its a similar thought). It's a common human thread.

I know that you were speaking directly about the longings that many, many of us have, and how suffering brings us closer to the Lord, and that the Lord longs for us to long for him, as well.

I also admit to 'using' some of your post to back up my selfish ranting about my problems, and for that I'm sorry and say so publicly. But I also admit that I felt the way I described and for that I'll just always be 'tart.' But I still love ya! And send hugs your way.:)