Quick! Look at June 30th's 'Pug A Day!' widget

It's so cute! Awww! Love them pugs!

Listening to the inner voice.:) (Revised 7-4-08)

Apples (& cores), Webshots

I received one of the very nicest, most heart felt and loving emails today. It came from a wonderful blogger friend.:) It brought me such joy and tears that I printed it to keep it near me.:)

She reminded me of what I said from the beginning of this blog - that I hope that I can help even one person with this blog, reaching to who knows where.

I hope I can help people feel not so alone, as many of us travail in the dark half the time. I try to do this just by being me, I still tell you all my 'slob' stories, in other words express my humanity. Just be me. That's how I try to help. Sometimes, I probably give self-righteous sounding 'advice' that doesn't quite hit the mark. But I try to stay positive, which I believe in very much.:)

This friend made me remember that I do have something to say. You see, I suffer from a real chronic illness, and some people have very little sympathy for it. But I know I have it, and a lot of us have it or wonder if they have it, and would feel comforted to read the daily travails of a bipolar. As least, I think so.

I don't need sympathy exactly, but I too, like to know that I'm not alone. And I am supported by friends and family and when the sad times come, and they do (of course, and I hate sad times that I can't figure out a 'reason' for, and then I simply have to say, "Oh, that's the illness, Duh on me!"), I work through them. Sometimes, just continuing to breathe makes me a winner.

I keep to myself most of the time in the real-world, mostly because I'm just plain comfortable that way, and because sometimes when I doooo go out, like last night, it feels like I (hopefully only temporarily) lose faith in people. My computer is so much kinder. So is the telephone.

I want to give a shout out to all the Mom's out there who are dealing with this illness with their children. The mother bears who fight for their cubs, against a cruel world.

You see, I have a Mom like that, and I had a Dad like that too. Long story, and neither of my parents were perfect, but they turned out to be perfect for me, and were there (and still are) when I needed them most, like a beacon in a storm.

I don't have children and the best example I have known of a Mom handling bipolar in a child is what I've seen of my Mom. My Mom didn't want me to get involved with the 'system' she wanted to keep me safe at home, but eventually I was too sick for it to work out that way. She fought for me. When I was sick in my 20's my Dad was a huge comfort to me, like angel, and I won't forget it.

If you are searching for what to do for your child, you can talk to doctors, you can take or allow the system to take your child to facilities (and don't be afraid to do it, if its needed) you can read books at some point when its not all crisis and you have time, you can be lucky to talk to someone who's been through this, but I really believe most of all - That you must follow your heart, your insides, and do what you think is right. You must LISTEN to that voice within and try to throw away fears to not follow it, ask questions sure, but you make the decisions that you can live with. And I for one, encourage you to follow that voice within.

Inside, you KNOW what the right things might be, you need help to make the right decisions, but in the end it's the voice within that rules! Some people call it God. I do.

Trust your instincts. You should be given massive props for doing so, because it's an unimaginably difficult job. :)

I received 'props' from my Mom today for going to that 'party,' and I received it from you guys here on the blog too (thank you so much for that!:) It means so much to be supported by people, to feel love, when I somehow feel like a weird outcast around some people at that 'party', people who PRETEND to be loving, understanding people.

Or more truthfully, some people THINK they are loving or nice, but are so stunted in their growth as human beings, instead, that I can barely stand being judged by THAT!

It takes a lot of patience and boredom on my part to put up with it. And certain persons have called me names, like 'Oh, you are weird!" as though that were acceptable to say. Would "Oh, you ARE a prissy princess!" be acceptable? Why not?

In the end its just too much anger to hold onto. I've got to let it go. If the other person can't let it go, then it's their problem. But I am trying.

So, as usual, I digress, because you let me.:) I hope dear reader, that I Can be of some help to you, it's what I hope to do.:)

Alright, blogger land, let's have a good week! I wish it for all of you!

Love,

Tart

I survived a social outing! (that I was dreading.)

It's such a long story as to why it's so painful for me but suffice to say, I went to a birthday party (sans present, because I was told two days ago, and didn't KNOW this was a birthday party!) where a person that I pretty much have bad feelings about also attended. I have good reason to not like this person but I will not go into it now. And I noticed that this person avoided me like the plague as well, even though I walked in cheerful and talkative and trying to be engaged in the conversation.

You know when you go to one of those stuffy joints, with stuffy people and just feel uncomfortable the whole time? That's how I felt. I could barely eat, even though the food was good, but, whatever. I hated the fact that I shook while eating, but whatever. (I shake because of meds, but I notice it and feel embarrassed. So that's uncomfortable. My husband ignores it, but I don't know how much it freaks other people out.)

BUT, I went out. I went over there. I DID engage in some conversations, and listened and did not butt in on many of them! In other words, dear friends, I tried to act normal. If normal is being quiet (and acting shy) when you're not necessarily. It's like you don't want to speak because I'll be embarrassing myself, even though people talked about plenty of inappropriate-you'd-think-it-would- be- party-killers-things. It about killed me, but I was as normal as I could be. And it was brave for me. I knew I was afraid to go, I had been avoiding it all weekend and I went anyway.

Spread the Love...

:) Tart
(P.S. - Check out my blog of joyousness for more updates.:)

I'm going to the pool tomorrow!

I am all excited for this seemingly small to some people excursion that my Mom and I are taking, well, to the pool.

It's one of these places that have classes, lap lanes, etc. I feel quite pessimistic about just showing up and paying for a whole year for some place I haven't been to in quite a long time, so I'm pleased that they have day passes and its a nominal fee and that's what I'm prepared to pay for tomorrow.

To make it more fun, I have gone to a local sporting goods store and picked out inexpensive adjustable goggles and a spandex-type swimming cap. I don't think I can figure out how to get the latex kind on my noggin' and I've tried everything out now and they fit just fine! I look so retro 1920's, at least head wise, and I imagine I will when I put my suit on, because I think I'm going to wear the one with the skirt. (It's the first skirted suit we ever bought for me, and my family compliments me on it, which makes me think why didn't I think of hiding my thighs years ago!?:)

One of the few exercising 'regimines' that I enjoyed as a youth, or even did was Swim Team. I did it one summer, between freshman and sophomore year in high school, and never was a competitive genius (I won one heat ever in competition) and got to the point where I was so nervous to jump in during competition that I gave up competition near the end of the summer and just went to practice everyday, because I loved it. I knew something spectacular had happened after that because I could RUN in P.E. the following year.

So I'm no stranger to goggles or a lap lane, or swimming for that matter. I have my issues with breathing, believe it or not, so maybe I'll get over that. But before I let myself take a lane I'm going to do water aerobics with all the 'fat' ladies and try to have a ball and 'feel the burn.' Cause that's what it's all about.:)

Mia graduates intermediate puppy school today

and I am not there, mostly because I can't even take a picture with a camera in public without shaking. And that place makes me nervous, as if I wasn't enough already. My first pug nearly went out the door once years ago, and I hate watching the 'running thru the aisles' thing. So husband's a little pissed that I didn't show. I think he'll get over it.

Yes, she does have a harness for the car, much like this one above. Doesn't always wear it though. And she never looks This Relaxed!:)

I am in between medications, coming down from a higher Abilify to a lower dose. I still feel a little shake in the left hand and the jaw and the legs are restless. I am able to tolerate people well, and am considering going into the community more and joining things. Considering. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.:)

Have a great weekend!

Hello, I'm better.

Drops on Passion Flower tendrels, Italy, Webshots

After leaving yesterday's Scathing Post about my personal anger, and having a snit/whining moment, I will report that I am feeling better, and I better post it!:)

Went to the pdoc today and They are LOWERING MY ABILIFY!!! This is what we (husband & I) originally wanted but, I played gunea pig, the Game if you will, properly and I finally get the stuff lowered, as I wanted after weeks of being given Atenolol to cover up the shake. Now I'm on higher Atenolol, and today, lower Abilify. Compared to jiggle/wiggle/and shake I'm hoping for a better outcome than the last previous months.

So that is the source of my 'better.' Hopefulness that I will get the 'good' of bipolar abilify and less of the side effect bad. And that I was finally listened to.:)

Thanks for listening to my whining, blogworld. You all deserve a good day, and I'm wishing it for you.:)

Yours,

Tart

Hello, I'm angry.

I AM angry that I still shake. And I am sick of anxiety.

Once again, we return to thoughts of how chemicals (pills) affect the chemicals in your brain. They, meaning the pdoc and those who see fit, find that the chemicals that they embrace for me do better for me than all these pesky side effects. After all, THEY are not experiencing them.

And that brings to mind, how utterly annoying it is to be in the throes, verily, the shackles of what those drugs do. You give me a pill, it does one thing to me. You give me a pill to counteract it, it does something else.

Only people that have to go through this only the daily f*n basis of this, as I do, do I see can understand this.

There are people told to take drugs and they won't do it. There are people, like me, that take the drugs exactly as told, at the exact times prescribed, the whole shebang, and continue to suffer.

And so we are supposed to suffer as my friend Tracy wrote in a post, but you know what? It sucks. No matter if the world would think your suffering nothing, by the way, and you consider it considerable, you DO have something in common with everyone else, but I find mine so polarizing, so unusual, so having of so few people who give a damn, have it, or have it and share it, that once again, I'm just going to put on my Wonder Woman face and say I've done a good job, pat myself on the back and probably not have anything to say on the blog for a while.

Happy Father's Day

I had a nice Father's Day, getting to see my parents in law this weekend. Although I could not see my Dad (on earth again), it was nice to see my husband's dad, who is a very nice person. I think he understood it was nice for me to get to hug 'someone's' dad for the occasion.:)

I have been upped to more Atenenol, as I expected from the pdoc. This has not changed much, because I am still on Abilify and still have a left hand shake, jaw shake and anxiety.

Thanks to those of you who still check on the blog, even minus comments. I 'knows' you're there. Carry on.

Going Retro: The New York Times has been good to me today.

The New York Times in email, that anyone can sign up for, often prints a 'This Day in History' blurb on the bottom.

I love yesterday's (I couldn't get it here in time to be yesterday's post). It's from the McCarthy era, where the jerk blacklisted tons of people in a 'witch hunt' over Communism. In a classy way, he was put in his place, as only a 1950's proper person could do:

"On June 9, 1954, Army counsel Joseph N. Welch confronted Sen.
Joseph R. McCarthy during the Senate-Army Hearings over McCarthy's attack on a
member of Welch's law firm, Frederick G. Fisher. Said Welch: ``Have you no sense
of decency, sir? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?''"

Only in the 50's could being reminded of your lack of decency put you in your place.

Then today, I read about 'true divas,' the beautiful and mysterious, gorgeous Sophia Loren and Catherine Deneuve, who are having box sets of little known movies of theirs coming out soon. See here to go to the page in the NYT's talking all bits juicy about the two. I love the older, retro Hollywood, and the actresses that put it on the map.

The online Siamese rescue is for real!

Siamese cat pics, off the web

I was reading in a magazine for animals and it was talking about one the saddest, meanest and greediest scams there are out there: reprehensible people who 'sell' animals online, many times sight unseen, to unsuspecting buyers, often scamming them by taking wire transfers, giving no dog or animal or coming from puppy mills. (Don't get me started).

Please don't buy your next pet online, sight unseen for certain. That said, I had a WONDERful experience when I RESCUED a cat online. Specifically with the near insane cat people of the Siamese cat rescue site http://www.siameserescue.org/ . I found them online, Googling, just like every person who's looking does.

These people grilled me, wanted references and everything but my personal DNA and firstborn child (well, they paired me with a cat that doesn't like children, hence we get along so well. I mean HE doesn't like children, and I happen to not have any! Hee hee).

It was clear that they were real, I had an interview, on the telephone, several times, with my specific interviewer, I talked with the foster, and these people are not only thorough, they are Cat People and nearly insane.

My husband and vet can attest to this. They insisted on my vet filling out a form, as well, and a plethora of checks and balances to make sure that I, I was the proper fit for 'their' cat and not, by God, the other way around. (I take that back. They actually rejected my first requests for a specific cat or two because it didn't match what I was looking for, and they knew that neither I or the cat would be happy until the right match was made.)

That's real love, for the cats of course! And THAT is people after my own heart. After two years of having him, they still want the vet to check him every year and they like contact with my kitty. I was never really put off by this process, more amused than anything. And excited. Because I got my Siamese kitty and he is a BEAUT!

My kitty was a mid-westerner, dropped off at an SPCA there, then had a doting, loving and wonderful foster meowmy that I still send pictures to this day who lived states away from his origins and myself.

When it finally came time to get my kitty, Husband and I drove and stayed in a hotel (our choice, to save them gas and time, even way back then) and met the Siamese (Meezer) Express the next day to receive our kitty. They try very hard to keep the cat within certain state zones to reduce trauma on the cat.

I know that some people are put off by the whole process, and all I can say is "Good." I'd rather the process weed out the impatient, greedy people who can't wait in line in a store, or fill out paperwork and wait for a process, much less wait for their puurrrfect kitty, a living being that has already been through too much. Period and really.

I made a 'donation' to get one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen (and my vet is stunned and glories in my cat's beauty each visit), and it was worth it because the work they do is just phenomenol, rescuing cats in MUCH worse condition that mine was, much more abused, much more traumatized (and mine is still and always will be a little 'jumpy' - I think its just his way).

It takes a special person to want and to be able to live with a Siamese. Sure, they are beautiful, but not only do you have to take care of a cat, you get a talker with hair (and sometimes fangs. Mine has fangoras). I know a true Siamese is a short hair, but think of your allergies, think of the time it takes to clean that pooh box, think of well...everything. Know he will get sick someday or sooner, and You Are Responsible for his life.

Well enough said, I wanted to give a shout out to a classy online agency that really does care for animals, http://www.siameserescue.org/ and my personal experience with it.

I'm out for now. Pleasant day, all!

Tart:)

Once a Wonder Woman always a Wonder Woman!

See here for a Yahoo article on Lynda Carter finding a body in Washington, D.C., with no cellphone, and doing the right thing!

Have you ever wondered about my fascination with Lynda Carter, or the (I assume) Marvel character of Wonder Woman, that she played in the 70's show of that name? I was 5 when that was on TV and I LOVED her. I loved the show, I loved the character, I loved the first comic book that the tooth fairy left me (Thanks Mom!), and over the years I loved what a classy lady Ms. Carter turned out to be. She's got a lot to live up to and I think she almost supercedes her character!

This morning on Yahoo I was reminded of her fair-minded ways, doing the proper thing. And no Miss Wonder, Miss Wonder Woman, not everyone does the right things. I love you.
Again, see here.

We have Ticks!

I'm talking the real deal. I just found tick number 7 or so crawling up my leg in my office as I blogged (the dogs come in here). I immediately flushed it down the toilet, then called Husband to report and get upset to.

Ticks are disgusting.

I have a photo of one that we caught about a month ago and were saving for the vet. We like to do that even though most of them are the same - with the white spot on the back. I've searched my hard drive, I can't find that very hard to see tick in a plastic bag photo. Sorry!

I've had them crawling on me, I had one trying to attach to my tummy - GROSS! We've found one on my little black pug, and I think another attached to her and now this crawling on me. So maybe that's Only five, but it feels like Waaaaaay toooo many!

I just put Frontline Plus on them both yesterday so this may be a sign that it's working! I don't want them to have ticks, but I hate them on me too. The little black pug, Mia, is ALLERGIC to flea bites (she does not Have fleas, she just is in distress when she gets one little bite) so the vet suggested deet on her tail and ears only (not face of course, precious beast). Oh the travails of summer!

(I may have to take a Clonapin, search myself again for ticks, and take a rest. This is revving me up waaay to much.)

Extra Movements

I am feeling even, but the left hand is shaky and I am SO RESTLESS. That's my physical update.

The restlessness makes sitting still and sleeping nearly impossible. It's not that I have all this extra energy I just have EXTRA MOVEMENT!! So sometimes I get on the 2 exercise equipment we have here at home and have at it. (a recumbent bike and an elliptical) Or I just sit/stand and move too much. We still think its the Abilify. I'm off Lithium.

I've been thinking of working again. Maybe that's a crazy thought, I don't know. I actually tried for a job for transcription but it all went down the drain when I wouldn't do 40 hours, 8 hours a day. But I thought maybe the County could do something for me again. So I think about it.

Every day I wake up, it's a chance for change. There's points in the day where I realize how lucky I am, to have (really good, as my friend puts it) food, or time to look at things, or listen to music.

And here's a good thing that's almost something to write on my Good Stuff blog (www.jungletartsgoodstuff.blogspot.com) (except that I haven't said anything about it yet)! I've started playing my clarinet again!

I don't know exactly why, except that I still can, that it's been chosen as my expressive instrument of choice but I got the chance to play with a CD on my computer with 'The Sound of Music' and for a friend and he said it sounded like I had my own personal band (and that some of the songs were made for clarinet and I did really well). So there's some positivity for my life and this blog.

Oh, and I forget about my movements and can play regardless of it! What a blessing! I praise the Lord for that! (He deserves it and you heard it here on Jungletart) I'm going to go at it, once I get off here. It's a joy for me.

Have a pleasant day in the sweet ways you can. That means 'Have a good day!' Tart